Chapter Seven:

"So, what is it about this fantasy that's so…" I pause, struggling to find the right word. Talking to Alex isn't usually so difficult, but I want to be careful. "Appealing to you?"

Alex brushes aside the shining curtain of her hair hanging beside her cheek. She's wearing it loose today, and something about the way she looks without her usual tight bun makes me want to bury my face in the soft strands and breathe in. Traces of her shampoo always linger there. "I don't blame you for being confused," she says. "Sometimes, I still don't understand it myself."

She's right. I am confused. It's been a week since I took her over the kitchen table, and remembering what we did - what I did - always leaves me torn between arousal and guilt. I keep reminding myself that everything we shared was consensual, but that only twists it around worse in my head. It's hard for me to see the lines Huang was talking about.

"Try," I say, shifting a little closer to Alex on the couch. The movie we're watching is still playing, but neither of us are paying attention anymore. "Try explaining it to me. I want to understand." Not just for Alex's sake, but for mine.

Alex sighs. Her thigh is pressed tight against mine, but her eyes are a little fearful. I let my hand rest above her knee, trying to offer her some reassurance. "I'm not sure I can, Liv. It's difficult to put into words. Or maybe I'm just a stereotype… You know, the type-A, overworked career man that visits a Dominatrix behind his wife's back."

I roll my eyes at her. "Alex… absolutely none of those things describe you. You're trying to deflect my question." She looks a little hurt, so I reach out and stroke the side of her cheek with the back of my hand. A few strands of hair tickle my wrist. "I'm not going to judge you. I'm still here, aren't I?"

Alex's lips pull into a soft smile. "You are still here, Liv. And that means more to me than I can say." She takes my hand in hers and brings it to her lips, kissing my knuckles before she sets it back on top of her thigh. "It's all about power, I guess. Every aspect of my sexuality is centered around power. I don't know why, but feeling powerless for a little while makes me feel strong afterwards."

Looking back, I can see that she's right. Everything she enjoys the most has something to do with power. Being tied up, being given orders, even asking me to wear the cock. It seems so obvious now that she's said it. I don't know how I missed the common thread before. I shift on my side of the couch, unsure what to say. I like the things she asks me to do for her, probably more than I should.

"My fantasies about…" She only hesitates for a split second. I doubt anyone else listening would have picked up on it. "...rape are just an extension of everything else. Rape is about power. About control."

"About hurting someone else," I add before I can stop myself.

Alex looks hurt for a moment, but she recovers quickly. "Yes. And that's why no one in their right mind would actually want to be raped. In my fantasy, I can choose my rapist. Her gender, her appearance, what is and isn't going to happen. In a strange way, I'm the one with the power."

It makes more sense than I expected, but I'm still not satisfied. "I get why you like surrendering control to someone else. But don't we do that already? I tie you up. I fuck you with the cock-"

"And I really enjoy it when you do," she says, placing her hand over mine. Her thumb slides along the side of my palm, turning it over so she can lace our fingers together. "You always make me feel wonderful, Liv."

"So, what does pretending you're being raped do for you that regular rough sex doesn't?"

Alex lowers her eyes a little, and her cheeks flush. "There's more to it than just power. I like the complete loss of control. The humiliation. The idea that someone… that you…" My heart beats faster when she says the word 'you'. "Are ripping pleasure from me, possessing me, controlling my body and forcing me to come while I'm so vulnerable…" She stops, and I can see the shudder that courses through her body. "It makes me feel a little sick, but that's probably the part that arouses me the most."

I try to imagine what she's saying. To picture myself pinning her wrists down and pushing inside of her. To remember how it feels when she squeezes impossibly tight around me and screams beside my ear as a flood of warmth runs between us. I wonder just how different that blissful moment would be if I let her say 'no' a few times first. As long as we used a safe word…

I pull my hand away from hers. It's too much. Too fast. But I can't ignore the sudden pressure between my legs either. This time, I'm the one that shudders. Alex notices, and the blush at the points of her cheeks spreads down to her neck, creeping along her collarbone. "I'm sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have said-"

"It's okay," I mumble. "This just… doesn't sound much like the rape we deal with at work anymore."

Alex studies me for a long moment. I recognize the expression on her face. It's the one she gets when she's about to lay out her argument, persuade someone to see things from her point of view. "Liv, when we make love, no matter how we do it, whose pleasure do you focus on first?"

I picture us a little under a week ago, remember Alex's lean body arching and writhing on the couch with my head buried between her legs. "Yours, but…"

"Exactly. And I know you always will. You're almost worshipful with me. But sometimes, being the focus of so much attention can be a little exhausting. This fantasy lets me escape. I don't have to perform. I can imagine I'm a vessel for someone else's need for a while, and my own needs don't matter." She gives me a small, hopeful smile that makes my chest ache. "But really, that's the opposite of what's happening. When I surrender to your desires, I'm free to surrender to mine. When you take control of me, you set me free."

My heart cracks. I want to draw her into my arms, hold her, and never let go. So I do. I pull her against my chest, running my hand down the center of her back to keep her close. She tucks her face into my shoulder, and I feel the softness of her mouth graze my neck. "I love you," I whisper, inhaling the sweet smell of her hair. I'm still not sure if I understand Alex completely, but I'm overwhelmed by her confession.

"I know." Her breath is hot against my throat. My pulse flares beneath her lips. "I love you, too."

It feels so good to hold Alex in my arms that we settle on the couch that way. I lie on my side and let her curl in to me as the credits of the movie scroll across the television screen. I don't even care that we missed the ending. "I guess I was worried I wouldn't be able to tell the difference," I tell her at last.

"Between real rape and my fantasy?" she asks. I nod. "There's an incredible difference, Liv. That's what I was trying to remind myself of when I read through Poletti's stories."

"And? Did it help?"

A smile brightens Alex's face. "No. You did."

At first, I don't understand. "Me? How did I help?"

"You stayed. You listened. You talked with me. I guess my arguments sound more convincing when I'm using them on someone else instead of running through them over and over again in my head." I laugh. Even when she's at home with me, she can't stop being a lawyer. She's already convinced me, but I don't tell her yet. I need more time. I'm still not sure what to do with my new understanding of her.

"But there's really no comparing us," she continues. "Poletti wants to hurt people. I want someone to pretend with me. Someone I trust. Someone who will stop the moment I ask." She looks up at me through the golden haze of her eyelashes, and her eyes are so clear that I can see myself reflected in them. They are startlingly blue, and so full of love that it almost hurts to look at them. "Someone like you."

Someone like me. Alex wants someone like me. Instead of being terrified, I'm touched. I don't know if I want to do this. I don't know if I can do this. It's very likely I shouldn't do this. With my baggage, something could easily go wrong. But Alex isn't afraid of me. She trusts me, and she's shown that trust through every one of her actions. Knowing that she trusts me makes me trust myself, too.

. . .

AN: Yo! To all of you who have bought and enjoyed the e-book version of Dark Horizons (links on my profile)... Thank you. =D The support is much appreciated. And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, it had better be because the gorgeous cover will look even better on a physical copy. ;D Expect them very soon. If you follow me on facebook, I'll let you know exactly when, and you can see a photo of what the book will look like. Also, The Second Sister is coming out April 1st! So get ready.