Emotions Catching Up

"Today I'm not myself
And you, you're someone else
And all these rules don't fit
And all the starts can quit"

OneRepublic - Au Revoir

Snape jumped at the sound of James' voice and his eyes widened in surprise as he laid eyes on him. Then, he cast a quick look around to make sure that they were alone.

"Don't worry, Snivellus, it's just me this time" James said, trying not to think about how weird it felt to use that old nickname again. "And as tempting as it is, I'm not here to show the whole school that you should try to wash your underwear more often..."

"How much did you hear?"

Snape's voice was dangerously low.

"Enough" James replied, walking slowly towards his enemy with his wand raised. "And if you think you'll get away without sharing the rest..."

"It's just so like you, isn't it Potter? Sticking your nose into other people's business where it doesn't belong. Same with your parents, if they'd only let it all be..."

Before James himself even realized, Snape was on the floor, disarmed. Which spell had he used? He was too furious to recall... He hurried towards Snape and picked up his wand. As he stood over his enemy, looking down at him, the latter's eyes widened. He was alone now, with no wand, and he was scared. Good.

"I'm warning you, Snivellus" James had never heard his own voice sound like this before, so cold. "One more word about my parents and I'll hex you until you no longer remember your own name"

Snape didn't reply. He was merely breathing heavily, obviously waiting for James to do something. Anything.

"Now, as you're just lying there you might as well listen. I heard you talking to Avery and Mulciber and I know that you know something that I don't..."

"That wouldn't be the first time..."

"Shut up! I want you to tell me everything, got it? And if you leave anything out I'll make sure you regret it"

James was boiling out of fury and excitement now. He had never been so close, so close to an actual end to all this.

And then what? You think everything will be fine just because they catch the people who did it? You think your life will go back to normal in a heartbeat? You think you'll stop missing them?

He tried to ignore the voice, just like he always did. For he knew that if he wanted to get through this he had to believe that there was a finish line. A pathetic "happily ever after" that would make all his pain go away. That or he wouldn't survive.

"You're not half as bothered about all this as you ought to be, Potter"

How could Snape sound so calm? While watching him from above, James suddenly longed to use his fists to punch the smirk off the slytherin's face. The oily hair, the black eyes and the pale, almost yellow skin tone. Severus Snape was no sight for sore eyes and every little thing about him only added to James' fury. He thought of how Snape had called Lily a mudblood back in their fifth year, he remembered the look of shock and hurt on her face… The two of them had been best friends. It was hard to imagine now.

"What happened in Hogsmeade was one thing, merely a warning for the real deal. Once they decide to strike you don't stand a chance…"

Stay focused, James had to remind himself again and again. Stay angry with Snape. Anything to keep out the fear, angst and worry. He wouldn't show himself weak. He'd rather die right on the spot.

"And who are 'they'?" His voice was full of contempt. "You and your wannabe-Death Eater pals? Wow, I'm already shaking…"

"Do you really think that I would waste any more of my time for the sake of you, Potter?" Snape was laughing him in the face now and James felt like he had never hated another human being so much in his entire life. "And weren't you listening? I said you should prepare for the real deal. That does not exactly involve 'wannabe-Death Eaters' on NEWT-level"

He paused to let his words sink in. James' wand was still pointed at Snape's throat and his arm was beginning to hurt. He wouldn't remove it, though. Not yet. For as much as he'd always hated to admit it, Snape was smart. Now that he was alone with James (and the other Marauders weren't here to make sure he didn't stand a chance) Snape knew just how to get to him. He knew that the things he'd just said were clear and yet terribly confusing at the same time. James panicked again and tried not to show it.

"Then it's their parents" he guessed bluntly, without having thought things through. "They're all on Voldemort's side, aren't they? But why would they want to kill me?"

An ordinary, seventeen year old Hogwarts student. What was he to them?

And just like that, he knew it was over. From the look on Snape's face he could tell that the slytherin was not going to speak another word. He had probably told James too much already, unable to stop himself from giving him a proper scare. Still, it couldn't end here. It just couldn't. James needed more. Details. Or else he'd probably go mad, if he wasn't already…

"TELL ME!" he roared, not even bothering that he was out in a school corridor in the middle of the night.

If a teacher came across them now he'd serve detention for the rest of his final year… Snape had his eyes on James' wand that still rested against his throat, but he did not sound particularly afraid or nervous as he spoke:

"Or what Potter? I don't think you have it in you to actually hurt me, at least not anymore…"

"You don't know what I'm capable of" James interrupted him, silently wondering if his heart could possibly explode from beating this fast. "You have no idea…"

"Ah but I do, Potter. I've been a victim to your pathetic ideas, pranks and hexes for six years, haven't I? However, that was all before… Do not mistake this for me caring about your well-being, but do you really need this on your conscience on top of everything else?"

There was a long silence during which James tried to figure out the meaning of Snape's words. Snape himself looked truly… pleased. James felt sick and suddenly, all he wanted to do was run away before Snape said… Before he said… He couldn't know. He couldn't possibly know anything about that.

"What are you talking about?" he snarled, but his voice was trembling.

For a short while, all he could make out was his own sharp intakes of breath. Snape was completely silent before looking James right in the eye, uttering the words that cut through him like knives:

"You were there that night, weren't you? You watched it all, you just stood there…"

"Shut up" But James had lowered his wand without even realizing. "Shut up Snape…"

"Surely there must have been something you could have done. But you chose not to. The brave gryffindor, the remarkable and outstanding quidditch hero James Potter did nothing. Nothing at all…"

Snape's voice was full of mockery and James suddenly felt like he was the one lying on the floor. He was helpless, couldn't even speak properly, and Snape stood above him, his words threatening to destroy everything. He didn't know if Snape even realized, but James had heard everything he'd just said millions of times before. Only, he'd heard it in his own head. It was what he'd constantly been telling himself for the past six months. But this was different. To hear it from somebody else...

"I… I couldn't… I didn't mean…"

He couldn't defend himself this time. There was nothing he could say that would change the facts; Severus Snape was right and they both knew it. The latter smirked. He seemed to really love all this and maybe James deserved it. After all he'd done to Snape in the past, wasn't this only fair?

"You could have saved them if you'd only tried a little harder, if you hadn't let fear get the best of you. You're a coward. You just stood there, and you watched them die. Just admit it Potter: the guilt is your biggest enemy. And you'll get to live with it for the rest of your life. How does that feel?"

James was surprised to see that he was still alive, that he was still standing opposite Snape who had sat up now that James had removed his wand. How could he breathe, let alone think? How was there any power left? He felt like all strength had just been sucked out of him and he couldn't look Snape in the eye. He simply turned around and walked away, knowing that there was nothing else he could do at the moment. Snape wouldn't give him any more useful information and right now, he didn't even care. Perhaps it was a good thing if these people, whoever they were, got to him? At least then he'd get rid of the guilt… He wasn't sure of how much more he could take.

He was just about to turn around the corner when Snape called after him:

"I accidentally told Lily weeks ago that I know what happened in Hogsmeade. I'm surprised she didn't tell you. Perhaps you two aren't so close, after all"

James stopped. Lily knew? Then why hadn't she told him? Was Snape lying? And why did this hurt more than everything else he'd heard during the past five minutes? Lily.

He turned around, decided to be strong for a few more seconds. He walked right back to Snape. He didn't even hear the sound as his fist came in contact with the slytherin's cheek. Snape covered his face with his hands and so it was difficult to tell how much damage he had caused. It didn't matter. He wiped the blood off his right hand and left the scene. He was done here. Done with everything, really.

Lily

January was colder than it used to be - at least that was Lily's personal opinion. She was sitting next to Alice during a particularly boring lesson in History of Magic and buried her face in her Gryffindor scarf which she refused to take off even when she was inside. It was funny, really. A few weeks ago she had praised the snow and everything that came with it, but now Lily found herself wanting spring more than ever before.

She missed the heat, the light and the way everybody just seemed to… cheer up. These days, most students and teachers seemed to spend their days in darkness. Particularly James who, come to think of it, she hadn't seen since last night. Lily looked around and spotted Sirius, Remus and Peter sitting in their normal seats close to the entrance.

Where was he?

Alice seemed to realize what her friend was searching for.

"Amelia asked Black, he said James decided to stay in bed this morning"

"I can't imagine why" Lily's voice was dripping with sarcasm while she pretended to listen as professor Binns went on and on about the Goblin War in the 18th century. "I wouldn't miss this for the world"

They both giggled and Lily reminded herself that in less than six months, Hogwarts would be over for her. No more lessons, no more strolls across the grounds, no more dining in the Great Hall. She would miss it all so much once they had graduated - even lessons like this one.

"Have you talked to him yet?" Alice suddenly whispered.

Lily furrowed.

"To who, Binns?"

Her friend rolled her eyes demonstratively.

"No. James!"

At the mention of his name Lily suddenly felt like someone had sucked out the little energy she had left inside of her and she felt just as cold and gloomy as the weather outside.

"I…" she started. "No. Not since that night in the common room when he wouldn't even look at me when I said goodnight. But it's changed, Alice. He's changed. Before it was almost like he was… scared to be around me. Now it's like…"

She drifted off. She had known James for over six years. With time she'd learned how to tell which mood he was in by analyzing the way he moved, talked and acted. Maybe she was a really good reader or maybe he was just far too obvious; she couldn't tell. The point was that James had never been very good at hiding his feelings and before that night in the common room he had simply stayed calm and quiet. Not to mention that he'd sneaked off as soon as he spotted her coming… No yells, no comments. Nothing. But now…

Something had changed.

Lily had accidentally caught James' gaze in Charms class yesterday and before he had looked away (like he always did) she had been able to make out fury in his chocolate brown eyes. Fury and… hurt? He had clenched his jaw and his fists, perhaps to remind himself to stay strong.

James Potter was no longer afraid to be around her - he just didn't want to.

That statement alone gave Lily a hard time breathing properly. What's the matter with me?

"Like what?"

For a moment she'd forgotten all about school, History of Magic and Alice. She opened her mouth but she didn't have time to respond before the door suddenly opened and James walked inside. His hair was messy, the circles under his eyes clearly visible and he hadn't even bothered to put on his uniform. His classmates all stared at him but Lily stared perhaps hardest of all.

"Sorry I'm late"

There was no meaning behind the words, it was just something he knew he was expected to say. Professor Binns barely looked at him as he replied:

"Don't worry Patmore, just take a seat"

Ignoring Binns' mistake regarding his name, James walked across the classroom without looking up. Lily held her breath. There was an empty seat by the table next to hers and Alice's and he was heading right for it. If she could just have a moment to talk to him, ask him what was going on…

But then James looked up. Saw her. Turned around quickly and chose another seat over by the window. Alice raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"… Like he's really mad about something" Lily finished their discussion from earlier and Alice nodded, apparently thinking that there was no doubt her friend had jumped to the right conclusion.

James

"NO BELL! ON MY LEFT, I SAID FOR YOU TO BE ON MY LEFT!"

Anger. Constant frustration. There was no better way to describe it and James hated what it did to him. He was tired, so tired during the least appropriate times. During the days he wanted to sleep and during the nights he stayed awake, unable to relax or even close his eyes for more than a couple of seconds at a time. He recognized this feeling all too well by now, it was the same thing that had happened when his parents died. The shock had made him tired. The denial had made him tired. The anger had made him tired. Just like it did now.

Unfortunately, he was not very good at hiding it even when he was surrounded by other people. This Saturday morning it was his teammates that had to endure it. James knew he'd acted like a jerk for the past hour and he hated the looks of hurt and confusion on their faces. Still, there was nothing he could do about it. It had been over a week since Snape had confronted him about his guilt and told him about Lily.

Lily.

Lily who he, perhaps without even realizing, had begun to trust. Lily who had become more than just someone he'd been pathetically in love with for the past couple of years. She'd become a friend. He felt let down and it was all too overwhelming to actually deal with. One part of him wanted to ask her why she hadn't told him that Snape knew. He, James, could have forced it out of him at some time… He might have been able to figure out who was after him, Lily might have been able to figure it out for him.

Now it was all too late. Snape would be prepared for a confrontation and wouldn't say a word.

The fury and pain he felt inside destroyed everything, made it impossible to concentrate on anything. School, quidditch, NEWT-exams. What was the point? He hated how Lily always had the right answers to the right questions, hated how she always said the right thing. He hated her perfect hair, her skin, her body and her eyes. He hated how not even all this could make him move on and forget how he felt about her.

Sirius, Remus and Peter waited for him outside the changing rooms and they all headed for the Great Hall to have breakfast once practice was over.

"You're not exactly making yourself popular out there" Sirius said, nodding towards the quidditch field. "I know you're angry with Evans but…"

"You don't know anything!"

James regretted his words the second they left his mouth and he saw the look of hurt on his best friend's face. Sirius and the others had noticed that something was wrong the very next morning after James' and Snape's little conversation and he hadn't been able to hide the truth (well, at least parts of it) from them. He'd told them what Avery, Mulciber and Snape had discussed. That Snape said that he should prepare for the "real deal", whatever that meant, and that he'd told Lily before Christmas that he knew who had attacked James in Hogsmeade. That someone was still after him, and probably wanted him dead.

Sirius, Remus and Peter were all shocked and James couldn't fully ignore his sense of triumph. At least now they believed him when he said that he hadn't just fainted for no good reason that day. However, he hadn't told his friends about Snape's mockery, how he'd basically admitted to James that he could see right through him. It was uncomfortable enough to even think about.

He knew that his friends were scared for him and that they'd tried to find a solution to the problem, a way to expose the real culprits. From James' point of view it looked rather dark, though. The only thing he could do was talking to Snape again and he'd rather die than hearing him repeat those words.

You just stood there… You did nothing… It's all your fault.

"I'm sorry" James looked at Sirius, hoping that his friend would know that he meant it. "I didn't mean that, I just… I'm so tired, that's all. I think I'm going to bed"

Peter raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"It's ten o' clock in the morning"

So what?

"Well maybe I'm coming down with something" James replied shortly, hoping that kharma would make his lie come true. "It's not like we have anything better to do, anyway"

He just needed to rest. Just a short moment of rest before he could deal with the people who were apparently after him, Snape, the Potter manor that needed to be sold or taken care of, his NEWT-exams coming up in only three months, quidditch and the game against Hufflepuff, Lily… It was a lucky thing Remus interrupted his thoughts for he didn't know for how long he'd be able to continue.

"I still think you should talk to Dumbledore. He said he'd talked to some aurors at the Ministry who are doing everything they can, didn't he?"

"Exactly" James replied bitterly, right as they walked across the Entrance Hall. "There's nothing I can do to help them out. I have no information to give them. I have nothing"

You're helpless, hopeless. Like always. Is there anything you can get right?

"You can tell him that you heard Snape talking to Avery and Mulciber…"

James snorted loudly.

"And where's my proof, Remus? It will be my word against theirs and you know what they say: innocent until proven guilty"

"Then that's what we'll do" Sirius suddenly said and they all looked at him. "We'll prove them guilty"

"How?" Peter asked, completely ignoring some first years' complaints about him and the other Marauders blocking the entrance to the Great Hall. "How do we do that?"

Sirius opened his mouth, then closed it again. And James already knew what he was going to say.

"I don't know yet. But we'll figure something out, together! They're not exactly the smartest people in this castle, are they?"

"Snape's not stupid" James muttered darkly. "He's not going to fall for some simple trick. Not this time"

"Then ask Evans for help! Ask her to talk to Snape, ask her to ask him to tell her what he knows!"

The mere thought of breakfast was suddenly sickening. Without realizing, Sirius had just added another problem to James' long list. Now, he would also have to go around worrying about his best friend getting into trouble for playing hero and trying to solve all this on his own. Whatever Sirius had in mind it would not end well and James didn't need to feel responsible for another failure. He'd had more than enough already.

"I'm not asking Evans anything" he snapped. "She lied to me and I don't trust her"

Sirius opened his mouth to oppose but luckily, Remus beat him to it:

"It's your decision, James" And just like that, he changed the subject. "Are you sure you don't want some toast before you go to bed?"

"Pretty sure" James replied before turning around to leave. "I'll see you later"

Once he reached the Heads' common room he was glad to find that Lily was nowhere in sight. Good. The less he had to see of her, the better. Snape's words played on repeat in his head:

Perhaps you two aren't so close, after all.

There were so many things he ought to take care of, a really long essay that they were supposed to hand in to Slughorn on Monday, for example. James climbed the stairs to his dorm, opened the door and grabbed his Potions book from the bed before throwing it across the room. He'd come to think of what Lily had said on Christmas Eve,

You know… If you ever want to talk, about anything, I'm here.

You won't be sad forever, James.

Realization hit him for the hundredth time and it hurt so bad he had no idea what to do with himself. He'd trusted her, he'd let her in and told her how he felt. She'd listened, but all this time she'd known that Snape knew… She had kept the truth from him when he needed it to move on, to feel safe again.

James slowly walked across the room, picked up his textbook from the floor and placed it on his bedside table before he got out of his quidditch robes. He didn't even bother taking a shower. Was this what depression was like? Was it about to hit him - if it hadn't already? Maybe he was going mad, perhaps everything that he'd been through would make him lose is mind?

And with that worry haunting his thoughts, James fell into a dreamless and yet not completely satisfying sleep.

Lily

"So…"

Lily waited. McGonagall had asked her to stay behind after Transfiguration class but after five minutes the older witch was still focusing on the essays her students had just handed in. She barely looked up from her desk, which gave Lily a lot of time to wonder what this was about. Was there something wrong with her essay? Had she got it all wrong? What else could the Transfiguration teacher possibly want with her - something that was apparently so important that she'd asked Alice and the others to wait outside?

"How is being Head Girl working out for you so far?"

McGonagall finally met her gaze and Lily stared back at her. They had already talked about this before Christmas and she'd said that everything was fine. What could possibly have changed during the past month? Had McGonagall received complaints from some prefect, maybe that idiot Smith who James had started arguing with during their very first meeting? The thoughts were spinning through Lily's head as she replied:

"Uhm… Just fine, professor. Why?"

"And Potter?" McGonagall asked, ignoring her question. "I trust he's still taking his responsibility?"

Lily felt a sting in her heart at the mention of his name and she remembered the look he'd given her in Charms the week before. Like he hated her. Like she was nothing. Honestly speaking, she couldn't answer her teacher's question. During their last patrolling James had suggested they'd split up and so she had no idea how he'd handled his part of the job.

"I… I think so"

She felt like an idiot when seeing the look on McGonagall's face. Of course the Head Girl should know if the Head Boy was doing his job. Of course she and James should be on speaking terms, for the sake of the school and everything they had to organize and take care of.

"Well… Whatever it is he's spending his time focusing on it certainly isn't Potions" McGonagall sighed. "According to professor Slughorn he missed to hand in yet another essay a couple of days ago. If he keeps this up he doesn't stand a chance in his NEWT exams, that's for sure"

Lily didn't know what to say. Why did the Transfiguration teacher tell her this? What could she possibly have to do with James' academic situation? Apparently, they were not even speaking these days. Whatever problems he had, Lily had nothing to do with it. And yet, despite everything, she couldn't help herself. She had to defend and stand up for him.

"I think he's quite stressed out" she admitted, silently wondering why she felt so sure of the things she was planning to say. "I mean, we have a lot of homework in all subjects now to prepare for our NEWTs and on top of it he has to train the Gryffindor's quidditch team, take care of his duties as Head Boy…"

She drifted off, suddenly realizing just how stressed out James must be. Not to mention…

"… And he's still grieving, professor. I think people can get really exhausted from that"

There was a long silence. McGonagall scrutinized her from behind her square shaped spectacles.

"You seem to have given this a lot of thought, Evans"

"What? No!"

There it was again, that stupid blushing. Why?

"No it's… I think it's rather obvious for anyone to see" she finished lamely and luckily, McGonagall accepted her excuse.

"I was thinking you might be able to help him"

Lily stared at her.

"Sorry?"

She'd heard. She just couldn't understand.

"I was thinking that you could help Potter catching up in Potions. It's one of your best subjects, isn't it? And seeing as you're already spending quite a lot of time together as Heads…"

"Hang on" Lily held up her hand, silencing her professor. "Potter and I are not spending 'quite a lot of time' together! In fact, we're not even…"

She didn't finish her sentence and McGonagall waited before sighing impatiently.

"You're not even what, miss Evans?"

"He's not even speaking to me"

She felt ashamed, stupid even, to admit it. McGonagall must be wondering what she had done to deserve this. If only Lily herself knew…

"I think it could really help him on his way to a new and better life"

Why did she have to say it like that? Like James' future happiness depended on her, Lily?! She suddenly came to think of the look on his face on the Hogwarts Express, that day when she'd first found out he was Head Boy. How broken he'd seemed and still was, sometimes. How he'd changed from the arrogant, boasting and self conscious James Potter to… someone else. Someone who deserved better than this. Someone who needed help but was too proud to ask for it.

"He wouldn't want my help anyway" Lily mumbled, so low she wasn't sure McGonagall heard her at first. "Really, you should ask somebody else…"

"Well, I am not asking somebody else, Evans" McGonagall snapped. "I am asking you because I know you're the best person for the job and Slughorn agrees. Now, I am not forcing you into anything but I would appreciate it if you could at least think it through. Of course, you would not only be helping James but also yourself while you're at it! I would be surprised if professor Slughorn does not give you an 'Outstanding' in your NEWTs"

The thought was appealing, Lily had to admit. An "Outstanding" in Potions would get her far, especially in a potential future career as an auror… But tutoring James? Was it worth it?

"I'll think about it professor" she promised.

She knew that somewhere inside, she had already made up her mind. It was getting James to agree that was the problem. She wasn't sure for how much longer she could take this silence between the two of them. For some strange reason, it ate her up from inside and Lily just wanted it to stop.

She had to talk to him. This needed to end. Now.

Author's note: Thanks for your reviews on the latest chapter, they really keep me going! This chapter is more of a filler, really. There'll be more Lily/James in the next one, I promise. Thanks for reading!