Privileges

"And just like the rain
I'll be always fallin'
Only to rise and fall again"

Cary Brothers - If You Were Here

No matter how hard he tried, James couldn't decide what would have been worse. Accompany his friends to the Gryffindor tower and thereby have to endure their worried looks all night, or walking in complete and uncomfortable silence with no other than professor Mc Gonagall and Lily Evans.

Lost in his own thoughts, he hadn't paid much attention to where they're were going, but he could always use the Marauder's Map for that. When casting a quick glance at Lily, James could see that she was staring right ahead, having not said a word during this entire time. When thinking about that he couldn't help feeling somewhat annoyed.

At least she wanted this.

Having been obsessed with her throughout the years, James was perfectly aware of the fact that Lily had dreamed about becoming Head Girl ever since their first year. She probably already knew everything about their tasks and it wouldn't surprise him if he knew the location of their common room by heart.

Despite having had the Marauder's Map for the past couple of years, James didn't. The mere words "Head Boy" had never been of any interest to him. And yet here he was...

His thoughts were interrupted as Mc Gonagall stopped. He and Lily almost walked right into her and as she stepped aside James could see a portrait hanging on an otherwise empty wall. As he got even closer he could make out a man sitting inside the portrait, wearing armor and looking somehow familiar...

Lily suddenly gasped.

"Professor... Is that... Is that Godric Gryffindor?"

It was not until then that James remembered where he'd seen the man before; in his schoolbook Hogwarts: A History. And he was pretty sure Lily was right, seeing as the man also had a sword with the words GODRIC GRYFFINDOR carved into them. He was asleep, but his half long brown hair and the lines on his face somehow indicated that he'd once been very... powerful.

"In fact ms Evans, it is" professor Mc Gonagall replied, clearing her throat loudly to wake him up.

"I didn't know there was a portrait of him here at the school..." Lily mumbled absentmindedly, not taking her eyes off the portrait.

James didn't know who she was addressing but figured that she probably wouldn't want him to say anything, anyway. He'd lost count of how many times Mc Gonagall had cleared her throat, now looking somewhat impatient, when Godric Gryffindor finally started stirring in his portrait.

"Minerva..." he said sleepily, trying to sit up his straight in his chair. "What brings you here in the middle of the night?"

"Godric" Mc Gonagall greeted him back and James could hear that, despite everything, there was pride in her voice.

Being the head of Gryffindor house she probably considered it an honor to even get to talk to the founder of the house himself.

"And in case you want to know, it's not even eleven o' clock yet"

This caused Gryffindor's eyes to widen and he grabbed his sword and looked around confusedly.

"Really? How is that possible? I was only supposed to take a short nap and then..."

"Anyway" Mc Gonagall interrupted him, acknowledging James and Lily for the first time since Gryffindor had woken up. "I'm here to show this year's Head Girl and Head Boy their new living quarter"

At this, Gryffindor's eyes widened even more and he turned to look at James and Lily. James found himself staring down at the floor and from the corner of his eye he could see that Lily was doing the same thing. For some inexplicable reason he just knew that this man had to be treated with respect.

"Ah... Two gryffindors this year, that has not happened in a long time" Gryffindor pointed out and Mc Gonagall looked somewhat pleased as she replied:

"Not since 1923, actually. Which is why I thought it'd be a great idea to let you guard the entrance to their common room"

"With pleasure! Now let me take a closer look at the two of you"

As James and Lily both lifted their heads and looked into his big and warm looking brown eyes Gryffindor chuckled silently.

"Well well... Haven't you outdone yourself this year, Minerva? I have been around during the past couple of years and I have witnessed everything. Potter and Evans living under the same roof, this could indeed be interesting..."

"Oh, look at the time!" Mc Gonagall suddenly interrupted him sharply, without looking at her wrist watch once. "I am sure Potter and Evans are both tired and would very much like to go to sleep. Lion's Den!"

After this, Gryffindor didn't speak another word and the portrait swung open.

"After you" Mc Gonagall said and indicated with her hand for James and Lily to climb inside.

Lily

It was beautiful.

There was no better way to describe it, and Lily was left staring at it all in awe for what was probably minutes. Seeing as she and James were both Gryffindor students the common room was decorated almost entirely in red and yellow. There were two extremely comfortable looking couches, two armchairs and a crackling fire just like the one in the Gryffindor common room.

Except this room was a lot bigger.

On one side there were three enormous bookshelves filled with so many books Lily knew she'd never have time to read them all. There were two writing desks standing opposite each other, probably so she and James could do their homework, and on the floor was the softest looking carpet Lily had ever seen.

"This is perfect..." she breathed, silently wondering what the bathroom and her bedroom would look like if the standard was this high...

Mc Gonagall looked pleased at her remark.

"I couldn't agree more, ms Evans" she said. "Now, Potter your room is up those stairs to the left..."

She pointed towards a short staircase at the other end of the common room. It led to a door with a sign saying "JAMES POTTER" on it.

"And yours is up those stairs to the right, Evans"

Lily's own bedroom door looked just the same, apart from the fact that the sign said "LILY EVANS" instead. She also noticed that there was a door in between her and James' bedrooms and Mc Gonagall soon informed them that this was the shared bathroom.

Of course, it would have been even better if Lily hadn't had to share her bathroom with Potter of all people, but it could be worse. At least she had her very own bedroom.

"So the password's 'Lion's Den'?" James suddenly asked and Lily was surprised to hear him speak without being spoken to.

The old James Potter was an expert at that, but she was pretty sure she could count the things he'd said today on one hand.

"That's right Potter" Mc Gonagall said, nodding slightly. "The password will be changed every other month and someone will let you know before that happens. I think you are already aware of the fact that this common room is for the two of you only. If you want to see your other friends you can always go back to the Gryffindor common room"

Lily thought it was funny how the Transfiguration teacher used the words "other friends", as if she and James were actually friends with each other. She, if anyone, knew perfectly well how many fights they'd gotten into over the years.

"Where is your badge, Potter?"

Lily looked up, not very surprised to find that James' Head Boy badge was still nowhere to be seen. However, at Mc Gonagall's words, he pulled it out of his pocket and showed it to her.

"It's right here"

"Then why aren't you wearing it?"

Mc Gonagall's voice was full of disapproval.

"I forgot" James said quietly and Lily knew the second he'd spoken the words that it was a lie.

For even though she wanted to feel angry with him for becoming Head Boy, she knew that he'd never wanted this. This had been her dream, not his. And if James had a choice, he'd probably throw that badge into the lake the first chance he got.

"Very well..." Mc Gonagall said, interrupting Lily's thoughts. "It's been a long day and I assume you're both tired. I think that is all you need to know right now and I will give you more information later on"

"Right" Lily said, nodding. "Thank you professor"

Mc Gonagall nodded back and then, without a word, she turned around and left. The sound echoed as the Gryffindor's portrait closed behind her and Lily swallowed, wondering exactly how uncomfortable this would be...

She turned to look at James, only to ask him if he wanted to use the bathroom first, but was surprised to find that he was not still standing beside her. Lily looked around the big common room and soon found him standing by one of the windows, looking outside with his back facing her.

"We're on the ninth floor so I wouldn't try to jump if I were you"

She didn't know why she said it, or why she even spoke to him at all. The words just came out. Wow, she'd actually tried to joke with James Potter? Where was the world heading at? Perhaps she was just nervous and she had to say something considering the fact that she couldn't stand the complete silence...

"Why would I jump?"

James had turned around to face her again and there was no sign of laughter, or even a smile, on his pale face. Now, Lily felt plain stupid and she looked down at the floor as she started muttering, more to herself than to him:

"Nothing it's just... In muggle movies when people stand by a window like that they sometimes plan on..."

She drifted off. Now that she was trying to tell him the actual point of her joke, it didn't even seem funny anymore. She had to remind herself that he didn't know her the way Alice and her other friends did. He had no idea her humour could sometimes be quite... dark, and he was far from the only one.

Nevertheless, joking about death, suicide or not, was not something you did in front of James Potter these days. Why didn't she think of that?

"Never mind" she finished lamely and James was left staring at her for a moment before he slowly started walking around the common room, obviously taking it all in.

"It's really nice in here"

There, she did it again. Why? Why wouldn't she just shut up and enjoy the silence?

Because she was not used to this.

Because a completely silent not-annoying and actually civil James Potter made her feel nervous. Was this how it was going to be all year? Her blabbering on like a complete idiot and him barely saying a word, obviously not very keen on talking to her at all?

He looked at her again and it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. Perhaps because she'd never really tried before. She'd always taken for granted that there was nothing more to him than what met the eye.

"Yeah"

There was another silence. Lily couldn't bring herself to move, but simply watched as James took another quick look around the room. He didn't look very excited by any of it. Then, he turned away from her again and started walking towards the stairs leading up to his bedroom.

"That's it?"

Lily was surprised to find that her voice sounded somewhat... weaker than usual. Since when had she been uncomfortable talking to Potter? Angry, sure. But never uncomfortable. She'd always known what to say and what to do. She had never been afraid of him and how he'd react, since he'd been so easy to read. Like a bloody book.

But not anymore.

And just like on the train only hours earlier he stopped, but he didn't turn around to face her. He waited. And Lily, who found it confusing, annoying and above all unusual that she didn't have everything under complete control asked:

"You're not going to ask me how my summer's been? What I've been up to? If I'll go out with you?"

She'd always hated all those questions. But at least they meant normality. Safety.

Now, James slowly turned his head so she could make out at least parts of his face. His voice was low and seemed to be full of disbelief and emptiness at the same time, if that was even possible:

"Surely you don't want me to do that, Evans?"

Lily was glad that the common room was dim lighted, for she could feel the colour rising on her cheeks at his words. Was he suggesting that she actually wanted him to ask her questions? No way in hell. She snorted and was just about to tell him so, when he left without waiting for her reply.

OF COURSE I DON'T WANT THAT. BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ACTING ALL WEIRD AND DIFFERENT, EITHER!

She wanted to scream after him, but what was the point? Lily got the feeling he wouldn't care about any of it, anyway. The sound coming from when he closed his bedroom door behind him made her feel very... alone.

And stupid.

Over the years, as she'd laid awake in bed and wondered what being Head Girl would be like, this was not at all what she'd expected.

James

James truthfully enjoyed the silence as he'd closed the door behind him and drowned out Evans and all thoughts she brought with her. For the first time ever, her mere voice was setting his teeth on edge.

"That's it?"

Yes Lily, that's it. No questions. No talking. No pathetic tries at flirting. He was done with all that. Because none of it even mattered anymore. So why did she bother? Why did people even bother trying to bring the old James back? He was gone and would never return.

James pulled out his wand and pointed it at the door.

"Muffliato" he muttered under his breath, hoping that the charm would give him some sense of privacy.

Then, after having thrown his wand at the bed, he walked over to his trunk. He kicked it hard, thinking about Evans. He kicked it again, this time with an image of Dumbledore on his mind. It was that old fool's fault he was here in the first place. Another kick. Same went for Mc Gonagall. His aunt and her worries. Sirius, Remus and Peter. All people feeling sorry for him. Kick after kick after kick. Harder and harder and harder.

He hated it all. So much.

Just like he'd feared, James didn't feel much better once he was done. But at least the pain in his foot, just like running, took his mind off it all. He sat on the floor, leaning against the bed standing behind him, and took in the entire bedroom for the first time.

In here, the walls were all white and the two windows were big enough to climb out through, should one feel like it. That made James think about Lily's "joke" down in the common room earlier. She'd seemed uncomfortable, embarrassed even, and muttered something about muggle "moovis", whatever that was...

James continued the examination of his new bedroom. The bedspread was yellow and red and same went for the soft carpet covering most of the floor. Evans had been right down in the common room earlier; it was all perfect.

It was only too bad the circumstances sucked.

Lily

Lily was lying in bed, sighing happily to herself. She'd taken almost half an hour examining her new bedroom and it was safe to say that she was very pleased; it was almost even better than the common room. Because this was her own place that no one but she had access to.

Least of all Potter.

Don't think about that! Lily scolded herself. Don't let him ruin this perfect night.

Because it was, actually, quite perfect. This was her last year at Hogwarts and she'd made it. She was Head Girl. Her dream had come true. Thinking that she was too excited by it all to actually go to sleep yet she grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from her trunk and started writing a letter to her parents:

Dear mum and dad,

I miss you already but I'm really happy to be back at Hogwarts and it's great to see all my friends and professors again. Being Head Girl is way better than I could ever imagine, you should see our common room! Also, I have a bedroom all to myself now, which is great.

There's only one problem though... James Potter is Head Boy! I just couldn't believe it at first and I still have no idea why Dumbledore and professor Mc Gonagall (my head of house) chose him! Hopefully they'll realize their mistake soon enough, even though I must admit that Potter seems... different this year. In fact, he's very quiet and gloomy but I guess that has to do with the fact that his parents died only months ago...

Anyway, it's almost midnight now and I have to go to sleep. Classes start tomorrow and I'm really excited! I'll write soon again and tell you more, hope you're doing all right at home.

Love,
Lily

Lily put the quill down and after having given the letter to her owl Barty and let him out the window, she turned off the lights and climbed back into bed. She enjoyed the complete silence that was usually interrupted by her dormmates' talks and giggles, and soon drifted off to sleep.

After all, being Head Girl was great.

James

He suddenly noticed something in her eyes that he'd never seen there before. Desperation. And pure fear. It caught him so off guard he immediately stopped speaking.

"James" she repeated, turning her head towards the closed door every other second.

"Listen to me" she said and grabbed his shoulder fiercely, it almost hurt. "You have to get out of here"

He still didn't understand. Why would he have to get out of his own house?

"No, I'm not going anywhere. If something happens I want to be here. I want to help you..."

"NO!"

She shook his shoulders, as if to make him understand. She had tears in her eyes and swallowed several times before saying, her voice thick:

"We won't let anything happen to you"

"What do you mean..."

"JUST LISTEN TO ME JAMES! GET OUT OF HERE NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Apparate to your aunt's house, she'll take care of you..."

James awoke with a start, breathing so heavily he felt like almost no air actually entered his lungs. Of course. Why had he been naive enough to think that it'd all stop just because he came back to Hogwarts?

At least tonight he'd woken up before they actually...

Stop it.

James noticed that his hands were trembling badly and tried to make it stop by covering his face in his hands. He could feel that his forehead was all sweaty, almost as if he'd just been out running.

All he saw was green light.

"Please..." he whispered, without addressing anyone in particular.

His voice was hoarse. Full of desperation.

"Just make it stop"

That was all he asked for, really. Someone, or something, that could take all the pain away. Make him forget. But it was impossible.

Author's note: It took me a while to get this chapter ready but here it is. Thanks for reading and please leave a review if you liked it, it'd really mean a lot to me!