Ok Dear Readers. Fourth chapter is here. As always, if you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. Next chapt will come in 3-4 days or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :) For you who like it steamy, be patient. It'll come.

*hugs*

Have fun!

Chapter 4: Musings

Rain.

It's been so long since I've last seen rain.

Shepard used to love running outside her grandmother's home when she stayed there during school break. She revelled in the thunder, and lying in the backyard, she would listen to the sounds of nature. It felt so good to be on the ground as opposed to the metal, climate controlled ships and stations her parents used to tow her to. Being a spacer whose mother and father were officers in the Alliance, these little stolen moments of freedom were her safe place when the darkness came.

A red flash, the feel of weightlessness, darkness came, and awakening when a her name was called. The dark memories kept suffocating her and reminding her of her deed.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard's body was feeling a great deal better. The second calcification treatment mended almost the full extent of her fractures. Her left arm was still painful but free and only her right knee and foot were keeping her still. No more cuts, just bruises.

Her body was already forgetting what happened. She willed her soul to forget it too.

Legion died for nothing... Edi... She was a great friend, with a great sense of humour and the light of Joker's eye. A smile crossed Shepard's face. I sound like my grandmother. Would her grandparents even be alive? They lived in a small city deep in the mountains 1000km away from Terra Nova's capital.

It was remote and mostly a tourist area due to its proximity to a natural park and the great lakes. Great weather and the perfect amount of thunderstorms.

I had a home there...

Had?

A soft knock grounded Shepard's thoughts, and for a moment she was a bit lost. Did she appreciate the interruption?

'Come in.'

'Hello Shepard. I come bearing gifts.' A smiling Liara entered the room, towing two small travel cases with her. 'I'm here to stay now. I arranged everything back at the camp, and they do not need my help anymore.'

Her friend. They first met in Therum. Liara had trapped herself into an energy field in an attempt to escape mercenaries who were after her, and then she couldn't escape. Shepard remembered seeing the beautiful Assari for the first time. Her blue skin was the first thing she noted. It had the colour of the most beautiful spring sky. Her features were not too different from a human's with a small proportionate nose, lips and smart cerulean eyes. She didn't have hair, instead smooth tentacle-like formations where human hair would have been. Shepard remembered looking at the helpless doctor and would have never guessed she would one day be here, taking care of her.

'That is good to hear Liara. Being alone here has been driving me nuts.' Shepard covered her disappointment with a smile. There was no way she would burden her friend with her problems. Especially when these problems could make her lose the closest person she had in her life right now. A sister, a dear sister who would never know she murdered an entire new species because she didn't want to die.

'I'm glad to hear it Shepard. I brought the things I told you about. I'm sorry I didn't arrive sooner, but now I'm here, and I'm going to take care of you.'

At that moment, the nurse arrived and locked Shepard's IV and isolated her leg immobilizer so she could take a shower.

Pushing back her issues, Shepard decided to liven up, or Liara would get suspicious. Also, she could actually use some help. Liara stood alert and ready to receive orders. Sheppard guessed Liara had spent so much time around military staff that some of their mannerisms had rubbed off on her. A small smile blossomed on her face.

'Liara, I'm going to ask you something that has to stay between the two of us.'

'Of course, Shepard. But, what is it?' Liara asked, intrigued.

'Help me shower and wash my hair?' Shepard flushed. The initial cleaning the nurse did after she was rescued was utilitarian and not that deep. She was dying to feel a little bit more human and less of an infirm.

'Haha, of course! Here, I've got just the thing. Washing gel and this other thing one of the women at the comm central told me was essential for a human's hygiene. Conditioner? Yes, I think that's what it's called.'

'You are a life saver!' Liara held up the bottle, and Shepard could almost hear angels sing. She could see a picture of flowers and green leaves on the label. Yes, she could do it. She decided then that what happened was hers alone to bear, and she will never talk about it with anyone. Am I a liar now?

Getting into the shower was a feat. Still hurting all over, extremely weak with barely functioning arms and an immobilized leg, she wondered if it was easier to raid the Collector's Base all over again than walk the 5 metres to the bathroom.

Everything set and ready- soap, shampoo, towels and a flannel pyjama so pink that only a vapid pubescent teenager would wear it- Shepard ambled with a cane at one side and Liara at the other. They finally reached the white tiled succinct bathroom which consisted of a counter with a sink and mirror, a toilet and a shower stall with a little metal stool inside.

Liara helped Shepard out of her johnny and was lost for words at what she was seeing. On a frame extremely similar to the assari's, Shepard's once beautiful pale skin was a study in black, greens, purples and blues. Back, hips, legs...

Fully naked, Shepard looked at Liara through the mirror, and she couldn't mask her sadness at seeing her body marred like that. A wide angry pink slash in the mid stage of healing spanned from under her right breast making an S all the way to her groin. She could only see patches of her real skin colour- a pale white that had never seen too much sun. She also saw too many bones... ribs, hips and clavicles. She hadn't noticed how much her body had suffered in the past year.

Averting her eyes, she covered herself. This was a bad idea... don't look at me.

'Shepard, no.' Liara took the hand covering her breasts and held it tight. 'You will survive this. This is only now and not what you are.'

Liara smiled and gingerly set Shepard's hair free. The long mass tumbled out of her trademarked bun revealing waves of an almost black ringlet curly hair. 'Here, sit. I'll take care of you.'

oO0~0Oo

Clean, clothed, and tucked in her bed, Shepard lay there while Liara took her own shower. The assari may not have been as battered as her, but she probably needed it just the same.

Shepard looked down at her omni-tool and saw a low blinking light indicating there was an unread message. It came from the Normandy. The small peace and warmth she had managed to gather left her in a wash of dread. She couldn't deal with news that something had happened with Garrus or with... an ice cold churning invaded her guts, her heart. What will happen if they find out? Deciding to leave the message undisturbed, she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.

oO0~0Oo

Normandy, roughly 18 months ago.

'So, tell me a story'. She sat down on the pile of utilitarian boxes and crossed her legs like Samara did when she was meditating.

'Okay, have I ever told you about my last high risk mission on a turian vessel?' Garrus was always surprised that Shepard kept coming back to talk to him. Her company was soothing and engaging. He really liked telling her his old stories.

'No, should I get some popcorn for another story time with Garrus Vakarian, bringer of justice to an unjust galaxy?' Shepard smiled.

That smile... he did like to see her smiling... 'Ahm, popcorn? You know, the regs here are very different from turian vessels.'

'In what way?'

'Well, like the Alliance, we have regs, tighter ones when it comes to operational discipline but looser regarding personal restrictions.' Why am I talking about this? She won't be interested in this, I need to change the subject... 'But the mission was an assault on a batarian slaver ship...'

'Personal restrictions? You mean fraternization? Ah, that is a big no-no in Earth's military. They justify it by saying that it prevents abuse of power and breaking the chain of command. Up to a point, I understand it. Maybe a little too well'

'Yes, I remember... I'm not supposed to know, but everybody did back then. You and Kaidan...'

'Yeah. It mudded things big time.'

'Do you love him?' Garrus didn't know why he was so apprehensive for an answer.

'I think, yes. No. I don't know. Especially after Horizon.'

'Yes, I'm sorry I intruded back then.' Not disappointed with what she said, Garrus still carried a small chip of pride for backing Shepard up. That mission was a breakthrough and got them a lot closer to beating the Collectors. But any questioning of her morals and actions were, to an extent, a questioning of his own, and he wouldn't stand there watching that blind arrogant Alliance zealot implying her mission, THEIR MISSION, wasn't in the galaxy's best interest.

A shy smile. 'Yes, I remember. What did you call him? Blind arrogant Alliance zealot? No need to apologise. You read my mind back there. Yeah, what Kaidan and I had felt like the right thing at the time, but what came after had nothing to do with regs, only human nature. People can be all sort of things, I guess Kaidan just couldn't handle it. I don't know. Anything I might say about him would be pure speculation. And you know how much I hate that.'

'Yes, I know you too well. Commander 'Facts' Shepard.' His mandibles spanned out in a big turian "smile".

'Haha, yes, that you do, big guy. But continue, you were about to tell me about turian's personal restrictions.' Shepard was now laying on the boxes that never left their place on the right side of the room. Eyes looking him from down up, legs up resting on the wall. Similar to those pictures in Joker's gentleman's magazines.

'Well, there was this one mission, me and a recon scout had been at each other's throats, nerves mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring.'

'I take it she kicked your butt?'

'Actually, she and I were the two best hand to hand combatants on the ship. I had reach, she had flexibility. It was brutal. After 9 rounds, the judges declared it a draw. A lot of unhappy betters in the other room.'

Garrus paused, he didn't know if she should finish the story, but at the end decided to go for it. 'We, uh, ended up having a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess...'

'Haha, you can say that! It would be interesting...'

'Sparring? I didn't think you feel like sparring, commander.'

Startled she got up. 'Yeah, you are right, sparring... I should go. See you later.'

Garrus watched her walk away at such a very brisk pace she even slipped on the last step into the mess hall. Humans, curious species...

oO0~0Oo

With half asleep eyes, Shepard could see through lowered lids her friend come out of the bathroom. She pretended to be asleep to avoid any questions. The shock of seeing herself in the mirror was enough to sour her will to even pretend to be ok.

Liara prepared the couch; it looked comfortable enough, and came to check on her friend. They had already removed the beeping machinery, and all that was left was a soft dripping IV.

In a quiet soothing voice, Liara tried to comfort Shepard; 'I don't know what happened Shepard, and I honestly do not care. You're back, you are here, and when you are ready to talk, I'm here for you.'

Liara opened up her omni-tool. Re-reading the broadcast from the Normandy informing that they had technical issues and the whole crew was safe, she wondered why Shepard never asked about anyone. Not about the Alliance forces or Adm Hackett, none of the allies, and especially zero to no interest regarding the Normandy, Garrus or anyone else.

The Alliance was coordinating with the ground troops. They came back to Earth this morning and after being informed about Shepard, Hackett decided to request Liara to keep an eye on the Commander and inform him when she would be able to resume her duties. His main goal was to minimize the stress and give the Commander time to heal.

Back in the hospital bed, Shepard finally won her battle and fell asleep. Nothingness could be bliss sometimes.

oO0~0Oo