Confusion

"'Cause the power you're supplying
It's electrifying"

You're the One That I Want - The Lennings

Most Hogwarts students had indeed enjoyed Christmas, a break from school and everything that came with it - but had soon gotten used to the thought of returning to every day life. Things went back to normal with one great exception; the amount of homework had increased tremendously. The very next day after the seventh years had come back from their holidays, they were asked to write three really long and tricky essays in Charms, Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts. Apparently, all teachers seemed to think that their students could do with some hard work now that they'd had a break for a couple of weeks.

"Not to mention your NEWT exams are approaching!" was probably the most well used mantra in every single class. None of this brought any happines to James, who was still behind in almost every subject. After his short meeting with Mc Gonagall a couple of months earlier (which had resulted in the older witch suggesting he'd seek help) he had realized that Transfiguration was bound to become his biggest priority. However, he still often received complaints from many other teachers who all said that he "had it in him" and simply had to "try harder". Slughorn and Flitwick had both given him homework for extra credit, all of which James hadn't even bothered to look at yet.

On top of it, he had to focus on training his quidditch team for the upcoming game against Hufflepuff and avoid Lily Evans as much as he possibly could. The latter was easier said than done, considering the fact that they shared a common room where they accidentally ran into eachother almost every day.

James had felt like an idiot the first time Lily had opened her mouth to speak to him and he'd simply hurried off, muttering something about "being late for practice". It felt wrong - especially after what had happened during Christmas. He had to remind himself again and again that he was doing this because of everything that had happened during Christmas. He had talked to her, told her things he had never told anyone before and she acted as if she really cared.

But he simply couldn't take being let down one more time. Not now.

But what if everything is different now?, a persistent little voice in James' head kept asking him. What if she actually does care? What if this could be the beginning of something great and you're about to ruin it?

That was a risk James had to be willing to take, if he wanted to get through this term. Having Lily taking up so much time in his mind was annoying enough, considering everything else he had to focus on. School, quidditch, soon having to return to Godric's Hollow and the manor he'd called "home" for the past sixteen years...

Forget about all that now, James reminded himself for the hundredth time this lazy Sunday afternoon. He was lying on his bed in his old dormitory in the Gryffindor tower, talking to the other Marauders and simply enjoying having a day off. He was surprised to find that being around other people was not nearly as hard now as it had been a couple of months ago. As a matter of fact, he was grateful that he got to spend this time with Sirius and the others.

He needed something, anything really, to feel normal.

James' thoughts were interrupted as Sirius started to laugh loudly. The other Marauders all looked at him and, trying to pull himself together, he started reading out loud from the magazine he had in his hands:

"Listen to this! Ten ways to charm the handsome wizard of your dreams. Step one: Pretend to appear busy even when, inside, you're dying to be with him. Men appreciate to have to fight for what they want..." Sirius drifted off and put the magazine down to look at his friends. "Who wrote this rubbish?! I can't believe girls actually spend time reading this!"

"Why?" James asked. "You're reading it"

He wasn't planning on telling his friends so, but from personal experience he knew that Witch Weekly was wrong. Lily, if anyone, had really made him fight for what he wanted and it had been nothing but a long, tiresome and sometimes even painful experience on James' part.

"Well yeah, for fun!" Sirius rolled his eyes. "There's a difference"

"Is there?" Remus asked and Peter grinned widely.

Sirius ignored them and James sat up, snatching the magazine from his best friend. He scrutinized the cover for a moment; a very good looking young woman who he recognized as a famous quidditch player for the Holyhead Harpies smiled up at him, waving frantically.

"Where did you get this anyway?" he asked and didn't miss the smug look on Sirius' face when he replied:

"Nicked it from Amelia. Though I know she would let me borrow it if I asked..."

At his words, Remus and Peter both paid closer attention and Peter furrowed.

"Have I missed something?"

"When are you not missing out on something, Wormtail?" Sirius still looked very pleased with himself. "I assume you all remember what happened that night Gryffindor played Ravenclaw and we won..."

Honestly speaking, all James could think about when remembering that night was the fiasco that involved a certain Amy Baker, too much firewhiskey to drink and a horrible hangover the next day... He had forgotten all about how Sirius and Amelia Bones seemed more than friendly with eachother and how they both had acted rather suspicious around eachother for the next couple of weeks. They had definitely hooked up and James, despite being Sirius' best friend, had missed to even ask about it.

He was suddenly hit with a sense of guilt. He had been so busy with his own problems that it hadn't even occured to him that Sirius might be dealing with things, too. Being his very best friend, it was James' duty to ask what had happened, how Sirius felt about it and what they planned to do next. But no, nothing. He felt like the worst friend in the world and he remembered something his aunt had said in one of her letters back in September:

There will come a time when things that seem pointless now will have a meaning again.

Maybe this was one of those things. James made a mental note to ask Sirius all about it later when the latter suddenly asked:

"And speaking of the ladies, what's going on between you and Evans?"

Now, everybody's eyes were on James instead and he tried his very best to look completely unbothered and confused.

"What do you mean?" he asked flatly, lying back down so Sirius, Remus and Peter wouldn't catch the miserable look on his face.

There was a short silence before Remus decided to speak up:

"You two seemed quite friendly before Christmas and when we first came back. But now..."

He drifted off and James had to remind himself that neither Remus nor Peter knew what had happened on Christmas Eve in that muggle village. They didn't know that he'd run into Lily, that they'd talked for hours and then, when saying their goodbyes...

He couldn't think about that. It hurt too much.

Knowing that he wouldn't get away with not telling his friends the truth he mumbled:

"Yeah... I guess we'll just have to go back to her hating me"

"But... I thought you were really happy that she doesn't" Peter looked confused. "What made you change your mind?"

And James told them. He told them how the mere thought of Lily brought up so many painful memories, while he was still filled with so much longing and wishes that his greatest desire might come true some day in the future. He told them how getting closer to Lily, actually getting to know her, had made him scared. How he, somewhere inside, knew that she could never give him what he truly wanted. That she would never want him like that and how the fact might bring him back to the very start.

When he was done there was a long silence.

"So... Let me see if I got this right" Sirius finally started. "You can't be friends with Evans because you're afraid she might let you down again once she find out how much you really do want to be friends with her?"

Remus and Peter both furrowed and James himself realized that, when hearing it like this, it all sounded quite mental. Still...

"Yeah" he said, nodding slightly. "Yeah I guess that's about it"

Sirius stared at him.

"I'm sorry mate, but that doesn't make much sense to me. In fact, it's one of the most confusing things I've ever heard"

"You think so?" James muttered, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Well, that suited him well, didn't it? During this schoolyear, everything had been complicated in one way or another and why change it now? Maybe he even deserved it. Maybe things were never meant to be easy for him.

Lily

"Frank's taking me to Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day"

Lily squealed at Alice's words and clapped her hands together in excitement.

"Really? That's amazing! Congratulations!"

Alice grinned happily.

"Thank you. That means I won't be able to go with you, though"

Lily waved her hand impatiently - there was no way her best friend would miss out on this chance. Frank Longbottom had been crazy about her for months now and it was likely that they'd make a very good couple.

"Oh I'm fine, I'll just go with Amelia and the others"

"Yeah..." Alice smirked to herself, shaking her head slowly. "Amelia is probably going with Sirius, though"

Lily almost dropped The Standard Book of Spells Grade 7 and was left staring at her friend.

"WHAT?!" she exclaimed. "When... How... I didn't see... This is crazy..."

"Calm down Lily!" Alice was laughing now. "Besides, you're making a far too big deal out of it. I guess he's not that bad, once you get to know him..."

"No" Lily was quick to agree. "No, he's probably worse. I just don't understand how this happened!"

Alice furrowed slightly, looking at her best friend in a suspicious sort of way.

"You were there, weren't you? That night in the common room when Gryffindor had just won over Ravenclaw? They could barely keep their eyes off eachother..."

Lily didn't say anything. Of course, now that Alice reminded her, she did remember that Sirius and Amelia had acted... well, too friendly that night. However, she had been too focused on the fact that Potter had left the common room, holding hands with Amy Baker... For some reason, everything else had seemed unimportant.

Why, Lily asked herself furiously, why do you put your energy into that? Potter's free to snog whoever he likes...

Well, not if he also tries to snog you...

Okay, enough of the bad thoughts. Lily cleared her throat and returned to reality, unaware of the look her friend gave her as she mumbled:

"I... It must have slipped my mind"

Alice slammed her Herbology textbook shut, apparently deciding that she'd had enough of studying for one day. Besides, today was Sunday and Lily didn't get too spend that much time in her old dormitory anymore. Soon she would have to go back and face him...

"I don't know whether they're serious about any of this..." Alice started, obviously referring to Amelia and Sirius again. "Anyway, Amelia said that she would want some friends to join them, too. And I personally thought that that would be a great opportunity for you to keep an eye on them"

She grinned widely.

"I want all the details"

Lily's heart sank.

"I don't think that's a good idea" she said gloomily. "Potter will probably be there and..."

"Yeah, about that..."

Alice sat up in bed, obviously wanting to get a better look at her best friend. She seemed troubled, worried almost, and asked Lily:

"What's going on between you two? He acts as if you don't even exist..."

Even though it was nothing but the truth, it still hurt when Alice spoke the words out loud. Lily had spent far too much time for her own liking wondering what the bloody hell was going on and at times she had wanted to simply confront James, yell at him and ask what was wrong.

And the worst part was that none of this was supposed to affect her the way it actually did. She felt pathetic, like a desperate teenage girl craving his attention.

Ah, but you do want his attention, the persistent little voice inside her head whispered. Or none of this would even matter to you.

Well, no matter how Lily hated it it did matter. She did care that Potter, ever since the train ride back about two weeks ago, had acted as if they had no history together whatsoever. It did hurt when he sat as far away as possible from her in class, hurried out of their commonroom as soon as she turned up and avoided looking her in the eye during the prefect meetings. She couldn't ignore it - it was simple facts.

James Potter had suddenly decided that she, Lily Evans, was no longer worthy of his attention. And for some inexplicable reason, it killed her inside.

"Well, why should he?" Lily mumbled, suddenly remembering that Alice was still in the room, waiting for her reply. "It's not like we were ever friends..."

That was true and because of it, it made even less sense for Lily to be upset now. She had never called James Potter a friend, had never turned to him when she was in need of advice, comfort or just a good talk. They didn't have many friends in common, either. Most of Lily's friends avoided getting too friendly with him and the other Marauders only because they knew of James' and Lily's dramatic past.

Sirius and Lily had never really gotten along - she guessed Sirius considered her a bitch for neglecting his best friend so many times. Peter Pettigrew (it was a riddle why he was even in the gang, to begin with) had barely spoken a word to her through their six and a half years at Hogwarts. Somehow, she got the feeling he was almost scared of her.

Remus was an exception, of course. He was different, softer and more mature. He had never really builled Severus in person and sometimes even asked James and Sirius to grow up. In fact, he was the only one brave enough to question them.

Maybe Lily could ask him why James was suddenly acting this way?

And risk that he walks right up to James and tells him?

Wow, she thought to herself. You really are desperate.

Alice interrupted her thoughts by snorting loudly.

"Well, friends or not. You almost kissed for god's sake! Doesn't that mean something..."

But she didn't have time to finish her sentence before Lily hushed her, panicked.

"Sssh!" she exclaimed, placing a finger over her lips. "I don't want the other girls to hear this, they could come in at any moment!"

Alice opened her mouth as if she wanted to protest, but as she saw the look on Lily's face she decided to drop the matter.

"Oh all right then" she muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes slightly. "But whatever's happened, I think you should talk to James about it! At least then you'll know what's going on and you won't have to dwell on it"

Lily didn't even have to tell her friend that she knew that she was right. It was far too obvious for anyone to see, really. If she wanted answers, which she did if she wanted to be able to return to a normal, carefree, life, she needed to hear the truth from James himself.

But confronting him, someone who didn't consider her a friend and who had no reason whatsoever to even trust her, was easier said than done.

James

After a very nice dinner in the Great Hall, James knew that it was time for him to return to the common room he shared with Lily. Hopefully, she would still be somewhere else in the castle with her friends or maybe she might even have gone to bed already...

He knew how stupid it was - playing hide and seek like a bloody five year old. And those few times he'd actually seen hurt in her eyes, he'd been really close to simply put it all aside and tell her that she still meant more than everyone else. That that was the very problem.

But how do you tell another human being something like that, Lily Evans or not? James snorted to himself as he imagined the conversation in his head.

"Hi Lily! You see, now that I've actually started caring for things again I have realized that I am just as madly in love with you as I've always been. Congratulations! Now to the bad part: You see, we can't be friends because it won't be long before I won't be able to hide my true feelings and then you'll turn me down, just like you always do"

How could he prove to Lily that he'd changed? That he wouldn't go back to the old James Potter just because he was now feeling... well, better? James knew that with all his new experiences, memories and emotions he'd had to endure there was no way he could ever be that carefree again. The old James Potter was gone but it didn't feel like a loss anymore.

He felt... different, in a good way. Like he'd finally grown up. If only she could see that...

James muttered the password to Godric Gryffindor, the portrait swung open and he climbed inside. The moment he took a quick look around he realized he couldn't have been more unlucky.

Lily was sitting on the couch in the common room, reading a book. At the sound of his steps, however, she looked up and their gazes locked. He wouldn't get away this time.

Lily

Maybe this was it. Lily's heart was pounding furiously in her chest and she silently hoped that James wouldn't see how this whole thing affected her. He couldn't possibly just ignore her now, he would realize that she needed some answers...

"Hi" she finally said, giving him a small smile which he returned before looking away.

"Hi" he replied and that was that.

There was a long silence and none of them moved. Lily thought he looked tired. Perhaps it had something to do with all the homework they'd been given lately. Even she had trouble keeping up at times... She had to say something. Anything.

"Uhm... Have you started on Flitwick's essay yet? I can't seem to find the right page in that book he gave us and..."

"No, sorry"

Now, James seemed to be able to move his feet again and he walked with quick steps towards his dormitory, careful not to look at her. She couldn't stop herself:

"James wait!"

She'd called him James again. Why was it that she always called him that these days?

He stopped, waited a few seconds and then turned around to face her. There were so many questions she wanted to ask and yet not a single word escaped her lips.

Why are you doing this to me? Did I do something to you that I'm not aware of? Will you please just stop before I break?

"Goodnight"

It was a mere whisper but James seemed to have heard her all right, for he mumbled a short "goodnight" in return before he turned around again. Seconds later, he was gone.

Lily swallowed. Again and again she swallowed, tried to take several really deep breaths without succeeding. There had to be something very wrong with her, something was clearly not right.

For as she heard the sound of James closing the door behind him, the sound of him shutting her out, tears were forming in her eyes.

James

He was back in the muggle village.

It was Christmas Eve again and Lily was with him, laughing. Her red hair seemed even redder and her bright green eyes seemed even greener next to the white snow. Lily continued to smile at him, her laughter still ringing in his ears as she started to run away from him... James called her name and she stopped, grabbed his hand and pulled him with her...

The scene dissolved.

James was back by the tree on the grounds that he, Sirius, Remus and Peter had made their own in the beginning of their third year. Snape came by and Sirius raised his wand, an evil grin spreading across his handsome face. James opened his mouth, tried to tell him to stop but Sirius merely laughed and none of the watchers listened, either. They all laughed. At him. Then, Lily turned up again only this time, she wasn't amused.

"I thought you'd changed Potter but clearly I was wrong. You're still nothing but mean, bullying and ignorant..."

James tried to tell her the truth, that he'd tried to stop Sirius, but no words came out. The pure evil Lily, one he didn't recognize and had never met before, continued:

"You're an arrogant waste of space and it's all your fault!"

Lily's final words echoed, came from everywhere:

"YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT"

The scene changed again.

James and his aunt were back at the Potter manor, but as soon as they walked through the front door she disappeared and James was alone, suddenly thrown back in time.

"CRUCIO!"

There were screams, painful and long screams that cut through every bone in James' body. Slams as furniture fell over and hit the floor. Then, a laughter cold as ice.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Green light. James fell into it, drowned in it, tried to do something, anything, to save them this time. But the green consumed him and he fell deeper and deeper into it.

His parents' screams were mixed with Lily's words, repeating themselves over and over again as if recorded on a tape:

"YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT"

James woke up gasping for air. He sat up quickly, the sound of Lily's cold, hard voice still ringing in his ears. After a minute or so, he got out of bed and walked over to the window. It was still dark outside and as he looked at his alarm clock he realized it was just past midnight. He opened the window slightly, enjoyed the cool, fresh air on his face and suddenly wondered whether any other, younger students had started exploring the grounds at night-time now that the Marauders no longer did it.

It had been months since James had turned himself into a stag. Right after his parents' deaths he hadn't been very good at performing any sort of magic and he knew the transformation required concentration. He decided that he would try it again some time soon, for he still remembered how free and carless he used to feel...

He could really need that now.

Knowing that there was no way he'd be able to go back to sleep just yet, James started rummaging through his trunk until he'd found what he was looking for. The invisibility cloak that he'd inherited from his father and the Marauders' map hadn't been used in quite some time now. James was Head Boy but he knew that it was not accepted for him, either, to wander around the castle alone at night. It was better to be safe.

A strange sense of power came over him as he wrapped the cloak around himself and exited through his bedroom door. He was safe now. The cloak had never failed him so far and he could see everybody even though they couldn't see him...

As he exited through the common room Godric Gryffindor's portrait called after him:

"HELLO? WHO'S THERE?!"

James ignored it and set off down the corridor. He didn't know where he was going or why; only that he needed some distraction from... everything. Perhaps he could go down to the kitchens and see the house elves? He knew they were always happy to have company and they were probably still up, preparing tomorrow's breakfast...

The castle was very deserted tonight and all students (and teachers) seemed to be fast asleep already. Seeing as it was Lily and James himself who made the patrolling schedule for the prefects, he knew that it was the Slytherin prefects' turn tonight. However, they should be back in bed by now and they hardly ever seemed to take their job seriously, anyway.

Therefore, it was mere luck that caused James to still cast a quick glance at the Marauders' map, just to be sure. Three names stood out against the rest. Three people who hadn't returned to their common room yet and who lurked in a corridor only meters away from James himself. He was really grateful that he was wrapped in his invisibility cloak as he read the names to himself:

Mulciber, Avery and Snape.

James was not truly afraid of any of them, but he knew that he probably wouldn't stand a chance if they were three against one. Besides, they probably knew of dark magic and curses he'd never even heard of. He cursed under his breath and was just about to turn around and find another way to the kitchens when something caught his attention:

"...telling on any of us, Snape. You are just as involved in this as we are, remember that"

Avery sounded angry, furious even. Still, James could detect fear and panic in his voice. What was it that he was so afraid that Snape wouldn't keep his mouth shut about? Snape sounded slightly nervous as he replied:

"I haven't planned on telling anyone anything, don't you trust me? All I'm saying is that it might be better to back off now, before it's too late. All teachers already know and I'm sure Dumbledore has looked into it, promised Potter to do everything he can..."

James couldn't walk away now. He was standing completely still just around the corner and almost forgot to breathe. What were they talking about?

"Well, the hero Dumbledore hasn't caught anyone yet, has he?" Mulciber snorted loudly. "My father always said everybody overestimates that old fool. Don't forget what side you're on, Snape. Or would you prefer going back to being best friends with the mudblood?"

Lily. They were talking about Lily, too.

"She has nothing to do with this" Snape replied quickly and now, he was the one who sounded frightened. "I just don't want any of you to get caught, that's all. Potter might be lacking brain cells but Dumbledore does not. He could put two and two together, thinking that the people who attacked Potter in Hogsmeade might have something to do with the ones who..."

"We shouldn't be discussing this out here" Avery drawled. "Someone could hear us. Anyway, this will all be over soon. If that oaf Hagrid hadn't showed up the last time..."

"Well he did" Mulciber interrupted him. "And there's no need to dwell on it now. We just have to stick to the plan and if you're not with us, Snape..."

"I AM!"

There was a long silence. The thoughts spinning through James' mind made no sense. Had he walked from one nightmare right into another? This couldn't be...

"Good. We'll see you later"

Mulciber and Avery left Snape and had no idea they passed James by, hidden under his cloak, on their way back to the Slytherin common room. Snape remained on the same spot, apparently not sure what to do. When seeing him there, all alone and vulnerable, James suddenly had an idea.

Maybe he couldn't take on three potential Death Eaters at once but he could take on Snape. After all, he'd done it many times before. If Snape knew something about what had happened in Hogsmeade, if he knew something about James' parents' deaths, then he would speak up. Now.

Without really thinking, James stepped forward. If Snape turned around now, they would be face to face. He took a deep breath and pulled of the invisibility cloak, prepared to show himself to his enemy.

"Hey, Snivellus! Out for a midnight stroll, are we?"

Author's note: Come on, those of you who add this story to your favorites/start following it must do that for a reason! PLEASE share that reason with me by leaving a review, it'll only take a minute or two and it'd make me so happy! It doesn't have to be very long, either. A few words is enough!

Personally, I feel sorry for Lily, haha. She's really confused and James has no idea how to tell her how he really feels. One of my readers asked what happened to Sirius and Amelia Bones and I promise I'll try to give them some more space in the story now! If you have any other ideas/questions, feel free to tell me!

Okay, I guess that's it... Hope you liked it!