Chapter Fifteen:

"So, are you going to tell me what happened at the courthouse, or not?"

Elliot turns away from the coffee maker and gives me a tired look. Over the years, I've become intimately familiar with his expressions, and I can read worry in this one. "It doesn't matter anymore, Liv. Let's just say that when Alex said she wanted to find another victim, I don't think this was what she had in mind."

He's hiding something from me. I know it. When he turns around again to reach for the sugar packets, I lean against the counter, keeping his eyes. "You mean because Tommy's statutes are up?" I ask. Thinking about Tommy makes the sick feeling in my stomach worse. He had been so ready to press charges, and telling him he was seven years too late wasn't easy.

"No. Not because of that." Elliot turns away, but I keep staring at him, refusing to let him shut me out. He must sense the power behind my glare, because he sighs and lifts his eyes helplessly to the ceiling and sets his coffee cup back down. "There was an incident after Sam's testimony this morning."

"I knew it. What happened?"

Elliot's thin lips become even thinner as they pull into a frown. The muscles in his strong jaw bunch at their edges. "I told you Tommy took a swing at Barnett, right? Well, Barnett caught Alex with his shoulder, and they both went down."

My heart flies up into my throat, but I force myself to swallow it down. "But she's okay, right?"

Elliot abandons the ceiling and stares into the neutral brown circle of his coffee instead. He nods his head once, and my breathing comes a little easier. "She's fine. A little shaken up, maybe… Alex is tough, but you know how skinny she is. She went down hard. She doesn't take physical punishment well."

Oh, how wrong he is. Despite her appearance, Alex can handle a surprising amount of pain. Probably more than me, actually. But Elliot doesn't know her the way I do, and I'm not about to tell. Still, getting attacked at work doesn't make for the best day, even if it's on accident. "I'm sure she's fine," I tell him, trying to believe it myself. I'm still worried about her, and I know the tightness in my chest won't go away until I see her in person. "You made sure she was all right, didn't you?"

"You know I always look out for her when you can't, Liv."

For a split second, Elliot's choice of words sounds funny to me. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure out whether he knows more about us than he lets on. If he does, he won't bring it up before I do. He's considerate like that. "Yeah," I say at last. "I know, El." Now isn't the time to talk about my relationship with Alex. We have enough on our plates at work already.

"She's around here somewhere if you want to see her," he says. I smile. Sometimes, it's like Elliot can read my thoughts. "I thought I saw her over…"

We both turn just in time to see Alex whip around the corner and into the bullpen, her loose blonde hair flying behind her like a war banner. "He is as bad as his client, hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify," she growls, barely sparing us a glance as she storms between the desks. "He's lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat."

"I'd pay real money to see that," Cragen mutters under his breath. He's a few steps behind her. Probably a wise decision. Even I'm a little intimidated by Alex's body language.

I can tell Alex is in no mood for pleasantries, so I suppress my instincts and bring up the case first instead of her spill at the courthouse. If she's feeling well enough to threaten defense attorneys, falling down at work probably didn't bother her. "Tommy Priore gave us a list of other boys who were possible victims of Barnett's fifteen years ago."

Elliot pushes off the counter and starts toward them. "Mostly partials, nicknames, but we'll track 'em down."

Alex stops in front of my desk. Other than her bad mood, she seems to be all right, but I can see a few faults in her usually flawless appearance. A few strands of her hair have fallen out of place. One of her sleeves is slightly scuffed below the elbow, as if she tried to catch herself. And there's a tiny crack in the right lens of her glasses, one I can only see when she turns her head beneath the fluorescent light. "Well, it'll help us establish a pattern of behavior, but the statutes are probably expired on all of them."

I take a step closer. I want to be near her, even if we need to stay on work terms in front of Elliot and Cragen. "We're hoping they'll lead us to other boys. Barnett liked to find his victims through referral from whoever he was molesting at the time."

"Sam Cavanaugh ever refer anybody?" Cragen asks.

Elliot shakes his head. "Never said, but then again, he hasn't been the most forthcoming kid."

Alex looks over at him. "I'm meeting him in an hour to go over trial procedure. I'll ask."

Elliot takes a long sip of his coffee, and I can tell he's avoiding the conversation again. I give him a look, and after a short, silent conversation between us, he comes out with it. "You sure you're the best person to do that, Alex? No offense, but something about you seems to push the kid's buttons. Maybe it's because you've heard all the details about him and Barnett, or maybe something about you makes him feel insecure, but…"

Alex's eyes harden. When she speaks, the edge of her voice cuts through the end of Elliot's sentence. "I can handle it, Detective Stabler. This is my job. Now, start focusing on yours and track down those other names for me. Maybe then I won't need to push Sam Cavanaughs buttons."

I've had enough. Just because she's had a bad day doesn't give her the right to blow up at Elliot. I reach out and touch her arm, and she looks at me in surprise. The angle of her chin lowers. Her face softens. "We'll handle it," I tell her. "Promise. Want to go over the list with me?"

"I…" Alex looks at Elliot, then back at me. She lets out a long sigh. "Okay. It can't hurt."

Elliot gives Alex a nod, letting her know she's forgiven without saying the words. He walks over to stand with Cragen, carrying his coffee with him. Once they're a fair distance away, heading back through the hall, I sit down at my desk. Alex perches herself on the edge, hunching forward and resting her elbows on her knees. It's not a position I've seen her in often. Usually, when she's sitting on top of my desk, she uses a more flirtatious pose, one that makes her skirt ride up her thigh. This time, she's clearly exhausted. "I'm sorry about that," she murmurs. "This trial just has me on edge. I feel like Barnett and his slimy lawyer are slipping through my fingers."

"And that's Elliot's fault how?" Alex gives me a guilty look. "It's okay," I tell her. "We're all feeling the same stress. He won't hold it against you. God knows you've used us both as punching bags plenty of times before."

"Maybe you a little more than him," she admits. She crosses one knee over the other and sits up a little straighter.

I smile and reach out, daring to rest my hand on top of her thigh while we're alone. "Yeah, but you always make it up to me." Her frown melts into a small smile. "Not to ruin your mood any more, but I heard about what happened this afternoon. You okay?"

Alex closes her eyes, reaching up to take off her glasses. She folds them in her hand with a soft click. "Yeah. I'm okay. I'm surprised you didn't rush at me first thing to check for injuries."

"Believe me, I thought about it…" I reach out and take her glasses from her. "You want your spares?"

"Yes, please." I reach into my desk and pull out a worn leather case. Even before we were together, Alex had a habit of showing up in the bullpen late at night, demanding to see our paperwork and double-check it for herself. Her spare glasses started showing up at my desk, and one day, they never left. I pass them over to her, and she slides them on. "Thanks, Liv. That crack was starting to drive me crazy. It was right next to my nose."

My forehead tightens. "You didn't hit your face, did you?" I want to reach out and touch the pale curve of her cheek.

"No. At least, I don't think I did. It's kind of a blur. Barnett didn't mean to knock me over. Tommy shoved him."

"Somehow, I can't bring myself to feel sorry for him," I mutter.

Alex laughs. "Me neither. I just wish Tommy had taken a swing at Barnett's lawyer, too. I definitely wanted to." Slowly, her smile fades away. "I really hope some of those names pan out. I don't want to put Sam on the witness stand. As much as I hate to admit it, Elliot's right. He isn't stable, and something about me bothers him. He needs counseling, and not from a lawyer."

"He's doing this of his own free will," I remind her. "All you did was ask. If a trial is going to be too hard on him, that's his call to make."

"Is it? I'm the adult here. I'm the one with experience. How am I any better than Barnett if I manipulate him into doing something he doesn't want to do? Something that's unhealthy for him?"

I stare up at her in shock. "Really? You're back to this again? Comparing yourself with perps to make sure you aren't sick?" Alex's eyes slide away from mine. Her lips twitch. I can tell I've hit a nerve. "Come on, Alex. You know better. Unless you wake up one day and decide to spend the next couple of decades molesting young boys, you and Barnett are nothing alike."

"I know," she says, but I hear the doubt in her voice. She still won't look at me.

In a moment of desperation, I latch on to the only thing I can. "Do you think I'm a bad person, Alex?"

"What?" She whips her head around and stares at me in surprise. "No. Of course not, Liv."

"I've compelled people to testify during the course of my job when they clearly didn't want to. Doesn't that make me a bad person?" She opens her mouth to protest, but I keep going. "I just told one of Barnett's other victims that the legal system doesn't give a fuck about him anymore, so neither can we. Does that make me a bad person?" Alex doesn't answer me. I throw out one more, trying to get a reaction. Anything is better than this hand-wringing self-doubt. "I 'raped' you last Saturday. Doesn't that make me a bad person?"

"No, but…"

I reach out and take one of her hands in mine. "There's a world of difference between us and them, Alex. You were the one that taught me that, a hundred times in a hundred different ways. What made you forget?"

She swallows. Reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her shoulders drop. But she doesn't let go of my hand. "You're right, Liv. This whole case has been messing with my head. I'm getting too emotional. I need to step back and focus on the trial. One slip from any of us, and Barnett's back out there, ready to ruin someone else's life."

I stare down at our joined fingers. It's risky, having this conversation at work, touching each other when someone could come back into the bullpen at any moment, but I'm glad we did anyway. "It's going to be okay, Alex. I promise." It's not a promise I feel completely comfortable making, but it's what Alex needs to hear. I would give her the world if I could.

"Okay. I believe you."