Faith and Doubt

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now"

Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble

"I'm telling you, someone attacked me!"

James silently hoped it showed on his face how furious he was but even if it did, Madam Pomfrey still pretended like she didn't hear him. She just kept dabbing his forehead with some piece of wet fabric and said:

"There you go dear, just try and relax now... Why don't you go to sleep for a while?"

"I'm not tired" James snapped, knowing that it was a lie.

Ever since he'd woken up and found himself on a bed in the Hospital Wing ten minutes earlier the thoughts had kept spinning through his head, and no matter how much he tried to figure it all out it just didn't make any sense.

Maybe it's them. Maybe they wanted to finish what they started.

James felt sick. No, he told himself firmly and hoped that Madam Pomfrey wouldn't see how upset he was. It can't be. If they'd wanted me dead they would have done it this summer.

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard the door leading into the Hospital Wing open and even though Madam Pomfrey's figure was blocking his view, he could still hear Sirius' upset voice:

"I knew we shouldn't have let him wander off on his own! Why is it that he always ends up in trouble?!"

James couldn't help smirking when he saw the displeased look on Madam Pomfrey's face, even though it was a bit annoying that Sirius talked about him like some disabled child. The nurse gave the marauders a nasty glance and said:

"Ten minutes! My patients need their rest..."

James rolled his eyes and sighed heavily, just as Sirius and the others reached his bed.

"I said I'm fine now! Can I just go back to my room and..."

Madam Pomfrey interrupted him with a snort so loud he was sure it'd carry through the entire castle had not the door leading into the Hospital Wing been closed.

"Absolutely not! Do you really think I'd let you leave when you were found unconscious only minutes ago boy?! Who knows if it'll happen again?"

She continued to dab James' forehead while muttering:

"Letting students wander off like that on their own... Madness, if you want my opinion... What if Hagrid hadn't found you?"

"Well he did, didn't he?" James was beginning to lose the little of his patience he still had left and after what felt like an eternity Madam Pomfrey finally stepped back.

James couldn't help feeling extremely uncomfortable when she continued to scrutinize him with a concerned look on her face.

"Have you been eating and drinking properly lately, Potter? Ever fainted like that before? Any illness I should be aware of?"

He stared back at her in disbelief and opened and closed his mouth several times, afraid that he'd say something way too nasty for the nurse's liking. He felt like yelling at her, holding up a sign saying: "I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!" or just drink some Veritaserum so she'd know he wasn't lying. Why was that so hard to believe? James dropped Madam Pomfrey's gaze.

"Just tell me when I can leave here" he finally said and for a second he was sure that she'd oppose, but after a short while she just walked away in silence.

"Was that really necessary?" Remus asked quietly and the second James turned to look at him one could tell that he regretted his own words.

"What do you mean?"

Don't lose it, he told himself again and again. Stay calm. It's their problem if they don't believe you.

"She's trying to help you..." Remus started but James interrupted him, raising his voice slightly:

"Yeah, I can tell!" His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "She won't even believe me when I tell her what happened!"

Sirius stole a glance at Madam Pomfrey who was taking care of a fourth year girl further down the room and then sat down on the edge of his best friend's bed, leaning slightly closer to him when mumbling:

"Well, what did happen? You said you were going back to school to finish some homework and then we hear from Mc Gonagall that Hagrid's found you, lying unconscious..."

"I was attacked"

It was weird how James had wanted to make people see the truth all along, but now that he actually spoke the words out loud to his friends he almost regretted it. He could see how Sirius and Remus exchanged a quick glance before Sirius turned to stare at him.

"Attacked?" he repeated. "By who?"

"I don't know, I didn't see their face"

There was a short silence and James tried his best to avoid his friends' gazes. He knew he couldn't stand the disbelief in their eyes and he still felt like he was on the verge of exploding. The anger, confusion and fear were all too much to handle.

"But... What do you mean someone 'attacked' you?" Remus finally asked. "Did they jump at you or..."

James shook his head.

"I just... I heard something, like a twig breaking. The last thing I remember is a jet of red light"

"Like a stunning spell?"

James nodded silently, thinking that this was all like a second nightmare in the one he already spent every day in. As if he didn't have enough problems already...

"Probably. Hagrid found me below a tree so I guess I crashed right into it, that's what made me faint"

It was obvious how the three marauders had no idea what to respond to this new piece of information. Sirius looked shocked, Remus doubtful and Peter just nervous, as always. James knew that his story had its flaws and that it was all very unlikely, but definitely not impossible. He knew he wasn't able to hide the look of hurt and betrayal on his face when he coldly stated:

"You don't believe me"

Another quick glance that they didn't think he noticed was exchanged.

"No, James we..." Remus started but was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey's stern voice:

"I'm afraid your ten minutes are over, mr Lupin. You and your friends will have to leave now"

"But..." Sirius objected right as the door leading into the Hospital Wing opened again.

Professor Mc Gonagall entered, followed closely by Hagrid. James could tell from where he was lying that they both wore grim face expressions, which was quite unusual on Hagrid's part... Luckily, this seemed to be the end of the nurse's shouting for she simply muttered:

"Minerva, I was just telling Potter's friends that my patiens need their rest..."

"Oh I won't be long, Poppy" Mc Gonagall interrupted her and she and Hagrid both made their way over to James' bed, the latter taking up so much place James could no longer look out the windows on the other end of the room.

It was quite a funny sight, but he was in no mood for laughing. Actually, he had a feeling that this was the very last thing he needed, considering the fact that Mc Gonagall already worried about him. Would she even belive him if he told her the truth?

"How are you feeling Potter?"

James hurried to sit up in bed, trying his best to look more alert than he actually felt.

"I'm fine. Can you convince her to let me leave?"

He nodded towards Madam Pomfrey and could see how Remus rolled his eyes, probably thinking that it was so like James to never be able to just lie down and relax for longer than a minute. Apparently, Mc Gonagall wasn't too impressed by his words, either.

"I'm afraid I can't do that" she replied, pressing her lips into a thin line.

"But you're my head of house!" James exclaimed, feeling more annoyed by the second. "What if you just tell her that..."

"I have no reason to tell her that you're free to go, Potter" Mc Gonagall replied, her voice slightly harsh. "Though I must admit I'd really like to know why Hagrid had to bring you here in the first place"

There was a short silence and James pressed his lips hard together, forcing himself not to look away from his Transfiguration teacher's intense gaze as he thought about what to say. It would be so much easier to just lie, to say that he'd probably just had too little to eat for breakfast combined with lack of sleep or something. Because that's probably what she wanted to hear.

That's what they all wanted to hear. But he'd already told his friends the truth...

"Someone shot a stunning spell at me"

Mc Gonagall raised her eyebrows skeptically and James cursed silently to himself. No surprise there...

"A stunning spell? In Hogsmeade?" she finally asked. "Mr Potter, are you sure..."

Once again, James was on the verge of losing it and threw a nasty glance at Sirius and Remus.

"Why don't you two pair up with her?" he asked them, nodding towards Mc Gonagall.

Sirius sighed, looking at him in a way that only made him feel even more frustrated. They all behaved like he was an immature, stubborn child...

"We didn't say we don't believe you..." his friend started.

"Really? 'Cause if you do you have a funny way of showing it"

Another silence. James snorted and then turned to glare at the bed on his right, just so he wouldn't have to meet anyone's gaze. He tried his best to ignore the odd and worried looks his friends still gave him. Mc Gonagall continued:

"Potter, it seems very unlikely that someone would..."

"I DON'T CARE WHETHER IT'S LIKELY OR NOT!"

He was on the verge of losing it. Completely. He'd had enough of people treating him like he was made of glass. Like an idiot and like someone who couldn't even take care of himself anymore.

"I'm just telling you what I saw"

James had lowered his voice again, feeling slightly sorry for the other patients in the Hospital Wing. He hadn't meant to cause such a scene... Mc Gonagall sighed heavily and apparently, Madam Pomfrey was keen on stopping the discussion from going any further.

"Were you followed by someone?" Mc Gonagall asked, looking at James intently. "Someone who could have attacked you from behind?

He shook his head slowly.

"I just heard a twig break, then I saw a jet of red light and the next thing I know I wake up here"

He was getting tired. Tired of the repeating the same story over and over again and tired of feeling angry and confused. Tired of everything. To his great relief, Mc Gonagall simply accepted his answer by nodding shortly.

"Very well, if that's all you remember I guess there's not much we can do to find the culprit at the moment. I'll talk to professor Dumbledore about it, though. I assume you'll want to keep him here, Poppy?

She turned to look at Madam Pomfrey who nodded feverishly.

"Absolutely. That boy is not going anywhere until I've made sure he's in perfect health"

It was almost ironic. He hadn't been in "perfect health" for months now...

Together, Mc Gonagall and Madam Pomfrey convinced Sirius, Remus and Peter to leave, but promised that they'd be allowed to visit the first thing the next day. James felt slightly bad for realizing that he actually wanted them to leave. He wasn't sure how much more he could take at the moment and he needed time to think.

Once the three marauders had left, the Hospital Wing fell almost uncomfortably silent again and James locked his gaze with Hagrid's for the first time.

"Thank you for getting me here, Hagrid" he said, hoping the gamekeeper would know how grateful he was even though his smile felt fake.

"It's nothin'" Hagrid muttered and before leaving he added:

"Get well soon"

James nodded, feeling exhausation wash over him right as Madam Pomfrey handed him a glass filled with a strange looking, clear blue liquid.

"Sleeping potion" she explained shortly when noticing the suspicious look on his face. "Finish all of it. You must be exhausted"

And for once, James didn't have the strength to object.

James

"Son, please trust us on this one. Listen to your mother and apparate to your aunt's house"

James' father's voice was so low it was hard to make out the words at first but when looking into his eyes James realized just how bad things were. His father never seemed afraid, defeated or even sad. But he did now. In fact, he looked almost heartbroken.

"We love you"

James stared right back at his parents and exclaimed, wand clutched in his right hand:

"Which is why I'm not leaving! I'm out of age and I can handle whatever..."

Suddenly, there was a loud sound coming from the other side of the front door, almost like a violent knock. James' mother turned around sharply and her eyes widened with fear before she whispered to her husband and son:

"It's too late"

James furrowed, feeling how his heart started to beat faster.

"What do you mean 'it's too late'? What's happeni..."

But he was interrupted by a sound so loud he was about to cover his ears, and then the front door burst open. Standing in the doorway were two black-hooded tall figures he'd never seen before and even though their faces were covered with masks it was easy to make out their cold, humourless laughs.

"I knew we'd find you eventually"

The death eater's voice was male and yet soft and the only thing James could think about was how much he seemed to enjoy this. And how his parents both looked like they were suddenly unable to move. Still, his dad looked right back at the two strangers and said:

"We'll do whatever you want. Just please spare our son, he has nothing to do with this"

James had never felt more confused in his entire life. There were so many questions he wanted to ask and still, no words escaped his lips. When he met his mother's gaze again he realized that "confused" was not enough. He was terrified.

The other death eater, female this time, laughed loudly.

"You're in no position to negotiate, Potter"

And then she raised her wand.

As James woke up he found himself screaming out loud, something that hadn't happened in quite a long time. But then again, it was really bad this time. Like it all happened again... He tried to take a deep breath but his lungs made sounds as if he'd just been out running several kilometers.

It was just a nightmare, he told himself like he always did before the other voice inside his head took over:

But it happened. It all happened.

James opened his eyes, simply because he hoped it'd be easier to forget that way. As he looked around the Hospital Wing he realized that he must have slept through the night; it was light outside and the sun seemed to be on the verge of breaking through the clouds. He looked at his watch. Ten o' clock.

Then, he found himself staring right into a pair of green eyes that he could have recognized anywhere. She was standing right in front of his bed, eyeing him worriedly.

"Lily?"

At his word, her eyes widened slightly and she jumped back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up!" Lily said, taking another few steps away from his bed.

James slowly sat up, feeling quite embarrassed by the whole thing. Here he was, in a bed in the Hospital Wing, probably all sweaty and horrible looking... Lying down would only make him seem even weaker.

"You didn't" He wiped some sweat off his forehead. "Bad dream"

Lily nodded slightly and pressed her lips together before mumbling:

"I heard what happened. Sirius told Amelia"

James was on the verge of asking exactly what Sirius had told Amelia Bones, seeing as he barely seemed to believe James when he told him what had happened. However, he got the answer to his question a few seconds later when Lily continued:

"It's scary. I mean, I must have been talking to you only minutes before it happened, right? Maybe I saw the person who did it. Who do you think it w..."

"I have no idea"

James' voice was harsher than he'd intended it to be and he didn't know why, but he was suddenly starting to feel annoyed. Not with Lily herself, but with the whole situation. She kept asking questions he didn't have the answers to and when thinking about that, he could literally feel the panic spread. What if they tried again? He hadn't imagined all this...

At his words, Lily fell completely silent. James couldn't help feeling extremely stupid and grimaced as his headache from earlier returned with full force. He'd probably hit that tree quite hard and hopefully, Madam Pomfrey had some painkillers...

"Does it hurt a lot?" Lily frowned at him. "Do you want me to go get Madam Pomfrey?"

"What are you doing here, Evans?"

He had to ask. He couldn't keep this up and talk to her like they were friends. It hurt too much to think that she'd go back to hating him as soon as she realized that he was in no mortal danger. What had happened in Hogsmeade the day before would never happen again, and that was that.

Lily looked surprised.

"What do you mean?"

James sighed tiredly. He needed those painkillers...

"Why are you here?" he repeated. "Why pretend like you care?"

"I am not pretending anything!"

She was angry now and he usually hated to upset her. But right now, James didn't care. At least he'd been honest with her and at least he'd asked her the only question he really wanted and needed the answer to. Perhaps he was being too hard on her but no matter how much he tried he couldn't ignore the anger from before that suddenly set in again.

The look of doubt on Mc Gonagall's face. Madam Pomfrey ignoring him when he'd tried to tell her what happened. Sirius and Remus exchanging confused glances. It was all signs of doubt and disbelief and he hated it.

His thoughts were interrupted as Lily snarled:

"I was here visiting Rebecca because she has a terrible cold, and right as she fell asleep you woke up screaming. Do you really expect me to just get up and leave?"

James looked straight at her and the word left his mouth before he had time to stop it:

"Yes"

It was the truth and he knew it.

He did expect Lily to leave because she had no reason to stay. She had never cared for him before or showed even the slightest interest whenever he'd had to spend time in the Hospital Wing due to quidditch injuries. So why now?

Because she feels sorry for you. Just like Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mc Gonagall and everybody else...

Lily just glared back at him.

"You're wrong" she said cooly. "I wouldn't do that, Potter. Not even to you"

"Well that's great" James snapped back, feeling like he was barely controlling his own emotions anymore. "Because I've had enough people feeling sorry for me to last a lifetime"

Lily just shook her head in disbelief and James felt like his whole soul split in two when he, for a mere second, could have sworn that he saw hurt in her eyes. However, it didn't take long before she put on her mask again and crossed her arms before hissing:

"You know what, I was an idiot to think that you'd actually changed. It's obvious to anyone that you still think the whole world revolves around you"

Before James had time to respond she'd turned around and stormed across the room. It wasn't until she'd almost reached the door that he regained his ability to speak.

"I don't think that!" he called angrily after her.

But his head started throbbing painfully and he lay back down, cursing under his breath as he heard the sound of Lily slamming the door shut behind her.

Lily

"I just can't believe him!"

Lily was pacing back and forth in front of the tree Alice was leaning against, gesitulacing with her hands as she spoke only to demonstrate how furious she was. Her friend sighed heavily and put down her Potions textbook.

"I assume we're still talking about James?"

"Don't call him that!" Lily snapped. "It makes it sound as if you know him, as if we're all friends or something..."

"Well, aren't you?" There was a sound of triumph in Alice's voice and Lily didn't like it one bit. "You two seemed to be having the time of your lives in Hogsmeade only yesterday..."

"That's not true and you know it"

Lily sat down next to her friend on the grass, only to stand up again a second later. Usually, this spot down by the lake was a place where she could always think and relax. But not today. Today, the conversation she and James had had only hours earlier made everything but sense and she didn't exactly feel calm and rational. She was angry.

"You know, back in Hogsmeade I discovered that one can actually talk to him without wanting to rip his head off!"

"And?" Alice urged, obviously wishing for Lily to continue.

Glad to let it all out, she did:

"And then, when I'm just trying to be nice to him by asking if he's all right, he simply cuts me off and asks me to stop pretending like I care! I always knew he was mental but now it's obvious for anyone to see! Does he really think that I'm so cold-hearted I'd just ignore him when he lies there, screaming for his life and..."

"So you do care?"

Alice had slammed her book shut now and was staring at Lily intently, a mix of confusion and amusement on her face. Lily, hating how her cheeks suddenly reddened slightly, asked:

"What do you mean?"

"You're furious because he thought you pretended like you care. That means, unless I'm entirely mistaken, that you actually do"

The two girls remained silent for what felt like a really long time, Alice's eyes never leaving Lily's face. Eventually, the latter mumbled:

"I just don't understand why he was being so rude to me. It's like... Like he was this completely different person who was just angry with everyone and everything"

"Well, that wouldn't be too shocking" Alice said, shrugging slightly. "I talked to Frank about it and apparently, Sirius and the others seem to doubt James' story"

Lily snorted loudly.

"And they're supposed to be his best friends"

There was another silence, even longer this time. Lily crossed her arms and took a few steps towards the lake, closing her eyes as the cold November wind hit her face. She tried her best at shutting all her emotions off but knew immediately that she wouldn't succeed. The scene from earlier went on repeat in her head and she had so many questions she wanted answers to. It was one thing if he was angry with his friends for not believing him, but why was he mean to her?

What had she done?

It hurt when she thought about what a nice time they'd had in Hogsmeade. What had changed since then?

Without turning around to look at Alice, Lily spoke the words:

"I believed him. But I guess he doesn't care about that, either"

Slowly, Alice folded her hands together in her lap and the second she opened her mouth Lily knew she was going to say one of those smart Alice-things that one couldn't easily disagree with.

"What I don't understand is why any of this is even important to you" she stated calmly, causing Lily to swallow. "Surely you haven't come to care for James Potter?"

Who was this new James Potter, really? Obviously, there were two sides of him... And what had she done to deserve his annoyance and fury?

"It's not important" Lily finally said, voice so low it must have been hard for her friend to make out her words. "I'm just mad at him. As always"

Alice nodded slowly and after a short while she stood up, grabbing her bag and Potions textbook that laid on the ground next to her.

"We should head back to the castle" she said. "Charms starts in ten minutes"

Lily sighed heavily and was just about to grab her own bag, and follow her friend, when Alice turned around to face her and said:

"And for the record, I doubt that he thinks you're cold-hearted. I think he still feels the very opposite, and that's the problem"

Author's note: THANK YOU for your response on the latest chapter, I am so happy that so many of you seem to like this story so far! :) I had planned for a lot more to happen in this chapter but I didn't want it to get too long, so it'll have to wait. Then, there will also be more written from Lily's point of view.

By now I guess you already know that reviews make my day!