Coming Home

"Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moved the lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes"

The Cure - Just Like Heaven

Considering everything that had happened in the past, it was not easy for Lily to admit that James had handled this term's last prefect meeting surprisingly well. He seemed to have listened intently to everything she had to say and he even came up with some suggestions of his own when they started discussing the patrolling schedule. To say she was surprised, not to mention shocked, was an understatement. It was all proof of what she'd been guessing ever since the snowball fight a while ago: James was feeling better.

The two of them stayed behind once the prefects had all wished them a merry Christmas and exited the classroom and Lily felt like she ought to say something, anything, to let him know how happy she was for him.

"This went well"

God, she sounded like someone who could never just swallow her pride and admit that someone else had actually done a great job. Hopefully, Potter would understand anyway. He was not stupid, after all...

"Yeah..." James said, packing his things together. "It's a good thing Smith knew how to keep his mouth shut"

"It's a good thing Dumbledore didn't make a mistake, making you Head Boy"

Lily didn't know why she said it, but when she saw the look on James' face she knew it was the right thing to do. He looked pleased, happy even. She gave him a brief smile and, thinking that talking to James wasn't so bad after all, added:

"It'll be nice going home, don't you think?"

James

Lily's question surprised him, and he was shocked that she wanted to speak to him at all when she didn't have to. Once he'd taken in in her actual words, he remembered all the previous Christmases that he'd spent with his parents. Each year his mother had insisted upon buying a huge Christmas tree; it was almost as big as the ones at Hogwarts. Each year James was just as excited about exchanging gifts and each year he was reminded of the importance of spending the holidays with your family. To him, Christmas had always been one of the best times of the year.

Now it only made all the bad things seem worse.

Because this year none of his parents would be there. He wouldn't be able to give them anything and he wouldn't get anything in return. This year, James would not spend Christmas with the two people he loved the very most and as far as he was concerned he didn't need a Christmas tree or anything else that reminded him of how things used to be.

"Yeah..." he finally said, having almost forgotten that Lily was still in the room and waited for him to say something. "Yeah, it'll be great"

Lily

Lily didn't join James when he decided to head back to their common room. She needed to borrow a book in the library that she was desperate to read during the holidays. Lily knew that the old James would snort or even laugh at that excuse, but now he merely shrugged and waved at her before he disappeared around the corner.

Without really knowing why, Lily sighed heavily. Surely, he had not always been this hard to figure out? And naturally, she didn't want him to care. She didn't want him to try and convince her to come with him and forget about the library. She didn't want James to be interested in her. Right?

No, Lily told herself. No, no and no.

She hadn't walked very far before a door on her right opened and she jumped at the sound. The corridor was dark and she was the only person there. Without her wand out it was hard to tell who the newcomer was...

"Miss Evans! A moment, please"

Lily relaxed slightly, but couldn't help furrowing, when she realized that it was professor Mc Gonagall speaking. She slowly made her way towards the door that stood ajar and peaked inside. Without realizing it, she'd walked right past the Transfiguration teacher's office. Lily had never been there before. She had never been much of a pranker and had always cared about her studies. Therefore, Mc Gonagall had never had a reason to summon her.

I bet Potter and Black have been in here so many times Mc Gonagall has lost count, Lily thought to herself whilst she sat down on a chair that her head of house had just conjured out of thin air. Mc Gonagall herself was now seated behind her desk and eyed Lily, who suddenly felt like a criminal, carefully. Then, she waved her wand again and the door closed behind them.

What was all this about?

"I heard you had this term's last prefect meeting tonight" Mc Gonagall said, causing Lily to raise her eyebrows in surprise.

That's what this was about?

"Um... yes professor" she replied slowly.

"And...?" Mc Gonagall asked, sounding curious now. "How did it go?"

"It went really well" Lily admitted, knowing that that was nothing but the whole truth. "We talked about next term's patrolling schedule and we're thinking about having a ball around Easter..."

"I see" Mc Gonagall said, nodding. "I'm sure that the suggestion of a ball will make professor Dumbledore delighted. We could really need one these days, with all these bad things going on..."

Lily didn't say anything. She knew what the older witch was talking about. Only yesterday she'd read about two murders and four new disappearences in The Daily Prophet... Was it ever going to end? Sometimes it all just felt completely hopeless...

"And Potter?"

Mc Gonagall's question caught Lily completely off guard and she stared at her teacher.

"What about him, professor?"

Slowly, Mc Gonagall removed her glasses and eyed Lily for a moment before she said:

"Well, it should hardly come as a surprise to you that he has had some trouble... adjusting to everyday life this year. He's still behind in many classes so I was merely wondering if..."

"He did great"

Had she just said that?

There was a short silence and Lily felt a strong urge to cover her own mouth even though she was pretty sure she'd done the right thing. James had done really well earlier tonight and apparently, he needed all the credit he could get. Mc Gonagall raised her eyebrows in surprise and looked rather skeptical, almost as if she believed that Lily was lying for James' sake.

"Really?"

"Really" Lily assured her, suddenly feeling eager to prove her point. "He was actually really focused and even came up with some suggestions of his own. In fact, I think being Head Boy suits him really well"

Merlin, if someone had told her a year ago that she would sit in the deputy headmistress' office and say that...

There was another silence. Apparently, Mc Gonagall was at a loss for words, too. This was obviously not what she'd expected.

"Well..." she finally said, once again putting on her glasses. "I'm glad. I was worried that it... that it might be too much for him, given thought of everything that he's been through"

"Well maybe he really needs it, because of everything that he's been through" The words left Lily's mouth before she had time to re-consider them. "Maybe he needs to feel that he's still important. That he matters"

It was difficult to say how much time that passed by. When Lily sat there, looking right into the older witch's eyes, she'd forgotten all about the library and everything else, for that matter. The only thing she could think about was what Mc Gonagall would say next. Would she ask any questions that she, Lily, would not be able to answer? For she did not know why she was saying any of this. It just seemed like the right thing to do and ever since she was a child Lily had been taught to follow her heart...

"I have noticed that you and Mr Potter seem to be on better terms than before" Mc Gonagall eventually said.

There it was. It was not a question and yet Lily knew that she was supposed to say something. But what could she possibly say? Of course, what Mc Gonagall said was nothing but the truth but she still didn't know how it had happened, when her feelings for James had changed or why she even let any of these thoughts cross her mind.

How was she supposed to explain something that she didn't even understand herself?

"He's... different" she finally told Mc Gonagall, her voice so low it was probably hard to make out the words. "He's stopped playing pranks on everything that moves, he's stopped bullying people who don't deserve it and he no longer seems to think that he owns the world. He's stopped asking me out..."

Once again, she spoke without thinking. She hadn't planned to say that last part out loud, but it was too late now. Judging from the look on Mc Gonagall's face she'd heard every word. The older witch opened and closed her mouth several times before she finally said:

"I see..."

"Not that I want him to" Lily added hastily. "I think it's great that he's finally acting his age and..."

"You don't have to explan yourself to me, miss Evans" Mc Gonagall said calmly, holding up her hand to silence her student. "Whatever's going on between you and Mr Potter..."

"Nothing's going on between us!"

"... is none of my business. Now, it's getting late and you should probably go to bed if you want to catch some sleep before the train leaves tomorrow morning. Good night"

Without another word, Mc Gonagall waved her wand again and the door leading into her office burst open. Lily knew that the meeting was over and she stood up so quickly one might think she'd burned herself on the chair. She turned around to leave, but stopped dead in her tracks with her hand on the doorhandle.

She desperately wanted to say something, she wanted to explain, but she had no idea how. And so, when she finally gave up and left her Transfiguration teacher's office, she could not see how the older witch smiled to herself.

Lily

Lily was grateful that she and Alice had an entire compartment to themselves on their ride back to London. For some reason Amelia, Rebecca and the rest of their closest friends had decided to sit somewhere else and it actually turned out to be a really good thing. That way, Lily and her very best friend could play Exploding Snap and read articles from Witch Weekly out loud without bothering anyone.

Also, Lily had some time to talk to her friend alone about her James Potter-related problem. Even though she'd seen him the previous night (and many times before that) she still hadn't told him what Snape had said to her right after the quidditch game.

Was that wrong of her?

"But let's just say that Snape actually does know who attacked Potter in Hogsmeade!" Lily insisted for what seemed like the hundredth time.

Alice rolled her eyes but didn't look up from her magazine when she replied:

"Which you can never be sure of..."

Lily ignored her friend's reply and continued:

"Shouldn't I tell Potter about it? Doesn't he deserve to know that someone, other than the people who did it, knows the truth?"

Alice, who seemed to have realized that her best friend wouldn't give up just yet, sighed heavily and looked Lily in the eye when she suggested:

"Maybe Snape was just lying to you. Maybe he's the one who did it..."

"Well, in that case Potter deserves to know about that, too" Lily interrupted her firmly.

Truth to be told, she was surprised by her own certainity. A year ago she wouldn't have dreamt of choosing James over Snape, but now it just felt... natural. If Snape had done something wrong, James deserved the truth. And that was that.

"And what do you think James will do if he finds out?" Alice asked, interrupting her thoughts. "I'm pretty sure he won't exactly be happy with you for not telling him earlier. Besides, he and Black will probably try to take revenge in the worst possible way..."

"No" Lily said, shaking her head fiercly. "No, Ja... Potter doesn't do stuff like that anymore, does he? I'm sure he'd be very rational about it all..."

Alice snorted loudly.

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that... Ever wondered how you would react if you were attacked from behind by someone? Surely you wouldn't just let the person responsible go free, if you knew who it was?"

Lily was silent for a moment, contemplating her friend's words. Maybe Alice was right. Maybe telling James would, in fact, make everything worse. But then again...

"Dumbledore came to talk to us after it happened. You could tell that he was... bothered by it all"

She hadn't told her friend this before and ignored the look of surprise on her face when continuing:

"What if the people who attacked Potter in Hogsmeade are also the ones who killed his parents? What if I know something that could help the aurors fill up some cells in Azkaban?"

"But you don't really know anything, Lily" Alice reminded her quietly, slowly folding her magazine together as they were now approaching King's Cross Station. "What Snape told you is nothing to go on and if you tell Potter he'll... Things will just get worse again, won't they? It's not like he can force Snape to tell him anything"

The train came to a halt and Lily absentmindedly stared out the window, trying to make sense of the thoughts spinning through her head. Before she knew it, students had started getting off the train and she spotted James on the platform. He seemed to be talking about something important with Sirius, who eventually gave him a huge grin which James, surprisingly enough, returned.

It was the smile on his face, the light in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a very long time, that caused Lily to make up her mind. For now, Alice was right. James still needed to focus on dealing with his loss and bringing up Severus Snape and his theories would only make things bad again. James didn't deserve that.

In fact, at that specific moment, Lily felt like he deserved nothing but the very best. And she desperately wanted to be the one who gave it all to him.

James

Not much happened on the train ride back to London. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter spent most of it examining some objects Sirius had bought at Zonko's and discussed the quidditch game against Slytherin. Even though it had been a while James still heard students (mostly gryffindors) talk about it every day and every now and then someone came up to him and told him that he was doing a great job as team captain. Those kind words did not mean as much as they would have a year ago, but James still appreciated it.

Of course, none of his fellow classmates knew that there was a split moment when James had lost control...

Even though he didn't feel ready to talk to anyone about it, he had noticed a change in himself during the very last couple of weeks. The snowball fight with Lily and the others seemed to have triggered it and ever since then there were days when James could actually smile and laugh without feeling as if it were all part of some huge lie. There were times when he felt truly excited and enthusiastic when Sirius suggested pranks they could pull on the slytherins and quidditch was no longer just a distraction. It was fun again.

One would think that this would all make James really happy and even though he was grateful there was another feeling he could not fully ignore: guilt. Even though he, somewhere inside, knew that it was wrong he could not help feeling guilty when laughing with his friends. He could not help feeling guilty when something as trivial as his NEWT exams actually seemed to matter again and he could not help feeling guilty when he found himself staring at Lily whenever she passed him by in the corridors.

Was he allowed to feel that way when it had not even been six months since his parents were murdered for fighting for justice, peace and what they knew was right?

James' grief had changed but it was still very much alive and present. He could not really decide how he felt about anything anymore and the confusion alone was exhausting. Also, he didn't know what it would be like coming back to his aunt's house. Surely, it would be harder to keep his spirits up without Sirius' jokes, Remus reminding him to do his homework and Lily's mere presence?

Not to mention he would have a lot of time to worry about what had really happened during the quidditch match against Slytherin. Why had he lost control of his thoughts? That question had been on his mind a lot lately...

The train arrived at platform 9 and 3/4 before noon and the four marauders grabbed their trunks and jumped off the train within minutes. Remus and Peter had both spotted their parents and went to say hi. For a short while, James and Sirius were left alone and there was an awkward silence that James knew too well by now. It always erupted whenever they both realized that Sirius, once again, didn't really have anywhere to go. Now that his older brother Regulus had finished Hogwarts his parents would not even show up at King's Cross and Sirius surely didn't want them to, seeing as he'd run away from home the year before.

"So..." James started, silently cursing himself for not having thought about it earlier. "Where are you going now?"

"Remus' place" Sirius replied, wearing that look on his face that James knew he put on whenever he wanted to seem completely unbothered. "His parents are really nice, they said I could spend Christmas there and everything"

He nodded towards Mr and Mrs Lupin who were standing a few meters away with their son, obviously waiting for Sirius to join them. James, who'd known Sirius for many years know, could hear on his voice that something was not right.

"And then?" he asked. "Where will you go after Christmas?"

Sirius avoided his gaze when muttering:

"They're going to visit some relatives in January. I suppose I'll have to leave by then"

James stared at him, not sure of what to say. He knew that Sirius hated being a burden to anyone. That didn't change the facts, though: after Christmas he would have nowhere to go. And even if Remus would spend the entire holiday at home, there was a full moon coming up. It was not safe for Sirius to keep a werewolf company without James and Peter there to help him in case something went wrong...

Suddenly, James heard his father's deep and clever voice inside his head: If you know that a friend is in trouble and you can do something about it: act. Take a moment when you don't think about yourself and your own needs. Do what you have to do in order to help. It'll be worth it.

"You can come stay with me once they've left" James said.

"What?" Sirius looked up, eyes widening slightly. "I thought you wouldn't want..."

"Well, you thought wrong" James interrupted him firmly. "I do want you to come and stay with us. If that's what you want, of course"

His best friend could only bring himself to nod silently.

"I have no idea where else I would go..." he said, laughing hollowly. "It's not like I can show up at Grimmauld Place after all this time... Not that I want to... But are you sure that you don't want... you know, some time alone?"

He looked uncertain but James stood his ground. He was happy that Sirius realized that things still weren't what they once had been, but right now that did not matter. Take a moment when you don't think about yourself.

"I'm sure. It'll be fun having a friend over" he said, grinning slightly. "Like old times"

Sirius looked like he'd just found the whole Slytherin quidditch team tied up by Peeves in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and at that moment James knew he'd done the right thing. He was sure that his aunt wouldn't mind one bit. In fact, she would probably just be relieved that he was willing to spend time with his friends again.

Suddenly remembering that she was here to pick him up, he grabbed his trunk again and said goodbye to Sirius.

"I'll see you in January. Send me an owl when you know what date you'll arrive"

"I sure will. Merry Christmas mate"

"Merry Christmas"

As James walked over to his aunt he caught sight of Lily being embraced by her parents, looking happier than she had in a long time. He supposed that's what people felt like these days. With all the murders, disappearances and Lord Voldemort growing stronger nobody could be sure of when they would see their loved ones next time...

He, too, was met by a warm and long embrace before his aunt grabbed his shoulders to get a proper look at him. She was smiling widely and James couldn't help feeling like some of the worry he was so used to seeing in her eyes had vanished.

"How are you?" she asked.

Maybe it was the sight of Lily, or maybe it was something else entirely. Either way, James suddenly didn't feel the need to lie. He merely gave his aunt a weak smile and felt completely honest when he replied:

"I'm okay"

Right now, he was okay. Not fine. Not yet. But "okay" was still better than he'd felt in a very long time. And for now, it would have to do. It was as simple as that.

"Come on" his aunt said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Let's go home"

James

"I made Shephard's Pie, I remember that used to be one of your favorite years ago"

James' aunt put the food on the table before sitting down opposite him and he couldn't deny that it all looked delicious. Still, he wasn't feeling very hungry. He managed to give her a small smile and said:

"Yeah, it looks great. Thank you"

They ate in silence for what seemed like a really long time. Eventually, his aunt put her fork down and sighed heavily.

"You didn't like it?" she asked and as James furrowed she nodded towards his plate. "You've barely touched your food, James"

"No, it's not that" James replied, shaking his head fiercly.

He didn't want her to think that he didn't like her food. After everything she'd done for him during the past six months, that was the last thing she deserved.

His aunt remained silent, but James could tell from the look on her face that she wanted him to explain himself. And of course she deserved that, too. He took a deep breath, thinking that he might as well hurry to get it all out while he still had the courage:

"Something... happened when we played quidditch against Slytherin a while ago"

His aunt raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"What do you mean?" she asked bluntly.

James hesitated. Would she think he was mad? Ask to have him locked up, say that he was not allowed to return to Hogwarts? And what if she'd be right? What if he had, in fact, lost it? What if everything he'd been through had made him... different? He was scared to death and he had no idea how to show it. Therefore, it was probably better not to.

"I was... so focused on the game..." he started quietly. "All I could think about was making sure that Gryffindor would win and I soared towards the goal posts with the Quaffle in my hand and..."

He drifted off. How was he supposed to continue? He could still back out, say that he'd just made it all up. But then, he would never stop thinking about it. And he'd probably go mad, anyway...

"... and this image of... of what happened to mum and dad just pops into my head out of nowhere" His was was very low now, barely audiable. "Suddenly, I saw this green light and I... I lost control of my thoughts. It's never happened before. I've always been able to, you know, turn it off. But not this time"

After a few seconds James looked up at his aunt, who still remained silent. She eyed him carefully, but it was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

"I lost control" James continued, barely realizing how fast he spoke just to get it all over with. "And it was really scary"

There, he'd said it. He'd told the whole truth and he'd even admitted how he felt, his aunt should be amazed by that... However, James did not expect her to give him some spectacular advice. What could she possibly say,"Congratulations, you're an idiot"? How normal was it to have random images pop into your mind at any time? As long as she didn't tell anyone about it...

"Do you know what posttraumatic stress is?"

Her words interrupted his thoughts and he was left staring at her, confused.

"No" he finally admitted, wondering where this was going.

She'd mentioned the word "stress", but did she really think that all this happened simply because he was stressed out? No way...

His aunt took a deep breath.

"Sometimes... when people experience something very... threatening or frightening it takes some time before things go back to normal. You can have flashbacks, nightmares or constantly feel afraid that..."

"I'm not afraid" James interrupted her. "Things can hardly get any worse, right?"

He wasn't sure whether he'd meant it as a joke, but still tried to give his aunt a grin. The hollow laugh that escaped his lips made him feel sick as he realized the truth in his own words. If he'd felt "okay" earlier, he certainly wasn't anymore. When had that changed?

His aunt still didn't touch her food. In fact, she eyed James as if he alone was the only thing in the entire world that mattered. He was used to her wearing a serious face expression, but not like this. Her voice was low and yet perfectly clear when she asked:

"Is that how it feels?"

"No" James stared down at his food. "That's how it is"

"You keep forgetting that you're still here, James. You're alive and you're well, and that means that things could definitely get worse" his aunt said calmly.

He felt a sudden need to push his plate off the table, stand up and scream his lungs out. "WELL? YOU THINK I'M WELL? YOU THINK I ENJOY LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THIS, YOU THINK I'M PERFECTLY FINE?"

Well, what else is she to believe? the persistent little voice inside James' head whispered. Before today that's the only thing you've ever told her. It's the only thing you've ever told anyone who's asked. Liar.

Well, James had had to lie. The truth had always been too much to handle.

"Mc Gonagall sent me a letter earlier today" his aunt suddenly told him. "Apparently, Lily Evans thinks you're doing a great job as Head Boy"

James didn't know what to say, or do. He opened and closed his mouth at least seven times before one single word finally escaped his lips:

"Wh... what?"

His aunt simply nodded, looking quite unbothered by the whole thing. Almost like the news didn't even surprise her.

"I always knew you could do it, of course" she said. "The only problem was you doubting yourself. And apparently, you're no longer failing Transfiguration which is a very good thing indeed. It was always one of your best subjects, wasn't it?"

The thoughts kept spinning through James' head. He was so flabbergasted he had no idea what to say. The fact that he was no longer failing Transfiguration shouldn't have come as a surprise - ever since his meeting with Mc Gonagall he knew he had to pay more attention in her classes. And with Remus helping him out with his homework whenever he asked for it, it was not that bad.

But Lily saying that he did a "great job" as Head Boy? Why had Mc Gonagall talked to her about it in the first place and why would Lily lie? James was not a great Head Boy, even though their last meeting had been a huge success compared to the one where he'd gotten into a fight with that idiot Tobias Smith...

Why would Lily do that?

He didn't understand it and yet a warm feeling, one he hadn't felt in a very long time, spread through his body. It felt strange and yet comfortably familiar, like a part of his former life... A feeling he only felt whenever Lily was around. Pure affection.

She was still as perfect as she'd ever been.

Author's note: I'm so relieved to finally have posted this! I think I've suffered from a short but still really annoying writer's block during these past couple of weeks. Also, I've recently spent over two weeks in California and it was so AMAZING I sort of forgot about everything else, hehe. I guess this is more of a filler-chapter, even though James and Lily both reach some conclusions...

As you've probably noticed, James is very confused right now and he does not really know how he feels about anything. From what I know that's what grieving is like sometimes. One second you feel happy and perfectly fine and the next reality comes crashing down on you again. Anyway, things are slowly getting better from here!

If you liked it (or just care to make me happy hehe) you're more than welcome to leave a review and/or follow this story. 120 followers and 87 reviews is a lot to me and I would love some more! :)

Thanks for reading!