Breaking Through

"But how long will your thoughts
of valleys stay green
when the world you were born in
changes with seasons"

Laleh - Some Die Young

When James woke up the next morning he immediately regretted that he'd had so much to drink the previous night - for as he sat up in bed his head hurt really bad and he even felt slightly sick. He could almost hear what his mother would have said if she'd been there to scold him:

Well, you have no one but yourself to blame for this!

As true as that was, it didn't make James feel any better. He knew the minute he got out of bed, and took a glance at the alarm clock on his bedside table, that today would not exactly be great. It was almost nine o' clock already and today's Transfiguration lesson would start in less than fifteen minutes. Even if he skipped breakfast there was no way he'd make it on time and truth to be told, he didn't even want to go.

James made his way over to window, pulled the curtains aside and enjoyed the view. This was one of the few things he appreciated about Head Boy; nobody could deny that there were certain privileges. Up here on the ninth floor he had a perfect view of the grounds surrounding the castle, the gamekeeper Hagrid's cabin and even the Black Lake. It was a beautiful autumn morning, the sky was clear blue and the frost on the grass almost seemed to sparkle in the light of the sun. The quidditch pitch, that only yesterday had been so full of life, was now empty and waiting for one of the four teams to start practicing for their next game...

The game against Ravenclaw.

Was that really yesterday? To James, the idea felt slightly surrealistic and it seemed like every happy feeling he'd felt the day before was gone. Was winning a quidditch game really that much of a big deal? What did it matter, really?

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the window that made him jump slightly. A second later he found himself staring right into his owl's amber eyes. The owl kept hoo-ing indignantly, as if it were really keen on getting inside. James opened the window, enjoying the cool morning air on his face as he mumbled to the owl:

"Hello you..."

The owl flew right across the room, sat down on his bedside table and held out its right leg. A letter was tied to it and James had a hint who it was from. He grabbed it, opened the envelope and started reading:

November 1 1977

Dear James

I have not heard from you in almost a month now and I'm beginning to worry. I'm not asking you to write several rolls of parchment every day, but I would be able to sleep a lot better at night if I at least knew that you were doing all right. If you are, please tell me so. And if you're not, I want you to tell me that, too.

Not much has happened over here since I last heard from you. I've gone back to work and there's a lot to do at the Ministry now, with You-know-who gaining strength and followers. Perhaps I shouldn't tell you this, but I've never wanted to keep the truth from you, James. Don't worry though, with Dumbledore at Hogwarts you're probably as safe as you'll ever be.

I can't believe it's November already and I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Christmas. Please write back to me as soon as you can and let me know that you're all right. I miss you.

There was no name at the end of the letter, but James recognized his aunt's tidy handwriting. Besides, who else would worry about him like that? He sighed heavily as he put the letter down. He was already late for class, but he knew he had to sent his aunt a reply this instant. If he didn't, she might express her worries to Dumbledore or Mc Gonagall and that was the last thing he needed.

James started rummaging through his trunk and eventually found a quill, some ink and a piece of parchment. Hurrying to get done as soon as possible, he scribbled down his reply:

Sorry I haven't been good at writing lately, I've just had a lot of other things to deal with. The quidditch season has started and we won against Ravenclaw yesterday.

I'm fine and you don't have to worry about me. I hope you're doing well at home, don't work too much. I'll see you on Christmas.

James

It was not the best thing he'd ever put together, but it'd have to do. The thoughts kept spinning through his head as he handed the letter to his owl, let it out the window and headed towards the bathroom to have a shower. Lily was nowhere to be seen and he thought that, of course, she'd managed to get to class in time even though she'd stayed up late the previous night.

Why had she waited up in the common room, anyway? Surely not for his sake... She probably just wanted someone to fight with, but why not just put a Muffliato Charm on her bedroom door? No matter how much James tried to figure it all out, it didn't make sense. He thought of what he'd told her the previous night:

If you're still angry with me tomorrow you can yell at me then.

But there was no way she'd actually waste her time doing that...

As he got dressed and packed his bag with the books he needed for today's lessons his thoughts drifted off to his aunt. At least he'd been honest with her in his reply - he did have a lot of other things to deal with. Yet, it was not fair to let her worry after everything she'd done for him and he promised himself to try to write more regularly. How hard could it be, really?

It was almost 9:30 when James finally exited through Godric Gryffindor's portrait. However, the house founder would not let him pass unnoticed and called loud enough for the entire corridor to hear:

"It is important to get to class on time, Mr Potter! Hogwarts offers the best magical education in the entire wizarding world and you'd do well not to miss any of it!"

I'd do well not to punch you in the face, James thought to himself whilst he pretended like he hadn't heard a word. Lately he'd come to realize that it was, in fact, easier that way.

Lily

Mc Gonagall was just about to demonstrate how to make things that had once vanished re-appear, something Lily had really looked forward to since it was bound to be tested in her NEWTs a couple of months later. However, the Transfiguration teacher was interrupted by a sound as the door leading into the classroom opened.

It wasn't hard for Lily to figure out who the newcomer was, seeing as only one desk stood empty this morning. James' hair looked slightly messier than usual, as if he'd just stepped out of the shower, and she could tell from the look on his face that he'd rather be anywhere but here. Sirius, who'd spent the entire lesson yawning and complaining about his hangover, suddenly looked up and relief washed over his face as he spotted his best friend. It caught Lily by surprise and she couldn't help thinking that despite everything, it was obvious how the Marauders always looked out and cared for each other.

"Good morning Mr Potter" Mc Gonagall greeted James cooly, as he took his seat in silence. "One would expect a seventh year like yourself to know where and when the first lesson of the day takes place"

"Sorry"

James voice was low and if Lily hadn't been seated so close by she probably wouldn't have heard him. He avoided his classmates' curious gazes as he placed his Transfiguration textbook on the desk in front of him, but accidentally locked his gaze with Lily's for a split second before she looked away. She could feel her cheeks reddening as she thought of the confusion she'd seen on his face. He probably wondered why she'd been acting like a really annoying bitch the other night...

"Page 47 in your book, Potter. You have some catching up to do"

Mc Gonagall went back to demonstrating the transfiguration and even though it was all really fascinating, Lily found it hard to pay attention. A few seats behind her, Amy Baker kept glaring at James as if her life depended on it and that made Lily wonder what had really happened between the two of them the previous night. They'd both looked so happy when leaving the Gryffindor common room...

Maybe you should try to mind your own business, a voice whispered inside Lily's head and even though she knew it was right she couldn't just drop the matter. If James kept this up, arriving late to class and thereby not setting a good example as Head Boy, wasn't that her business?

Suddenly the bell rang, interrupting Lily's thoughts. She and Alice packed their things together and were just about to leave the classroom when they heard Mc Gonagall say:

"Potter, please stay for a few minutes"

Sirius rolled his eyes demonstratively and Lily could hear Remus mutter:

"That's not good..."

As they'd all exited the classroom Alice was the first one to wonder out loud:

"I wonder what he's done now"

James

If someone would have asked James to put words to what he felt when the door slammed shut behind his classmates, he probably wouldn't have been able to. As he remained in his seat, glaring at Mc Gonagall and waiting for her to say something, he was angry and tired and confused. What had he done to deserve this? Why did it have to happen today, when he also suffered from a hangover and wanted nothing but to sleep or at least escape from all the people that were constantly surrounding him?

There was a short silence, during which Mc Gonagall took some notes on a piece of parchment in front of her. Then, she looked up and eyed James from behind her square shaped spectacles.

"Well played yesterday" she said. "I think most gryffindors would agree with me when I say that it's been long since we were so proud of our team"

James stared at her in disbelief. One of Hogwarts' strictest professors made him stay behind after class and this was what she wanted to talk about? Was it a joke? He remained speechless for a few seconds, but then managed to choke out:

"This is about quidditch?"

"Well, it is one of the things that I wanted to discuss with you" Mc Gonagall replied, standing up and walking around her desk so it was easier for her to meet James' gaze.

His heart sank. He knew that look far too well by now and he hated it. Pity. Worry. The I think I know what you're feeling but I really don't-look. It sickened him. Before Mc Gonagall had time to say anything he looked up at her, sounding more confident than he really felt as he spoke the words:

"So what if I arrived half an hour late? Last time I checked that wasn't a crime"

"It's not" Mc Gonagall replied calmly. "But I'm afraid that your lack of focus in my class this year has come to affect your study results"

James didn't know how to respond to this, so he didn't. What his Transfiguration teacher had just said didn't come as a surprise; he knew that he hadn't been very good at keeping track of his homework lately and even in class it was hard to stay focused. But what he also knew was that there was nothing he could do about it, for no matter how hard he tried he just didn't see the point.

Charms, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts... All subjects that he'd always, somewhat secretly, enjoyed had become boring and uninteresting. He was simply too tired to deal with any of it.

Mc Gonagall sighed heavily.

"Transfiguration has always been one of your best subjects, Potter. I'd hate to have to fail you..."

"I'll try harder"

James was surprised that his voice carried, and was even full of strength, as he interrupted her. He didn't want any reminders of how things used to be. When noticing the somewhat doubtful look on Mc Gonagall's face he added:

"I promise"

There was another silence and James stared down at his desk, silently praying that his professor would find a good excuse to end this meeting right now. He also wondered whether his friends were waiting for him outside, and whether he even wanted them to...

"How are you?"

Mc Gonagall's question consisted of three simple words and yet James didn't hesitate a second when deciding that it was better to lie. He tried his best to look confused and asked:

"What do you mean, professor?"

Just like he'd feared, Mc Gonagall obviously didn't believe him. She snorted loudly and gave him an annoyed look.

"Don't be silly, Potter. After everything you've been through..."

"Are we done?"

That was the second time James interrupted his professor and head of house but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting out of here as soon as possible and escaping somewhere else entirely... Without another word he stood up, swung his bag over his shoulder and turned around to leave. Mc Gonagall remained silent until the moment when he grabbed the door-handle:

"James"

He stopped, mostly because he couldn't remember that she had ever called a student by his or her first name before. Just get it over with, he told himself and turned around to face her again. She waited. He waited.

"If you need to talk to someone..."

"I don't"

Pay someone to listen to his problems and mess with his head? He'd rather die... Mc Gonagall finally seemed to have given up and nodded slightly.

"Just remember I said that" she said, with a surprisingly soft voice. "And try to pay more attention in class, please. It would be a shame to let your talent go to waste"

Before leaving the classroom James nodded back, only so Mc Gonagall would know that he'd heard her all right. However, he seriously doubted whether he'd be able to follow her advice. He felt too weak.

Sirius

When Mc Gonagall had asked James to stay behind after Transfiguration Sirius' first thought had been to wait for him outside. However, Remus was quick to inform him that he didn't consider that a good idea.

"Whatever Mc Gonagall has to say probably won't make him happy, he might need some time alone" he'd told Sirius. "Besides, Divination starts in ten minutes"

"And we really don't want to be late for that!" Sirius had replied sarcastically, but Remus ignored him.

So now, Sirius was sitting in one of professor Trelawney's most uncomfortable armchairs, feeling his headache getting worse by the second as his teacher went on and on about "casting yourself into the future". The smoky room was, as usual, filled with a strange smell of strong perfume that made Sirius dizzy and it didn't take long before his thoughts drifted off to James.

Transfiguration finished around half an hour ago, didn't Mc Gonagall had other lessons to attend to? Or, James had just decided to skip Divination and taken off somewhere else... The second option was definitely more likely and Sirius informed his friends of that when they were finally allowed to leave the classroom and headed towards the Great Hall for lunch.

"Well, he's not here" Remus stated once they'd sat down by the Gryffindor table and Peter asked, sounding worried:

"You don't think something's happened to him, do you?"

"Of course not" Remus replied, probably trying to calm Sirius down without succeeding. "What could possibly have happened?"

Sirius knew that Hogwarts was sometimes called the "safest place in the wizarding world" but he also knew that James was not one hundred percent stable at the moment. What if he lost his temper, started a fight with someone or...

Sirius stood up, leaving most of his lunch untouched. He already had an idea of where his best friend might be.

"I'll go look for him" he told his friends and Remus sighed.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, what if..."

"Remus, I've had enough of 'what if's lately!" Sirius interrupted him heatedly. "This time, I want real answers and I want the truth. And James is going to give it to me whether he wants to or not"

And then he left the Great Hall, silently hoping that he was right.

James

Even though the clear blue sky and the sun might trick people into thinking that the weather was warm, it really wasn't. James shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around himself, trying not to think so much as the freezing winds seemed to blow right through him and left him with a strange feeling of loneliness.

But of course, it was impossible not to.

With his eyes focused on the Black Lake's shore located only meters away, James thought that the whole thing was quite ironic. Mc Gonagall had asked him to start taking school more seriously, he'd promised he'd try and then skipped Divination the first chance he got. If she found out he was probably doomed. Still, he could come up with several good reasons why he didn't want to go.

First of all, he was still in a bad mood from the conversation he'd had with Mc Gonagall and he didn't want to take it out on his friends. None of this was their fault. Second, professor Trelawney was one of James' least favorite teachers and he'd continued taking her class only because it was the only subject where he and Sirius could make up the answers for their homework. Third, he didn't want people to ask him what Mc Gonagall had wanted.

"If you need to talk to someone..."

Out of pure anger James grabbed a rock lying beside him and threw it as hard as he could into the lake. It was only a matter of time before she'd declare him mental and take away his Head Boy badge. At least then Lily would be happy...

"Nice throw"

James didn't even jump at the sound of Sirius' voice and he didn't turn around. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he went looking for him at this particular place; they'd spent hours down here during the past couple of years whenever they felt like talking or just being alone. Sirius didn't say anything else, but went to sit down next to James on the ground.

"How did you know where I was?" James asked, even though he knew the answer to his own question and Sirius snorted.

"You're kidding, right?"

James didn't reply and for a moment they both just sat there, enjoying the view and the silence. Sirius was the first one to speak up:

"What did Mc Gonagall want?"

"She asked me to pay more attention in Transfiguration" James replied shortly, grabbing another rock. "And then she said that I might need to talk to someone..."

It was obvious to anyone how much he hated to even think about it and perhaps that's why it took Sirius a moment to figure out how to express himself. Then, he looked right at James and said, voice low:

"Well, maybe you do"

James' first thought was to just get up and leave, or at least yell at Sirius for being wrong. What did he know, anyway? But suddenly, exhaustion washed over him and he knew that there was no way he'd even manage to come up with a decent excuse or lie. For the moment, he was out of them. His voice trembled slightly as he asked his best friend:

"Great, so now you think I'm crazy, too?"

"You're not crazy" Sirius said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "But you've witnessed crazy things and unless you share it with someone it'll eat you up inside"

Another silence, and James knew where Sirius was trying to get. But it was impossible. If he'd tell, talk to and actually confide in someone that meant that he had to remember. He had to let the thoughts he spent so much time pushing to the back of his mind come forward and then, he'd definitely go crazy.

James kept his eyes on the lake.

"Do you think it hurts?" he asked absentmindedly, barely noticing the look of surprise on his friend's face. "Dying?"

When he didn't get a reply he added:

"I mean, that moment when it all just ends..."

"Why do you ask that?" Sirius interrupted him sharply.

James swallowed. This was it. If he continued now, he'd put words to something he'd never told anyone before. Was it worth it?

"Because I want to know exactly how much pain I caused. If it all went really quick or if they..."

He drifted off, couldn't bring himself to continue. Sirus looked at him incredulously.

"How much pain you caused?" he repeated. "You think it's your fault they died?"

For the first time, Sirius seemed to be the one at a loss for words. James couldn't bring himself to look at his friend and almost felt like he wasn't the one who spoke when the words left his mouth:

"I was there, wasn't I? It just... it all happened so fast..."

"Which is why you couldn't have done anything to prevent it" Sirius interrupted him firmly. "James, your parents were really skilled magicians, both of them. If they knew that you sat here, blaming yourself..."

"Well I do" James snapped, standing up abruptly and trying not to shiver as he wrapped his Gryffindor scarf tighter around his neck. "Perhaps if I'd paid more attention in Defence against the Dark Arts class or at least been a little quicker to react, they might still be alive"

Sirius stared at him, opened and closed his mouth several times but no words escaped his lips. James met his gaze and before he turned around to leave he finished, voice hard:

"And now I have to live with that. Puts everything else into perspective, doesn't it?"

Author's note: Wow, 51 reviews, 71 followers and 37 favorites! To me that's a whole lot and I'm so grateful to you all! Reviews really motivate me to keep writing and they'll definitely make me update quicker.

As you've probably noticed, this chapter is more of a filler even though there are many emotions involved. Still, I think Sirius managed to break through some of James' walls and that's always a good thing. There will be more Lily and Lily/James in the next chapter!

Please review and tell me what you think! :)