A Long Way Back

"With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow"

Bob Dylan- Mr Tambourine Man

"So? Who was he?"

Lily's friends Alice, Amelia and Rebecca all looked at her intently once she entered their compartment but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to answer their question. Instead she just sat down, staring at nothing in particular in complete silence.

"Well?" Alice urged.

After what seemed like a really long time Lily finally looked up at her friend and opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Alice laughed.

"Oh come on, don't be so dramatic! You said it yourself, you can handle anything apart from..."

She drifted off and then, eyes widening, realization dawned upon her face. Lily was just grateful that she didn't have to speak the words out loud.

"Oh my god" Alice whispered and Amelia, who seemed to understand what her friend meant, gasped.

"No..." she said slowly, shaking her head in disbelief. "It can't be... Oh Lily, I'm so sorry!"

"Am I missing something here?" Rebecca asked, looking between her three friends.

Lily thought that if she was going to share a living quarter with Potter, there was no way in hell she'd get away without being able to even say it out loud. Therefore, she looked straight at Rebecca and uttered the words:

"Potter is Head Boy"

The compartment fell completely silent. Then, Rebecca snorted loudly.

"I'm sorry but have Dumbledore and Mc Gonagall met him? He's definitely the least responsible bloke in our year!"

"Maybe they just felt sorry for him" Amelia suggested. "You know, after everything with his parents..."

"You don't become Head Boy just because someone feels sorry for you" Lily interrupted her. "At least that's what I hope for"

The last part came out almost as a whisper and she had to admit that she was not too sure that Amelia was wrong. What other reason for choosing Potter could Dumbledore and Mc Gonagall possibly have? As far as Lily was concerned he was the Transfiguration teacher's least favorite student and she'd spent practically every day for the past six years yelling at him and his friends.

It just didn't make sense.

Lily was so lost in her own thoughts she barely realized that all of her friends eyed her worriedly, perhaps waiting for her to have some sort of mental break-down. Her voice was low when she told them:

"He seemed different though. He didn't say a word during the entire prefect meeting apart from his name and you should have seen his face expression... He looked almost ill"

"Wow..." Rebecca said, once Lily had finished. "An ill looking James Potter is quite hard to imagine. He always seems to be on top, doesn't he? Making jokes and pulling pranks as soon as he has the chance..."

"Not today, he didn't" Lily told her lamely. "But perhaps it's just an act. Perhaps once we get back to Hogwarts he'll..."

"Go back to being the old carefree James?" Amelia filled in. "Yeah, probably"

But to Lily's great surprise, Alice snorted in disbelief and shook her head at her friends. Her voice was full of disapproval when she said:

"Could you two, for just a moment, please use the brains that I know you have?"

When they all just stared at her she added:

"Potter might have been the master of bullying but he was never pure evil! And even though he might not be very good at showing it I can bet you anything that he actually cares. Would you laugh and pull pranks the first thing you did if you'd watched your parents get killed, what, two months ago? I think it's impressing he's even here!"

Alice was Lily's very best friend and this was one of the many reasons why she loved her so much. Alice had always been kind, loving and caring and she was not afraid to give people second chances. And now, when saying these things about James, Lily felt ashamed and stupid.

"I'm sorry Lily" Alice suddenly said, putting her hand on her friend's arm. "I know that you and Potter haven't always gotten along but I just..."

"No, you're right" Lily interrupted her and as she looked up she could see that Amelia and Rebecca also seemed to regret what they'd just said.

There was another silence, and Lily turned her head to look out the train window. The landscape had long ago changed and she could tell from the way it was about to get dark that they would be at Hogwarts soon. She swallowed, and didn't take her eyes from the darkness out there when telling her friends:

"I've wanted this badge ever since I was eleven years old. But I just... It never crossed my mind that they would choose him!"

And for the first time since she'd seen Potter in the front carriage she felt angry. Not surprised by this "new" him, sad because of what he'd had to go through or ashamed because of what she and her friends had said about him.

Just angry. And almost furious.

Why?

Why did Potter, with all the confusion he obviously brought with him, have to be a part of this dream of hers? Why couldn't she, during her very last year at Hogwarts, be free of him? Dead parents or not, he must have done something to convince Dumbledore that he was the right man for the job.

This was all his fault.

And then she felt ashamed again, Alice's words echoing inside her head.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Rebecca asked:

"So... Is it true what they wrote in the Daily Prophet? He was really there?"

Alice nodded slightly.

"I think so" she mumbled. "At least that's what Black told Frank"

"Then how did he survive?" Amelia asked curiously. "The Prophet never said what actually happened..."

Lily had asked herself this question hundreds of times during the summer, without knowing why. She had tried to convince herself that it had nothing to with Potter, but that she was just worried about the fact that dark wizards seemed to gain more power all over the country.

"That, I don't know" Alice replied. "And I don't blame Potter if he's not ready to talk about it yet"

For a moment, Lily couldn't help feeling like the atmosphere in the room had changed from happy to depressed. Then, Amelia pointed out:

"I think we'll be at Hogwarts soon. We should get changed"

And after having made sure that the door leading into their compartment was closed, and that no one could peek inside, they did.

James

James grabbed the sink so hard his knuckles turned white, but the pain in his hands was a good thing since it was at least something to focus on. Something to take his mind off everything else. As he took a quick glance at his face in the small mirror hanging on the wall in the train bathroom, he felt almost intimidated.

Had he looked this bad all summer, or had it just gotten worse?

He looked ill. No wonder Evans had stared at him as if she'd never seen him before... James turned on the tap and splashed his face with ice cold water, silently hoping that it'd be some sort of distraction from the thoughts running through his head and the way his heart pounded like he'd just ran a marathon race.

He had honestly believed that he'd be able to handle it. In fact, he hadn't even allowed himself to think otherwise. It was the only thing that stopped him from losing it and breaking down completely.

And telling Evans that she could take care of the whole prefect meeting if she wanted to had turned out to be a good thing. That way, he could focus on trying his best not to look bothered by all prefects' surprised and sometimes annoyed face expressions when they realized that he was Head Boy.

Pull yourself together, he'd told himself firmly, again and again. Let Evans do all the talking and you'll be fine.

And it had worked. Nobody seemed to notice how he really felt. That he just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

But then, there were the looks coming from people like Joanna Smith. The looks of pity. It was too much. How could he ever move on if people kept reminding him only by looking his way?

Maybe his aunt had been right all along. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. And when Evans had called after him...

"I'm sorry. About your parents"

It had been almost two months. Why did it feel like he was getting weaker every day? If even Evans, who hated him, felt sorry for him then something was wrong. What was it that stopped him from feeling okay?

And had she really called him by his first name?

James took a deep breath, counted to ten and then opened the door and headed back towards the compartment where his friends sat. Meanwhile, he kept cursing Dumbledore for making him Head Boy. Obviously, he was only making a complete fool of himself.

But they would have wanted this. They'd be so proud.

Once he slid the door leading into the compartment open it fell deadly silent, and James got the feeling his friends had been talking about him. Pretending like he hadn't noticed he went to sit down next to Sirius who gave him a small smile.

"How did the prefect meeting go? Any luck with getting Evans to fall head over heels for you?"

James didn't know where to start, what to say or how to finish. So he just stood up again and grabbed his trunk from the shelf over Peter's and Remus' heads.

"We should get changed" he said shortly. "We'll be there soon"

James

It felt strange, leaving the train at Hogsmeade Station. Last time James had been here, everything had been different. If only he'd known back then how much his life would change over the summer...

And yet things were just the same.

Hagrid was still greeting them at the platform, roaring "FIRST YEARS THIS WAY! OVER HERE, FIRST YEARS!". And as usual, the new students looked frightened when approaching him. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter who'd ride up to the school in carriages left the platform with their trunks and cages.

"I'm starving" Sirius said and James could hear his stomach growling. "I hope Dumbledore will let us eat before he holds his speech..."

"What's that?"

Sirius fell silent at James' words and he, Remus and Peter all turned to look the way their friend pointed. Standing in front of the carriages, probably to pull them, were several black, ghost-looking horses. They looked almost... dead and yet James couldn't bring himself to feel afraid. They gave a somewhat sad, but not frightening, impression.

When his friends all furrowed he added, without taking his gaze off the horses:

"What's pulling the carriages?"

Remus gave him a strange look.

"They're pulling themselves, as always"

"No they're not" James replied in disbelief, raising his eyebrows at his friends, who all exchanged a quick look.

"Yes James, they are" Sirius said, nodding towards the horses that he obviously couldn't see. "There's nothing there"

James stared at his best friend and opened and closed his mouth several times to say something, but no words came out. Did he really need his friends to worry about him any more than they obviously already did?

He stayed silent, and Remus gently grabbed his arm.

"Come on, or all carriages will be taken"

As soon as the four marauders had sat down in one of the carriages, and it began moving up towards the school, the rain started pouring down. James absentmindedly stared out the window, without really seeing anything.

It was ironic how this was the beginning, and yet it felt just like the end.

Lily

It was probably nothing more than bad luck and really bad timing, but somehow Lily ended up opposite James as they sat down by the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. He seemed to avoid her gaze, and everyone else's for that matter, and barely answered to whatever question Sirius was asking him.

It felt a bit strange, knowing that she was now watching the sorting ceremony for the very last time. Apparently, her friends felt the same way and Amelia whispered:

"Look at them! I can't believe we were ever that small"

She eyed the newest gryffindors as they came to join them and Lily wished they only knew how much they had to look forward to, but also how things would sometimes be really tough to get through.

Making sure that none of her friends were looking, Lily cast a quick glance towards the Slytherin table. The bare sight of Snape hurt and so she looked away, wondering if he ever missed her the way she missed him. Did he ever think about her? To be honest, he looked quite unbothered and almost bored as he obviously waited for Dumbledore to begin his speech.

As the headmaster stood up Lily's thoughts wandered off to that day back in their fifth year when everything had changed. She had finished her O.W.L.s and she'd felt both happy and free- until Potter and his friends had decided to ruin it.

Looking at James now, one could scarcely imagine that it was the same person. Was he really the one who'd bullied Snape for no reason at all and threatened to pull his pants down in front of all students? Was he really the one who always laughed the loudest and never stopped asking her out?

Something about James Potter's behavior and way of looking at life had obviously changed. He had changed. At least for now.

Lily's thoughts were interrupted as the hall fell completely silent and Dumbledore began his speech:

"There are some things I would like to share with you, but let's get to that once we've all enjoyed the lovely feast!"

He beamed at them before sitting down again and seconds later the tables were filled with all sorts of dishes one could possibly imagine. Lily, who knew by now that the food at Hogwarts was always the best, helped herself to some mashed potatoes and chicken.

"Finally!" she heard Sirius say as he loaded food onto his plate. "I'm starving!"

Alice, the only one of Lily's friends who was on "friendly terms" with the marauders, rolled her eyes.

"Boys..." she muttered. "Why do they have to be so disgusting when they eat?"

Even Frank looked like he hadn't seen food in days and Lily couldn't stop herself from giggling.

"Well, at least I think this is nothing compared to Petunia's boyfriend Vernon. Mum told me that when he was at our place having dinner, he ate more than the rest of the family together"

It was at that moment she accidentally got eye contact with James, since she knew that the old him would have enjoyed that story. He still wasn't wearing his Head Boy badge. After a split second he looked away, and so Lily was left staring at his plate instead. He barely seemed to have touched his food and was playing around in it with his fork. Judging from Remus' face expression, she was not the only one noticing.

"Aren't you hungry James?" he asked, furrowing at his friend.

"Not really" James replied quietly, but loud enough for Lily to hear.

This was also something she was not used to. Just like the other marauders, and most boys for that matter, James always seemed to have liked food. He probably needed to eat a lot since he practiced so much quidditch, but now he almost looked as if the bare sight of the food was disgusting him.

Almost an hour later, once they'd finished dessert, Dumbledore stood up again. The Great Hall fell silent.

"Welcome to yet another year at Hogwarts! I hope that you all enjoyed the feast and that you have now had some time to make new friends and catch up with your old ones. As usual, our caretaker Mr Filch has asked me to inform you that all sorts of magic performances are strictly forbidden in the corridors. First years should know that the Forbidden forest is, as the name suggests, strictly off limits to all students"

At this, the headmaster took a moment to let his gaze rest at the marauders. Lily knew that James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had all spent time in the forest even when they were not supposed to, and she could see from the corner of her eye how Sirius grinned at James. The latter seemed to try his best to give his friend a small smile.

Dumbledore continued:

"Students who wish to join their house's quidditch team will be informed by the quidditch captain when tryouts take place. Please keep an eye on the noteboard in your common room. It is also, with great pleasure, that I'd like to introduce this year's Head Girl and Head Boy..."

Oh no.

Lily had completely forgotten that this little "introduction" happened every year. She could feel her face going bright red and tried her best to hide behind Alice. Even though she was really happy and proud to be the new Head Girl, she hated too much attention.

"Ms Lily Evans and Mr James Potter from Gryffindor house"

Most students, apart from some of the slytherins, clapped their hands and the gryffindors all looked very pleased.

"That wasn't necessary..." Lily muttered under her breath but Rebecca exclaimed:

"What are you talking about? We're really proud of you and people should know that!"

Once the applause died down Dumbledore went on with his speech and Lily could tell from the look on his face that they were moving on to more serious things.

"As you all know... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has grown stronger and gained more followers during the last couple of months"

The hall fell deadly silent.

Lily didn't look away from Dumbledore, but she could see from the corner of her eye how James stared down at his plate as if his life depended on it. Anyone could tell that this was not something he wanted to hear.

"And as much as I hate saying it, I must ask each and everyone of you to stay extra alert and focused this year. Look after yourselves but most of all, look after each other. Do not let old house rivalries or quarrels get in the way and know that the easy and the right decision is not always the same thing"

Dumbledore's clear blue eyes surveyed them all.

"Alone we are weak, but together we are incredibly strong. Don't you ever forget that. Now off to bed, all of you"

"That was cheerful..." Alice said, her voice dripping with sarcasm as they stood up to leave the Great Hall.

However, Lily was once again lost in her own thoughts. The headmaster's words echoed inside her head:

Do not let old house rivalries or quarrels get in the way.

Was that the reason he'd made Potter Head Boy? So the two of them would put their past behind them and become friends? Lily stopped herself from snorting out loud. If Dumbledore was honestly even considering that, he'd probably hit his head once or twice during the summer...

But why would he, a powerful man like Dumbledore, waste so much energy on trying to make Lily and James befriend each other? What would he get out of it?

No, Lily told herself. There has to be another reason why he chose Potter and not Remus.

"Oh ms Evans, there you are!"

Lily jumped at the sound of professor Mc Gonagall's voice and froze as she looked up and realized that most students had left the Great Hall. In fact, apart from Mc Gonagall and Potter she was the only one left.

Potter. Oh no.

She felt like someone kicked her in the stomach, hard. From this day on, she'd actually share a living quarter with him. They'd have their own common room. Separate dorms, but still...

Oh how she wanted to kill Alice for leaving without reminding her...

"I'm here to show you and mr Potter your new living quarter" Mc Gonagall said and before Lily knew it they were leaving the Great Hall and heading up the stairs towards what would be her, and James', home this year.

A changed Potter or not, this better be a nightmare...

Author's note: Thank you so much to those of you who have reviewed, started following or favorited this story! Knowing that you like it really keeps me going! As you might have already guessed, this is not one of those stories where Lily and James will fall for each other immediately. At this point, Lily still thinks really bad of him and it will take some time to change that.

Please leave a review if you liked it! :)