Well...this happened. I really should be getting ready for bed...

DarylDixon'sLover: Well...it's not too bad...

Farbeyondthegrave: Yeah, I figured I should stick that in there. Answer that burning question.

Brittney-xx: Haha! At least you stopped and didn't run into a pole or anything and get hurt! I wish I was that smart.

Cassouminette: Haha, yeah. Sleeping next to someone with a metal arm is bound to be painful sometimes. Especially when said someone gets nightmares.

Rose: I'm not telling! Muahahaha

xenocanaan: Yeah, I'm not that nice.

Tiphanie: I warned you! But things do get better because I can't be that mean to them. I'm losing my evil touch!

chibichibi98: Aww thanks! I'm glad you like them! I plan to follow Civil War to a point, but I have a few changes in mind, especially that horrifically painful ending. I've got something else in mind for that.

Enjoy!

I was numb. Even at work I was missing the happy bounce in my step that had started to return. I had actually thought maybe things were getting better. I was numbly re-shelving books, filling holes where books were missing. But I couldn't fill the hole that was inside me. After reading what HYDRA had done...what James had kept from me for months...I just couldn't bring myself to even smile anymore.

I think it hurt more that James had kept that from me. He'd said he wanted me to have a shot at a normal life again. To try and be happy and heal. Because throwing that on top of everything else weighing me down would have just been worse. It might have been the end of Olivia as well. I would just be nothing, sitting in the apartment on the couch, being spoon fed by James to keep me alive. No hope of ever recovering. An empty shell with no prospect of becoming something again. I would be a liability to James. More so than I was now. At least now I could still fight off an attack. If I wanted to.

"Go home, Olivia." The bookstore owner told me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You don't look so well. Take an early weekend." If he felt my flinch, he didn't show any sign of it.

"Thank you." I said quietly, shelving the book in my hand before gathering my things and leaving.

The walk back to the apartment seemed to take days. Everything around me was moving, but I was stuck. I didn't pay attention to much, just focusing straight ahead of me, and hoping I got back in one piece. I stared up at the never ending staircase of the apartment from the bottom, sighing before taking it one step at a time. At this rate, I'd get there by nightfall.

Actually, it took me about fifteen minutes. James was gone, probably out doing whatever it was he did during the day. I wasn't entirely sure. I hadn't ever asked. I figured it was his business, and he'd tell me if he wanted to.

I dropped my backpack on the floor before curling up on the couch. I buried my face in the crook of my elbow, letting the tears fall. I'd been doing a lot of crying over the past couple days, and I was tired of it, but I couldn't stop. HYDRA truly had broken me, and they weren't even going to tell me that much. If they really wanted to break me, all they would have had to do was tell me about that. It would have worked so well.

I didn't know I'd fallen asleep until a hand was shaking me. I jumped, turning to see James kneeling by the couch.

"Hey. I made dinner."

"I'm not hungry." I said, trying to turn, but his grip on my arm tightened, stopping me.

"No. Olivia, you need to eat. Okay? You're not going to do this." He cupped my cheek, making it so I couldn't turn away. "It hurts. It's terrible that they stooped that low. I get it. But you've gotta take care of yourself, doll. You can't just shut down when things get horrible. Sometimes you have to just push it back and keep going. I know. I do it every morning. No, it won't be easy, and it won't get better, but you'll learn to deal with it." His thumb stroked my cheek. "It's not fair that you had to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But..." He sighed. "They would have killed you regardless. HYDRA wouldn't care about something like that. They would have tortured you and wouldn't bat an eye. What would you have done? You couldn't have gone on the run like that. And they would have found you regardless and killed you still. There's always hope for the future, Olivia. It doesn't mean it's the end."

I soaked in his words for a while. He had a point. It had almost been better that it had happened like that. If I would have found out, then something happened...I would have been in even worse shape. And he was right, it wasn't the end of the world. I mean, it felt like it, but there were still other chances. Other options.

"Would you ever consider...with...me?"

James chuckled lightly, shaking his head before looking me in the eye. "Neither of us are in a place to handle that right now, doll."

"James?" I caught his hand before he got up. "Why do you call me doll?"

"I..." He frowned at the floor for a moment before looking back up at me. "I don't know. I guess...that's what we used to call girls way back when, and it fits you. You're the only girl in my life," He shrugged. "It's kind of a reminder of the way things used to be." I could see his cheeks getting a little pink. "And you're pretty special too."

"Well," I lifted my hand to the one that was on my cheek, lacing our fingers together. "You're my best guy, James. And I'm not going to complain if you're sweet on me."

A smile broke out on his face. "Where'd you learn that?"

I shrugged. "I work in a bookstore. And I'm pretty sure I saw it in a movie somewhere."

He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Well, you're my best girl, doll. Now come on." He stood, offering me his hands. "Let's get some dinner.

Things seemed to go back to normal after that, Winter coming in strong. It got cold and windy, the humidity doing nothing for my hair. I usually woke up, soaked in sweat from the personal heater James, and his need to have the radiator on. But I wasn't going to complain about that, since the last time he'd woke up cold, he nearly punched through the wall. So I would suffer heatstroke so he could be comfortable. I'd taken to sleeping in shorts and a tanktop, with the blanket thrown over me.

Sometimes I'd wake up curled against James' back, my arm thrown over him. Sometimes we'd be back to back, or facing each other. Other times I'd wake up with him curled against me, sometimes his arm would be thrown over my waist. That usually only happened when I was having a nightmare. We had a system down, and we'd do it almost unconsciously now.

He still called me doll, which made me blush a little now. Before, I thought it had just been a slip of his old self coming through, but now that I knew the implications, and he was doing it consciously, I couldn't help the feelings that stirred. We teased each other, laughing more as we worked around each other. He still ate his plum in the morning, and whether it helped or not I wasn't sure. He'd filled three notebooks so far with memories. I hadn't touched them, knowing they were private, and if he wanted to share, he would. That was something else I was working on.

I'd shared practically everything about me. My life when I was younger, my sister, life with my dad, everything before HYDRA, and everything after. I knew a little about him from both history and the Smithsonian, but there was still so much to him. So much no one else knew, but him. And maybe Steve Rogers.

I'd offered that as well. I told him he could go back to America. Find the Avengers. Tony Stark had a Tower in New York, and I was sure Steve was somewhere around there. I tried to convince him that Steve could help. Bring up some old memories, help him through the healing process. I thought it would be nice to have his old friend by his side again. But James had refused. And I only got one answer as to why.

"Because they'd take you away from me, doll."