The story behind this chapter: fluff was planned, but as the thing I am worst at writing, it was planned to be brief. However, after a talk with one of my friends who knows my writing, I was told in no uncertain terms "you are going to write fluff. You are going to give your readers at least a full chapter of fluff. You will not ruin it with any angst. You will do it."
Which was SO difficult with this being the week Lin, Leslie and Pippa leave. So I struggled like crazy with this chapter. Good god did it put up a good fight against being written. But I prevailed, and I hope you enjoy, and that it was mildly acceptable!
((~))
I always knew there would be a miracle
I wondered when and how
And I will see a miracle
There will be a miracle
If not soon, now
Life moved fast, and yet painfully slowly. Alex is learning to count it in month-long intervals, from the time Eliza was diagnosed in late December of 2016.
In January, tests were performed, and Eliza went through surgery.
In February, she came home and recovered.
March, April and the first parts of May were filled with chemo, in all of its bipolar-like effects.
Alex marked six months of this roller coaster in late May. Half a year.
And then in late May, Eliza completed the required ten weeks of chemo, and they went in for a progress report.
He took the day off, insisted on being there.
She takes him into the oncology building, introduces him to the doctors and nurses she'd become so familiar with. The whole place still makes him uncomfortable, and he knows she can tell, but he is still grateful to all those who made this experience survivable.
Tia makes Eliza a ridiculous t-shirt that says "I went to the chemo building and all I got was the need to throw my hairbrush out." Eliza laughs so hard she nearly chokes.
Cancer is one big game of give and take, he is learning. An uneven game, to be sure, with so much more take than give. But he has never felt closer to his family, his friends, and especially his wife than in these last six months, to say nothing of the new people like Tia and the exceptionally kind doctors and nurses.
The bastard orphan was given an amazing family and the best friends he could ask for, and he hadn't appreciated them for a long time. Maybe that was part of the give.
That didn't mean the take part was not painful, though. He vividly remembers the feeling when Eliza was diagnosed, feeling like the floor was falling out from under them, feeling his stomach drop to his feet. He remembers sobbing in her arms, like she could be taken from him any second.
He remembers how gently their children treated their mother in the next few months, as if they even raised their voice their mother would break.
The first time Alex Jr. actually got annoyed enough to snap back at his mother, she had given him a hug and thanked him, and the ice was officially broken.
After that, cancer became their new normal. The floor was no longer falling out, but the ground was still shaky.
Until they return to the doctor to see her latest scans. The spots that had condemned their last few months had shrunk, they explained, almost disappeared. That meant the cancer was functionally gone. Eliza was now in remission. She'd need maintenance treatment for the next few months, but cancer can finally, finally take a backburner in their lives.
Eliza bursts into tears of relief, he wraps his arms around her and squeezes. His wife will live. Disease is no longer taking over her body.
She presses her forehead to his.
"I'm alive. We're alive," she sobs. "How lucky we are to be alive right now."
Summer 2016
The sun shines a little brighter that day.
The children cry when they tell them, and this time it's tears of happiness.
What comes next is a blissful summer. Maybe there is something about cancer that makes one realize how very fragile life is. Alex vows to never forget.
Eliza sometimes wakes the children late at night to go for ice cream, takes the oldest children to every event (no matter how much they "Mommmmmm" at her). She teaches Elizabeth how to swim. His wife and youngest splash in the pool, giggles spilling from the child's lips. Afterward, Eliza wraps her in a towel far too big for her little body, and snuggles the child on the pool deck until she falls asleep. Alex commits this to memory.
They go to therapy with Angelica together. There are good days and bad days. Good days where it seems like their daughter is coming back to them. But then there are also days where Angelica refuses to go because Philip would be lonely at home all alone.
It knifes both of them, but this time they deal with it together.
Madison grows more and more unhappy with how much more time Alexander spends with his family. He feels the disapproving glances but he cannot stay away.
Non-stop, they used to call him.
He's learning the value of stopping every now and then.
On the fourth of July, Alexander does something he's never done before. He packs up his whole family and drives them out to watch the fireworks in a field by Laf's house.
Of course, his packing skills leave much to be desired, so they end up with three bags of candy, a tin of corn, and only one blanket to speak of.
The children run wild on a sugar rush but they finally quiet them down enough to wrap all eight members of their family in the one blanket (perhaps nine. Alexander likes to think that he's there).
The fireworks are beautiful, but it is nothing compared to the sight of his family squished together. Alex Jr. and John hold Angelica, stroking her hair to soothe her in case the fireworks frighten her. James holds Elizabeth in his lap, pressing his littlest sister to him and keeping her warm in his embrace. William allows Eliza to rest him on her lap as best she can at seven years old.
He thinks it can't get better than this.
And it does.
Because one day, Herc, Laurens and Laf come bursting in, waving an envelope over their heads.
They're giggling with glee, not unlike fifteen year old schoolgirls (as he tells them) when they demand that he gather the family into the living room.
They need to take a break, his friends begin. A break from the hell that had been the last few months.
And that would come in the form of a vacation to St. Croix, planned and paid for entirely by the best friends he could ask for (their expression, but he can't disagree).
They had been planning it for two months, they admit. And now that Eliza has finished chemo and is in remission, it's the perfect time. The kids are off school for the summer. Laurens will deal with Madison's objections. They planned around every "but" or "no" he could come up with. But even with their combined pooled resources, they hadn't been able to come up with the cash.
Alex tells them he has the money, but they insist that's not how a gift works. So they spread the word around Alex's office.
In less than a day, two large anonymous donations had come in, paying for the trip in full.
They're going to the Caribbean.
And they've planned something special for this trip.
He's going to marry his wife (again).
He doesn't know what to say.
Eliza throws her arms around them in gratitude.
When his friends see him struggling, they come up to Alex of their own volition.
Laf grasps him tightly, with enthusiasm.
"Take a break, mon ami. Respirer."
Herc crushes him in a bone-crunching hug and tells him the same. Not to worry. And that he'll speak to the doctors to make sure Eliza is taken care of.
Laurens hugs him with hesitation. Lingers a bit, Alex thinks. Tells him that Eliza is lucky to have him (Alex knows it's the other way around).
There has always been a part of Laurens that he holds back when it comes to his friendship with Alex. He has wondered many times what it is, but Laurens has never wanted to share.
The children will stay for a week, be in the ceremony, and then fly home. They've arranged people to care for them for the extra week that Alex and Eliza will be there.
The children shout and jump and clamor around his friends (he does hear some thank yous in the mix, and Alex Jr. shouting "a whole week on the beach? Awesome. He's excited until James reminds him that he'll have to be in his parents wedding ceremony and thus watch them kiss, a fact that seems to thoroughly disgust their oldest three).
They leave tomorrow.
His amazing friends have even packed their bags already.
He's admittedly worried about how his wife will handle the trip, but Eliza's strength has been on the rise since her last round of chemo finished. She takes the trip with ease.
She's almost like the Eliza he knew before all of this.
His memories of St. Croix barely compare to how beautiful the island is in person. He stands on tarmac of the airport and breathes deeply, taking in a scent that somehow still feels like home.
They spend their first few days on the beach.
The motion of the water lapping at the sand seems to soothe Angelica. She's more coherent than they've seen in a long time.
Alex Jr. spots a group of girls and ever so slowly inches his towel closer and closer to them.
He's got his father's charm. When he's close enough to speak with them, it's only a few moments before they grab his hand and drag him into the water, and they don't see him for the rest of the day (James complains until he learns the resort has a basketball court with regular games and he is "so here for that!"
William and Elizabeth refuse to get in the water at first, so when they're not looking Alex and Eliza scoop one up each and carry them into the water. They cling to their parents but eventually smile and allow themselves to enjoy it.
The wedding (can he still call it that if they're already married) is planned entirely by Laf, Laurens and Herc, with help from Eliza's sisters.
To Alex's great surprise, Angelica and Peggy tell him that they contributed very little. Supposedly, Laf has a great sense of color coordination and Herc must have been Pinterest-ing like crazy, because he came for wedding planning with a full binder of ideas. Laurens, they said, was mostly there to make sure Laf and Herc didn't go crazy and plan to have them ride in on elephants or something.
Peggy and the older Angelica seize Eliza and keep her the night before the wedding (protests of "she's already my wife" seem to fall on deaf ears, but he's glad to let her spend this time with her sisters).
In the morning, he gets the children dressed with the help of his friends, and they all make their way to the outdoor venue.
Alex is amazed. It's absolutely beautiful, in mid-day with cream white fabric lacing over the seats to form a sort of tent, the chairs adorned with white and pink sprigs of flowers.
Simple, yet beautiful.
It is, he jokes, probably nicer than their first wedding.
He finds himself inexplicably nervous as he stands at the front. His party (William and John, plus Laf, Herc and Laurens) stands upright beside him and he couldn't ask for better people, but he's still nervous.
That feeling doesn't cease until the music plays Eliza is led down the aisle by her two oldest sons, one on each arm.
Beautiful doesn't even begin to cover how she looks. Her short hair has been curled and is adorned with a band of flowers. Her dress is simple, strapless and knee length. Her cheeks glow with health. She's so beautiful, so perfect, he can barely look at her.
And to his shock, when he does, he's reminded of that seventeen year old girl, in that crowded dance hall, the first time he met. Or the bright eyed twenty year old, her shaking hands in his, the first time they did this.
He's not put in mind of the fragile, sick woman of the last six months.
And that is a bigger gift that Laf, Laurens and Herc could ever comprehend.
The boys give their mother away, as James grabs onto his father's arm and says "You better take really good care of her", something that nearly brings him to tears.
The minister talks about commitment, about lifelong devotion, about a love renewed, which Alex thinks is crazy, because as much as he is painfully aware he screwed up badly in their marriage, as much as sometimes their marriage has sucked, there has never been a time where he didn't love Eliza. The love didn't need renewing. It was always there. He just didn't show it when he should have.
He barely remembers what was said after that as he clasps her hands in his and promises himself to her, as he has done before, as he would do a thousand times over.
His wife.
He thinks the minister says he can kiss his bride but he can't really seem to care as he leans in and pulls her to him, kisses her with fervor, hopes she can hear what he's trying to say to her without words.
She rests her forehead against his and he tells her how lucky they are to be alive right now.
She knows.
(He thinks he catches a wistful look in Laurens' eyes, but can't be sure)
For the next four days, he brings his children all over St. Croix, showing them where he grew up, bringing them to where he once lived. They once present him with a wreath of flowers and ask to lay it on his mother's grave.
The world seems absurdly quiet when they fly back, but he trusts his friends to care for them.
He and Eliza explore the island together. He takes her to his old home and thinks his mother would have liked her. They go snorkeling, they ride horses on the beach, they don't leave their resort some days. He thinks he could stay here forever.
And on he and Eliza's last night, they lie on the beach, the waves lapping at their feet, her hand tucked into his.
He sighs. "We have to go home tomorrow."
"Mmm. Don't remind me," she groans.
He pulls her up to lie on him, taking in her soft smile, the spiked ends of her short hair, the rosiness of her cheeks against the paleness of her skin.
God, he loves his wife.
He runs his finger down the scar on her chest, sees her cheeks redden with embarrassment.
He presses his lips to her forehead. It's warm. He hopes it's because of the still pressing heat.
"Are you feeling okay?" he asks. That small shred of worry. He worries it will never leave.
She smiles reassuringly. Her hand drifts to smooth the worry lines in his forehead.
"You can stop worrying, Alexander. There's no worrying here."
For once in his life, he accepts her words. He allows himself to close his eyes and let her hand pass over his face, to his cheeks, his forehead, his lips.
They don't worry here. There is nobody and nothing else here, just her.
Tomorrow they will go back and the future is one big question mark. Will they be able to get Angelica back in school, will John be okay transitioning into the middle and high school, will Alex Jr. finally be able to feel like he doesn't need to shield his mother from everything?
Yes, those questions still exist. They still loom over their future.
But they are not important just now.
Just now, he presses his Eliza closer to him.
Just now, he lifts his face so his lips meet hers and the world falls away.
Just now, it is him and her and they are lucky to be alive.
A sky that's bright and blue.
And some things will never end.
The thrill of our magic ride.
The love that I feel inside for you.
We'll climb high beyond the break of day.
Sleep on stardust, and dine on bits of moon
You and I will find the Milky Way. We'll be mad, and explore.
We'll recline a loft upon the breeze.
Dart about sail on wit with ease.
Pass the days doing only as we please, that's what living is for.