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Chapter 12

The alarm clock beeped 07:00. Shepard lay in bed, her mind never stopping. What happened last night? She was at a loss. She remembered the lights fading, but that was it. When Garrus asked if she tried to kill herself, she hadn't known how to answer. That would be a good idea, but she could never do it. She always hoped things would change, that there would always be a solution; she would always find a way. Looking to her side, she noticed the empty bed. He's already up.

Shepard got into her clothing, grabbed the envelope she had prepared last night and made her way to the med bay. At the mess, she noticed the place was deserted. Looking towards the main battery, she saw that Garrus wasn't there. Through the window, she could see inside the med bay, and Kaidan was being scanned by the Doc. The ship's communal room felt small, sad and bleak. A sense of loss started to creep up from Shepard's guts, and she pulled a chair to sit down. Bracing her arms on the table, she laid her head on them, trying to catch her breath. I'm a selfish coward, I must pay for what I've done.

'Shepard?'

Kaidan's hand on her shoulder was as feather light as his raspy voice.

'Yes?'

'Is everything alright?'

'Yes. Nothing to worry about. What's the time?'

'Seven fifty two.'

Shepard speared her cane on the floor, raised her body, and limply walked to the med bay. 'I'm alright Kaidan, I just need to get home.'

'I don't believe you. You don't look alright.'

'Of course I don't. I'm recovering from battle, and yesterday I collapsed and almost cracked my head open.' She gave him a small smile.

'Want to come and grab breakfast again today?'

'No, thank you.'

'I can bring you some if you like.'

'Thanks, Kaidan. But I'll manage.' She walked away.

Shepard spent the whole day with the doctor. She had a round of IV nourishment, and was scanned and prodded with every gadget present in the small space.

'Hmm. Everything seems physically in order. How have you been handling the past events?'

'What? You mean emotionally?' Shepard took a pause. 'I've been better, I just need to go home, Doc. I'm tired, and I need to feel the earth under my feet for a while.' This is me now, the lying, deflecting queen.

'About last night, tell me what happened.'

'I stowed my gear, a pistol didn't fit in the footlockers. I left it on my desk while I sorted out other matters. Then I got up, I think I was going to bring the weapon to the armoury. I think I may have stood up too fast. All I know is that all went black, and I woke up here, with you.'

'I see, Garrus did tell me the weapon didn't have any heat sinks. Well, the IV will help your body bounce back. You need to gain 7 kilos, and you need a diet of 3k+ for the duration of your leave.'

'Don't worry, Doc, I have a stock back home.'

'Alright, you are free to leave. Take good care of yourself, Shepard, the galaxy can take care of itself now.'

'Haha, ok, Doc.'

Shepard left the med bay and decided to find Garrus. Maybe he's at Liara's quarters. Coming near the door, she could hear small hum noises coming from inside. One regular and another doubled. Well, that was quick.

'Garrus, I understand, but you can't just simply press her against a wall! Please, consider my suggestion.' Liara pleaded.

'Liara, I don't know what to do. I feel like she's closing up and slipping away, and I don't know how to help.' The despair in Garrus' eyes was heartbreaking.

Garrus and Liara were deep inside her office and didn't hear the soft hiss of the door opening up. Their voices were too muffled to actually be understood.

'Do you guys need anything?'

'Shepard! How are you?' Said Liara and Garrus 'We didn't hear you coming in.' At the same time.

'Hey, Liara. I was looking for you, Garrus. Can we talk?'

'Of course. Do you want to go some place private?'

'No, here's good. Liara probably already knows all about it.' She smiled at her Shadow Broker friend.

'Okay. What is it?' Garrus was curious.

'Well, you know I have two places, my apartment near the Alliance area and a small house in the country.'

'Yes. And if it's still intact, Anderson's old apartment.' Garrus added.

'Yes, that one too... but anyway, after we finished the Collectors, I arranged with Kassumi to run a couple of errands for me. I knew I would be locked up for a while and didn't want to lose time. She was low profile enough, and I knew the war was just a matter of time.'

'Oh, she's good. I knew she was moving supplies, but I was never able to pinpoint the depot where she stored it.' Said Liara.

'Yeah, my two places. They are packed with essentials and rations for about 1 to 2 years. Levo and Dextro.'

'Shepard, what are you saying?' Garrus asked.

'I know your father and sister are refugees, and here...' From a small envelope, Shepard handed Garrus four coded keys. 'One is for your father, one for you sister, and the other two are for you. One for the cottage and the other for the apartment. Here, Liara, this one is for the cottage if you ever need a place to stay. I'll be staying there during my leave.'

Garrus looked at the keys and couldn't believe what she was doing. 'Shepard, I wish I could say I can't take this but... Thank you.' Garrus felt humbled by his love's actions. Even with all that had been going on, she still thought of him and his family.

'Thank you, Shepard.' Said Liara.

'Well, this was it. I didn't say anything before, because I needed to confirm everything was in place. That both places were still standing and viable. But, yeah...'

Garrus walked to her and hugged her, kissing the top of her head. 'Thank you.'

'I think I better go and... Yes, I believe I'm needed somewhere else. Talk to you later, Shepard'. Liara left.

'Joan, please, what is going on?'

'Nothing, Garrus, I'm just tired. Of everything. I need to go home and stay away from all the death.'

'And what will happen after your leave is up?'

'I'll cross that bridge when the time comes.'

'I don't know, Joan, there is more to this than you want to talk about, I'm worried about you.'

Shepard stepped back from his touch. 'Garrus, please, I have nothing else to tell you. I told you everything that I had to say. I blacked out yesterday. I would never try to kill myself. I just wouldn't know how!' Shepard felt cornered.

Garrus seemed to be closing in with his questions, and she could see in his eyes that he was plotting ways to get out of her whatever he thought she was hiding. Garrus, please do not push me... I don't want to do this...

'Joan, I care about you, and seeing you like this is eating me up. I have to leave tomorrow...' - Shepard looked surprised. – 'Yeah I was going to tell you yesterday, and it'll be a while before I can see you again. In the meantime, I need to know you'll be all right.'

'Maybe we should remedy that.' Shepard was shattering inside.

'What do you mean? You come with me? But you need to get better...' - His face closed, and he took a sombre stance. – 'You don't mean that, do you?'

'No I don't...' She turned to her side, unable to look at him. If he saw how much she hurt in doing this, he would never let her go.

'Why?' Garrus felt his insides turn into cold hard stone.

'I need space. I need to be alone...'

'No, you don't want to be alone. You just don't want people taking care of you, being there for you. What have I done to get this from you?'

Images of him under the waterfall, floating over her hands... quietly calibrating the Normandy's guns, sitting with her while she read at the ship's lounge flooded her mind, their first time... Her heart broke in that moment, and she knew she deserved that. It was her punishment for what she did.

'I don't know what to say Garrus...' – she gathered her strength and continued – 'But, our romantic relationship ends here, now.'

'I don't believe you...' – He approached her, raising his hand to touch her arm... any part of her. He needed to be close to her, but she was slipping away. She took a step back. – 'Joan, I love you... with all that I am, I love you.' – No, she was already gone, closed in on herself.

Shepard turned to the other side, careful to not show him her face, and walked towards the door without looking back, 'Please, use the apartment. I won't be there, and I have no other intent for it but to help you and your family... Use it for as long as you need it. Please.' She left, eyes red, tears pooling dangerously in her eyes but yet to fall but her tears never fell. She made it into the elevator without being seen.

Garrus stood in Liara's quarters. He felt robbed of breath and life. She was gone. He lost her. He looked into his hands and saw the keycards. His family would be safe, but no happiness came from it. His heart was gone, it had walked away through that door. This can't be it. He walked after her and took the elevator to her quarters.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard had just sat down in the crook of the couch. The room was almost completely dark, including the fish tank. The only shred of light came from the skylight. She could only see shapes: her bed, the coffee table. She heard the door hiss open. Desperation bubbled up inside her.

'We can't be over like this, Joan. I know you love me. You are not fooling me.'

Shepard heard Garrus' soft paces entering the room. He wasn't wearing any armour, and he moved almost silently without it. She knew that he could probably see her. His eyesight was far better than hers.

'Garrus...'

She felt the couch dip on her left side, he was sliding over to her. She was sitting with both feet on the coffee table. He approached slowly, as if not to scare her, and slid his arm around her head, up over the couch's back. His legs slid under hers, and he cocooned her with his form.

Garrus' subharmonics were the softest she had ever heard. It resonated inside her, giving back a little of warmth to her heart. 'Joan. Please, I'm here. I will never leave you, I will never judge you, I accept all of you. Good and bad. We are not over, have your time, but I will come back, and we will overcome this.' He had his mouth near her neck, his breath gently caressing her skin.

She shivered. She didn't know what to do. He was her best friend, Liara and he were the only family she had most of the time. She could try to break what they had but it would need a lot more than what she did to destroy it.

She leaned on his chest, and Garrus suspected she was crying. He had never seen her cry. In the dark, no one will ever see her tears, safe.

She didn't deserve safe, didn't deserve him or Liara. She was a selfish monster. Losing them would be her punishment to herself. Simple, I'll cut my heart out and I'll never feel this grief again.

Garrus had never witnessed sorrow like this. She was consumed with such grief, and he didn't understand why. The war was over, they won! He hurt for her, she was hurting him and he didn't understand.

He stayed there, maybe for hours, he suspected she fell asleep right there. Testing her awareness, he gathered her up in his arms and took her to bed, taking off her shoes and covering her. He set himself to get the last of his gear ready for his departure tomorrow.

Once he finished, the day cycle was almost over and, again, he cocooned her with his body and she, as always, unconsciously snuggled up to him. He embraced her and held on to her as if she would disappear into the darkness.

oO0~0Oo

The next day, Garrus woke up early, and relief flooded him when he saw she was still in bed. Leaving her right now felt wrong, as if he was hitting the last destroy command on a console. But he had to leave and he would be back. Maybe she really needed space.

Giving her one last hug, he got up and got ready. Before leaving, he left her a note on her datapad. 'I will come back, you are not alone in this. I love you.' And he left.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard woke up somewhere in the middle of the morning cycle, extremely late for her standards. Looking at the empty space on Garrus' side of the bed, she felt a masochistic sense of justice. I don't deserve any of this.

Finding his note, her gut closed in on her. She got up, and when she was walking to her shower, Liara came in.

'Shepard. Good morning.'

'Came to check in on me?'

'Yes. And also see if you wanted to do anything today. My schedule is free.'

Shepard limped her way into the bathroom. 'Sounds like a good idea. Give me 10 minutes, and I'll be ready.' – She pointed at the couch.

Liara sat while she waited for her friend. The room felt like it was losing its soul. Shepard's footlockers were stacked in front of the fish tank near her desk, there were no books or portraits in the shelves. Marko, her hamster, was safely packed in a vented box on top of the footlockers.

The fact that something happened to Shepard was obvious. Liara didn't know how to help, what to do with the situation, especially because her friend will be leaving to Earth tomorrow. There was no time, and Liara was still so swamped with responsibilities that she couldn't get away. She had been discussing a way to help her with Garrus yesterday, but he still didn't accept that maybe they needed help. She could only help if she chose wisely.

The bathroom door opened, and Shepard came out, hair still wet in a yellow t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Firmly relying on her cane, she approached Liara.

'Alright. Where to?'

'We are going to have breakfast, then visit a park in another dome on the peak side of this moon.'

'Then let's do it!'

They left the Normandy and went to the same pub at the commercial dome, chatting nonsense and keeping a light mood. Shepard was thankful her friend didn't try to get anything out of her.

Finishing up with what may have been considered brunch, they went to the park dome. There, the artificial environment merged nature and steel. A large area, so big you couldn't see its edges from the middle, was filled with trees and flowers in full bloom. The beauty of the place muted the background worry in Liara's and Shepard's minds.

'This is a beautiful place, Liara, this was a good idea.'

'Thank you, Shepard.'

They walked in silence for a while before Liara broke their quiet.

'I saw Garrus leave this morning.'

'Yes, he had a few assignments.'

'Are you two alright?'

'Yes… No, we... no, I broke up our romantic relationship.'

'I see. What happened?'

'I need to be by myself for a while, and I can't hold him back while I figure out stuff by myself.'

'You don't really know how to be taken care of, do you?'

'What? That's not what I meant. I just... I need to... That is not the point.'

'Of course it's not. You take care of a crew, you save people on a daily basis. Goddess, you saved the galaxy. So why won't you be able to save yourself, right?'

'You can be annoyingly perceptive at times, do you know that?'

'I do my best.' - Liara gave her a short smile. – 'Shepard, I know you are going through something...' - She raised her hands – 'And I don't want to push. Just know, I'm here, and you are not alone.'

'Hm... Garrus said the same thing.' It's better to have you from a distance than nothing at all.

'He has his moments of wisdom when he's not calibrating or shooting things. Do you love him?'

'Yes.'

'Do you still love Kaidan?'

'Yes… No… a little… I don't know? Liara! Where did that come from?'

'If I tell you my goal, you will defeat me, Shepard. I know you well enough to be prepared when dealing with you.'

'I'm not that difficult!'

'Yes, you are stubborn, and I did notice you avoided answering the question.'

'I didn't. I needed to take care of one subject, and then, I would tackle the other.'

'Uhum... of course.'

'I care for him. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop that. But I don't trust him. I did, once. As much as he says he loves me, he doesn't trust me enough to have faith in me.'

'Seems like a retro-feeding system.'

'I know. But there's nothing I can or want to do about it. He doesn't have a place in my life either.'

'And so, you are going to push everybody away? Even me?'

Shepard looked at Liara. Her blue eyes were guarded, and a little hurt. 'I'm not going to push you away,Liara, but you will leave soon. You will always have a place with me. But I know our lives will drift apart.'

'This is ridiculous, Shepard, everyone drifts apart if they don't make a conscious effort to stay together. What are you saying? Are you giving up?'

'I don't know.' Yes, I guess I am. It's no less than what I deserve.

They were quiet for the rest of their walk. Liara walked by Shepard's side as much as she could, as if she could bridge their emotional distance with physical proximity. Going back home at the end of the day, Shepard's last day at the Normandy, the conflicting feel of desperation and rightfulness of what she was doing flooded her. After all, it was no less than what she deserved.

oO0~0Oo