Midnight Talks

"Somebody told me we're like strings in a cord
Made to carry on
With the same old song
And someone said we're about to dissolve into oblivion"

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives - When We Fall

None of them seemed willing to let go.

James had finally relaxed in her arms and Lily herself felt somewhat... safe. This was right. If they only stayed like this nothing bad could happen and they would never have to deal with all the problems they were facing... But she knew they would have to let go, eventually. This was all a temporary solution and it wouldn't last. They wouldn't last. And Lily felt a strange need to apologize for that. Apparently, James was thinking along the same lines:

"I'm sorry" he suddenly mumbled, hid voice so low it was hard to hear him.

Gently, very gently, Lily let go of him so she could look into his eyes. He avoided her gaze and it was obvious that he'd spent the last couple of minutes fighting the tears he didn't want her to see. Was this shame?

Before she had time to ask what he meant James added:

"You... We... I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have taken all this out on you. I'm sorry..."

"No" Lily whispered, realizing that this was exactly what she'd yelled at him about minutes earlier. "Don't apologize, you hear me? You've been carrying all this with you for so long you were bound to break at some point"

James laughed hollowly.

"There's no time for that, remember? Seventh year at Hogwarts... Only I probably won't be able to graduate with the rest of you. I'm pretty sure Slughorn's had enough..."

"Well... About that..." Lily cleared her throat uncomfortably and James stared at her. "I spoke to McGonagall a while ago and she... She asked me if I wanted to tutor you. In Potions"

There. She'd said it. She waited for him to turn down the offer. In fact, she was sure he would. Therefore, his answer (which consisted of a single question) surprised her.

"You would do that?"

James eyes had widened in surprise and he looked at her like he'd never properly seen her before. Furious at her own skin, Lily realized she was blushing under his stare. Why was that happening all the time?

"I would" she finally said. "Life hasn't been fair to you. You deserve to graduate with the rest of us and that's that"

"But why you?" His words hurt even though they shouldn't. "Of all students... Why did McGonagall pick you?"

"I guess she thought it'd be easy for us to find time to meet up since we're both Heads and... Well..." Lily hesitated for a second. "I am rather good at Potions"

A small smile came across James' lips and it was a relief to see it.

"I don't doubt that" he said. "And I guess I can't turn down your offer"

"No, you can't" Lily smirked back at him. "You have no choice whatsoever, Potter"

His smile slowly faded and she realized just how close they were still standing. She could count his eyelashes - had she wanted to. And how many colours did his eyes have? Ten, a hundred, a thousand...

"It's been a while since you called me that"

She knew he was right. Maybe she'd called him Potter in front of others to make them see that she still felt the same way about him (did she?). But he was James now and she couldn't put her finger to when that had happened. Perhaps after their first fight in their common room, their talk in Hogsmeade, the snowball fight or even after Christmas...

"I guess we're friends now" She was scared to find that she meant every single word. "At least I want us to be"

"I'd like that"

James looked rather shocked and she didn't blame him. How many times hadn't he dreamed of this to happen? And now, she, Lily Evans, was the one who'd first admitted that she wanted to be his friend. The look on his face made Lily laugh but then she turned serious again:

"And I'm sorry. About Snape. I'll make it up to you by talking to him. I'll try to find out what he knows"

Even though she just wanted to protect James by pretending like Snape had nothing to do with this, that was not her decision to make. Besides, she wanted an end to all this, too. It had gone too far and the persons responsible needed to be held responsible before the worry and fear ruined James' life.

"Thank you" James looked her right in the eye now. "For everything"

"You're welcome"

Lily held her breath. He was so close and yet she wanted him closer. She wanted James Potter to kiss her, right here and right now. It was a very strange feeling. The old James wouldn't have let a situation like this one go to waste. Now he just stood there, without making a move. Didn't he want her anymore?

You just told him you're friends, Lily reminded herself. Do you expect him to ruin that the first thing he does?

Yes, because he's James Potter.

Only… he isn't.

"We should see how Amelia and Sirius are doing" James suddenly said, nodding towards the Three Broomsticks.

The tension broke. Lily looked away, trying to hide her disappointment that she didn't even understand.

"Right" she mumbled. "Right, let's go"

Once inside, all their friends stared at them as they sat down again. Sirius was, of course, the first one to speak up:

"So... Are you two on speaking terms again?"

"Yeah, we're friends"

Lily tried to seem completely unbothered by the fact, but she didn't miss the looks of shock on her friends' faces. She couldn't blame them.

Had Lily Evans just called James Potter her friend?

James himself only looked at her, apparently oblivious to the others' surprise. He seemed unable to stop smiling.

Lily

The library was everything but crowded and Lily was not surprised. After all, she had convinced James to go here on a Friday night and most students avoided studying at that time of the week - if they could. She hated to admit it but she was actually nervous. As soon as she had talked to James and found out that he was willing to be tutored by her Lily had gone straight back to professor McGonagall.

"What do you want me to do, exactly?" she asked. "According to James himself he has missed a lot already. I don't know if he'll be able to catch up, I have no idea where we should begin…"

"It doesn't matter where you begin, Evans, as long as you begin somewhere" her Transfiguration teacher had replied impatiently. "Believe me, Potter's situation can hardly get any worse. Just pick one essay he's failed and help him write a new version. Continue like that and he might be able to get an A in his NEWTs"

Still, Lily had a feeling that that was all easier said than done. James was not in his best mood and one could tell that he found it really hard to consider Potions a priority. After all, February was almost over and Gryffindor would play Hufflepuff in less than two weeks.

"You know, I really think Slughorn should try to take my position into account" James said, grimacing as Lily dropped three really heavy looking textbooks on the desk in front of him. "I am quidditch captain and our next game is in less than two weeks. Two weeks, Lily! I need to practise! I can't sit here, writing essays about the wolfsbane potion…"

For a moment, Lily was at a loss for words. Truth to be told, this still shocked her sometimes. James talking to her about the problems he was facing. James calling her Lily. James truly acting like someone she could trust. A friend. And that was all she'd ever wanted.

Right?

She returned to the present and rolled her eyes at him.

"I know winning that game is important…" she started.

"Important?" James interrupted her. "Important? If we lose it I've let the whole team down. This is my seventh year, my last chance to see Gryffindor win that cup!"

It was fantastic to see that he cared for this sort of things again. She still remembered the ghost from back in September. Then, not even quidditch mattered to James Potter. Slowly, he was becoming himself again. Would that mean he would start bullying Snape, boast about his quidditch skills and ask her out every other second? Would that side of James come back?

"Well, if you don't write these essays then it might not be your last chance" Lily reminded him. "Then you might have to re-take your seventh year while the rest of us graduate, ready to explore the world and everything it has to offer…"

She drifted off. She didn't need to continue, for she could see on James' face that he knew she was serious. This was his last chance. Their last chance. If it didn't work, James would have to return to Hogwarts in September without any of his closest friends. He would be rather alone and Lily knew he wouldn't want that. He might have been really good at pushing people away this year, but he still cared.

He's always cared. Ever since day one he has cared for you. Only you've been too blind to see it.

There was a long silence before James muttered under his breath:

"Just teach me everything you know"

James

Perhaps he had wanted it that way, but after an hour in the library with Lily James realized that it was not until now he understood how much he had actually missed. He had attended most of Slughorn's lessons but he hadn't really been there. He had heard the Potions master speak but he hadn't actually listened to a single word. He had watched him make Potions so complicated you'd have to remember every tiny detail to be able to copy his work. Only James hadn't taken any of it in.

He had tried. During last term he had tried so hard to focus in class, to take notes, to study for tests, to do his homework and write those bloody essays. But in 9 cases out of 10 he had failed, and James Potter was not used to failing. He had always been that person who received good grades without even trying. That had all changed when his parents died.

For as soon as James sat down with himself as his only company, planning to start on his pile of homework, he couldn't keep his thoughts in check. He tried to practise on a new charm he ended up thinking about the torturing curse. He heard screams in his head, sounds he couldn't ignore and they pierced his heart and made it harder to breathe. He tried writing an essay or studying for a test he could think of nothing but the knock on the door, those hooded figures, the green light, their empty stares…

It had been hard to be alone but just as hard to be surrounded by other people. James had felt like an outcast, a freak, and didn't think Sirius and the others needed to experience all that with him.

Lily, on the other hand, was different. When she was sitting opposite him, writing her own essay while checking in on James' every once in a while, he couldn't let his thoughts wander. Well, at least not to that night. When Lily was around the reason why he couldn't focus on his studies was not horrible memories, but her eyes and her hair and her skin and the way she wrinkled her nose when she laughed and…

James could go on forever. In fact, he had been able to ever since fourth year. Sirius had barked with laughter every time James tried to describe Lily's perfection - and failing quite miserably at that - for no words would ever be enough. She was perfection and he would never even get close to it.

And here she was, helping him with an essay he would never be able to finish. He had missed out on too much, had no idea where to begin and it was as simple as that.

"This is pointless" he finally said.

Lily looked up, frowning.

"You can't give up so easily" she said matter-of-factly. "I mean, what had you expected? You have missed out on a lot, James…"

"You don't need to tell me that, thank you" he snapped and regretted his words the second they'd left his mouth.

"I'm sorry" he added. "I… I didn't mean to sound rude. I'm really happy you're helping me out, truly. But you're wasting your time. The day I finish that essay is the day gryffindors and slytherins decide to become best mates forever"

Lily didn't look away. Then, she took a quick glance at his essay before her face broke into a small smile.

"You're James Potter" she said softly and it was still odd to hear her use his name without any trace of malice in her voice. "Nothing is impossible for you, remember? Surely you're not just giving up?"

As realization hit James he knew he didn't have a choice. Lily believed in him. She believed he could do this and that meant he could not let her down. Not this time. He would prove himself wrong. In fact, he would prove everyone wrong. Nothing was impossible if you only believed in it enough, right? Well, James would fight. He was James Potter and he would finish this essay if it so was the last thing he ever did…

Another thought hit him, harder than any other. It had been over half a year since he'd been thinking like that, since he'd actually believed it. He felt stronger and strangely… more alive. One by one things had started to matter again. James himself had started to matter. He had always loved to win and finally, it was beginning to show.

He could do this.

James didn't know exactly how it happened, but he got through the next hour without losing focus once. Lily cast him shocked glances every now and then but she didn't say anything. He turned page after page in the books she had brought him, took notes and tried to remember everything he'd learned during his first six years at Hogwarts. It shouldn't be impossible, should it?

Before James knew it he had written three full parchment rolls - that was more than he'd been able to achieve during his whole seventh year at Hogwarts all together. As he finally considered himself done he looked up, only to find Lily staring at him with her mouth slightly open.

"Wow" she finally said. "I guess if we continue like this it won't be so hard for you to catch up, after all"

James grinned back at her but then he came to think of something. Something he needed to get out of his system. Now.

"Can I ask you something?" he mumbled and Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Of course"

James took a deep breath.

"I know you said you were helping me out because of everything I've been through, that it wouldn't be fair if I wouldn't be able to graduate with the rest of you..." he started and Lily nodded slightly.

"Yeah. Why?"

This was it.

"… But how did you manage to just forget about everything that's happened between us in the past? I mean, I'm the bloke who's humiliated you in front of the entire school by asking you out again and again for years. I'm the one who hexed your former best friend on a daily basis and made him show his underwear out in the open"

James had to catch his breath. Honestly speaking, he was afraid now. Reminding Lily of all these things he'd done might make her realize that this was foolish. He didn't deserve her help so why would she give it to him? After everything he'd done…

"I'm James Potter" he finished, looking up at her. "And you're Lily Evans. You hate me and only a fool would say I don't deserve it"

He watched as Lily opened and closed her mouth again and again.

"Well, then I'm a fool" she finally said. "I have not forgotten about anything that's happened in the past, James. But I've decided that it's pointless to go through life thinking that people couldn't possibly change"

James suddenly remembered what Dumbledore had said that night when James had been up to see him, asking if he could give back his Head Boy badge. Not unlike ms Evans, I'm a great believer in second chances. How did he know? And how could Lily be so forgiving?

"This world we're living in…" Lily continued, shaking her head slowly. "It's mad. People disappear and die every other day… There is a war going on out there! If we're going to make it out alive we have to sort out the real enemies. And you're not one of them, you never have been. And I guess that somewhere inside I have always known that, but it's not until now that I've been able to really put things into perspective…"

"I know what you mean" James mumbled and Lily nodded.

There was a long silence.

"And despite everything you did to Severus…" she started, her voice nothing more than a whisper now. "… you saved his life"

James stared at her.

"You know about that?"

Lily bit her lip, giving him a sheepish look.

"I kind of know about Remus being a werewolf, too…"

"What?!" This was not what he had expected. "But… How… Did Remus tell you that? Why would he? That's his biggest secret, if it gets out…"

"Calm down!" Lily exclaimed. "I've known for over two years now, I won't tell anyone. The point is that when it actually comes down to it, you've always been good, James. You're a gryffindor! You've always been incredibly brave and somehow you just know how to tell right from wrong…"

She stopped mid sentence. James felt slightly uncomfortable. It was weird, hearing Lily Evans say these nice things about him. Like he had ended up in an alternate universe. What if he'd known about all this a year ago?

"I don't hate you" Her voice was loud and clear now. "I never have"

The air around them seemed to change in a way James couldn't explain.

"But I'm afraid" Lily said. "I'm afraid that by time, you'll go back to your old self and become all the things that made it impossible for me to trust you. I'm afraid you'll hurt me…"

James almost got the feeling she wanted to cover her mouth with her hands, like she had just said something really inappropriate. Lily had just admitted that he, James, had the power to hurt her if he wanted to. Which he never could. But that meant that he was not the only feeling this way. Lily was scared of this friendship, too. Of what would happen if they failed, if one of them went back to thinking the other was barking mad…

"That's why I started avoiding you when we came back to school after Christmas" James admitted, knowing he didn't have a choice now. "I was afraid you'd hurt me, too. That you'd remember everything I'd done… I don't think I would have been able to handle that on top of everything else"

None of them said a word as they let everything that had been said during the past couple of minutes sink in. Lily was the first one to speak up:

"I know I wasn't always fair to you. I mean, I could have turned you down without sounding like a crazy bitch"

James was shocked by her choice of words and Lily laughed at the look on his face.

"It's okay, you can admit it" she said. "But I was always so mad at you, you know? I guess I might have been jealous…"

"Jealous?" he asked incredibly. "Why on earth would you be jealous of me?"

"Well, let's not pretend like I was the only one! Didn't you ever wonder why Severus hates you so much? You're everything he'll never be, James. You were always surrounded by girls, you're great at quidditch…"

"You're jealous of me because of my quidditch skills, Lily?" James couldn't help laughing now, too. "Merlin, I didn't even know you wanted to play!"

"I don't! No, for me it was something else entirely…" She drifted off again. "I envied how you could always just… let go. You didn't always have to think twice before doing something, you were crazy and spontaneous… If you wanted something you got it and you didn't care how hard it might be to get there. I was never like that. I was always too bloody realistic and smart for my own good"

James had no idea what to say and so he remained silent. This was far too much information to take in all at once. Lily didn't hate him. Lily had, in fact, been jealous of him. Lily had been afraid to get hurt, too.

Suddenly, Madam Pince showed up out of nowhere.

"All right you two, time to go back to your common room! It's past midnight"

James had no idea how time could pass by so fast. As he and Lily returned to their common room, none of them said a word. They were both lost in their own thoughts, confused and scared and strangely… happy.

Lily

"I'm so happy you wanted to meet up like this"

Lily tried not to get bothered by the fact that Snape seemed completely honest. After all this time, there were still days when she just wanted to forget. He was the one who had first told her about magic and Hogwarts and what it meant to be a witch. He had been the key to a different world, had always defended her from Petunia's insults and he had made her believe that she was not a freak even though her older sister said so. Lily and Snape shared a lot of memories together.

"I don't need your help. Mudblood"

His words kept repeating themselves in her head. He of all people, the one person who had told her that it didn't matter whether you were muggleborn or not. He had used that word against her. And she knew she would never be able to forget.

"I'm not staying long" Lily was surprised by the coldness in her own voice. "Alice and I have tons of homework to take care of…"

"I heard you're helping Potter in Potions"

Snape seemed to have spoken without thinking but Lily was not surprised. It had been a week since her and James' first study session in the library and somehow, the rumor had spread. Lily Evans and James Potter were finally getting along. She was helping him with his homework. They used to sit in the library when no other students were there. Wonder what they are really doing?

Alice had told Lily about a particularly nasty rumor she'd heard from a fourth year named Dorotha Vane and apparently, the whole school seemed to think that the two Head students did a whole lot more than studying in the library...

Sirius had found the whole thing very amusing, of course. He had asked both James and Lily hundreds of times if the rumors held any truth whatsoever, and even though they both denied it he kept going on about it. His weak spot was Amelia, however. As soon as Lily asked him anything about her he suddenly seemed to have become both deaf and numb. Amelia didn't want to discuss their relationship with Lily and Alice, either.

Lily reminded herself that Snape expected an answer and replied shortly:

"So?"

Snape stared at her.

"Why would you do that?"

Lily sighed heavily. She was actually getting really tired of that question.

"Because I can and because he won't be able to graduate with the rest of us if I don't. And honestly, Sev, I think you should try to move on"

As they were getting closer to March the snow had been replaced by rain. It was raining on this particular afternoon and yet Lily had asked Snape to meet her outside, ironically enough down by that tree where James and Sirius had made sure the whole school saw Snape's filthy underwear… She didn't need the rest of Hogwarts to see her with her former best friend, creating new and even crazier rumors and stories.

"Move on?" Snape repeated incredulously. "What do you mean I should try to 'move on'?"

Lily was silent for a short while. What did she mean, really? Surely she didn't expect Snape to forget about everything that had happened during the past six years? That would be downright impossible. She decided to change the subject, reminding herself why she had summoned him here in the first place.

"He told me he'd run into you" she said. "You, Avery and Mulciber were discussing what happened in Hogsmeade. You told James you knew who killed his parents"

"James?" Snape suddenly looked disgusted. "He's James to you now?"

Lily ignored his comment and continued:

"I tried to get it out of you months ago but you wouldn't budge"

"Even if I did know something I couldn't tell you…"

"Don't you realize that what you're doing is dangerous, Sev?" Lily had raised her voice now. "Even I know that the Death Eaters are everything but forgiving! If they find out you can't decide whose side your on…"

"I do know what side I'm on!" Snape snarled and Lily crossed her arms, glaring at him.

"Really? And which side is that? Ours or theirs? I'm not saying that we could ever be friends again but we could help you Snape, if you remained loyal to us Dumbledore could protect you…"

"Oh yeah? And who are 'we'?" Snape had raised his voice now, too. "You and James Potter? Should I believe in all the rumors about you two? What are you doing in the library?"

Smack.

Lily had never hit anyone in her life before, not like this. She could barely stand the look in Snape's eyes when her hand connected with his cheek but she refused to look away. Remember why you're doing this.

"I thought you of all people should know that it's not always wise to listen to pathetic gossip" she hissed. "Well, at least the rumors circling around you seem to be true. You're nothing but a coward"

Snape opened his mouth to speak but Lily didn't let him. She had wanted to get all this out for years and now that she had her chance she wouldn't miss it.

"You know, there was a time when I was actually naive enough to believe that I'd be able to forgive you. You think James is evil for pulling pranks but what about you? You hang around with people who want this Voldemort to rule the world and that is evil, Sev! People die around your sort, how can that not matter? It matters and you know it!"

She knew her words hurt him but it hurt just as much to say them. For the first time, Lily had spoken her true feelings regarding the slytherin out loud. They would never be best friends again. That time was over. It was all ruined and knowing that made her feel extremely free and sad and happy and empty at the same time.

"You're a witch"

He was the first person who had ever spoken those words to her. The same person who was standing in front of her now, seven years later. Only now they had both grown up and life was not so simple anymore.

And suddenly, everything was said and done. For as Lily realized the truth in her own words she knew that Snape would never tell her anything. She wouldn't find out what he knew about the attack in Hogsmeade or that night when James' parents died. It was all too late. So she did the only logical thing she could think of. She walked away.

"Lily wait!"

She turned around, thinking this might as well be the very last time she looked right into his eyes.

"I'm sorry"

It didn't help. It didn't matter. So what was the point?

"I know that James saved your life that night" She hadn't planned to bring that up. "You owe him an end to this living hell"

And she left without another word, missing the look of desperation, fear and grief on Severus Snape's face.

Author's note: Whoever finds the quote from the Vampire Diaries in this chapter gets a golden star, hehe. I think now we can really say James' and Lily's relationship is starting to move forward. They're friends and have started to open up to each other, I'm really looking forward to writing the rest of the story now!

Thanks for your reviews and to all those who follow / add this story to your favorites. You already know how much it means, I suppose.

Oh, and merry Christmas! :)