Did you ever hear her laugh?
When she laughed, you swore you'd never cry again.
Did you ever see her smile?
Her smile was like a glass of lemonade.
And she said funny things,
And she wore pretty dresses,
And she liked to see the pictures at the VFW Hall,
And she loved ridin' swings,
And she liked cotton candy,
But I think she liked the pictures best of all:
Tia is the happiest person Eliza knows.
Her smiling face is a constant in the chemo room, one that is always very needed. Tia came into the cancer center dressed like a celebrity every time. Skirts, pressed blouses, and a flawlessly made up face. Every time Eliza saw her, she looked perfect, but for the scarf around her bald head and her thin limbs.
She saw the way other women looked at Tia sometimes. They wondered why put all this effort in while they all went home afterwards and did the same thing: sleep or sweat or vomit.
Eliza knew Tia knew this too, yet she was never discouraged.
Stage four cancer and always flawlessly presented with a smile.
She had once told Tia she was her "cancer idol", and the woman had laughed and squeezed Eliza in a hug.
"Honey, you don't need any of this to look beautiful," she had said.
In the chemo room, they would swap stories about their children, exchange pictures and anecdotes. She even told Tia about Angelica.
"That's a lot of weight to put on some very young shoulders," her friend had sighed.
"You are an incredible mother, Eliza. You know what your child needs. Fight for her, but don't be her therapist. Be her mother."
Simple as the words were, she had found it incredibly helpful. She had been vigilant with the doctors, but at the end of the day, she was her child's mother, and her job was not to "shrink" her daughter, as Alex would say, but to be there for her.
It worked. And more than that, it took some of the crushing weight off Eliza's shoulders.
She would tell Alex to do the same, but it was in her husband's nature to carry as much weight as possible, and to blame himself for things like Angie's illness, things not remotely his fault.
Eliza had once asked Tia where her husband was (her ring finger was adorned with a simple band, and she saw her consistently texting someone she guessed was a husband).
Her friend had smiled a smile tinged with sadness, and told her that he didn't handle this place all that well.
"Neither does Alexander," Eliza admitted.
Her friend had laughed. "You should have seen him on your first day, hon. He was standing over you like a guard dog."
Eliza had offered, that day, to be there whenever Tia needed someone, but she knew full well that Tia would never take her up on that.
Tia was the strongest person Eliza knew.
So when she doesn't answer Eliza's call, she doesn't worry.
But three days later, she is starting to grow concerned.
So on one of her treatments, she asks about Tia. Tia was done treatment, she knew, but she was still in maintenance for stage 4 cancer, so they had to have some idea where she was.
The first nurse she asked was new, and refused to tell her.
Then she asked Martha, who still received chemo with her.
The look on Martha's face made Eliza's heart drop to her stomach.
In the hospital, she was told. No details were forthcoming, but that she unexpectedly had to be rushed to the hospital and it sounded bad.
Eliza marks the very first day off from chemo that she has and drives to the hospital.
She calls Alex on the way. Things between them aren't good, haven't been good since their fight a few days earlier, but she's loathe to give him more reasons to worry.
So she tells him that she's going to visit a friend at the hospital. Simple truth, and doesn't give any more details.
Still at work, he sounds frazzled and stressed.
"Sorry, Betsey. I'm swept off my feet today. Jefferson is being an asshole, what else is new; Burr has been out the last few days, miracle of miracles, and Madison's on my ass. Again. But do you…do you want me to come –"
"No," she says firmly. "I'm fine."
They both feel the unspoken implications in that phrase, but neither says anything.
"Do you need someone to drive you?"
It's an olive branch, she knows, but she refuses to accept it, though she's not even sure who or what she's angry at.
"There's a shuttle from here. Don't worry."
She gives the hospital clerk her name and Tia's name and tells her that Tia is a friend. The nurse gives no protest, just lists off a floor and a room.
Fifth floor, room 543, she says. Eliza winds her way slowly through the halls, checking the names scribbled on the doors.
"I'm having them make me a gold plated one," she remembers Tia telling her. "If I have to spend this much time in that place, may as well do it in style."
Room 543 looks the same as all the others, with one exception. There are people filing in and out of it, and the looks on their faces nearly stop Eliza's heart. Doctors and nurses file in and out with somber, sad expressions. She catches a flash of black curls and nearly runs into a young woman, maybe 20 years old.
"Excuse me," she hesitates. "Is this Tia's room?"
The young woman's eyes are full of tears as she looks at Eliza.
"How do you know my mother?" she asks.
"We were…I mean, I see her every day," Eliza stutters. "At the chemo center."
Recognition dawns in the girl's eyes. "Are you Eliza?"
She nods.
The young woman's face smooths into a sad smile.
"Come in and see her. She'll be happy you're here. I'll take my dad out so you guys can talk."
"Thank you," Eliza gives her a smile she hopes doesn't shake. "I'm sorry, what's your name?"
"Everyone calls me Theo. Helps differentiate from my mom."
They go to the door, and Eliza takes in the (non gold-plated) name scrawled on the door.
Theodosia Provost Burr.
"Tia".
((((((~~~~~))))))
Whatever she expected, she is not prepared for the sight that greets her.
Tia is nearly unrecognizable. Her wig is off, her skin is pale and her fingers shake.
She's connected to so many tubes and wires that Eliza can't distinguish a single one. An oxygen mask covers her face as she rattles shaky breaths in and out.
Yet when she sees Eliza, she smiles and Eliza catches a trace of her beautiful friend.
And by her bedside sits Aaron Burr, looking like she's never seen him.
He holds one of Tia's hands in his; his eyes are red-rimmed and swollen.
He clutches Tia's hand like Alexander clutches hers. As if they could be gone any moment, as his touch is anchoring Tia to earth.
Theo sits beside her father, exchanges some quiet words with him. The young woman slips her arm into Burr's and supports him to stand.
He barely looks at Eliza as he makes his way out, only gives a general nod in her direction.
And then they are alone; the only sounds are the beeping of the heart monitor.
Eliza is completely at a loss.
Everything about this room was white, sterile and somber. No colors, no joy, no life.
Is this what it looks like, she wonders. When you're….dying?
Fear shoots through her veins, ice cold. She feels her whole body tense.
Tia lifts the mask gingerly off her face, and weakly beckons to the chair Burr has vacated.
"Eliza, honey. I'm glad you came."
Eliza sits gingerly, her back ramrod straight.
Tia's voice is rough and scratched, so soft that Eliza has to lean forward to hear her.
"Tia…what…what happened?"
Her friend regards her with a soft gaze.
"Life happened, hon. Or more specifically, life happened in the form of a heart attack."
"But…you were done treatment."
Her brain refuses to comprehend this. Her vivacious friend, the one that made so many parts of cancer bearable, lies in a hospital bed, all the life sucked from her.
"For the time being, I was done." Tia smiles sadly.
"But that chemo, it weakened everything. Heart just couldn't keep up. And once that put me in here, the MRI showed that the cancer has spread everywhere."
"So…how are they treating you?" Eliza knows the answer. She knows, but she doesn't want to hear it.
Tia was never scared of anything, though.
"They're not. This is it for me, Eliza."
Another thing Eliza's brain refuses to comprehend.
Were the doctors just giving up? Weren't they supposed to heal?
Tia reaches out and takes her hand.
"Sometimes we put up a good fight, babe, but some things aren't meant to be."
"So you're just giving up?" The edge of anger creeps in without her realizing it, but Tia doesn't look offended.
"Not giving up. More like accepting the way things are."
"How?" That one comes out soaked with unshed tears.
Tia knew the fear that lay beneath. She always did.
"Eliza," Tia murmurs soothingly. "It's okay. I'm going to be okay."
"But – "
"No, really. You can't see it now, but things will be okay."
Tia exhales heavily, pressing her morphine pump with a wince.
When she turns back to Eliza, her eyelids droop, but her face is resolute.
"Now, listen to me, because this is important: you have to keep fighting. Don't look at me here and think this is your future. You aren't done, Eliza. You have to keep fighting."
Tia pats the bed and Eliza sits down and helps her friend readjust her oxygen mask.
"Now, tell me the latest. How's Angie? Is Martha's husband still the great mystery of the chemo room? Catch me up, while my happy juice works its magic."
So she does. Eliza sits and talks for long after Tia has fallen asleep.
And once she rises, Eliza stumbles out of the room and grabs for her phone.
She needs him now. She needs him here.
She manages to dial the number through shaky fingers.
Thanks to caller ID, he picks up on the second ring.
"Alexander," the words come out strangled, choked with tears. "I need you."
He's there in 10 minutes.
((((((~~~~~))))))
She's leaning against the ER door when he comes in.
He takes one look at her and sweeps her into his arms.
And then, the tears fall.
To say he is shocked with she tells him who Tia is, who her husband is, would be like saying the sky is a blueish color.
His face pales and he slaps a hand to his face.
"Burr?" he hisses. "How come he never said anything?
Eliza shrugs from her position on his lap, with her back against his chest and her head tucked between his shoulder and neck.
"Sometimes you don't know how to say these things. And I think he didn't want you to feel sorry for him."
Alex accepts this with a nod, but Eliza can see the wheels turning in his head.
He is uncharacteristically quiet, but she knows he is hoping not to run into Burr.
What could he even say?
((((((~~~~~))))))
Of course, he does. The universe and its fucked up sense of balance.
Only Burr doesn't look like Burr when Eliza leads him to Tia's room.
His shoulders are hunched, his head is bowed, he doesn't look up but he looks like he has aged years in the few days since Alex has last saw him.
Alex clears his throat uncomfortably.
"Mr. Burr."
"Alexander." His voice is soft and wet.
"I'm…I'm sorry, Burr."
A nod is his only reply.
Eliza sits with Tia, strokes her hair, and talks to her, while their husbands sit at the far end of the room.
Burr never once looks at Alexander.
So when he does speak, Alex nearly jumps out of his skin.
"Tell me about St. Croix. Was it beautiful?"
His voice carries a longing in it. Alex can't figure out why, but he gives Burr all the details he can remember, no matter how small.
"Sounds nice," Burr mumbles. "I'm glad you could get there."
Again, Alex can't define what it is, but there is something about his tone that makes it click into place.
"The donation," The words burst forth before he can stop them. "The donation so that we could go to St. Croix. That was you, wasn't it?"
Burr's head is bowed, he doesn't move.
"Not the whole thing. Two big ones, I was only one of them."
"But…why?"
Burr gives a wry chuckle, shakes his head. "Do you know how little time we have with those we love, Hamilton? You should. You, of all people, should. You need to take advantage of every moment."
"But you hate me."
Burr shakes his head, his eyes finally meeting Alexander's. The brown orbs are shining with unshed tears. He looks desperate, devastated. Alex knows the look well. He has sported it more times than he cares to remember.
"You always assumed that. I never hated you. But you always thought so. After awhile, I just accepted it. Made life in the workplace easier. It was almost like it was easier for you to believe I hated you."
"But.." Suddenly, the great, verbose Alexander Hamilton has no words. He lifts his eyes to see his wife (two times over), as she softly sings a song to her friends. She is so beautiful. He loves her so much.
And Tia, Alex could see how Burr looked at her. She was Burr's Eliza. And she was fading fast.
"Thank you," he chokes out. "Thank you, Burr. Thank you so much."
Tia slips into a coma several hours later. Eliza and Alexander are still there.
He finds Aaron in the corridor, head in his hands.
He just looks so very broken.
How was he still alive? How did he breathe, knowing his wife would soon be gone, forever?
Alexander doesn't know what to do, but he moves automatically to sit down on the floor next to someone he used to consider his enemy.
But there are no enemies here. There is just them, united in grief.
Those who are left behind.
He lays his hand on Burr's arm and squeezes.
He doesn't say a word, but he feels the other man shake with silent sobs.
And for an indefinable amount of time, they sit there, Alex's hand resting on Burr's arm, Burr sobbing as if his heart was fracturing in his chest.
((((((~~~~~))))))
They are asked to leave around midnight. They don't object. This time feels to intimate for them to intrude on. Tia hasn't moved since she fell into a coma.
Eliza takes in the sight one last time.
Her friend, usually so glamorous, lay emaciated in her small hospital bed, bald, impossibly thin, her skin yellowed and pale. Her body was too weak to move, machines performed the functions of her diseased organs.
And yet. Tia's husband sat by her bedside, humming softly to her (as Alexander had done so often for Eliza). His hand passed softly across her cheek.
Theo lay with her head on her mother's shoulder, Tia's other hand in hers.
Eliza looked at Tia, dying.
But dying surrounded by love.
Dying, knowing that she had changed the lives of so many.
Dying and knowing her legacy lived on in her husband and children.
And she did know, of that, Eliza was sure.
((((((~~~~~))))))
They get the call around 4am.
Her heart gave out.
Tia is gone.
The tears come hard and fast. Alex holds her, and she him.
Suddenly, whatever they were once fighting about seems so small, so petty.
Eliza curls into her husband, who has never left her side through this whole nightmare.
Reaching up, she tangles her fingers into his long hair and pulls his mouth down to meet hers.
"I'm still here," she whispers. "You're still here. How lucky we are."
((((((~~~~~))))))
Tia is gone.
Forever, and that is such a hard concept to grasp.
But when Eliza pictures Tia, that last scene in the hospital room is not what she sees.
No, she sees her friend, standing and laughing, radiant and glowing. Her skin is shining and healthy, her hair is long, her curls whip in the wind.
Eliza pictures her clutching her daughter close to her, whispering to Theo words she couldn't hear but she could imagine.
Eliza pictures her cradling her husband's face in her hands, smiling at him, letting him know to let go, let go. I'm fine, I'll be fine. I'm not gone, I'm always here.
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
Oh god, I'm so sorry. I am a horrible, despicable person :P
But seriously, I knew who Tia was right from the beginning. Remember how I said I didn't technically create her? Yeah. So this was always the plan. But god, even writing the chapter made me cry all the ugly tears.
Please comment, call me the devil, I deserve this.