The Prefect Meeting
"We're not the same, dear, as we used to be
The seasons have changed and so have we"
Death Cab for Cutie - The Ice Is Getting Thinner
James woke up on Wednesday morning, thinking that it'd definitely be the worst day of his second week back at Hogwarts. First of all, he and his classmates had to endure Potions with the slytherins the entire afternoon. Also, knowing that Lily wouldn't stop bothering him unless he said yes, James had told her that they could have the first prefect meeting tonight.
As he got dressed and packed the books he needed into his bag he cast an angry glare at the Head Boy badge lying on his bedside table. As far as James could tell, Lily would wear with pride as often as she could whilst he, who'd hated the thing from the very start, almost never put it on.
Well, I'm not wearing it today, he told himself as he was exiting his bedroom. Tonight is more than enough.
The common room was deserted and he figured that Lily hadn't woken up yet; he liked getting up really early and she usually came hurrying into the Great Hall ten minutes before classes started.
James acknowledged the other Marauders by the Gryffindor table with nothing but a short nod, before he tried his best to focus on today's Prophet that his owl had recently delivered. Of course, he'd hated it ever since they'd published several articles about what had happened to him during the summer. But at least it was something that would momentarily stop his friends from bothering him with questions and tries at making conversation.
And most of the time he couldn't handle that, even if he wanted to.
Suddenly, just as James was about to finish his very small piece of toast, Sirius cleared his throat nervously and said:
"Hey Prongs, what do you say about playing some quidditch tonight?"
The hopeful look on his face made it even harder for James to say something. Before he had time to, however, Sirius continued:
"Might be good now that the season is about to start, don't you think? When's Gryffindor's first practice session, by the way?"
Together with being Head Boy, the fact that James was also quidditch captain was what made him want to go right back to sleep the moment he opened his eyes in the mornings. And just like he'd told Evans last week, he still hadn't given much thought to the answer to Sirius' question. It felt pathetic to even admit it to himself, but being back at school was such a big challenge alone that quidditch had not exactly been one of James' biggest priorities.
"I don't know" he replied shortly, turning back to his newspaper and hoping that Sirius would drop the matter. "Next week, probably"
Yeah? What makes you think you'll be able to deal with it then?
James could see from the corner of his eye how his friends exchanged a quick glance, Peter looking like he had no idea what it was all about, and Remus asked:
"Well, it might be a good thing to get some practice then, right? And tonight would be great since we don't have as much homework as last week and..."
"I can't tonight" James stood up, realizing that Transfiguration started in five minutes. "Evans and I have to hold this prefect meeting"
Remus' eyes widened in surprise and then realization fell upon his face.
"That's right, I'd forgotten all about that even though I'm actually going. What do you two have planned?"
But James didn't reply. As he and his friends were walking through the school corridors on their way to Mc Gonagall's classroom, he was too busy wondering what Sirius was up to. Ever since last week he'd seemed nervous in James' company and he constantly gave suggestions on things they could do together.
James almost got the feeling that his best friend wanted to be alone with him only so he could confront him about something, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what that was...
Lily
"So, first prefect meeting tonight then?"
Lily only nodded as a reply to Alice's question, seeing as she was so busy stuffing food into her mouth. She felt almost like a teenage boy, but she'd overslept again this morning and barely had time for any breakfast. Besides, their first lesson with Mc Gonagall had been really exhausting. The things they were now trying to learn were on such a high level Lily sometimes had trouble keeping up and even students like Potter, who'd always been very good at Transfiguration, performed poorly.
But then again, he didn't seem to enjoy any subject these days...
Mostly to take her mind off the matter Lily answered her friend's question:
"Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it"
"What are you going to discuss?" Amelia asked curiously and Lily grimaced slightly.
"Patrolling and such, I guess. I asked Potter if there was anything he'd like to add but he didn't seem very keen on talking to me at all, so..."
Alice raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Well, that's odd..."
"Not really" Lily replied dryly, thinking about the short and almost annoyed tone in James' voice when he'd finally agreed upon having the meeting tonight. "Honestly, I'll be happy if he even shows up"
"Of course he'll show up" Alice said. "Otherwise he would have given that badge back long ago..."
"Well why isn't he?!" Lily exclaimed, but she was careful not to raise her voice since James was having lunch with his friends only a few seats away. "It's obvious that he doesn't want any of this so why won't he just march up to Dumbledore's office and make sure that Remus gets it... Stop laughing at me!"
Lily glared at her best friend who, for some reason, seemed to have trouble keeping a straight face. She even laughed slightly as she replied:
"I'm sorry Lily but it's just... You look really upset!"
"Well maybe I am" Lily snapped, wondering how no one seemed to notice how much of a disaster all this really was. "There are plenty of students here who'd kill for that badge and honestly, I wouldn't mind go finding Dumbledore and tell him that..."
"You can't tell him anything, Lily" Alice interrupted her tiredly. "He must have had a good reason for choosing Potter and there's nothing you can do to change that. You just have to give him a chance. Now come on or we'll be late for Potions"
Lily
The first thing Lily noticed when she and Alice entered the dungeons was Snape and his friends standing close together, obviously whispering amongst themselves. As Lily passed them by her and Snape's gazes locked for a split second but she quickly looked away; she didn't want anything to do with him this year.
"Stupid death eaters..." Lily muttered under her breath once she and her best friend had joined the other gryffindors who were already waiting for Slughorn to arrive.
Alice raised her eyebrows.
"I thought you said you weren't going to pay any attention to Sniv... Snape this year"
The look on her friend's face had made Alice change her words last second, but Lily knew what she'd been about to say. The nickname Potter and his friends had created for Snape was still well-used, even though none of the "geniuses" behind it seemed to be very fond of it this year. Perhaps it all lost its fun when James himself did. Not that Lily had ever considered him funny in the first place.
"Well, it turns out avoiding him isn't as easy as I thought it would be" she muttered, casting another quick glance at Snape and his friends when she was sure he wasn't looking. "We have quite many lessons with the slytherins this year"
"I know" Alice said, furrowing slightly. "One can't help wondering if Dumbledore's done it on purpose, always going on about house unity and all... Anyway, I don't think you are the person Snape and his friends are most likely to bother..."
"HEY POTTER!"
Lily and Alice both looked up at the sound of Bellatrix Lestrange's shrill sounding voice and a moment later they both spotted James and his friends entering the dungeons. Lily tried to catch a glimpse of the look on James' face but it was impossible since Bellatrix went to stand in the middle of the hallway, blocking the Marauders' way.
"Oh no..." Alice muttered under her breath right as Bellatrix said, loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Actually, we were just talking about you! You look so... pouty these days Potter, not even showing off with your newest broomstick. What's that about?"
"Get out of the way, Bella" Sirius said threateningly, his voice as cold as ice. "And shut up, or I might have to hex you"
But Bellatrix just laughed so loudly it echoed throughout the dungeons. The sound alone sent shivers down Lily's spine.
"You really scare me, cousin" she said sarcastically without taking her eyes off James.
"What's the matter Potter? Lost our ability to speak, did we? Does it have something to do with poor mummy and daddy finally getting what they deserved..."
"I SAID SHUT UP!" Sirius roared, drawing his wand and pointing it right at his cousin's chest.
Several students gasped, knowing that Sirius was quite a talented wizard for his age and Lily and Alice exchanged a worried glance. However, the fight was interrupted as Slughorn's nervous sounding voice could be heard from somewhere behind Lily:
"Calm down students, calm down! Mr Black, that's not a proper way to treat a fellow classmate, is it? Now let's all get inside so we can start the lesson!"
Bellatrix, who obviously didn't want to get into trouble, left the scene without a word and hurried to join her friends on their way into the classroom. Sirius looked furious but James, on the other hand, looked mostly... numb. It was way worse.
Alice stared at Slughorn in disbelief and started:
"But... But professor didn't you hear what Bellatrix Lestrange just..."
"Now now, let's forget all about that, shall we?" Slughorn chuckled and forced them all into the classroom. "Personally, I think this house unity Dumbledore's talking about is a great way for you to learn how to treat each other with respect!"
"Yeah right..." Alice muttered to Lily once they'd taken their seats. "The day the slytherins suddenly decide upon treating the gryffindors with respect I'll eat up my wand"
James
When heading for the classroom Lily had told him the prefect meeting would take place in, James tried his best not to think about what had happened before Potions class earlier that afternoon.
"Does it have something to do with poor mummy and daddy finally getting what they deserved..."
You're weak, James told himself. If you can't even handle bullies like Bellatrix Lestrange...
But criticizing himself couldn't take his mind off the real matter.
Would it always be like this? Would he have to endure remarks like the ones he'd received today all year and would he be able to keep acting as if he were fine with it? That seemed to be all that he was these days. Fine. At least, it was all he wanted people to think that he was.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
James kept telling himself that if he only believed it hard enough, one day it'd be true.
His thoughts were interrupted as he opened the door leading into the classroom, and he found twenty four pair of eyes staring right back at him. He tried to ignore them all as he went to stand next to Lily up front. Of course he had to be late. That was just great.
"Thank god you're here..." Lily muttered, only loud enough for him to hear, before she said:
"Welcome, everyone, to this year's first prefect meeting! In case any of you don't remember if from the train ride a week ago, I'm Lily Evans and this is James Potter"
James forced himself to look at all students sitting in front of him and he could see how a fifth year Ravenclaw boy he didn't know the name of leaned forward and whispered something to his friend. Lily probably noticed, for she quickly continued:
"Pot... James and I were thinking that it might be good for us all to see each other like this at least three times each term. And even though it is likely to change, we have decided that the next meeting will take place on October the 30th and the one after that on December 21st, the day before we go home for Christmas. Sounds good?"
Some of the prefects nodded and mumbled "yes", and James watched as one or two pulled out pieces of parchment from their bags and started taking notes. He almost smiled when thinking about what Sirius would have to say if he were here right now...
"I have a question"
The Ravenclaw boy who'd whispered with his friend earlier raised his hand and Lily nodded towards him.
"Go ahead"
"What about quidditch practices? I've heard being a prefect involves quite an intense patrolling schedule and I really need to focus if Ravenclaw's going to have any chance of winning the quidditch cup this year..."
"Don't worry, there's no way you'll win anyway"
A sixth year Hufflepuff girl, whose last name James remembered to be Diggory, gave the Ravenclaw boy a cocky grin and some other students snickered. James himself couldn't help feeling pleased, too. He had a bad feeling about this boy and he didn't like the way he talked about himself like some hero and quidditch star whose team wouldn't last a day without him.
Are you still talking about the Ravenclaw boy? a little voice whispered in the back of James' head. Or are you talking about the former you?
"Well, of course we can try taking quidditch practices into account..." Lily started, sounding as if she didn't like the idea at all. "But with four teams on the school and..."
"If you can't figure it out I'm sure you just haven't put enough thought to it" the Ravenclaw boy interrupted her flatly, and for a moment Lily looked as if someone had punched her in the face.
The classroom fell completely silent, all eyes on the Ravenclaw boy, and then:
"Maybe you're the one who hasn't put enough thought to the fact that it's better to hear someone out before you start making complaints"
James didn't know what made him say it, only that he was angry enough not to care about the fact that all eyes were now on him instead. Lily looked shocked at first, but then she sent him a grateful look and addressed the Ravenclaw boy again:
"Look... What's your name?"
"Tobias Smith"
"Look, Smith. What Pot... James is trying to say is that I think it's best we start telling you lot what we have in mind when it comes to the patrolling schedule. Then we can discuss the details"
Smith didn't look entirely pleased but remained silent, and so Lily started going through the patrolling schedule that she had come up with and showed to James a few nights earlier. Once she was done she turned to look at him, almost as if asking whether if he wanted to add something. James shook his head, and after having given the prefects some more information about their duties in general, Lily seemed to be ready to finish the meeting.
"So... I guess that's all we had for you today. Any questions?"
At the same moment Smith raised his hand Lily hurried to add:
"And I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to be possible re-scheduling the patrolling only so you can practice quidditch more often..."
"That's easy for you to say, seeing as the Gryffindor team doesn't even seem very interested in the cup this year" Smith said, causing James to look up.
Smith looked right at him and then said, with a hint of pure satisfaction in his voice:
"I heard you haven't even started training your team yet"
Now, all eyes were on James again and yet he tried to keep focus on Smith as he replied:
"Well, once I do you and the rest of the Ravenclaw team won't stand a chance. As far as I remember it didn't take much to defeat you last year"
"That was luck..."
"No it wasn't. It was pure talent and you know it"
The other prefects, and Lily, were watching James and Smith as if watching an intense ping pong game. Smith glared at James for a moment before he retorted, voice cold:
"Well... I have a feeling our captain is a bit more... stabile than you this year"
James tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that settled in his body at these words.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, hoping that his voice sounded stronger than he felt.
Smith's right. You're not stabile.
"It means exactly what you think it means, Potter..." Smith started but was interrupted by Lily.
"This meeting is not supposed to be about quidditch, you can discuss this at some other time!" she said heatedly but James ignored her, not hesitating before taking a step closer to Smith. He'd had enough for one day.
"No, please tell me what it is that you think you know..."
"I SAID STOP IT!"
Lily had raised her voice and James fell silent immediately. He dropped Smith's gaze to meet hers. She looked furious and the colour had risen on her cheeks.
"How old are you two, eleven? Next time I expect better behavior from the both of you or I swear I'll go straight to Dumbledore! This meeting is over"
At her words all prefects, who seemed to have found the whole argument between James and Smith uncomfortable and yet slightly exciting, stood up. They grabbed their things and left the classroom one by one, Remus giving James a worried look before exiting the classroom. Eventually, the door slammed shut and James and Lily were left alone.
Lily
"Well that went well"
Lily's voice was dripping with sarcasm and for the first time since they'd returned to Hogwarts, she was angry with James. And the fact almost made her happy, she welcomed the feeling since it was at least something she knew what to make of. Something she was used to.
A James Potter who was getting on her nerves.
He made no sign of having even heard her and so Lily continued to glare at him, arms crossed.
"Are you even listening to me?"
Still nothing. James was packing his quill and parchment into his bag and swung it over his shoulder. Then, before he turned around to leave he sighed heavily and met her gaze. The torches on the wall lit up his pale face as he spoke:
"Fine, go ahead. Yell at me. Tell me how I was acting like an idiot and how I don't deserve that badge"
He spoke as if it were all old news. Lily snorted loudly.
"Fine. You were acting like an idiot"
He'd asked her to yell, and she wanted to. Actually, she needed to. But something stopped her. For despite everything, she couldn't ignore the fact that he was like a porcelain doll that would so easily break if someone let carelessness take over. How much could he handle? And why did she even care?
"You're unbelievable, starting a fight like that" she snapped, clenching her fists at her sides. "You're Head Boy! You're supposed to be a role model to the younger students, not scare them off!"
"Smith started it and you know it..."
"I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT!" Lily had raised her voice and it felt good, seeing the angry look on James' face. "THE POINT IS I HAD TO STOP IT AND IT WAS HUMILIATING..."
"Nobody asked you to do that..."
"WELL SOMEONE HAD TO INTERFERE SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE..."
"THAT'S RIGHT EVANS, I DON'T!"
At his words the room fell completely silent and Lily felt as if someone had just poured a bucket of ice cold water over her head. It scared her. Not the things he'd just said (she'd figured that out long ago), but the way he said it. His voice was cold as ice and it was the first time he'd ever yelled back at her.
She felt small, almost insignificant.
James' eyes burned with something she couldn't quite put her finger to as he continued:
"I don't care about any of this"
Lily didn't know what to say, and yet there were so many questions she wanted to ask.
Why are you being like this?
But no words escaped her lips. It was as if everything about him, from the apathetic look on his face to the hand he ran through his messy hair, pressed a mute button. Lily was paralyzed, waiting for him to say something, continue to yell at her or just walk away.
Waiting for him to do something. Anything.
James seemed to be clenching his jaw, as if trying to prevent himself from telling her the actual truth.
"I can't do this"
He looked as if he were in pain and for a split second, a mere moment that was over in a heartbeat, Lily wanted to reach out her hand and touch his arm. He looked so fragile. Weak.
"I shouldn't even be here"
Now was the time to tell him how wrong he was. To convince him that he, in fact, should be here and that he could do it if he only believed in himself. But Lily wasn't sure that that was the truth. The James she'd once known could master anything if only he tried hard enough.
But now? Everything was so different...
What if he was right?
"So you're just giving up?"
She glared at him, hoping it'd take his attention away from the way her voice trembled as she spoke. There was a short silence.
"Yeah" James finally said, voice so low she could barely make out the words even though they were standing only meters apart. "I guess I am"
He turned around to leave.
"You know what, I actually miss the old James Potter"
He stopped, and no wonder. Had she just said that out loud? James didn't turn around to face her and Lily was thankful. She swallowed.
"At least he knew how to tell right from wrong" She made a short pause. "Where is he?"
She could hear him sighing heavily and his shoulders sank. Would she be able to tell what he was thinking if she could see his face?
"He's gone"
The door slammed shut behind James as he left Lily alone.
Author's note: Thank you for your reviews and to those of you who have favorited and/or started following this story. It means a lot. This chapter was fun to write, even though James as a character makes me feel slightly depressed at times haha.
Please review if you liked it! :)