Disclaimer: I do not own Danger Mouse or any canon characters. They are the property of Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall. I do own Dr. Moore.

Notes: While the standard of this chapter may seem like another filler, the conversations DM and Penfold have in this are actually very important. Thus, I have decided to consider this to be a main chapter.

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide.

Relationship is still not romantic. Intimacy returns in this chapter, but this is not romantic.

I hope you enjoy this!

(Linebreaks hate me, so I will use DMEP.)

DMEP

The road to recovery is a long one. Of course, the journey isn't easy, as our heroes will soon learn.

Later that afternoon, Penfold noticed he felt tense. It was an unwelcome unease in his body. He felt like he had to do something to relieve it, but what? It wasn't anything to do with hunger, not even his sweeties would be able to help. It didn't take long for him to realise it wasn't the first time he'd experienced that sensation. In fact, it was similar to what he felt a couple of nights earlier. Does this mean I am experiencing urges? He mentally shook his head, dismissing the thought. No, that can't be right. I was fine earlier.

Danger Mouse looked to Penfold. "Are you alright?"

"Hm? Why wouldn't I be?" He looked up at the mouse.

"Current circumstances aside, you've been rubbing vigorously at your forearm for the last ten minutes."

"I have?" He hadn't even noticed that. In fact, he'd been trying to stay focused on the movie the trio of rodents had turned on.

Agent 57 looked to Danger Mouse. "I remember when you did that too. You don't suppose it could be that, could it?"

The mouse's eye widened. "You're experiencing urges, aren't you?" he whispered. He reached a paw over to take grasp of the hamster's and noticed immediately that his best friend was incredibly tense. "Good grief, Penfold, you feel tense!"

"No, no, I'm alright. I can't be experiencing urges, I was fine not too long ago," Penfold replied.

"Whether you were fine a minute ago or an hour ago matters little. Those urges can come and go whenever they please, no matter how you feel."

"But, DM, I..."

"Come along, we need to deal with that. I promise you'll feel relieved once we have." He rose to his feet and waited for the smaller rodent to do so. He then turned to Agent 57. "You can keep watching, we're just going into the kitchen to get some ice."

The chipmunk blinked once before realisation struck. "Ah, the ice relief then? Alright, if you're sure you'll be alright."

"I'll be okay, 57. Right now, it's Penfold who isn't." He walked alongside the hamster into the kitchen.

DMEP

He had Penfold sit at the table. "Now, don't move while I get out an ice cube." He opened the freezer, found the ice cube tray and pulled it out. He managed to get a cube from it before returning the tray to the freezing confines. He returned to Penfold's side. "Alright, roll up your sleeve, please."

He did so.

"Alright now, you take this ice and run it along your forearm."

He accepted the cube and did as instructed. The stinging sensation he felt shocked him for a second, but soon he noticed he was starting to feel relieved. "How did you know?"

"I was the same. After I started getting help and any means of hurting myself were kept in areas I was unable to access, I would often feel tense. I would try pacing around the room, but it did little to make me feel more at ease. I soon started rubbing vigorously at my forearm, in the same areas I had... Ahem. Anyway, I remembered being advised different ways to deal with the urges once I realised I was experiencing them. I did what you're doing now. It helped a lot of the time."

"I am feeling a bit better now."

"That's good. We'll have to remember to write this down when you're done."

"But, what started this? I really was fine not long ago..."

"It just...happens. Do you remember what I said yesterday? About suicidal feelings?"

"They come in waves."

"Exactly. Maybe you believed you were fine because they were barely noticeable. But, they started coming in stronger and that's when they started to affect you."

"I think I get it now. Come to think of it, the feeling I had was similar to the other night, when I was considering jumping."

"When the urges started making themselves known, what were your thoughts? As in, what were you considering doing?"

"Um, well, I don't think I was considering sneaking out and trying again."

"Thank goodness for that..."

"I just...felt like I needed to do something to myself, but I wasn't exactly sure what it was."

"Now you know."

"Mm."

He sat down opposite him. "This is why it is important to talk about it. I told you, tell me if you are experiencing urges and we can work through them together."

"It's not that I didn't want to tell you. It's more like I didn't believe that was what I was feeling."

"I see. But, that is another reason why it is important. The next time you start feeling any unease, let me know. I can help you find out if it's leading to you experiencing urges or not. If it is, then I can help you take care of it before it becomes too pronounced."

"Okay."

"If you leave it for too long, deciding to try to ignore it, it will just make it much worse. At that point, not even the ice would be able to help you."

"Do you mean it could lead to me actually wanting to do something that can hurt me?"

"Maybe even worse than that."

"Oh, 'eck...!"

"Even talking about it wouldn't make it much easier."

"Did it once happen to you?"

"Before I got help. I normally wouldn't have considered hurting myself, but everything just built up. I tried ignoring my urges, not even sharing them with anybody else and...you've seen and heard how that worked out for me."

"I have."

"So, next time, please tell me?"

"I will."

"How is it now?"

"A little better. It's still there, but it's not as bad."

"I see." He sighed. "Do you have an idea of what could've served as a trigger to it?"

"A trigger?"

"Something to set it off."

"Oh. Erm, I don't think so. Didn't you say it sometimes just happens?"

"It does, but there are also times something can trigger it. Even subconsciously."

"Oh. But, if it's subconscious, then doesn't that mean it's without me even realising it?"

"Yes, similar to how you didn't seem to realise you were rubbing your arm."

He sighed. The ice cube was melting, his paw was getting wet and it was getting more difficult to keep a firm grasp.

"You can rub it on your arm at any speed. If going fast could help, then do so. If a slower pace makes it feel better, then stick to it."

"What other ways are there to deal with this?"

"There are times there is actually a feeling of wanting to see yourself bleed. You can deal with that by using either red dye, red paint, red marker or the ink from a red pen. Draw lines on your arm."

"In the same way I am using the ice?"

"Exactly."

"Okay. I don't think I would want to see myself bleed, but I will keep that in mind."

"Good." He noticed the ice cube was much smaller than when he first handed it to the hamster. "Looks like the ice is almost used up."

"I'm worried I will drop it."

"Don't worry if you do, it just becomes water when it melts; it can easily by dried with a towel."

He sighed in relief. "Okay, the feeling is gone now."

"I'm glad to hear that. We still need to document it though."

"What exactly would I write?"

"The basic details, of course. Today's date, an estimate of the time the urges started making themselves known, the feelings you experienced, what you did to take care of them."

"Oh, I get it."

"Good, I'm glad. We'll do that now then. Just pop the remainder of the cube in the sink."

He rose to his feet, stepped to the sink and dropped the tiny bit of ice into it. He then returned to Danger Mouse's side.

"The journal is in the lounge."

"What time is it now, DM?"

"Almost 4:30 in the afternoon."

"Okay, so that means the urges maybe started about...quarter-past?"

"I'd say at ten-past, considering you were rubbing your arm starting from quarter-past."

"Ah."

Danger Mouse rose to his feet, took hold of Penfold's damp paw and walked alongside him out of the kitchen. "I say, your paw is rather chilled, huh?"

"You're helping it warm up again."

DMEP

The credits were rolling by the time Danger Mouse and Penfold sat down. Danger Mouse picked up the journal from the small table and handed that and a pen to the hamster. "Neat handwriting, mind you. Dr. Moore needs to be able to read it."

"Okay." He opened the journal, removed the lid from the pen and started writing.

Agent 57 got to his feet and stretched. "Right, I'll get tea started. See you two soon. Shame you missed the movie though."

"Not at all, we've seen it a dozen times," Danger Mouse responded. "I'd offer you a hand, but..."

"I know, old boy. Don't worry about it. Right then, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." He retreated into the mentioned room.

Penfold paused in his writing. "I feel like I need to write something else."

"What do you mean?" Danger Mouse asked.

"Here, you have a look. You might see it too."

He accepted the journal and read through what Penfold had written. "Hm, it looks clear enough to me. You remembered to include how you felt when the urges made themselves known, and you made sure to write down how you took care of it. The time is written, as is the date. It doesn't have to be lengthy like a novel, just the basics for Dr. Moore to follow. This is fine, you don't need to add more." He handed the journal back to the hamster. "Keep that with you."

"Okay." He closed the journal and replaced the cap on the pen. "Hey, DM?"

"Yes, Penfold?"

"Do you think seeing this will have him decide to put me on anti-depressants?"

"If it happens enough times, it just might. Is something troubling you?"

"Why would I need medicine? I'm not sick, am I?"

"Actually, Penfold, and I say this with no intent on offending you, you are. That's why they take it seriously in hospitals too."

"But, weren't you put in hospital because you nearly died?"

"Yes, but when they realised how it happened, they gave me an examination."

"Oh. So, this is basically a mind sickness?"

"You could put it like that. That's why sometimes, medication is required to help move things along."

"Were you on them?"

"I was."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm not on them anymore because they took me off them after seeing I was well on the way to recovery, so I didn't actually need them anymore."

"Oh. So, it would help?"

"If Dr. Moore believes it will, then you should take it into consideration."

"You mean he can't make me take them?"

"No, he can't. He can prescribe them, but he can't make you take the medication. It's up to you. He can advise it, he can provide guidance, but in the end, it is all up to how you feel."

"What do you think I should do?"

"It's not up to me. It is between you and Dr. Moore."

"I know some medications have side effects. Do these?"

"They can have them, yes."

"Did yours?"

"For a brief while. For the first fortnight, I was nauseous. I was also rather drowsy. As my body adjusted to them, that became far less frequent. Soon, they were a thing of the past."

"What other side effects are there?"

"They can range from patient to patient. Dr. Moore will make sure he finds one that isn't going to cause you too many concerns."

"You didn't answer my question, DM. What other side effects are there?"

He sighed. "I don't want to frighten you."

"DM, please, I need to know."

"I know you do. Very well, but come here."

He shifted closer and felt the mouse lift him onto his lap and pull him into a warm embrace. "DM, what's wrong?"

"Some can be mere inconveniences, like the nausea and drowsiness I experienced. Some can be a little more serious. Among the worst side effects...is increase in suicidal thoughts."

"What? How can that be?"

"Because they work for everybody in different ways. I'm not saying that would happen to you if you took them. There are different types out there. Dr. Moore would take everything into consideration to try to find the right medicine for you. He won't just be concerning himself with any allergies, but with your mental condition."

"How else could they affect someone?"

"Another side effect...and this one is something Dr. Moore must be made aware is possible considering your nature...is paranoia."

"Paranoia...?"

"Sometimes, even severe." He felt the hamster start trembling. "Penfold?"

"I don't want to hear anymore, thanks." He turned in his embrace and buried his face in the mouse's chest. "No more, please."

"Alright, I'll stop. I only told you because you asked."

"I don't think I want to take them. I don't want to risk myself getting worse."

He rubbed his back gently. "I know, Penfold. But, as I said, they vary from person to person. Even from rodent to rodent in our case. Just because one patient experiences one symptom, it does not mean every patient will."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore..."

"Alright, we can end the conversation here."

"Thank you."

"Are you alright?"

"No."

"What's the matter?"

"Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to get sick like this? Why should I have to worry about needing to take medication? Why...?"

"It can happen to anybody and at any time for any reason. I can't give you a straight answer. I may have gone through it, but I am not an expert."

"I don't mean to make it sound like I think you are one..."

"I know."

"But, I just..."

He could hear his friend getting choked up. "You wish this didn't have to happen, don't you?"

"Mm-hm."

"Nobody ever wants this to happen. To call it unpleasant is an understatement. This can affect someone's life, after all." He pressed his lips to the top of the hamster's head, before resting his chin there. He continued rubbing his back as he let out quiet sobs. "But, you will be alright one day. It might take a long time, but there will come a day you can say that you feel alright and know you mean it."

"I hope so..."

"It will, Penfold. I know it will."

Agent 57 was about to enter the lounge room to let them know the food was almost done, but halted and returned to the kitchen when he saw Danger Mouse was holding a sobbing Penfold. I'll leave them be for now.

"There, there, it will be alright one day. I promise."

Penfold couldn't respond with more than a few sobs.

"For now though, just let it out. I'm here. I won't leave you."

DMEP

Danger Mouse noticed Penfold's trembling and sobs had ceased. "Do you feel a little better now?"

"Not really." He inhaled deeply and let out a quiet sigh before pulling back enough so he could share eye contact. "I'm glad you were able to tell me, thank you for that. But, I just...I hate all of this. I hate being this way."

"I know, Penfold. But, it won't be forever."

"That's something to be thankful for. But, the fact it is happening at all..."

He pulled him close again and felt the hamster nuzzle against his chest. "I know, I know." He didn't know what else he could say. He could understand how Penfold was feeling about the whole situation, but what exactly could he say to try to comfort him?

He sniffed and let out a sigh again. "I'm sorry."

"Hm?"

"I'm just being silly..."

"Not at all. Wishing you weren't dealing with your current situation is perfectly understandable."

"Did you have times like this too?"

"All the time."

"What helped?"

"Nothing, unfortunately. The only thing that could help me was finally recovering."

"Oh."

"I knew I had support, but sometimes, it just got to be too hard."

He nodded. "Were there times you felt tired?"

"Always. I felt tired of everything."

"Even life?"

"Especially life." He blinked once before pulling the hamster back. "Penfold, is that how you're feeling right now?"

"Mm-hm."

"You're not...suicidal again, are you?"

"Mm-hm."

His eye widened. "Penfold...?"

"I feel like being dead would be better than feeling like this."

"I understand. But, death is not the answer. Things will improve. You just need a break from everything, that's all." He thought about it. "That's it. When Dr. Moore feels it is a good time to do so, you and I can take a holiday. How about in the serene countryside? We could find somewhere to camp for a few days."

"I like the sound of that."

"In that case, we'll do that."

"But, why do we have to wait?"

"Even though a holiday may seem like the best way to get away from everything for a while, we still need to be mindful of our current mental conditions."

"How are you, DM?"

"Very, very worried."

"I'm sorry..."

"No, don't apologise. I care about you." He gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, so of course I would be feeling this way."

He nodded. "I love you too. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. Me feeling like death would be better, you being so worried...I'm sorry..."

"As I said, don't apologise."

He was the one to move closer, resting his head against the mouse's chest. "I can't help it. I feel like I have to because what is happening is because of me."

"Alright then, I understand. I don't want you to apologise, but if it makes you feel better, I will respond with it's going to be alright each time. Things may not be alright for either of us right now, but they will be. I know it."

"Okay, DM."

DMEP

It may seem like everything is going backwards, judging by Penfold's mindset, but it is only because everything has barely begun. There is still a long road ahead that our heroes must traverse, but as long as they do it together, everything will be alright, just as Danger Mouse said himself.

DMEP

After notes: Borrowing from my own experiences again. The tension I mentioned Penfold was feeling when his urges were becoming more pronounced, as with the vigorous arm rubbing, those are what I experience when I feel my own urges.

The conversation about anti-depressants is not like the one I had when I was 18 and first diagnosed with Depression. At that time, I was already taking iron and vitamin c supplements (first time I had iron-deficient anaemia), and because it took me up to three pills a day, I was worried I was becoming a pill-popper. I had to be reassured I was far from that as what I was taking was to help me. I read about the side effects in the little pamphlets that come with the medications. I was often worried I would experience the worst. DM's experience with anti-depressants is the same as mine, though when I was first put on them at 18, the nausea would not go away so I had to be taken off them. Later in the years, I was able to handle them a little better so while I did experience nausea and drowsiness, it was temporary and soon, I was alright again.

The last conversation about how Penfold wished he didn't feel the way he was, including feeling tired of everything (including life) is a common mindset. I experience that very often, even when not going through the worst times. DM's suggestion of them going on a holiday was inspired by my father having me stay with my grandparents in Toora, a small country town, for a week when I was 18. At that time, I was in a bad way (going semi-catatonic at times), it was even affecting Dad. It was advised I get away from stress, but the time apart helped Dad a little too; we both felt a bit better when I got back home.

There will be a bit of a timeskip, just a few months ahead, just so there is a speed in progress, but this won't affect the story too much.

Thank you for reading. You don't have to review, but if you choose to say something, please don't flame. I do wholeheartedly welcome constructive criticism.