The depression never really left her and some days are better than others.
A year has gone by and Hikari is 21, all the while she lived in the Akatsuki base with trained killers from all walks of life. A year since she's floated into this world with a death wish and a pair of lungs filled with water.
After her first night where she saw death laid bare so close to her, she's spent even more nights on these 'missions' that she's dubbed as 'killing sprees'. Hikari confirms that Hidan only joined the organization because of his love for violence and sacrifice plus the added bonus of being paid for it. If only Hikari could get her hands on some of that money, or any kind of outside help at all really.
It takes a week of nightmares filled with faceless demons and exceptionally loud darkness for her to realize that in this world, mental breakdowns and psychosis go hand in hand with prodigious ninja ability and that meant mental health really isn't much of a concern. Granted, most stem from traumatic experiences like death of a loved one or simply just illusions of grandeur but Hikari sees the faint line that it toes. Added with the means to carve mountains and summon grand beasts, of course these conditions can cause a person to go completely mad.
She worries if she'll be able to keep it together enough not to attract anyone's attention. She knows how bad it can get- how badly it can go for her- if Hidan or the other members decide they didn't want to deal with a crybaby who is not only weak but wrong in the head too.
My loyal follower will protect you and ensure your relative safety.
The now familiar rumbling echoes in her head. Hikari almost snorts at the god's attempt to comfort her, if He was even doing that. Despite the 'encouraging' words, she can't help but question her own self-worth which then lead to contradicting thoughts of why she should even care. Wasn't her goal to die?
She ponders this during the nights where heads go flying and the only thing her eyes, nose, and lips pick up is the metallic tang of blood. The same thoughts come to her in the days where she lays on her side on her portion of Hidan's bedroom floor, the dull haze of a quickly approaching summer fogging up her mind but still somehow latching onto her introversion.
What troubles her is that instead of being left alone, she seemed to catch the attention of yet more and more Akatsuki members.
Hikari remembers the first time she meets the infamous Uchiha Itachi.
It is the winter of her first year of her second life and Hikari is only just getting into the routine of things. That is, if you called Hidan's spontaneous rages, Kakuzu's greed-filled killing sprees, and Jashin's fantasy babble akin to some type of routine.
Hikari is wary and a little bitter- from what Kakuzu did to her to being stuck with life again- but she's slowly building up her confidence and almost, just almost, feels somewhat comfortable in the Akatsuki. Hidan wasn't too bad (Hikari has experience with raging 'caretakers' anyway), especially the days where her training proved something to him and made him beam with a proud glint in his eye. Kakuzu kept to himself and hasn't even looked Hikari's way since that mission, which the dark haired girl was thankful yet a little spiteful about. Even Jashin made for some really good ego boosting with his baritone words and dark promises.
This is all the reason why Hikari was in a relatively good mood that day, walking into the kitchen to make her and Hidan's lunch for the day.
(Hikari quietly keeps to herself that sometimes she felt like she was caring for the silver haired mercenary, not the other way around. Especially since she made nearly all his meals, washed his clothes, and even organized his cloaks for him. She also vigorously denies any accusations of her doing this on her own, but instead being forced to by the end of Hidan's scythe.)
As she turned the corner that would lead her into the kitchen area of the base- which surprised her during her 'tour' of the place, assuming S-ranked criminals didn't eat like normal people- Hikari bumps into a solid chest with a hard thunk.
Her head throbs a little but it wasn't that painful, she thinks with a rub of her forehead. She's halfway from apologizing when a disinterested grunt comes her way from the other person.
It takes exactly three seconds for Hikari to even realize she just bumped into the Uchiha Itachi, martyr of Konoha and a gentle soul.
Gentle my ass, she sneers in her mindspace. Jashin agrees with His own noncommittal noise when Itachi pushes his way away from her and leaves, not once even looking her in the eye. The dark haired young woman can only shrug off the annoyance and get back to making lunch.
Hikari doesn't see or even think much of Itachi after that first encounter. He disappears into her mind like the silent killer that he is, fading away with the monotony of feigned routine and normalcy.
The main reason of why the Uchiha was so easily forgotten was because of the full force that her depression attacked her with lately, pushing everything else to the back and placing the anxiety, detachment, and suicidal thoughts to the forefront of her mind. Occasionally she can see the looming, static figure in her peripherals and it scares the wit out of her every time.
It seemed like her focus was pin-point, tunnel vision zeroing in on the most unnecessary thoughts and observations.
A memory of her staring at a wrinkle in Hidan's bedsheets for nearly an hour and feeling discomforted by it surfaces in her thoughts.
Hidan noticed something was off, if only a little. He voiced his concerns one day by making sure her physical training was extra grueling, saying that "hard work will keep your mind off things". As if what was plaguing her could be easily cured through sweat and tears.
Hikari knew the only real way to deal with her ailment was psychiatric help. However the closest thing that would be is their resident medical genius, Orochimaru of the Sannin.
She overhears Hidan complaining about a "snake-faced sinner" and makes the only guess of who he might have been talking about. Gathering all the facts about the Sannin she could remember- experimented on children, driven by need of immortality, curse mark- Hikari figures that with his knowledge on the human body and experimentation, he could make this world's version of an anti-depressant.
Back in her first life she had never went to see a mental health specialist for any kind of drugs in fear that she wouldn't be able to pay for it. Years were spent wondering if it would have made any kind of difference.
Going up to the Sannin and asking for help was no easy matter, it turns out. Hikari first had to find the man and with the base's winding hallways and similar decor it took about a week before her eyes picked up on the swaying of long black hair turn a corner ahead of her. Picking up her speed she turned the corner herself and nearly tripped.
She had almost made the mistake of bumping right into the Sannin. Orochimaru stood with an unimpressed face, knowing that she was running up to him and was too good to be caught off guard.
"Hidan's little plaything. If you have something to say, say it now before I decide to have my own fun with you." Orochimaru's voice nearly hissed out, though he didn't sound angry, merely impatient.
Hikari's cheeks and ears burned brightly at the insinuation that Hidan was 'having fun with her'. She blushed even harder at the sexual connotation behind the Sannin's words though she was sure he hadn't meant it to be that way.
Shaking her shame away, she quickly asks, "Do you know of any drugs that help with depression? Or at least, anxiety?"
After asking, Hikari's relieved at the interested rise of the man's eyebrow. She was unsure if words like depression or anxiety even existed in this world but she hoped his interest in testing and knowledge would make him want to look into it.
"And why would I tell you if I did have any?" Came a monotone reply. Orochimaru decided to entertain the girl's enquiries just this once though he would usually kill someone for the the rude way she was speaking to him.
"I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it." She pleads, her hands clench at her sides ashamed.
The fine strands of hair by Orochimaru's neck spill onto his back as he tilts his head, "So you are sick? And you want me to give you medicine?"
The words come out monotone and flat but Hikari picks up on the mocking tone it tries to hide. Orochimaru is trying to goad her, she thinks. See if belittling her would make her run. What the Sannin doesn't know is that Hikari is familiar with humility and shame and that the need to make the static figure go away forces her to swallow her small ego and bear his mocking.
She nods her head and keeps her eyes to the floor. A second of tension and hoping pass as the man considers her plea.
"Hm. Very well then, if you'll follow me."
Hikari triumphs this time around with Orochimaru's sneer and bullheaded fearlessness. She considers the fact that the Sannin didn't directly threaten her life a win as well.
The two walk like a regal snake striding through the hallways with a twitchy mouse scuttling behind until the pair reach another part of the base. Orochimaru pushes his way through the door with Hikari in tow and quickly starts looking into some of the cabinets.
The brown eyed woman takes the time to peer at the little curiosities of the room, taking in the almost normal sight of what she sees. She half suspected the Sannin's lab to be just that: a lab.
Instead, the office-styled room held several metal cabinets, bookshelves, and even a desk with two chairs. Hikari meanders towards the bookshelves and examine the oddities that line the shelf in front of her. A floating eyeball- normal, albeit the iris a little foggy- placed in a glass jar greeted her first and though a little strange, Hikari had to admit nothing in the room screamed 'mad scientist'.
"What were you expecting?" Came a knowing sneer behind her. Hikari turns herself to face the Sannin, uncomfortable with the stare he is undoubtedly giving her.
"I've no clue what trash Hidan has been filling your head with but I assure you I find messy work spaces detestable."
Hikari jumps as a tube is tossed at her, the Sannin lazily (yet scarily accurate) throwing it over as he began rifling through some documents on his desk.
The young woman turns the tube over in her hands examining it. On a square piece of paper pasted on top of tube she read, in messily scrawled handwriting that reminded her of a doctor's, "Citalopram, Escitalopram, Fluoxetine, Fluvoxamine, Paroxetine, Sertraline*... Take one daily, swallow whole."
Hikari stuttered as she read through the ingredients on what was assumed to be the anti-depressants. Hearing the girl struggling with the words, Orochimaru chuckled as much as an S-ranked missing-nin could.
"That is what 'anti-depressant' I have right now. Before I let you take off with it I'll need you to do something for me. I cannot just give you this kind of help without stipulation afterall."
The wide smile aimed at Hikari from the pale skinned man made her shudder. Men like Orochimaru always had something else planned, something else hidden from others to see.
What followed after was a series of test that had the two sitting on the chairs and following the Sannin's instructions. They were mostly painless. Taking her height, weight, and other mundane things that would happen at a physician's office. After that, however, came some blood work and Orochimaru cared little for the girl's discomfort at being poked and prodded.
"Take one pill daily, whole. If anything strange happens come and see me. By strange I mean something life-threatening or immediately changing your physical appearance," He glanced in warning, making sure Hikari didn't come crying to him for the little things.
"And do try to keep your medication hidden from prying eyes. Who knows what will happen should your caretaker find it and take it away from you."
'Caretaker' was hissed out in mocking, amber eyes slitted at Hikari and made her hand tremble slightly. The threat was clear: keep the drugs a secret or get punished and never get 'help' from Orochimaru again.
Hikari nodded, too dumbstruck to say anything back. All too quickly she was being ushered out back into the dimly lit hallway.
As she was nearing a corner, she picked up Orochimaru's low voice, "Let us hope you have no history with seizures or epilepsy..."
Looking back, Hikari really should have expected things to go wrong after speaking with the Snake Sannin.
It took a week of ingesting the small white pills given to her to see any change. At first it was good.
Hikari felt more in tune with reality, as if the lines in the walls became bolder and larger, and little sounds like her toes scratching the floor became more prominent. Everything seemed more crisp and it was like taking a breath of fresh air.
When she really did step outside it was like opening her eyes to a whole new world. Before, everything was so flat and unreal but now it was like the colors of the ground and the sky were popping out at her. Things finally looked three-dimensional and Hikari felt like she was truly alive; not living in some kind of fantasy world, crippled by her flagging mental health but utterly and completely alive.
If Hidan could tell the difference Hikari wouldn't know. Training went by as normal with the added bonus of seemingly heightened senses and more liveliness from the previously gloomy girl. She was more likely to respond to Hidan's commands instead of the usual grim nod and even the blood markings glowed more brightly than it ever did.
Hidan chalked it up to Jashin's blessings.
But of course all good things must come to an end the same way nothing gold can stay. With the changing of seasons, autumn drastically coming to the base, Hikari felt something disrupt within her. Almost as if a slowly dwindling strand of twine was coming to its last threads, the tension snapped within her and Hikari woke up sweating on a cool autumn morning. Her fingers clenched around the ratty blanket given to her as she tried to calm her breath.
Her eyes were glazed and unfocused, darting left and right, up and down, any which way since the static overcoming her vision crawled across her eyeballs neverending. When she felt that her entire body was covered in the inky black static of that creature, Hikari let out a shrieking scream.
Subject: Sanada Hikari
Maturity: Adult, female
Height: 154 cm
Weight: 40.8 kg
Gross Description: Hair color, black. Length reaches past shoulders. Eyes slightly yellow/test for jaundice at available time. Malnourished and lack of sleep causing higher stress and anxiety. Underweight for height.
Given prescription to lower anxiety levels and disruption of reality; 'antidepressant' as subject called it.
Behavioral Observation: Subject flinches and has muscles spasms at random intervals. Eyes occasionally wanders and becomes unfocused, subject does not realize she is doing this.
- Subject returns after 22 days of taking medication, status has worsened. Hair loss evident likely pulled out by subject's own hands. Eyes much more bloodshot, hyperpigmentation around area. Mumbles often and occasionally forms sentences, speaking to unknown entity and does not react to clapping or objects waved in face, symptoms of schizophrenia. Coherent not even once since returning,
Orochimaru pauses his hand and the pencil stills in the air, interrupting the notes he was jotting down. Hidan's plaything got out of her chair once again and the lithe man has to go back and return her to her seat. He has little patience for such things so he straps her down with chakra wire, should they dig into her skin she probably won't even feel it since she was so out of it.
This patient admittedly turned out with better results than expected, the Sannin thinks. Previous iterations of the drugs administered to patients formed tumors at their worst and irreparable mental damage at its best (at least one extreme would leave the patient alive). The tough little thing managed to hold off for nearly a month before adverse effects started showing, which was impressive in itself.
Though the most notable change would be found not in her head but in her physical body. After running a Mystical Palm on the girl, Orochimaru was pleased to find that the drug had increased the amount of chakra being created inside the girl and sped up cell regeneration- not the kind that the late Shodai was gifted with, mind you, but enough to surprise even a veteran like himself.
Contrary to the belief that Orochimaru sought for immortality using brutish means like body swapping, the ambitious man researched for ways to achieve his goals knowing full well that knowledge was a strength in itself. Which lead to him creating and synthesizing drugs that could extend his own life, or in Hikari's case, regenerate what was once lost.
Speaking of the now addle-minded woman, Orochimaru stepped up to her chair to examine her one more time. His frame lowered itself to eye level and watched as dilated pupils shook and zoomed across her orbs imitating the patterns of REM sleep. Perhaps, the snake faced man mused, she is dreaming with her eyes wide open. Unknown to the man however is how close his musings were to the actual truth, though Hikari saw more nightmarish images than sweet dreams.
"Alright, girl," Orochimaru hisses out but his voice is clear and as close to cooing as it could ever come. Something about the way the twitching woman was now his impaired patient seemed to endear her just the miniscule bit to his heart.
"It is clear that the medication only helped for a short period in the beginning and is now making a mess of your person. So it is time to take you off it and start your recovery. I will confiscate all your leftover pills by tonight. Your body should cycle out the rest of the medication especially now with your, added, benefits…"
Orochimaru knew full well he wasting his breath on a person who couldn't even see him let alone hear him but it was all standard procedure- that is, to give a short report to the patient- something he'd learn from a certain blonde, a memory buried deep in the recesses of his mind. He had wanted to become a medic once, all those years ago, but he realizes now what kind of foolish thinking that had been. He's always been the monster anyways, on the front lines staring down the enemy and causing fear and chaos. Monsters like him had hands that would never heal, only meant to torment and take life.
Thin lips press together and with a whoosh of dark fabric, the patient is resting in her room and the small tube hidden under a futon is in the hands of the snake-faced man. By the next day Hikari wakes up and sees the world again.
On that horrid first night of being off the pills she spent it with a clenching pain in her stomach and the next morning with her head in the toilet. The murky brown of her upchuck was colored with deep red. Hidan was clearly holding in his fury and instead was almost comforting with the way he (roughly) patted her back as she puked her guts out.
The second night went smoother though Hidan finally broke down and started yelling at her, asking her why she suddenly felt ill and if this was punishment from Jashin. The horrible death god laughed that deep, amused laugh all night after that.
It took three days for Hikari to feel well enough to go outside and train again. Hidan was running out of patience waiting for her to get back to business and help him kill again. Hikari didn't know whether to feel flattered that the pink-eyed nin wanted her companionship (and usefulness) or morbid that a few more people got to live those couple of days only because she was out sick and holding the man back.
Orochimaru really should have weaned her off the pills first, she thinks. It can't be healthy for her body to suddenly cut off a drug as strong as that. She's at least grateful that it wasn't addictive.
Back on the battlefield for the first time since being "sick", Hikari struggled to fall back into the hang of things. It took a little more chakra to cast the technique, a little more focus to hold it and keep it up. She'd even been yelled at by Hidan because he could see the way her eyes glazed over at times when heads went rolling and jutsu flew around her trying to kill her.
There was a good reason for the distraction, she thinks: the nightmares followed her even in the waking world.
In the corners of her eyes she can see a mass of darkness, swirling and congealing together like the spawns of the original static creature. They were terrible things and Hikari was afraid. As the bodies fell around her their souls seemed to tie themselves to these monsters and join together to form a new being altogether. What luck, of course the creatures would warp and evolve into something new to terrorize her.
For the first time she prayed that night to Jashin, asking for the god's mercy.
"Please, please help me. I don't know how to make it stop. Orochimaru just made it worse, I see them outside now." She whispers with her head touching the floor, legs tucked beneath her in a bow.
Hikari is alone in the bathroom- with the door locked for privacy and the illusion of it cradles her safely- and she has a kunai on the ground next to her. As she expected, the god did not answer her pleas so she lifts her head slowly. Knowing as much as she does about Jashin, she assumed he would only listen to her if she offered some kind of sacrifice.
The metal of the weapon glints under the dingy light of the bathroom whose cracked tiles had traces of mold as the water ran stale. There was an overall griminess inside the room that hinted at Hidan's messy clean ups but at the moment Hikari couldn't bring herself to care. Metal shined once more as she lifts the kunai above her left palm, steadying her breath and firming her resolve before driving it down with chakra enhanced strength. She'd never be as thankful for Hidan's lessons as she is now.
Flesh ripped apart easily as Hikari let out a pained yelp, tears prickling her eyes as she quickly pulls the blade out and chucks it into the yellow-tinged bath tub. She is immediately clutching the bleeding appendage and attempts to speak to the god again, though this time mentally.
Jashin-sama, I offer this blood for you so please listen to my prayer.
A rumbling akin to a growling predator reverberates in her ears, If you think that puny cut is enough to satiate me you are deluded, child. Kill a man for me, cut off his limbs, gut him and present him to me like a loyal follower and I will humor your whims.
The death god quiets as Hikari's crying becomes an outpour of tears and sobs. She should have known putting a hole in her hand wouldn't be enough, only the complete evisceration of a human would make these creatures go away.
She cries and cries and begs for forgiveness from her mother, from her soulmate, and even from herself, the child that was lost but pure all those years ago for what she will have to do. The void creatures get closer with each hour, a few centimeters here or a scuffle there but Hikari knows. Sooner or later the monsters will get to her and she is afraid that she will not die. No, she will be trapped in their grasp and will have to endure a never ending nightmare of all the sins of the world, including her own, and she will never know the peace of death.
Hikari is terrified of not being able to die and rest in peace. So she goes out after roughly bandaging her damaged hand to find Hidan.
"Hidan. I- I was thinking that I want to make my first sacrifice, to Jashin-sama." She stutters out when she finds the silver haired nin doing push ups outside.
Surprisingly, the god fearing shinobi enjoyed the cool night air and usually took it upon himself to do his training around midnight. It usually works out for Hikari since her insomnia allowed her to stay up and enjoy some quiet in the room. Hidan's muscles rippled as he pushed himself down once more before sitting up to look at the young woman.
"Right now, seriously? Can't you see I'm busy?" He huffs out but Hikari fills with hope since it wasn't an outright no.
"Please? I talked to Jashin-sama and he said I should." Hikari has her hands clasped and is doing her best to out on a pout.
Hidan gives a long, considering look to her. Hikari wasn't much of a talker on her best days and he can honestly say this must be the most she's ever spoken to him voluntarily. As much as he hates to admit it, he's grown a little fond of his new weapon. And if Jashin-sama is encouraging her to make her first sacrifice then why not? He could go with letting out a bit of steam tonight anyways.
All this went into account as Hidan replied, "Well, since you put it that way, let's fucking do it! In fact, I think one of the other members is about to go on a mission right now so we can tag along without Leader getting pissed at us leaving without his damn permission. Again."
Hikari shows her gratitude with a smile and nearly forgets to keep her injured hand hidden behind the other. She hopes that what she is about to do will help her, God she hopes it does.
*These ingredients were one of the first I found while researching about anti-depressants. Please understand that I am no doctor so the "medical professional" parts in this chapter are completely a work of fiction.
Orochimaru makes his debut! He obviously planned for the drug to harm Hikari in the end but honestly that's the Orochi we all know and love (winkwink). Speaking of love, resident love-interest Uchiha Itachi finally is mentioned haha
This chapter ends in a cliff hanger so please look forward to future chapters!
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