Quidditch and Questions

"Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along"

The Fray - Over My Head

"Okay everybody, gather around here please!"

James called on his teammates from the ground and couldn't help grinning as they all did as they were told. Just like yesterday, this practice session had gone really well and he had a feeling that the upcoming game against Ravenclaw would not be too difficult to win.

"Brilliant work, continue like this and we won't even have to worry about playing against Slytherin"

"Yeah, I'd love to see the look on Smith's face when he realizes that!"

It was Joseph Bell, a sixth-year who also happened to be a very talented chaser, who'd spoken up. At his words the rest of the team agreed, all wearing pleased looks on their faces. Some of them had heard Smith boast about how great the Ravenclaw team was and how he kept saying that the gryffindors didn't stand a chance. Also, James had told them what had happened at the prefect meeting and that had only made them even more willing to practice even harder.

James supported some of his weight on his broomstick, still out of breath from having been catching and throwing the quaffle so many times during the past hour. Raising his voice slightly, so his teammates could all hear him, he said:

"Right, same time here tomorrow night then..."

But he drifted off as he spotted the looks on the others' faces. They all exchanged quick glances and some, like the team's two beaters, muttered something incoherent under their breaths and didn't look happy at all. Miranda Williams, who played seeker, cleared her throat and gave James an apologizing look.

"Well... Don't you think we might need a day's rest, James?"

"I agree" Joseph said, grimacing as he massaged his right arm. "If we keep this up I'll be exhausted by the time the actual game takes place..."

"And I have loads of homework..." someone else added and Miranda, who was in James' year, pointed out:

"And you and I have our NEWTs to prepare for, James. Even though Mc Gonagall likes quidditch she'll kill us if we fail Transfiguration because of it..."

"All right, all right" James interrupted her tiredly, seeing as he was desperate not to hear the end of that sentence. "We'll take a few days' break"

"Believe me, we want to beat Ravenclaw just as bad as you do mate" Joseph said, patting James on the shoulder as the rest of the team started making their way towards the changing rooms. "But quidditch is not the only important thing in life"

As he said the last part he locked his gaze with James', almost as if he was referring to something specific. Almost as if there was something else he wanted James to put focus on... He honestly doubted whether this game meant as much to Joseph as it did to him, but he kept quiet and just nodded.

"I guess you're right"

But not when it comes to me. Then you're deadly wrong.

"Aren't you coming?"

Joseph interrupted his thoughts and James looked up, only to find that the rest of the team had left the quidditch pitch several minutes ago. Joseph nodded towards the changing rooms and James knew he had to think fast to come up with a good excuse.

"You go ahead, I'll be there. I just have to... I think there was a bludger that took off earlier and I need to find it, or else Madam Hooch will go mad"

It was not the best lie in history, but it'd have to do. Joseph gave him a somewhat weird look, but then he just nodded slowly.

"All right... See you later then"

"Yeah"

James

James closed his eyes and enjoyed the cool morning air on his face, it was a far better distraction than running had ever been. Lying to Joseph was definitely worth it.

It was not until he realized he no longer had a choice that James had started playing quidditch again. He'd convinced himself that he was strong enough to hold try-outs and so he'd picked some new members for his team and put them to work the first chance he got, Smith's voice echoing inside his head as he did so.

I heard you haven't even started training your team yet.

Well, not anymore.

Three weeks had passed since the prefect meeting and now, as they were entering October and the first game of the season drew closer, James was pretty sure the gryffindors practiced more often and harder than the other teams combined. And to him, it was not all about winning the quidditch cup. In fact, that was not even one of the main reasons.

To James, this new obsession with flying had begun when he realized how easy it was to get his mind off things when doing it. Being chaser required concentration and when soaring up there, focusing on the game and the game only, James didn't have to keep telling himself that he was not allowed to remember. Up in the sky, in the blue and the cold, it was easier to just drown it all out. Even the nightmares were not as bad as before.

And that was how he'd gotten through these past couple of weeks that, now that he looked back at them, seemed like nothing but a blur. He got up in the mornings, attended all his lessons, spent some time with his friends and then went to bed. James had also come to realize that there were good days and bad days.

During the good days he didn't mind spending hours with Sirius and the others, and actually managed to smile at his best friends' jokes. During the good days he did some of his homework (even though the result was far from good) and he was able to keep focus long enough to help Lily look up some of the strangest and most complicated potions. Ever since the first time they'd worked together in the library she'd seemed very keen on not discussing anything but schoolwork. James didn't exactly mind, but he wondered whether it had something to do with the fact that he'd told her that everything she did was perfect...

Well, it was. And lying to Lily Evans was not like lying to Joseph Bell or his aunt. Just like Dumbledore, she seemed to be able to see right through him even though they hardly ever spoke a word to each other in Potions class unless it had something to do with, well, potions.

And then there were the bad days. James hated even thinking about them, and they usually came whenever he hadn't been out flying in a while. That was one of the reasons why he didn't mind practicing every day. During the bad days Lily had to do all work herself and James avoided Sirius and the others by telling them that he had homework. The only problem was, he didn't do much of his homework, either.

The bad days were even more of a blur than the good ones. However, they were easier to avoid now that he was out flying as soon as he got the chance.

If James would try to explain it to someone (which he'd never dream of doing) he'd say that he felt more like a machine than a living person. He breathed, he moved, he walked, he talked, he smiled and he'd even had himself believe that he was fine. And he forced himself to keep it all up since he was afraid of what might happen if he stopped. If he allowed himself to just sit down, take a deep breath and think.

It was better not to, and so James continued to move as if an auto-pilot. It was a strange feeling, but way better than accepting the actual truth.

Lily

During the past couple of weeks, James was not the only one who'd come to terms with the good and the bad days. Lily, who was his partner in Potions, soon learned to tell the difference between when James would be to surprisingly much help and when he'd be completely useless. It was hard for her to tell the reason behind this change of spirit, for surely he must be just as sad about what had happened to his parents every day?

However, Lily was also able to follow a clear pattern: Ever since James and the rest of the Gryffindor team had started playing quidditch again, there were more good days than bad ones. So basically, Lily had Tobias Smith to thank for the fact that there was still a chance for her to get an "O" in Potions. But of course, she'd never admit that...

This Monday James seemed to be in a particularly good mood and came with quite many suggestions on what they could write about and include in their work. Lily tried not to look as surprised as she felt, silently thinking that it all probably had something to do with the quidditch practice the Gryffindor team had had that same morning.

When today's Potions lesson was almost about to end, she and James both sat silent in the library on each side of a round table. Lily was taking notes on a piece of parchment and James was turning pages in a very old looking book that was said to hold "Everything you've ever needed to know about Potions".

When casting a quick glance at his face, the words left Lily's mouth before she had time to stop them:

"You seem different"

James looked up at her words, furrowing. She soon added:

"I mean... You seem happier"

And yet you don't.

For there was something, something she couldn't quite put her finger to, that made her believe that most of it was just an act. James seemed fine. In fact, he seemed almost too fine given thought of everything he'd been through. How could he just sit there and read about different potions as if it actually mattered?

Something was off about him, and she suddenly felt determined to find out what.

Why do you even care?

I don't.

Lily ignored the inner debate in her head as James replied simply:

"I guess I am"

Their gazes locked and she tried to find something in his eyes that'd give him away. But there was nothing. After all, hiding what he truly felt had always been one of James Potter's greatest talents. Who was he, really?

"Well that's great"

Once again, Lily had spoken up without thinking and James stared at her.

"It is?"

She stared back, silently thinking that that was one of the dumbest questions she'd ever heard.

"Of course it is. Since when is it a bad thing to feel good?"

"I just didn't think you cared"

This time, James seemed to be the one who'd let the words leave his mouth without contemplating them first. His voice was sincere, hollow and yet full of genuine curiosity. Still, there was something about his question that caused Lily to put on her defense mechanisms. For the words he'd used resembled the ones the old James Potter had uttered in her presence so many times before. And back then, they were most likely be followed by a sentence like: "Have you finally come to terms with your true feelings for me, Evans?"

Lily hadn't liked that person one bit. She hadn't liked his approach, his way of acting as if he owned the world and the triumphant sound in his voice. In fact, she'd hated it. It had made her a target and even though this new James Potter was depressing and confusing in his own way, at least he left her alone. And that was all she wanted.

Right?

Of course it was.

"I was just curious how something like quidditch could make you move on after everything you've been through"

For a moment, James looked as if he were in pain and that was all it took for Lily to realize what she'd just said. Fine, she sometimes spoke without thinking, but this? This was not okay, and he needed to know that.

"I'm sorry" she said, feeling her cheeks turning red out of shame. "That was really stupid, I... I have no idea what you've been through and I shouldn't just come here and..."

"It's fine"

It was those two words that alone answered of Lily's many questions regarding James' Potter: she was right about him hiding something. What she'd just said was not fine and if he really did believe that it was...

He's fooling you. And what's worse: he's fooling himself.

"No..." Lily's words came out as a mere whisper. "No, it's not"

And she got a feeling they both knew that there was more to that sentence than she'd ever let on.

James

"You know, I'm a bit surprised you haven't said anything about what it's like working with Evans in Potions"

It was Sirius who spoke and James rolled his eyes, thinking that there was no way his friend would give up on this unless he'd been informed of every single detail.

"There's not much to say" he replied dryly, pretending to be busy looking for something in his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook. "We only discuss potions and I guess you hear enough of that from Slughorn already"

"That's it?" Sirius' voice was full of disbelief. "Why haven't you tried asking her out yet?"

James stared at Sirius and was just about to ask him if he'd gone mad, when Remus reached him to it:

"You're joking, right? Besides, I'm sure James is mature enough now to realize that..."

"To realize that he's not even the slightest interested in her anymore?" Sirius snorted loudly, grinning at James. "Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it..."

James didn't say anything, but thought about the conversation he and Lily had had earlier in the library that very same day. Before, he'd always loved it whenever she paid attention to him but now he was pretty sure it'd be better if he was invisible to her.

She seemed to notice everything. Why was that?

"She said that she missed the old me"

At his words, James' three closest friends all fell silent and looked up at him. Peter furrowed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked and Sirius added:

"When did she say that?"

James shrugged.

"If you want to know what it means you'd better ask her, I have no idea. It was after the prefect meeting..."

At least he knew how to tell right from wrong.

Did he really? These days, James wasn't even sure there was a right or wrong. It was all about staying strong enough to get through another day that felt just as pointless as the rest of them.

"But why would Lily miss the old you?" Remus asked. "She hated the old you"

Sirius hit Remus with his book.

"Nicely put, Moony" he said sarcastically and Remus rolled his eyes.

"We all know it's true, James didn't exactly always show her his best sides..."

"It's fine" James interrupted their argument, before nodding towards Remus. "You're right"

There was a short silence before Sirius yawned loudly and leaned against the tree behind him. They were studying outside this afternoon, since the weather was quite warm and sunny for being October. It had been Remus' idea and James didn't mind; out here it was far easier to concentrate than inside where people always turned up when he least wanted them to. And he desperately needed to concentrate.

"Hey Remus, do you think you could help me out with this?"

James nodded towards his half-finished essay, pretending like he didn't see the surprised look on Remus' face.

"Uhm, yeah sure. Do you want me to take a look at it?"

"Yeah that'd be great"

Sirius yawned again, demonstratively this time, before saying:

"Well Prongs, I'm sure Evans will have a go now that she gets the chance to meet this new and mature version of you"

James knew that Sirius had meant it as a joke, they always used to tease each other like that and Remus had never seen the end of it ever since he'd become a prefect back in fifth year. Still, James couldn't help feeling annoyed with his friend's words.

Did he ever think about his future? How would he ever get a job and earn a living if he didn't bother doing any of his homework? Sirius wasn't stupid, but he sure as hell seemed to want people to think that he was.

James suddenly felt a strong urge to scream at him, tell him that there were far more important things in life than joking around and playing pranks on people who actually cared about their studies. For things like that couldn't possibly matter anymore, and Sirius' naive attitude was a constant reminder of how easy things had once been. Feeling like he was about to get a headache, James snarled:

"Maybe I've just come to realize that things won't always work out fine just because you want them to. I actually want to get somewhere once school is over and I didn't get much done this summer, for obvious reasons"

The second he'd uttered that last part he regretted it. In fact, all he could think of was that if his friends brought some of it up now it'd be his fault. He'd practically asked for it and yet he didn't feel like talking to any of them.

The silence that followed was so long James seriously contemplated just leaving. Then, right as Peter sent Remus a nervous look, Sirius said:

"I'm sorry mate, I didn't mean it like that..."

"It's fine"

But Sirius didn't seem willing to give up the discussion.

"Why do you keep saying that?" he asked and Remus started:

"Sirius..."

"No, I want to know. Why do you keep saying that everything's fine when it's obviously not? It doesn't have to be this way, James..."

"Really?" James slammed his textbook shut and Sirius fell silent at once. "Then tell me how it's going to be, Sirius. Tell me you have a brilliant solution to all this shit"

James had practically, for the first time, admitted to his friends how he truly felt. And despite feeling like this was all heading in a really bad direction he couldn't back out now.

"You can talk to us" Remus said, his voice gentler than James wanted it to be. "We're your best friends and we'll always be here for you..."

There was another silence and when Sirius spoke up his voice trembled slightly, almost as if he were afraid of his own words:

"It might feel better if you just tell us about it. What happened that night?"

"Why are you asking me?" James asked sharply, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. "You could just read the fucking Daily Prophet like everybody else"

"Stop it..."

"No, you stop it!"

James had raised his voice loud enough for all of his friends to fall silent and once he had their full attention he said, with a shaky voice and trembling hands by his sides:

"I don't want to talk about what happened, okay?"

Sirius opened his mouth, obviously to oppose, but Remus hurried to say:

"It's okay, we understand. Right Sirius?"

He turned to give his friend a meaningful glance but Sirius simply kept glaring at James, his dark eyes containing so many emotions at once. Having known him for so long, James knew perfectly well what that look meant.

Disappointment.

And when they all started packing their things together and heading up towards the castle for dinner, James felt like screaming at Sirius again. He wanted to tell him that he hadn't asked for any of this and that he desperately wished that he, too, could be all naive and funny.

But those days were over, and even Lily Evans seemed to notice.

Author's note: I'm not very happy with this chapter, even though I can't really put my finger to why. Please review and tell me what you think, your words make my day :D