Second Chances

"For everyone lost in the silence
For every one missing piece
For every will that is broken
No matter how dark it may be
There is redemption"

The Strange Familiar - Redemption

James walked with quick steps through the deserted corridors, silently hoping that he wouldn't run into someone who he'd have to talk to. Most students seemed to have returned to their common rooms by now, even though curfew didn't start for another hour. He clutched his Head Boy badge so hard the cool metal almost cut right into his skin, fuming as he thought of everything that had just happened.

He was angry with Smith for assuming things and talking as if he knew best. What the hell did he know, really? He was angry with Lily who, despite everything he'd done in the past, expected more of him than he could possibly handle. He was angry with Dumbledore, the main reason why he had to deal with all of this in the first place.

He was angry with them for not telling him the truth about the danger they were obviously in and he was furious with himself for not saving them while there was still time...

No.

James stopped walking and came to an abrupt halt just outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office. He'd gone to see Mc Gonagall and asked her for the password, but before he could even think about going up there he needed to calm down. If Dumbledore was ever going to take him seriously, he had to put himself together.

James knew he'd let his mind wander too far, he'd almost reached the part when he could no longer turn back and if that happened... He swallowed. He hadn't let it happen for weeks. He was back in school now and therefore, breaking down was no longer an option.

His heart eventually stopped beating unnaturally fast and it became easier to focus on everything that was happening around him. James reminded himself of what he was about to do and looked up at the stone gargoyle, saying the words:

"Chocolate Cauldron"

Once outside Dumbledore's office, James hesitated for a moment. Was this really a good idea, or was it just something he did because he was still really upset and didn't think straight?

He thought of the looks people had given him when realizing he was Head Boy. He thought of how he barely had time with all school work and quidditch. And above all, he thought of how Lily deserved to work with someone who deserved that badge.

And James wasn't that guy.

Swallowing, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. There was a short silence and then a solemn and yet cheerful voice could be heard from inside:

"Come in"

After having taken a deep breath, once again repeating to himself what he was going to say, James did as he was told. After having closed the door behind him he turned around and found himself inside the most interesting office he'd ever visited at Hogwarts.

Having always been the master of pranks, James and his friends had spent countless of hours inside both Filch's and Mc Gonagall's offices. But in here, James had never been before. The room was large and filled with peculiar looking instruments and ornaments, and on one of the many shelves lay the Sorting Hat that placed students in different houses once they arrived at Hogwarts for the first time. James suddenly came to think of the day when he was sorted, how happy he'd been with being placed in Gryffindor and how proud his parents had seemed. It felt like a lifetime ago.

On the wall hung portraits of former headmasters, most of them asleep, and below them was a desk that Dumbledore himself was seated behind. For a moment, he simply eyed James in silence and then, his face lit up in a small smile.

"Good evening James"

For some strange reason, he didn't even seem surprised to see him. James cleared his throat slightly, suddenly feeling extremely surveyed. There was something about the look the headmaster gave him that made him feel like he could see right through him.

"Hi" James merely replied, taking a few steps into the room.

He'd gone through it so many times in his head, what he'd say if Dumbledore ignored his wishes. But he hadn't thought of how to actually begin. Now that he was standing in here, James felt utterly stupid and at a loss for words. Luckily, Dumbledore took the matter into his own hands:

"What brings you here, my boy? I thought you and ms Evans were supposed to hold your first prefect meeting tonight"

James was not even going to pretend he was surprised that the all knowing wizard knew about that, and so he just nodded slowly.

"We did. It just finished"

"I see. Well, how did it go?"

The headmaster was obviously trying to make conversation, but feeling like he just wanted to get this over with and go right to bed James ignored the question. Instead, he took another step towards Dumbledore and mumbled:

"I... I wanted to talk to you about that. Me being Head Boy"

There was a heavy silence and James eventually forced himself to look right into Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes. Slowly, the older wizard folded his hands together.

"Please sit down, James"

Suddenly, a comfortable looking armchair appeared out of nowhere. Thinking that he'd better do as he was told, James nodded slightly and sat down. It felt strange, being alone with Dumbledore like this. Almost as if he were about to be scolded for some really mean and dangerous prank...

"You were saying?" Dumbledore asked gently and his words made James realize that it was now or never.

This was his chance at doing the right thing and for once, he was not going to screw it up.

"Look, I think you made a mistake... choosing me. I don't know the first thing about taking responsibility and being a role model and..."

But Dumbledore held up his hand and thereby silenced him.

"I am well aware of all the mischief you've managed in the past, James" he said and there was something in his voice that made James think that he didn't use those exact words for no reason.

Mischief Managed were the words one had to say to get the Marauders' map to look just like an ordinary piece of parchment. Dumbledore knew.

"Yet I think it's fair to say that you and Mr Black both seem to have realized the importance of focusing on other things this year. At least I have received no complaints from professor Mc Gonagall and your other teachers"

James felt like telling Dumbledore that the only reason why Sirius had managed to follow all school rules this year was that his best friend and partner in crime, James himself, hadn't been very into breaking any of them. But it wouldn't be fair getting Sirius into trouble and besides, that probably wouldn't change the headmaster's current opinion...

"But that doesn't mean that I should be Head Boy" James replied quietly, locking his gaze with Dumbledore's again. "Remus is a prefect and I'm sure he would be way better at..."

"I think you might have to accept the fact that you're not as bad as you obviously think you are" the headmaster interrupted him gently. "Mr Lupin is an excellent student and he is doing a great job as a prefect. But please believe me when I say that I had my reasons for choosing you, James"

What reasons?

James remained silent for a while, thinking. The way Dumbledore practically refused to hear him out had made him realize that he had a choice. Either, he could just let it be and give up. Or, he could be honest and tell the headmaster the main reason why he wanted someone else to be Head Boy.

What was most important? Tearing down some of his facade or finally getting rid of that stupid badge? James already knew the answer to his own question.

"I'm just not sure I can do it" He hated the way his voice trembled as he spoke. "There are so many other things going on and..."

He drifted off, couldn't bring himself to continue. Luckily, Dumbledore didn't force him to. Instead, he remained silent for a short while before he told his student:

"You know, I have found that it's sometimes better to do ordinary things when life gives you experiences that makes you question your every belief. We have to try and remember who we truly are and be brave enough not to shut reality out"

James didn't know what to say, and so he remained silent. He knew that Dumbledore was considered on of the wisest wizards in Britain, but this? What made him think he could just sit there and talk about it as if it were all so easy? What did he know about 'being brave enough not to shut reality out'?

Nothing. And what if reality was simply too much to handle?

"I know how you feel, James"

"No you don't"

It was easier staring out the window and face the darkness outside, than acknowledging the headmaster. James clenched his jaw, thinking that it wouldn't be a very good thing if he lost his temper again.

Don't tell me how I feel. Don't you dare tell me what this is like.

Why wouldn't Dumbledore just take the bloody badge back and give it to somebody else? How hard could it be? Evans surely would be happy about it...

"Yes, I do. I have lost family, too, and I know that it changes every single aspect of your entire existence"

It felt weird, hearing the so powerful, famous and wise wizard sit here and talk about his feelings and his private life. Yet, James still couldn't bring himself to say anything. Dumbledore was silent for a moment, probably lost in thought, before he continued:

"I know why you are here, James, and I know you'll think that you hate me when I tell you that the answer to your question is no. But I ask you to believe me when I say that I'm doing what I think is best for you. Please give yourself a chance. If you feel the same way two months from now you can come back, and I might have to reconsider my decision"

There was something in Dumbledore's voice that made James realize that this meeting was over and that there was nothing he could do to change that. Still holding the Head Boy badge in his hand, he stood up and turned around to leave without a word. As annoying as it was, James couldn't tell whether he was angry or not. Just like when Bellatrix Lestrange had teased him earlier he felt strangely... numb.

With his hand on the door, ready to open it, he turned around one last time to face the headmaster.

"Can I ask you something, sir?"

Dumbledore nodded.

"Of course"

James hesitated, silently wondering whether he really wanted the answer to his own question.

"Why me?"

Of all worthy gryffindors. Of all worthy students at this entire school. Why me?

To his great surprise, Dumbledore smiled.

"Because not unlike ms Evans, I'm a great believer in second chances, Mr Potter. And I think the only problem right now is that you don't believe in yourself"

Lily

Lily was the first student to enter Slughorn's classroom on Friday morning, making sure that she and Alice would get seats up front. Potions had always been one of Lily's favorite subjects, and she also happened to be one of Slughorn's favorite students. Besides, she had had this strong urge to prove herself in every single class ever since the fiasco at the prefect meeting...

She shivered at the thought. Even though it had been over a week Lily still felt bad about it. She hadn't spoken a word to James ever since he walked out on her after having made it clear that he didn't care about anything...

Well, that didn't seem entirely true, Lily thought as she started looking for a quill in her bag. At least he'd finally decided upon starting playing quidditch again and from what she'd heard the gryffindors had had quite many practice sessions already.

"Remind me why I'm taking this course again..." Alice muttered, grimacing right as Slughorn entered the room with a cheerful look on his face. "It's just so boring!"

"At least it's not very hard" Lily whispered back, since Slughorn had started motioning for all students to be quiet. "Even Potter and his friends managed to get an E in their OWLs..."

"Good morning everybody!" The Potions master beamed at them, and Lily could see that he was holding a piece of parchment with something written on it. "I have some really exciting news for you all today"

Suddenly, as if someone had turned down the volume, Slughorn had everyone's attention and both gryffindors and slytherins looked at him expectantly. Having been students at a school of magic for the past six years they knew that "exciting news" were likely to involve something unusual, exhilarating or even dangerous.

Slughorn seemed to enjoy the tensed silence for a short moment, before he revealed:

"We are starting this new project, where you all get to study different potions in pairs during a couple of weeks!"

If someone had turned down the volume before, the opposite thing happened now. Lily saw the disappointed looks on all her classmates' faces and some, mostly Slytherin students, weren't afraid to hide their disapproval.

"Is that supposed to be exciting?" McNair scoffed. "Sounds more like a punishment if you ask me"

"Great, then you can leave so no one longer risks getting put in the same group as you"

Sirius gave McNair an evil smirk which he ignored but to Lily's great surprise, James actually looked slightly amused by his friend's comment.

Alice seemed to have noticed the same thing.

"Did you see that?" she mumbled to Lily, who pretended like she had no idea what her friend was talking about. "I haven't seen Potter smile in years..."

Slughorn interrupted their conversation by raising his voice over the mumbles that had erupted throughout the classroom:

"Be careful Mr Black, or I might put you in the same group as Mr Mcnair! I choose the pairs, you see"

The reaction was immediate. Bellatrix Lestrange stood up in her seat and screamed:

"There's no way I'm working with any of those mudbl..."

"Now now ms Lestrange, please wait with your accusations until I've given you your partner" Slughorn interrupted her, sounding somewhat annoyed. "You might be surprised!"

It was obvious that he didn't want any more trouble than necessary, for Bellatrix and all other Slytherin students that were known to despise gryffindors were only put together with people from their own house. Lily was relieved to find that Snape got Yaxley as a partner, since that at least meant that she wouldn't have to work with him...

She took a quick glance around the classroom, thinking about the students whose names Slughorn hadn't yet called out. They were mostly gryffindors and in fact, she felt like she wouldn't mind working with any of them.

Well, Lily thought while trying her best to hide a snort, as long as it's not...

"And ms Evans, I'd like you to work with Mr Potter"

All gryffindor students, who knew how much of a history there was between Lily and James already, fell silent. Lily herself couldn't move. Couldn't think. She tried to look Slughorn in the eye, but he had already begun reading the next name from his list.

Why? First sharing a living quarter with him and now this? She'd have to work with Potter, be his partner for "a couple of weeks", whatever that meant... Lily felt sick. How would she be able to stop herself from tearing his head off as soon as they got eye contact?

"What are the odds?" Alice asked quietly, before she stood up to join Remus who was her partner. "I'm sorry, Lily"

Lily herself remained in her seat, feeling as if someone had put glue on her chair. After what seemed like a really long time she could almost feel his presence, and so she knew that he'd given up the fight. James cleared his throat slightly and she forced herself to look into his brown eyes. He still looked pale, the dark circles under his eyes hadn't vanished, and yet something was different.

He looked more alive. And perhaps just slightly, slightly happier.

"We might as well get started on this"

His voice was low, but it was easy for Lily to make out every word. She nodded shortly, grabbed her books and stood up.

"Let's go to the library, then"

The library. It had always been her safe haven, the one place she knew Potter would never go unless he really had to. She could spend hours in there, enjoying the silence and getting lost in books describing worlds and lives so unlike her own.

But everything was different now. Now, she had to share it with him. And she hated it.

James

James walked a couple of meters behind Lily on their way to the library, in silence. He hadn't missed the horrified look on her face the minute she realized they'd have to work together for the next couple of weeks, and so he preferred not to bother her any more than he actually had to.

Truth to be told, James wasn't thrilled about working together with her, either. Of course, Lily had always been funny and smart and charming but knowing that someone else's grade would be affected if he didn't work hard enough was a really stressful feeling. He figured it was a good thing he'd been out flying that same morning, or he might not have been very good at hiding what he really thought about all this.

A year ago the thought of being paired up with Evans would have made him jump up and down in excitement. But now that she was still angry with him for what had happened at the prefect meeting over a week earlier it'd just be... awkward.

Then again, it had always been awkward between the two of them. James had just been too self-confident and busy with his own feelings for her to notice.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound as Lily pulled out a chair. Hesitating for a moment, he sat down opposite her and tried to look anywhere but in her direction. Merlin, this was weird. Having been practically obsessed with her for the past six years, James was well aware of the fact that Potions was one of Lily's best subjects. She'd probably lose it when realizing that he was nowhere near as good as her, and with all homework he'd missed during the summer...

"So I suppose we should start by choosing what potions we want to take a closer look at" Lily said shortly, opening her book and thereby avoiding his gaze.

"Sure"

James started turning pages in his book, knowing that he wouldn't make any suggestions unless he got Lily's approval. When it came to Potions, he felt like an amateur next to her. In fact, he felt sorry for her for having to work with him. It was all Slughorn's fault...

"I'm sorry" The words left his mouth before he had time to consider them. "About what happened at the prefect meeting"

He didn't care, and yet there was something about Lily Evans that made it impossible not to. For despite feeling like crap, he still couldn't stand the thought of her being angry with him. At least not now when they had to spend so much time together.

For the first time, Lily looked up and her bright green eyes shined with something he couldn't quite put his finger to. She looked surprised, and yet that wasn't all...

"You should be"

Her voice was quite cold, and since it was nothing but what James had expected he didn't flinch. Feeling like he might as well continue now that he'd started, he told her:

"I went to see Dumbledore... Tried to convince him to give the badge to Remus instead"

This time, Lily did look surprised and she seemed to have trouble hiding it.

"And?" she asked after a short silence.

He couldn't decide whether she sounded hopeful or not. James sighed slightly, dropping her gaze.

"And he wouldn't let me. Said I had to give it another two months"

There was a silence, and since James had gone back to pretending like he was looking for a specific potion in his book he couldn't tell what Lily was thinking. However, he could feel her gaze on him when she asked:

"Why did you do it? Tried to hand it back, I mean"

"You know why"

Because this is not my thing. And it was never supposed to be me.

Either Lily knew that he was right, or she just lost interest in the discussion. She didn't say anything, but returned to her book and started turning pages again. She suggested a potion or two which James, without doubt, agreed on before she finally admitted:

"I was a bit hard on you that night. I know that Smith's the one who started it but... I just wanted everything to be perfect, you know? After all, it was our first meeting..."

"Everything you do is perfect, Evans"

James hadn't meant to say that, or to interrupt Lily, but as he spoke she fell silent at once. And for the first time ever, she didn't look furious after having received a compliment from him. He stared out the window as he continued:

"Whether you want to admit it or not"

Lily opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it again. There was a very long silence before she eventually cleared her throat.

"What do you think about Felix Felicis?"

Author's note: Thank you SO MUCH for your reviews on the latest chapter, you have no idea how much I enjoy reading them! This story has 54 followers and 31 favorites now and like I've said before that's a lot to me :)

I'm not sure whether I like this chapter or not, at least the scenes with James/Dumbledore and James/Lily were fun to write. It might not seem like a lot happened in this chapter, but I think it made sense that James tried to give his Head Boy badge back to Dumbledore. Also, being paired up with Lily in Potions is one way for their relationship to move forward! I hope you don't think it's too much of a cliché :P

One of my readers pointed out that it's hard to keep interest when James is constantly depressed/sad. I think what I'm trying to show is that there's no "right" way to grieve when you've lost someone you love. Right now, James is in a very dark place but quidditch is something he can focus on and flying can help to take his mind off things. However, it's still only been about two months since his parents died and I think that, to keep the story realistic, he needs time. Also, I just don't think it's possible to be really depressed one day and then wake up super happy the next morning. It's a slow progress which has its ups and downs (like moments of happiness, despair and anger), and I hope you'll bear with me through it.

Please review and tell me what you think about the chapter/the story so far! :)