Making Plans

"Saw a Border
Tasted it too long
I only know one role
Now I know it's gone"

Coldplay- Up In Flames

The moment she'd torn the envelope open it fell out- the badge that she'd been dreaming of ever since she first came to Hogwarts at age eleven. The head girl badge with her initials, L.E, on it. Lily slowly picked it up from the kitchen table and squealed.

The reaction was immediate: her mother jumped up from her chair at the sound and Petunia almost spilled out her tea that she was just about to take a sip from. Mr Evans exclaimed:

"What's wrong Lily?!"

But Lily couldn't bring herself to explain. She was still too overwhelmed, too happy, and all she managed to say was:

"I GOT IT! I ACTUALLY GOT IT!"

"What did you get honey?" her mother asked and grabbed her Hogwarts letter to see if she could find anything out of the ordinary. "This letter looks just like they always do..."

Lily sighed impatiently, holding up the badge for her whole family to see.

"Not the letter! This!"

And then, realization finally dawned upon both her parents' faces and judging from the sour look Petunia gave her she also knew what this was about. After all, Lily had talked about it ever since she returned home for Christmas during her first year at Hogwarts. Her mother gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

"Oh Lily! Is it really...?"

Lily nodded, smiling widely.

"I'm head girl!"

"Oh, well done! We are so proud of you!"

Her father gave her a bone-breaking hug and Lily laughed.

"Dad... Can't... breathe..."

"We know how much you've always wanted this!" he exclaimed as he finally let her go. "This is definitely worth celebrating!"

Lily could see from the corner of her eye how Petunia rolled her eyes demonstratively and then grabbed the muggle newspaper to have something to hide her face behind. But at that moment, not even she could ruin Lily's good mood.

"We'll have a special dinner tonight and you'll get to choose the food"

Her mother interrupted her thoughts, beaming at her youngest daughter who hugged her tightly.

"That sounds great, mum. But nothing too big, I don't want you to overdo yourself"

Unlike arrogant and self absorbed people like James Potter and the other marauders Lily had never appreciated it when all light was on her and she hated getting too much attention. In fact, it felt almost... embarrassing.

Her father curiously eyed the piece of parchment where Professor Mc Gonagall congratulated her on becoming head girl and then asked his daughter:

"So... I take it you have a lot of responsibility now?"

Lily nodded, grinning. To her, the thought was not at all frightening but rather exciting.

"I guess so. Together with the head boy I'll lead all the prefects and..."

But she drifted off, for Petunia suddenly stood up and marched out of the kitchen without a word. A second later she slammed the front door shut and from the kitchen window they could all see her walking away from the house. Mrs Evans sighed tiredly.

"I guess she's just jealous..."

"I'll go talk to her..." Mr Evans started but Lily interrupted him:

"No, dad... Can I go?"

Her parents both looked very surprised, giving each other a quick look before Lily's mother started:

"Of course you can honey, but I'm not sure..."

"It's worth a try"

And with those words, Lily followed her sister out of the house. For some reason, she'd suddenly decided upon trying one more time. She'd never admit it out loud, but she missed what she and Petunia had once had and if there was anything she could do to get at least some of it back...

"Petunia!" she called and to her great surprise she found that her sister actually turned around, glaring at her, arms crossed.

"What do you want, Lily?" she snarled.

For a moment, her question left Lily speechless. After all these years... What did she want, really? Merlin, this was awkward... She swallowed twice before whispering:

"I... I don't want this"

Petunia raised her eyebrows, her eyes still cold.

"What do you mean? I thought you'd always dreamed of that bloody badge..."

"You know that's not what I meant"

They both fell silent. Lily took a deep breath and then nodded towards the pair of swings that could be seen from where they now stood. Years ago they'd both sat there, playing, and Petunia had always scolded Lily for jumping so high and still landing on her feet. Of course, back then she hadn't known that she was a witch.

Back then they'd been best friends.

"Remember when we used to play together over there, every day?"

She nodded towards the swings and Petunia snorted.

"Yes, before you met that boy..."

Lily did her best to ignore the way her sister talked about Severus. It was easier when thinking of what he'd become and how he'd called her a mudblood back in fifth year...

"Tuney, I don't understand why it has to be like this or why we can't be friends anymore! I don't know anything about your life! You've been dating that Vernon Dursley for over half a year and I still haven't had the chance to see him since you're afraid I might embarrass you or behave like the freak you think I am"

Lily shook her head slowly, realizing that it was the first time in years that she was perfectly honest with her sister, and it felt so nice to finally get it all out.

"I don't understand what I ever did... to make you hate me so much"

Come to think of it, having a conversation like this with your sister was everything but normal... But Lily had gotten used to it. She and Petunia belonged in different worlds and Petunia despised her for it.

"I don't hate you"

Lily looked up, barely noticing that her mouth was left half open as she was so astounded by her sister's words. What had she just said? Now, it was Petunia's turn to swallow and she looked away for a second before meeting Lily's gaze again. And for once, there was no hatred in her eyes.

Just sadness. And it hurt even worse.

"I hate how you're always the lucky one, the loved one, the..."

She drifted off and Lily filled in:

"Tuney, mum and dad love you so much, you know that..."

"But you're the one they're proud of!" Petunia exclaimed and Lily could have sworn she saw tears erupting in her sister's dark eyes. "You always do everything right, you just..."

She stopped speaking again, Lily could feel her heart beating faster than normal. She was almost afraid of what might come next, even though Petunia didn't sound the slightest angry.

"You don't know how lucky you are"

And then she turned around again and left Lily alone, staring after her and feeling like the loneliest person in the world.

Once she got back inside she could tell from the look on her parents' faces that they'd watched the whole thing from the kitchen window and her mother gave her another hug.

"You tried, sweetheart" she said softly. "That makes us really happy"

Lily could only bring herself to nod and sat down by the kitchen table again to finish her breakfast. She pretended to read the Daily Prophet just so she wouldn't have to say anything, but her mother didn't seem to take the hint since she asked:

"So... Any idea who the head boy might be?"

Lily shrugged. One might think that that would be the first thought to pop into her mind but with Petunia's outburst she'd completely forgotten about the fact that she was now head girl. Of course she was interested in finding out who the head boy was, though. After all, they'd share a living space during this school year.

"It could be Remus Lupin" she said and her dad asked:

"Isn't he one of those mean boys that you don't like?"

Lily shook her head slowly.

"Remus is not that bad..." she said, taking a sip from her hot chocolate that had gone almost cold by now. "Potter is the real deal, and there's no risk Dumbledore has chosen him"

That was actually true. There was no one Lily couldn't imagine sharing living quarters with- apart from Potter. That would be like hell on earth, too bad to even imagine. He'd try to ask her out every morning she went down for breakfast...

No she thought happily, finishing her breakfast. I have nothing to worry about. It'll probably be Remus, or one of the Ravenclaw prefects.

Not Potter. Definitely not Potter.

James

"Where are you going?"

James couldn't help thinking that his aunt's question was quite stupid, since he was sure she already knew the answer to it. After all, this had been one of his daily rituals for weeks now and he was dressed in shorts, t-shirt and sneakers.

"Out"

Before she had time to reply he exited the house and slammed the front door shut, trying his best to ignore the feeling of guilt. He knew his aunt had good intentions, and that she was doing her best to help him, but there were times when he simply couldn't stand even her company.

Like now.

After plugging the headphones into his ears he started running the same way he always did, knowing that the chance of meeting someone was very small. He started off in a slow tempo but after only a couple of minutes he sped up, truly enjoying the ache in his muscles and the feeling of exhaustion.

In the beginning he hadn't been very good at ignoring it and he hadn't managed to go very far before he had to stop to catch his breath. But now, that feeling was the reason why he was out there. He needed this pain, and it was the only thing that could take his mind off everything else.

And no matter how much it hurt, how tired he was and how fast his heart pounded, it was better than the alternative. Better than the pain that came with remembering.

Usually, James also tried to keep his focus on the music but today it seemed impossible. He felt angry, or rather furious, when thinking about the Hogwarts letter that had arrived the same morning. Who did Mc Gonagall and Dumbledore think they were, giving him a position like that? What had he ever done to deserve it?

Nothing. He'd never showed much responsibility or acted like a role model to the younger students. In fact, he'd been behaving like an ass most of the time.

So why? What was the bloody point of it?

He didn't want to see people raise their eyebrows and hear them say "Potter? Why did they make Potter head boy?"

Why indeed.

Eventually, James had to stop running and when standing there with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, he silently made himself a promise.

He'd try. His parents would have wanted him to and letting them down would make him drown in guilt. And if it didn't work out, if he lost it completely, he'd walk straight to Dumbledore's office and make him give the badge to Remus instead. To someone who actually deserved it.

And you'll feel like an even bigger loser than before.

James tried to ignore the voice in his head, turned around and started running back home again. He'd only be in trouble if he let his aunt worry.

Lily

Dear Alice

I hope you had a good time with your family in Spain and that you remembered to use sun lotion! If you have time I'd love to see some photos, since I've always wanted to go there! I really miss you and I haven't been up to much since you left.

The weather is beautiful and I've spent a lot of time outside, but Petunia still seems to hate me just as much as she always has. Something strange happened today, though. We actually talked and exchanged more than a couple of mean remarks. I don't think that's happened in years... I got the feeling she's jealous of me and she seems to think that mum and dad love me more than they love her, which is total rubbish. I hope she realizes that soon enough and that she'll let me meet her new boyfriend Vernon. According to mum and dad he's not the nicest of men...

But on to some happier news! I got my Hogwarts letter today and guess what? I'M HEAD GIRL! I guess you if someone knows how much I've always wanted this and I couldn't be more happy. Who do you think is head boy? I reckon it could be Remus or one of the Ravenclaw prefects...

I'd love to go shopping for the new school year together, do you think we could meet up in Diagon Alley on Friday? I think it'd be best not to bring my parents this year, all posters of wanted dark witches and wizards would only frighten them... Can you believe they asked me this morning if I really have to go back? My dad accidentally read the article about the murder of the Potters in the Daily Prophet...

Please answer as fast as you can and let me know about Friday. See you soon!

Love
Lily

Once Lily had finished her letter, which got a bit longer than she'd first intended it to be, she gave it to her owl Barty and let him out her bedroom window. She really hoped that Alice would be able to go to Diagon Alley on Friday, since she felt like she needed to get away from home for a short while and just talk to her best friend.

She and Alice had been close ever since their very first day at Hogwarts when they were both placed in Gryffindor. They spent almost all time together at school and visited each other during the holidays. In fact, Alice had stayed with Lily's family for almost two weeks before she went to Spain. Petunia hadn't been very pleasant and even though Lily had warned her friend she felt embarrassed about her sister's behavior.

She absentmindedly watched Barty disappear out of sight and then, her gaze once again landed on the old copy of the Daily Prophet, lying on her writing desk. She knew that James was an only child. He didn't have any siblings to share his grief with. Also, Lily had always been under the impression that he was quite spoiled. Being an orphan must be a huge change for him.

James Potter was an orphan.

It was an odd thought. Lily couldn't imagine someone like him, someone so confident and unbothered, have to go through something like that. But then again, he was James Bloody Potter. He'd probably just laugh it off, pretend like nothing had happened...

Lily sighed heavily, thinking that her very annoying classmate had taken up enough of her thoughts this day. And whether Petunia hated her or not, Lily was lucky to have her. And with that in mind, she headed back downstairs to have lunch with her family.

James

After having taken a shower James returned to his bedroom, only to find the pile of letters lying on his writing desk. He rolled his eyes, thinking about how his aunt would never let him throw them away.

The one lying on the top was from Remus and judging from the date on the back he'd written it only two days earlier. James picked it up, recognizing his friend's neat handwriting on the envelope. He'd avoided answering letters all summer, but he had to face all of his friends in only a couple of weeks. And when that day came, he had to be prepared to be at least a little social...

He might as well start practicing now.

While getting dressed James tore the envelope open and quickly scanned through the text that one of his best friends had written:

James

You should know that I'm not blaming you for not answering any of my letters, and neither does Sirius and Peter. We really miss you, though. Sirius came to my place a couple of weeks ago and he'll stay here until September the first when it's time to return to school. Will we see you there? Please let us know.

James stopped reading. Usually, Sirius came to stay with him during the summer holidays. His family was practically mental and James' parents had never minded taking Sirius in, treating him almost like a second son...

Now, it would never be like that again. To get his mind off the matter James continued reading:

Peter is still in Wales visiting his cousin, but Sirius and I were thinking of heading to Diagon Alley on Friday to buy our new school supplies. We would really like you to come with us, but of course we understand if you don't feel like it.

It would make us really happy if you at least sent a reply to let us know that you're alive. Hope your aunt treats you well.

See you
Remus

James slowly put the letter down, thinking about everything that Remus had said. Of course he, too, needed to buy new school supplies but he'd never really thought of how and when. Truth to be told, he didn't feel like being around so many people at once and walk into shop after shop, thinking that it was all pointless...

And above all, he didn't want to see people from Hogwarts who'd look at him with pity and whisper whenever he passed them by. He'd get enough of that once he got back to school, anyway.

No, James thought, shaking his head slightly even though there was no one there to see. I'm not doing it.

He hoped that his aunt would do his shopping for him and that he'd at least come up with some good reason to why he hadn't managed to reply to a single one of his friends' letters. He knew he owed Sirius, if anyone, an explanation.

An explanation to why he'd changed. Why things would never be the same. And that he was still trying to adjust, feeling like he failed again and again.

Author's note: I know that James might seem very, very depressed right now but I promise that that will change, eventually...

Please REVIEW if you want me to continue! :)