Valentine's Day

"And I'm not gonna take that back
And I'm not gonna say, 'I don't mean that'
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home"

Coldplay - A Message

"You're going to do what?"

Alice laughed. She was actually laughing and Lily felt like punching her in the face. Instead, she grabbed her pillow from her bed and threw it at her friend.

"STOP IT! I JUST SPENT THE LAST HOUR FIXING MY HAIR!"

Alice grimaced at her reflection in the mirror. She and Lily were in the seventh year girls' dormitory in the Gryffindor tower and the former was getting ready for her date in Hogsmeade with Frank Longbottom. Honestly speaking, Lily saw no reason for her friend to worry. No matter how many pillows someone threw at her she'd still be beautiful and Frank already adored her.

"Do you really think he likes me?" Alice asked Lily for the hundredth time, turning around to face her with a worried frown on her face. "Oh god, what if this is all a huge mistake…"

"Likes you? Likes you?!" Lily exclaimed, laughing. "Alice, he's crazy about you and anyone can see that!"

"Well…" Alice turned to face her own reflection again. "I bet James will be crazy about you too - after you've been his tutor in Potions"

Lily had silently hoped that Alice would have forgotten what she'd just been told, seeing as she was already so nervous about her date with Frank. Unfortunately, however, the smirk on Alice's face told otherwise.

"Do you want another pillow thrown at you?" Lily threatened and Alice hurried to cover her head, still laughing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I just… I can't believe McGonagall would actually suggest that! She, if any teacher, knows about everything that's happened between the two of you in the past. And James is still not talking to you, is he?"

"Unless you count 'Let's go' during our patrolling in the school corridors at night, then no" Lily replied shortly, feeling rather gloomy. "And honestly, if he wants to be a baby about it and not tell me what's wrong then that's his problem. I really couldn't care less"

But that was a downright lie. Even though they had been back at Hogwarts for about a month now, and even though it had been three weeks since she realized that James was actually mad at her about something, it still hurt just as much. It reminded Lily of how she'd felt when Petunia had first started to ignore her the summer before Lily first went to Hogwarts. Her sister had refused to talk to or even look at her and it was a horrible experience.

But this thing with James was even worse. At least Petunia had her reasons, but what reasons did he have? What had Lily done that had made him change his mind about her all of sudden?

Alice gave her a long look before asking innocently:

"But you're still willing to tutor him if he wants you to?"

"I have to" Lily replied, imagining the look on James' face as he realized that he wouldn't be able to graduate with the other seventh years. "He'll fail his NEWT exams if I don't and let's be honest, he doesn't deserve that after everything he's been through. Whatever reason he has for holding a grudge against me, it can't be more important than that"

"If you say so…" Alice replied.

She walked over to Lily, who was still sitting in bed dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, and scrutinized her friend up and down.

"Are you wearing that to Hogsmeade?" she asked skeptically. "You do realize that I will look stupid, having spent so much time on my appearances, next to you right?"

Lily snorted loudly.

"Please… One can't even talk about you and 'looking stupid' on the same day"

Alice had used her wand to make her dark brown hair fall in soft curls on her shoulders. It was sleek and shiny. She had used a bit more make up than usual and thanks to the mascara her eyes looked like they belonged to a doe rather than a human. She looked absolutely stunning and there was no doubt that Frank would agree.

"Well, do you really want the Marauders to see you like that?" She giggled. "You do remember you've promised to accompany Amelia and Black to the Three Brommsticks, right?"

Lily sighed, knowing she didn't have a choice. Whilst rummaging through her trunk, searching for something appropriate to wear, she said:

"If it is a date then I don't understand why they would want me, James, Remus and Peter there. Won't that be awkward?"

She found a pair of dark blue jeans and a black shirt. It would have to do. She decided to let her hair down and fixed it with the help of her wand. After having put on some make up she was ready to go.

"Apparently Amelia's afraid it'll be even more awkward if you lot are not there. And you know the Marauders; they never keep quiet. It'll be a day full of jokes and laughs, I can assure you"

"Can't wait…" Lily muttered sarcastically, knowing for sure that James would keep pretending like she didn't exist.

Whilst she was rather sad and hurt, she couldn't help feeling humiliated and angry, too. What right did he have to make her feel this way? Who was he to be angry with her without sharing the reason? And how bloody long was he going to keep this up?

She wasn't very excited about Hogsmeade at all, but she knew that she had to be there. For Amelia's sake. And so, she and Alice left their dormitory and hurried downstairs to meet up with their friends in the Entrance Hall. Alice was going to meet Frank at Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop later.

"Cheer up!" Alice exclaimed, when seeing the rather sour look in Lily's face. "It's Valentine's Day, who knows what'll happen?"

Lily felt how her heart skipped a bit as she spotted James standing with the other Marauders just by the front doors. He was wearing dark jeans, just like herself, and a jacket that she didn't recognize. Despite the messy hair, the glasses that never stuck in place and the dark circles under his eyes he looked strangely… handsome.

Wait, what?

I did not just think that, Lily told herself firmly. I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, that's all. And no wonder with all the homework we've been assigned…

To get her mind off the matter she decided to comment on the thing Alice had just told her.

"That's easy for you to say…" she muttered darkly. "You've got a valentine!"

James

"You have to talk to her"

Sirius was, probably for the first time in his life, lowering his voice and James was grateful. Lily was walking only a couple of meters behind them, having a rather heated discussion with Remus. Even though James knew it was none of his business, he couldn't help wondering what they were talking about. He rolled his eyes at his best friend.

"I said no! I am only agreeing to all this because you don't dare to be alone with Amelia..."

"Yes I do!"

"Don't"

"Do!"

"Then why do two insist on your friends accompanying you to the Three Broomsticks?" James asked. "That's not much of a date, is it?"

"It'll be less awkward…" Sirius muttered. "When you guys are there I know we'll have something to talk about"

James knew that he would not be doing much of the talking this afternoon. He still hadn't confronted Lily about what Snape had said and even though the whole situation started feeling rather ridiculous he simply couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt let down and he didn't want to trust her again. He couldn't take anymore of this. All he needed was to stay away and the rest would come naturally…

"What if she could help you persuade Snape to tell you the truth?" Sirius said for the tenth time. "Then you could go to Dumbledore and he could put an end to all this"

"She hates Snape these days, they're not even friends anymore" James replied, feeling extremely tired of having this discussion yet another time. "He's not likely to tell her anything"

"Well, you don't know that until you've tried, do you?" Sirius insisted. "Besides, I think Snivellus fancies her…"

James snorted.

"Yeah, right… He would never care for anyone else if it meant he couldn't save his own skin"

"… and that's just unbelievable!"

James and Sirius both turned around as Lily had obviously raised her voice. Her face was flushed and she stormed off, ignoring Remus as he called for her to come back. "What happened?" James mouthed to Remus but the latter just shook his head, looking rather gloomy. Lily was now walking next to Peter, Alice and Amelia and refused to look at James, Sirius or Remus.

"Merlin…" Sirius said to Remus as he came to join them. "Now you're fighting with Evans, too?"

"We're not fighting…" Remus muttered quietly. "I just… I said something I shouldn't have and…"

"And what?" James asked, suddenly getting the feeling that something was not right.

Remus refused to look him in the eye. Like he felt really bad about something.

What had he just said to Lily?

Lily

It had been Alice's idea, really. As soon as Filch had counted all the students that were going to Hogsmeade (and controlled the younger students' permission notes) she had convinced Lily that she ought to talk to Remus.

"He's one of James' closest friends" she had whispered, careful not to make Amelia or any of the Marauders hear her. "If there's anyone, apart from Sirius, who might know why James is suddenly mad at you it's him!"

Lily had hesitated, at first. Even though she definitely considered Remus her friend the two of them had not been very close lately. Besides, Alice was right: he was one of James' closest friends. Why would he let him down to tell her the truth? But then, Remus had walked right up to her and Alice had hurried to leave the two of them alone. As soon as she looked him in the eye Lily knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself. This was her chance at getting the truth out of him and she wouldn't miss it.

"How are you Lily?" Remus asked gently, smiling at her.

"I'm fine, I guess" Lily said, shrugging slightly.

Unless one counts the little Potter-problem.

"What about you? I feel like we haven't had time to catch up lately"

"I'm fine, it's almost three weeks until the next full moon" Remus replied, lowering his voice slightly.

"Oh" Lily just said.

She never knew how to react whenever this subject was brought up. She didn't know whether Remus had told the other Marauders that she knew about his secret. At least she was glad to know that he was okay. She'd heard all about how dangerous the transformation was and what it could do to people who happened to be around at the time…

Like Snape had been - before James had saved him.

Trying not to think about that, Lily changed the subject:

"I… I've been wanting to ask you something but I guess I just… haven't found the right moment"

Was this the right moment? Or was she about to make a terrible mistake?

"What is it? You know you can talk to me about anything, Lily" Remus said and she knew that he meant it.

After all, he had confided in her with one of his biggest secrets. If there was anyone who was bound not to let her down, it was Remus Lupin. Lily suddenly felt a strong affection towards him. She took a deep breath. Here we go.

"Well it's… It's James"

Remus furrowed.

"What about him?"

She thought about the almost-kiss during Christmas and hated how she started to blush when silently wondering if Remus had found it. She thought about the fights, the times James had confided and trusted in her. The times he had looked like there was no point of staying alive and the times he'd laughed, actually laughed, with her. She thought of how everything had changed during these past six months.

What about James? Well, what not about him, really?

"He's been avoiding me" She said it before she had time to change her mind again. "When we came back to school after Christmas he started acting as if I don't even exist and a couple of weeks ago it got even worse. I think he's angry with me, Remus. Like, really angry. And I have no idea why!"

The look on Remus' face told Lily the two things she needed to know. The first was that Remus knew perfectly well why James was acting this way. The second was that there was no way he'd spill his friend's secret. Or was it a secret? Did, in fact, everyone but Lily herself know?

"You know why" she whispered, looking up to make sure that James and Sirius were still walking several meters ahead of them. "You know why he's being like this…"

"I can't tell you Lily" Remus did not sound angry, but he made it clear that she could not persuade him into changing his mind. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to speak to James about it. After all, this has nothing to do with me…"

"But he won't speak to me and that's the problem!" Lily exclaimed, feeling rather worried now.

If Remus wasn't going to tell her the truth, then who was?

"He won't tell me anything and I just… I don't think that it's right of him to just ignore me like this! I mean, what have I done wrong?! Before Christmas it was all different! One second he's really nice and the next… It just doesn't make sense!"

Lily knew she was rambling but right now she didn't care. Hopefully, Remus would understand her frustration. He looked at her for what felt like a really long time before he said:

"Honestly, Lily, I think James is rather confused right now"

"He's confused right now? He's confused right now?! Then what do you think I am?!"

Remus sighed tiredly, running a hand through his hair.

"I understand that it's must be really frustrating for you. All I'm saying is that… After everything that's happened James is still quite… fragile and I think he's afraid to get hurt…"

He drifted off, almost as if he'd been about to say something he was not allowed to reveal. His silence gave Lily some time to think and her voice was slightly thicker than usual when she replied:

"Well this hurts me. A lot. And does he really think he'll feel better if he just keeps pushing people away? Nobody gets a chance to really talk to him and ask him how he feels…"

"That's because he probably wants it that way" Remus interrupted her. "He doesn't want people to get too close because he doesn't want them to ask questions, he doesn't want them to try to help him get rid of the guilt…"

He drifted off again. Only this time, he pressed his lips together and looked really remorseful. Now he'd definitely said something he was supposed to keep shut about. Lily couldn't believe her ears.

"Wh… What did you just say?" she asked, surprised that her voice even carried. "Try to help him get rid of what?"

Her and Remus' gazes locked for a split second before he looked away.

"Nothing" he muttered, barely loud enough for her to hear. "Nothing, forget I said that…"

"No" Lily said, her voice trembling. "No, you were talking about guilt… What do you mean? What is it that James feels guilty about?"

Somehow, she made Remus look at her again. He opened and closed his mouth several times without saying something. And then:

"I think you already know"

It was like the air had suddenly gotten colder and harder to breathe. Lily felt empty inside as she whispered:

"His… His parents? He feels guilty about what happened to his parents?"

Remus cursed under his breath and it surprised Lily, for she had never heard him do that before.

"I was not supposed to say something about that, Sirius told me not to… But yes. He thinks… He thinks it was his fault. Said something about 'If I'd only done that and that' they might still be alive. He refuses to talk about it but we know that he blames himself. And I wish there was something we could do but I just… I have no idea what that could be"

Lily lost her ability to speak as an awful realization hit her. Somewhere inside, she'd known this all along. It was just too absurd to acknowledge and so she'd chosen not to. From her dorm in the Heads' common room she had heard James waking up at night, screaming. Was this what he was dreaming about, was the guilt tormenting him like this?

She knew guilt was common after a major loss. Sirius and Remus had obviously known, so why on Earth hadn't she asked him about it? The mere thought of him walking around, thinking that it was his fault and not the actual murderers, was heartbreaking.

She felt let down by Remus but mostly, she was angry with herself. Unfortunately, she had to take it all out on someone and the boy standing next to her was the best option at the moment…

"You knew…" she breathed, feeling her heart beat really fast inside her chest. "You and Sirius… How long have you known?"

There was a long silence.

"James told Sirius several months ago" Remus finally said. "I don't think he meant to, it just… slipped out. And then Sirius told me because he was worried. I don't think nobody else knows…"

"Well have you talked to him about it?"

"Lily, you know how James is! He doesn't want to talk about his feelings! He keeps it to himself and hopes that he'll just… get over it"

Lily shook her head in disbelief.

"You can't just 'get over' something like this" she said seriously. "Don't you two understand? Whether he likes it or not he needs to talk to someone! Someone has to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could have done to change what happened! I can't believe he's been carrying all this with him for months, no wonder he's not feeling well! And you… You and Sirius… Why didn't you tell me?!"

As soon as those final words had left her mouth Lily fell silent. Remus started at her and she knew that they were both thinking the same thing: why would Sirius and Remus tell her? What did she have to do with any of this, really? She had never been James' friend before, they had never looked out for each other in the past. She felt stupid. And yet she knew that this had everything to do with her. She couldn't help thinking that it was her business, after all. Why? Because she cared. She cared far too much and that was the problem.

"That… That came out wrong" she finally finished lamely. "I didn't mean… I just… Well…"

"This whole thing has been really hard for all of us, Lily" Remus told her quietly. "Especially Sirius. It has not been easy for him to see his best friend go through something like this. We really have been trying to…"

But she drowned out the rest of Remus' sentence. She shouldn't be angry with him. She knew that this wasn't his fault. And yet…

"I don't care!" she hissed, knowing she couldn't scream out loud even if she wanted to since James was really close by. "I don't care if he's begged you to leave him alone! You didn't see the signs even though they were right in front of you all along and that's just unbelievable!"

And she stormed off to catch up with Alice, Amelia and Peter.

Lily

Lily couldn't keep her thoughts in check and perhaps that was the biggest problem of all. She, Amelia and the four Marauders were sitting by a table on the Three Broomsticks, having butterbeer and talking animatedly amongst each other.

Well, everyone apart from Lily and James, that was.

Amelia and Sirius both seemed to have made a good decision, convincing their closest friends to go with them on their "date". When they were this many it was not hard to come up with matters to discuss and they both seemed to be their usual, laughing selves. Lily supposed that Amelia Bones and Sirius Black might have some things in common after all. They were both quite loud and not afraid to express their opinions, good looking and confident about themselves. They were both strong.

Come to think of it, weren't they the perfect couple? Unless one took a little yet significant detail into account: he was Sirius Black. The master of pranks, the bully, the trouble maker. Did her friend really deserve someone like that?

James hadn't said a word since they entered the Three Broomsticks. Lily herself didn't know what to say, about anything. Remus' words still rang in her head:

We all know he blames himself.

How could it come to this? She'd been acting like an idiot, missing the truth when it had been right in front of her all along. She wanted to make things right - she wanted to make him right. But she couldn't. Because he still wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't tell her what was going on. And apparently Remus wouldn't, either.

She sent him an angry glare and took a sip from her butterbeer. She knew it wouldn't be long before Amelia noticed that something was up and confronted her about it...

"Lily! Lily!"

She looked up, surprised to find all eyes on her. James looked away after a split second and she felt like hitting him in the face.

"What?" she asked Amelia, forcing herself to smile in a way that did not feel even the slightest real.

He blames himself. He blames himself. He blames himself.

Guilt. Guilt Guilt.

Why did this bother her so much?

Amelia rolled her eyes slightly and Sirius barked with laughter.

"Did you fall asleep, Evans? We asked if you wanted another butterbeer?"

Lily cast a quick glance at her glass that was still half full.

"I'm fine for now, thank you"

"What about you Prongs?"

Now, all eyes were on James instead. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. He'd barely touched his drink, either.

"Uhm... No, I'm fine. Actually, I think I'll go get some air"

Peter stared at him.

"Now? But it's freezing outside!"

James looked like he couldn't care less and mumbled something incoherent under his breath. Before he left, however, he looked at Lily again and she could easily put two and two together.

He was leaving because of her. Because now, apparently, he couldn't even be in the same room. It shouldn't surprise her and yet it hurt in a way she didn't think possible.

Before she knew it and before any of his friends had time to say anything else, James had left their table and exited through the door leading into the pub. The next second, Lily was on her feet.

James

He had to get away from here, from her, before he lost it completely. The thoughts were spinning through James' head. Was there no end to it?

What had Remus said to make Lily so upset and why did she keep glaring at him as if her life depended on it? Why hadn't she told him, James, about Snape in the first place? Why had he let her into his life to begin with?

He took out some of his anger and confusion on the door leading into the Three Broomsticks and slammed it shut behind him. Peter was right; it was freezing out here. He needed to get away, anywhere, as long as he didn't have to stay here. Close to her.

It was too much.

Lily

She had no idea where he was going or why, but it was not hard for Lily to figure out that James probably wanted to be alone. But she didn't care anymore. She'd had enough of this; the silence, him walking away from her, him pretending like she didn't exist, like the two of them were nothing...

"POTTER! POTTER, WAIT!"

Luckily, the street outside the Three Broomsticks was deserted. She supposed nobody fancied being outside in this storm. Well, neither did she but she didn't have a choice. She had to do this now before she changed her mind.

James had almost turned around a corner but stopped at the sound of her voice, without turning around. She realized he wasn't wearing his Gryffindor scarf and silently wondered if he was cold.

She hurried forward. So what if she seemed desperate? Maybe she was and maybe he needed to know. She was barely a meter away from him when he finally spoke up:

"What?"

Lily was grateful James didn't turn around - looking into his eyes would have made everything so much harder.

"I... You... Where are you going?"

What was it to her?

"Back to school, I guess"

His voice sounded empty.

"Why? Why are you leaving?"

She could hear how he sighed heavily and tried to imagine the look on his face. Anger? Confusion? Hurt? Maybe all three.

"It doesn't matter"

And he started walking away from her, again. He was always walking away from her, always leaving... And something inside Lily Evans broke. She barely recognized her own voice as she roared, loud enough for the whole village to hear:

"DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME AGAIN JAMES! DON'T YOU DARE!"

He stopped. Was it possible for her heart to beat any faster? He turned around. Why had she yelled like that and what was she going to say now? He looked surprised. Shocked, even. And for the first time in weeks, he actually saw her. It was a wonderful feeling. She decided to keep going while she had the chance:

"Why are you so determined on getting through all this alone?! Stop being so afraid of telling people how you really feel and stop thinking that no person alive could possibly help you…"

"They can't" James interrupted her stubbornly and she lost her patience again:

"Well how do you know?!" she asked, holding out her hands in exasperation. "You don't get to make that decision for the rest of us, James! Maybe I can help you, maybe I need to - did that thought ever cross your brilliant mind?"

The moment Lily had closed her mouth she realized what she had just said. She had told James Potter that she needed to help him. She didn't miss the look of shock on his face.

"You?" he asked quietly, staring at her as if she were a really difficult jigsaw puzzle he couldn't figure out. "Why would you want to help me?"

She didn't blame him. For he was James Potter and she was Lily Evans and the world did not know them as two people who truly cared for each other. But could the world's opinion ever change? Would it give them a chance if Lily discovered sides of him she had never seen before? If what she felt for him was actually real? She sighed.

"Does there have to be a reason for everything?"

James nodded slowly.

"Yes" he said. You're Lily Evans, you never do anything without a reason"

"Consider this an exception then" Lily snapped, crossing her arms.

She wasn't going to give up and the sooner he realized that, the better for everyone. There was a long silence.

"What do you want, Lily?" he finally asked.

Lily drew a shaky breath.

"What I want is for you to tell me what's going on" she said. "I need to know why you've been avoiding me"

She was afraid of his answer, so afraid she wondered if it was even worth it. What if she'd done something she could never make right again? Could she live with that?

James closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was trying to pull himself together.

"And I need to know why you've been lying to me"

Lily felt like she'd been punched in the face. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. Meanwhile, her mind was spinning. "I need to know why you've been lying to me". What had she lied about?

"What do you mean?" she finally asked and at her words James snorted loudly, before turning his face away from her.

"I haven't lied about anything!"

She was getting frustrated now. Who was he to accuse her and how could he, somehow, make her feel guilty even when she was sure she had done nothing wrong?

"I ran into Snape a while ago"

Lily stared at James.

"You 'ran into him'?" she repeated, wondering what on Earth her former best friend had to do with this. "So what?"

James glared at her for what felt like a really long time without saying anything. When he spoke it looked like it hurt:

"You knew. You knew that Snape knew who attacked me in Hogsmeade. Hell, it could even be the same people who killed my parents. Even before Christmas you knew that Snape knew…"

"James…"

"I trusted you, you know" His voice was cold and his eyes seemed to hold nothing but hatred and betrayal. "When we saw each other at Christmas I told you things, I told you how I feel…"

"I know. I know and I was going to tell you but…"

She drifted off. What was she going to say, really? Whatever excuse she might have she knew it would not be good enough for him.

James

Lily didn't finish her sentence and James didn't wait very long before he shook his head slowly.

"See that's the thing, Lily. You think that you do but you don't know" He was shaking with fury now and he wasn't even sure why. "If you really did know you would realize that I needed the truth to feel safe and move on, to try and get it out of Snape…"

"But it would not make you move on and it would not make you feel safe, James!" Lily exclaimed, interrupting him. "Don't you think Sirius, Remus and I have eyes to see with? You're suffering every day! When Snape told me I wasn't even sure he did actually know and I just couldn't take away everything you've fought for by telling you what he'd said. I knew you wouldn't be able to think about anything else and I didn't think it was worth it"

When she finished speaking she was out of breath. This new piece of information was… surprising. So Lily hadn't been sure Snape did know who attacked him, James, in Hogsmeade? And she hadn't told him about it because she was afraid for him, she thought it might slow down his recovery… But was that her decision to make?

James suddenly felt incredibly tired again.

"I didn't think you'd get this angry" Lily whispered.

James didn't know how or why it happened, but at her words something broke inside of him. He didn't care that he was in Hogsmeade and that the whole village could probably hear him, he didn't care about anything anymore.

"ANGRY?" he repeated, raising his voice without realizing. "ANGRY? YES, LILY, I WOULD SAY I'M ANGRY! I'M ANGRY WITH SNAPE, AVERY AND MULCIBER AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING DEATH EATER IN THIS WORLD WHO WON'T JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M ANGRY WITH SIRIUS FOR DRAGGING ME TO HOGSMEADE WHEN ALL I WANTED, ALL I EVER WANT FOR THAT MATTER, IS TO STAY IN BED. I'M ANGRY WITH MYSELF FOR LETTING YOU INTO MY LIFE, FOR BEING NAIVE ENOUGH TO THINK THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GIVE ME A CHANCE AND BE HONEST WITH ME THIS TIME!"

Stop. He had to stop, now. James closed his mouth, breathing heavily. Lily didn't move - at least she didn't seem afraid of him. Her eyes widened and her mouth was slightly open. But she didn't leave. Despite everything he'd just said, despite the fact that he'd just spent over a minute yelling at her, she didn't leave. She was still there, right in front of him. He sighed.

"And you don't need to hear any of this" He realized the truth in his own words. "I'm sorry"

"You don't get to do that!" She had raised her voice now, too. "You don't get to leave…"

"I have to go…"

"LOOK AT ME!" she roared, her green eyes burning with something he couldn't quite put her finger to. "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE JAMES, TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"I NEVER SAID I WASN'T TELLING THE TRUTH…"

"I KNOW YOU'RE NOT! I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR ALMOST SEVEN YEARS AND YOU'RE AN EXPERT AT PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING'S FINE WHEN IT'S REALLY NOT. THAT'S ALL YOU EVER SAY, ISN'T IT? 'I'M FINE', 'DON'T WORRY, 'EVERYTHING'S OKAY'…"

"WELL IF THERE'S ANOTHER OPTION, FEEL FREE TO TELL ME!" James yelled. "DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'LL BE EASIER JUST BECAUSE I ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT I'M…"

"YES!" Lily exclaimed, without hearing him out because maybe she didn't need to. "STOP LYING TO EVERYONE AND STOP LYING TO YOURSELF…"

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING…"

"YOU'RE DROWNING IN GUILT!"

James felt like she had just slapped him in the face, hard. There were a thousand things he wanted to say but suddenly, no words came out. He stared at Lily Evans who was now standing right in front of him, putting words to the fact he had never been brave enough to admit to himself. And it was extremely painful and liberating at the same time.

"And it has to stop, James" she whispered, taking another step towards him, perhaps without even realizing. "It has to stop before it ruins you"

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say, isn't it?"

His voice was trembling and he could feel the tears erupt in his eyes. Tears he hadn't shed in so long. But he wouldn't break down now, not in front of Lily. He just couldn't.

"It's just so easy to stop, right?" he continued, swallowing again and again. "You think I might just wake up one morning and realize the guilt is all gone? Well, newsflash, Lily: it doesn't work that way! I can't just turn it off, I can't just not feel the way I feel…"

Maybe he went too far right now but it didn't matter. He wanted, he needed, to get this all out. He'd been carrying it around for months and to finally be able to let it out was wonderful. But it hurt, too. Like someone cut him up inside to reveal every hidden feeling, every emotion he'd refused to deal with as he tried to put words to the forbidden thoughts.

Lily bit her lip. He had always loved it when she did that.

"I didn't say it was easy" she mumbled. "In fact, you'll probably have to fight really hard for it…"

"I'M TIRED, LILY. DON'T YOU GET THAT?" It was more than a roar now. "I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR WHAT I WANT, OF TRYING SO HARD FOR THE SIMPLEST OF THINGS. I'M TIRED OF BEING HEAD BOY, I'M TIRED OF PLAYING QUIDDITCH, I'M TIRED OF FAILING EVERY SINGLE CLASS I TAKE"

"James…"

"I'M TIRED OF THINKING THAT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WANTS TO KILL ME. I'M TIRED OF HAVING NIGHTMARES, I'M TIRED OF SEEING AND REMEMBERING THINGS I'D RATHER FORGET. I'M TIRED OF MISSING MY OLD LIFE!"

"James, listen to me…"

NO! NO, DON'T ACT LIKE SIRIUS OR DUMBLEDORE OR MCGONAGALL WHO ALL SEEM TO THINK THAT THEY KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE. AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY'VE LOST IN THEIR LIVES BECAUSE THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE FOR ME! NONE. OF. YOU. KNOW. HOW. I. FEEL!"

And this time, Lily didn't try to interrupt him. He waited for her to be Lily, he expected her to tell him that he was trying to get attention and ask him to grow up. He knew he was pathetic. Instead, she merely wrapped her arms around him and suddenly he could breathe again. He hadn't felt this… light since last summer. There was nothing left inside of him, no more words to shout and nothing more to tell the rest of the world. He was done. It was a lucky thing Lily was there, for James wondered why he hadn't fallen yet. He felt like his legs could no longer carry him. He was exhausted and the only feeling left inside of him was embarrassment. Lily shouldn't have to see him like this. They weren't that close.

And yet she seemed perfectly calm. He wanted to thank her, to tell her that her support meant everything, that none of this was her fault. There were so many things James Potter wanted to tell Lily Evans at that moment, when they were standing on the deserted main street in Hogsmeade with their arms around each other. The wind was strong and if James hadn't listened carefully, he might have missed the two words that he had never believed in before:

"I know" she whispered. "I know"

He believed her now.