Previously on Participant:
"That's not the Mellark I was talking about."
"So who?"
"You, Catnip."
"But I'm not a Mellark," I protest.
"Yes, Katniss, you are. And it took me a long time to be okay with that."
oOo
Participant
By FanficAllergy
oOo
Chapter Seven
oOo
Over the next few days, Madge recovers at my mother's house.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Gale stays with her the whole time, sleeping in a chair next to her, a small desk set up in one corner where he can work while she recovers. He even brings her gifts to make her smile. Nothing big, just a flower from Iris's parents and a black stuffed bear from the furrier. But it's the intent that surprises me.
When Madge sees the bear, she smiles. "I hope you didn't let him overcharge you," she croaks out, her voice hoarse from screaming.
"Nah, I just reminded him of who I work for and the fact I know his store contains contraband." The grin he gives her is almost feral. "He was positively eager to sell this to me at a fair price."
"Good boy."
"I'm not your pet." His tone at odds with his words.
Madge raises her eyebrows. "Are you sure?"
Gale chuckles.
It's weird, seeing them banter like that. Like how I used to with both Gale and Madge. Like how I do now with Peeta. I suppose I'm happy Gale's moved on. I'm just confused as to when and why it happened.
That's not the only uncomfortable moment. Because of Gale's work obligations with Captain Miner, the woman often has to consult with him. Which can lead to tense situations.
The first time the Head Peacekeeper showed up, I wasn't there but Peeta was. He tells me about it later, so I almost feel like I was there myself.
Madge was understandably on edge, her face schooled to be neutral, but according to Peeta her eyes gave her away.
The Captain was quick to reassure her. "I hope you understand the consequences of your foolish actions, girl."
"I don't understand why what I did was so wrong," the Mayor's daughter said, her voice almost confrontational. "It's not like I was planning on running away."
I wince when Peeta repeats Madge's words. They're rebellious and not in the least bit contrite.
"I'm sure you weren't," Miner replied, refusing to rise to the bait. "However, any breach in the district's security fence can open up this district to the wild animals who roam just outside the fence. My Peacekeepers recently put down a pack of wild dogs who'd managed to weasel their way in by the mine entrance. I'm sure that the family of whatever child you got killed would be pleased to know you didn't mean any harm."
Madge flushed and refused to meet the Peacekeeper's eyes.
Peeta pauses to blow his nose. While he does, I wonder if a child actually was killed. I haven't heard anything, but I suspect the Peacekeepers would cover it up, insist on a closed casket ceremony, with the official cause of death listed as illness or accident. There've been several of those this winter. One only a few days ago.
When he finishes I ask, "Did Miner say someone actually got killed?"
Peeta shakes his head. "No, she didn't go into it more. She just kept talking about the fences."
"What'd she say?"
"I know you're young, and teenagers like to rebel. But those fences don't just exist to keep you in; they exist to keep dangerous creatures out." Miner paused, considering the girl. "Did you know that there aren't any fences around Districts Three and Five?"
Madge shook her head.
"They aren't necessary," Miner continued. "The Capitol doesn't need to prevent their citizens from leaving. They need to keep their citizens safe."
I stare at Peeta in shock as he repeats the speech back to me while we're on one of our walks and we can talk in private. "Do you think that's true?" I ask him. I remember the lack of fences but I didn't know the reason for them. "That there aren't dangerous animals down there they need to keep out?"
He shrugs. "No, but Miner does. They don't need to put fences around Three and Five. If someone runs, they'll die before they get someplace safe."
"You can't say that," I hiss, glancing around. The words are dangerous.
And Peeta knows it. "I shouldn't. It's too rebellious."
I nod.
"The thing is, Katniss," he cups my face between his hands, "they might be able to stop me from saying these things aloud. But they can't stop me from thinking them."
He touches his lips to mine and I surrender myself to his embrace. But I can't stop my mind from thinking: but they can stop him. They can kill Peeta, and that'd stop him from thinking anything.
oOo
After Peeta's statement, I make the decision to try to keep Peeta and Miner apart as much as possible. So when Peeta offers to sit with Madge, I quickly turn him down, offering to go in his stead. With Gale there, Miner's more likely to come by, and it's better if Peeta's nowhere near the known rebel, Madge. Snow wouldn't be happy if he thought they were colluding.
My husband gives me a confused look, but doesn't argue, for which I'm extremely grateful.
When I walk into my mother's house, Gale and Miner are sitting at a desk in the dining room, looking over large sheets of paper, discussing something in low tones. My hunch about Miner being there was right. I'm now doubly glad I made Peeta stay at home. Unsure if I should interrupt, I knock on the doorjamb.
Both sets of eyes turn to me.
"I'm just here to check on Madge." I glance at where the Mayor's daughter is sleeping on a small cot. Beside her is a table with several vials of morphling and a syringe. "I can leave if you guys are busy."
"That might be for the best, Mrs. Mellark," Miner says. "Mr. Hawthorne and I are in the critical final stages of something that could bring life and prosperity back to this district."
I tilt my head askance.
Miner's lips thin.
"I don't see the problem with telling her, Moira," Gale speaks up.
I'm surprised he's on a first name basis with the Head Peacekeeper.
The woman inclines her head, acknowledging Gale's words. "I suppose you have a point. After all, she'll find out about this soon enough."
"Find out about what?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.
Gale's eyes crinkle at the corners at my gesture. "We're working on plans for a new medicine production and research facility."
"Isn't that all done in the Capitol?" Medicine isn't any of the listed District specialities. Not like it matters much here in Twelve, most of our medicine comes from what we can forage.
"Most of it is," Miner agrees. "District Six is responsible for some morphling production, and District One manufactures designer prosthetics and implants."
"So what would we be focusing on here?"
"Cordelia Snow believes that District Twelve is the perfect environment for growing certain herbal supplements. In addition, there is a need for low-dose non-addictive painkillers to remove Panem's dependence on morphling."
I start at the name and remember Haymitch mentioned her. "That's a really big deal," I say, not sure how I'm supposed to react. I have no idea what an herbal supplement is, and the only painkiller I can think of that's made from plants is willowbark tea.
"I'm glad you understand, Mrs. Mellark. It is a big deal. But Twelve has demonstrated it is a loyal district, albeit a small one, which is why it is so critical that we cannot allow teenage rebellion to jeopardize this project." Her eyes flick to Madge and she presses her lips together again.
Time to change the subject. "How'd you get involved with this, Gale?"
Miner shifts her attention back to me. "Mr. Hawthorne thought of it." She gives him a small smile.
I want to ask more, but I get the sense my questions wouldn't be welcome. There's an air of camaraderie between Miner and my friend that makes me uncomfortable. I'd never thought Gale would be friendly with a Peacekeeper. Especially one so pro-Capitol like Miner. I need to get out of here.
Thankfully, Miner's earlier suggestion gives me an out. "I suppose I should let you get back to work," I say, falling back on my Effie-ingrained manners. "I don't want to keep you from something so important."
There's a flicker of something behind Gale's eyes but he doesn't comment on it. Instead, he says, "It's always good to see you, Katniss. I'll call you if there's any change."
There's something in the way he says it that makes me think he's not talking about Madge.
oOo
The phone rings a few hours later. I'd rather let it ring, but both Willow and Peeta are asleep in the drawing room. Our daughter's face is smooshed against my husband's chest with her legs pulled up under her. I know if Effie were here, she'd be snapping picture after picture. Instead, I sear the image into my memory. They both need all the sleep they can get, I don't want to wake them. I glare at the offending object for a moment before answering it.
Just like I'd suspected, it's Gale. He doesn't waste any time getting to the point. "You think you and Peeta could pop over for a spell?"
Peeta cracks an eye open and stares at me.
I mouth 'it's Gale' to him before answering, "Sure."
"Have Peeta take the kid to Delly's. I'll meet you outside." It's a command.
That's odd. Gale usually jumps at any chance to see his daughter. The fact that he wants her out of the way makes my heart beat a little faster. Something is wrong. Really wrong. He never calls Willow 'the kid'. It's always 'your daughter' or 'Willow.' This is too impersonal.
With an ever growing knot in my stomach, I do as Gale asks. Peeta doesn't ask any questions, but he's as concerned as I am.
A few minutes later, Gale and I meet on the back porch of my mother's house. "What's wrong?"
"Come walk with me," he says, placing a hand on my elbow, leading me away from the building and out into the open.
My trepidation grows. "Gale… what's this about?"
"I got some news today." His voice is low, almost inaudible. "From Five."
My heart sinks even more.
He glances around, trying to spot anyone listening in. "I didn't want Mellark to find out from me, but the Community Home there burned down. They said it was a terrorist, that they targeted the Home because of Peeta's connection to it."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" I explode.
Gale motions for me to keep my voice down. "Of course it doesn't. But that's the official word."
"Snow did this." There isn't any doubt in my mind.
"That sentence is dangerous." He says it in the same tone as if he were talking about the weather.
I also notice he doesn't try to correct me. "He's doing this to get back at Peeta." I know I'm pushing, but I can't keep the thought from slipping out.
"That sentence is dangerous too." Gale drops his eyes to regard me. There's a hardness in them that I don't expect. "We all need to be very careful about what we say and to who."
The words send a chill down my spine. "So why are you telling me this?"
"So that you can figure out a way to tell that husband of yours. It'd probably be for the best if it didn't come out of the blue from the wrong person."
Gale's not referring to himself. He's referring to Snow. The president would love to rub it in Peeta's face just how powerless my husband is. He'd love to watch Peeta struggle to maintain his composure. Snow's just waiting for my husband to step out of line so he can destroy him without igniting a rebellion.
"I don't think I'm the right person to tell him." I've already failed to keep Peeta in check. It doesn't matter that we were able to recover from his gaffe in Five. The damage was done. I always manage to say the exact wrong thing. It's a curse.
"Words aren't your strength, Catnip," Gale agrees. "But I figured you'd know who the right person would be."
I do.
It's Haymitch.
oOo
The grizzled mentor joins us for dinner, bringing a bottle of white liquor with him.
"What are we supposed to do with this?" I ask, eyeing it. There's a bow tied around it, like it's a gift.
"Well, sweetheart, most people drink it." He unscrews the top, flinging the ribbon onto the floor. "I figured we all could use some after the news we got."
Peeta looks up from where he's cutting apples for a pie. "What news?"
Haymitch looks back at me. "You didn't tell him? I thought you were gonna tell him."
"Of course I didn't tell him! That's what you're supposed to do!" When I'd talked to the mentor this afternoon, he'd seemed to understand what he needed to do. Yes, his hands were shaking, but he was coherent and alert.
"I was? Musta missed that. Ain't this a fine predicament." He takes a long pull from the bottle.
"Tell me what?" Peeta presses.
Haymitch sighs, snagging a cup from the tree on the counter and pouring a generous portion into it. "Sweetheart here heard from her old flame that Snow didn't take too kindly to your generosity."
"Are you sure we should be talking about this here?" I say, glancing around, remembering Gale's warnings. People are listening to everything that happens in the Victors' houses.
"Trust me, sweetheart, doesn't matter." He takes a drink, wiping his mouth on his shirt. "Snow already knows you know, and he's gonna assume that you're gonna tell loverboy here."
"Tell me what?" Peeta repeats, annoyed.
"The Community Home in Five burned down," I blurt out.
The knife in Peeta's hand clatters to the floor. He stares at the two of us in shock. "The kids?"
Haymitch shakes his head.
"How do you know?" I demand. That was something Gale didn't have the answer to.
"I got my sources. You don't really expect me to tell you that?" Haymitch asks, refilling his cup of white liquor.
Peeta scrubs at his face with his hands. "This is all my fault."
"I'm sure that's what he'd like you to think," Haymitch agrees, referring to Snow.
"Well he's right."
"No he isn't!" I slam my hands down on the countertop, causing several vegetables to fall to the floor from my cutting board. "None of this is your fault! None of it! And don't go saying you should've died in the Arena! I get enough of that from Prim. I don't need it from you. I don't need it from either of you!" I cross my arms over my chest and glare at the two men. I don't want to do anything stupid, like cry. I did enough of that while I was pregnant. I'll be damned if I'm gonna do it when I'm not.
Haymitch lets out a low chuckle and takes a drink. "Well now. Ain't she a feisty one? Forgot how much spirit ya had, sweetheart. You been a scared little bird ever since our meetin' with Snow. Nice to see the real you again."
"Go fuck yourself." I'm sick of people telling me how to act.
If anything, my words make Haymitch laugh even more. "Mmmm, I see Johanna's been rubbin' off on you." He sobers. "Be careful. You don't wanna end up like us used up old Victors."
I flush. I know Johanna doesn't have any family. She's mentioned it in passing a few times. And I know the same's true for Haymitch.
It's a warning.
"Sorry," I mutter.
Peeta's been watching us the whole time, a frown on his face. "Why didn't you say anything to me, Katniss?"
I freeze.
I don't want to admit I was scared of how Peeta would react. I don't want to admit I didn't know how to say the words. That would be almost like admitting I didn't trust him, except now Haymitch has screwed things up and Peeta knows. "I… I…"
"Sweetheart here expected me to tell you."
"I got that. The question is why."
"You'd have to ask her."
"I am. Why, Katniss?" he pleads with me. "Why didn't you tell me?" Every part of him exudes hurt. I want to hold him and make it all better. Except I'm the one who caused the hurt in the first place.
Deciding the truth is the best way to go, I take a deep breath. "I was scared."
"Of what? Me?"
I flinch. I'm not, but… the words stick in my throat.
"That's just it! You're scared of me. I'm a monster! I've killed. I'm maimed." He holds up his ruined hand. "I'm like that beast in the fairytale, forcing you to stay with me against your will."
"That's not-" I try to protest but Peeta cuts me off.
"You don't need to say anything. Your face says it all. It's true. I know it's true." Peeta glares over at Haymitch. "Thanks for coming for dinner, but I'm not really hungry." He storms off, leaving Haymitch and me to stare after him.
"Well that didn't go well," Haymitch remarks.
No. It didn't.
oOo
I send Haymitch home with a sandwich and a bowl of soup. It's the least I can do. As much as I want to blame the former Victor for this mess, I know I'm the one responsible. And I'm the only one who can fix it.
Trying to come up with a plan, I walk upstairs to the nursery where I'm sure Peeta is hiding. He doesn't have a lot of places where he feels safe. I often find him holding our daughter when he needs moments of clarity. Just like the woods are a sanctuary for me, the nursery is the same for Peeta.
And my instincts are proven right now.
Our four and a half month old daughter is nestled in his arms. She's smiling her gummy smile up at him, her hands reaching out to try to grasp at his eyelashes. Peeta's got the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. It's no wonder Willow is fascinated with them.
"I'm sorry." The words slip out before I can even think.
"Yeah, well, you're not the only one."
I try to remember the carefully rehearsed speech I'd practiced into the mirror only a few minutes before. I can't. My mind's gone blank. I stare at my feet, babbling like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "I didn't know how to tell you. I'm so bad with words. I always say the wrong thing. I was scared you'd…"
"I'd do what?" his voice cuts through my explanation.
I lift my eyes to meet his. "Blame yourself."
"Of course I'm gonna blame myself!" He gets to his feet and places Willow in her crib. The little girl immediately starts wailing, her pudgy little arms reaching out to her father. Peeta strokes one hand over her dark hair, before turning back to me. "It's my fault those kids are dead! I'm the one who made that promise. I'm the one who defied Snow. I killed them, Katniss." He clenches his hands into fists. "As sure as I slit their throats, I killed them! Their deaths are on me."
"No! No!" I take a step forward, my hands outstretched. "That's just what Snow wants you to think! He's doing this to break you!"
"It's working."
"You can't let it! I need you, Peeta. We need you."
His eyes flick over to Willow, then back to me. "No one needs me, Katniss." He tries to push past me but I block his way.
I reach up, cupping my hands around his face. "Don't say that. I need you." I place a gentle kiss on his mouth. "We need you." I hope, if I repeat the words enough times, they'll sink in.
When I pull back, tears glitter in his eyes. "Thank you for saying that, but you don't need to lie to me anymore."
Before I can manage to say another word, he slips out the door and down the hall.
I stare at the door, wanting to chase after him, but my daughter's wails become more insistent.
Tonight.
Tonight I'll make him understand.
Once Willow's asleep, I'll make sure he knows just how much he's needed.
oOo
Peeta doesn't come to bed that night. I wait for him for hours before slipping out from under the covers.
Tying a robe over my thin nightgown, I begin my search. He's not in any of the extra bedrooms. I move downstairs, my feet sliding over the cold floors. I wish I'd remembered my slippers, but I don't want to deviate from my quest.
Eventually, I find him passed out in the drawing room, Haymitch's bottle of white liquor next to him on the couch.
I sigh, covering him with a blanket.
I'll tell him tomorrow.
Tomorrow, everything will go back to normal.
I hope.
oOo
AN:
Written: 12/11/15
Revised: 8/14/16
Revised 2: 8/19/16
Betaread by: ForFutureReference & RoseFyre
Sorry about the delay. Life has kind of been crazy and I haven't been as inspired to write. A lot of this can be traced back to January and some very hateful bullying and harassment I received on tumblr. My love of Everlark is still strong, I just needed a break from the fandom. Especially people who feel it's okay to tell others that they should kill themselves.
I ended up deleting my tumblr and it was the right decision. RoseFyre has been a rock throughout this. Any stories that have been updated/published during this time are entirely due to her. Also if you haven't told the ladies who run EverlarkFicQuestions that they are wonderful, amazing, and lovely people, you should. You do not know the amount of crap they get and how much work they do.
I am committed to finishing this story. It just may take time. Rose and I are working on transitioning to original works and I have accepted a very labor intense position with Anime Boston.
I also need another beta for this story. My amazing beta, AmelinaZenitram, has been eaten by real life and Rose and I are saving her for something else we're working on. What I'm looking for is someone who is willing to be harsh and comment on story, writing style, and consistency as well as spelling/grammar. Do not worry about being too harsh. If you're interested, shoot me a PM either here or on HGOneShotRecs on tumblr (I'm one of the three mods there). Thanks!
My readers are the reason I will not abandon this story. Your reviews and feedback have bolstered me through this tough time.
Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!