Disclaimer: I do not own Castle

Chapter 8

Kate awoke again. But this time, her eyes landed directly on the incubator at the other end of the room.

Lanie and Ryan were by her side.

"Do you want to see her?" Lanie asked with a smile.

Kate turned to look at both of them.

"No, where's Rick... I need to see him..."

she tried to sit up.

"No Kate, don't get up. You need to rest. You're body's been through a lot!"

"You don't understand, Lanie…"

"I understand."

Tears came to her eyes again
"No you don't... he took those bullets for me. And for this little girl. And now he's fighting for his life. All because of my foolishness"

Lanie gently put her arms around her and shushed her.

"He's already fought Kate. And he won. He's healing"

"I need to see him Lanie! Please"

"Okay. I'll see if the nurses can arrange something okay… why don't you just relax for now."

Ryan walked out soon after to talk to the doctors.

Kate watched as now and then, nurses would enter the room, check on her, and then walk over to the incubator to check on the baby. They'd all ask her if she was ready to see her baby, but she'd refuse. And they'd give her a look. Because they couldn't understand why a mother would not want to see her baby.

She'd hear a soft cry now and then and her heart would ache for her baby. Once or twice she had even asked the nurse

"is she in pain? Please be honest with me."

and the nurse would tell her the truth
"a little bit. But she's doing well. Everything's moving in the right direction."

She'd shut her eyes tight and try to stop the voices in her head that kept blaming herself. 'Your baby's in pain. Because of you. That tiny little human, your baby, is suffering because of you, and she would have suffered more, had it not been for your husband'

she was pressing her temples and the nurse then hesitantly asked her 'we're all curious.. Why won't you see her… don't you want to?"

And she looked up and said 'You won't understand. I could hurt her again'

"why do you feel so? You're her mother"

"I couldn't be a good mother while she was in me. I doubt I can be a good mother now."

Martha Rogers was standing at the doorway and she heard it all. When the nurse left she sat down beside Kate and took her hand and said

"You're punishing yourself."

"I deserve it Martha"

"you don't deserve this pain that you're putting yourself through"

"I put her through so much pain. I'm a monster."

"She holds nothing against you"

"She should be hating me."

"She's your baby. She wants her mother."

Kate didn't say anything.

"Katherine, That little girl will always want her mother. No matter what. Even now, I know for a fact, she's waiting to see you."

"You don't get it, none of you do"

"You're beating yourself up"

"I made mistakes Martha."

"We all do Katherine. We all do. Hell! I made so many mistakes while raising Rick. But look where he's come. He's saving lives. Although I wish he had a better method" she meant to lighten the atmosphere. But it didn't work.

"I'm sorry"

"Now now sweetheart… You made mistakes, and you faced the consequences. And you've survived. Now stop depriving your baby of the mother's love she needs and go see her"

"I'm not ready Martha. Please."

"When will you be ready?"

Kate paused for a while and then said

"I need to see Rick…"

and Martha nodded. She understood. She hugged her and said "He'll need you to take care of both, him and your baby when he wakes up, you're going to have to be ready then honey"

"I know" but she didn't know how.

A few hours later, they were helping Kate into a wheel chair. They were taking her to her husband. And while exiting the room, she caught a glimpse of her little baby. And tears welled up in her eyes, when she realized the number of tubes attached to the little girl. It hindered a proper view of the tiny babe.

As they rolled her through the corridor towards the ICU, Kate didn't know what to expect. She was afraid of what she might see.

Right enough, when the door opened and her eye's fell on her sleeping husband, she gasped in pain. Her hand went to her mouth, to muffle her sobs. It pained her so much to see the damage she had caused. He was fixed up alright, but she knew something was broken between them. He must hate her for this.

He must hate her, for putting him into this life or death situation. For making him chose between her life and his unborn child's or his life. And his decision was selfless.

The young nurse who halted her wheelchair just next to Rick's sleeping form asked her "will you be alright here Mrs Castle?"

"Yes, thank you" she said to her softly and the young girl left her alone with her husband.

Kate spent every moment she could by his side. The doctors insisted that she needed rest and so, from time to time she would be taken back to her room for a few hours of sleep. But the rest of the time she spent by his side. Holding his hand and whispering words of apology into his ear. She told him, how she had no courage to go near her own baby and how scared she was for her angel's life.

She told him how much she needed him to wake up and hold their baby girl because she needed a parent's love soon. Avril and Alexis would sit in with her too sometimes and they'd all talk. They felt it would make Rick feel a little more at home even if he was in an unconscious state.

It was an hour past midnight. Avril, Alexis and Martha had gone home for the night. Lanie was asleep in Kate's room. Ryan had gone home to check on jenny. And Espo was wide awake staring at Castle.

And he saw movement. He saw a small twitch of his finger and he sat up straighter. Wondering if it was just his sleepy mind playing games with him.

But then he saw another twitch.

"Castle, bro..."

And he heard a soft pained groan from him.

A huge smile donned Espo's face.

"It's me, Espo. You're in the hospital."

"Ka..."

"Just relax, let me call the nurse and let them know you're awake okay..."

Espo got up to get a nurse and Castle fell back asleep.

Two hours later he woke again. This time, he opened his eyes a bit. They felt so heavy. And he saw Espo and Lanie by his side

"Hey Castle" Lanie said with a soft smile.

"Hey" he softly spoke. He couldn't find any energy in him to speak.

"Lanie, where's..."

A nurse came in them and helped him sip on some cold water. And that made him feel a little better. But still, he found it was taking a lot of effort to get a few coherent words out of his mouth.

"Guys, Kate..."

"You saved her life Castle" she told him.

And that really was all he needed to know. He blinked, the darkness began to take over again, and he saw a worried look on Lanie's face before he gave in to it.

That's all for today. :) leave me a review :)