An Unhappy Birthday

Author's note: It's been far too long since I updated. I started on this chapter weeks ago and then I literally had no time to finish it until now. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy!

"It's a revolution, I suppose
We'll paint it red to fit right in"

Imagine Dragons - Radioactive

Headache.

Lily had suffered from it at least a hundred times before but not like this. Never like this. She groaned and covered her face with her hands, feeling almost like a vampire who couldn't stand being hit in the face by the sun. Why hadn't she bothered to pull down her curtains last night?

Knowing there was no chance she'd be able to go back to sleep without some aspirin or a certain potion Madam Pomfrey always made for students in pain, Lily opened her eyes.

This was not her room.

She froze. Why had she fallen asleep down in the Heads' common room? It only took a few seconds, however, before the memories from the night before came crashing down on her. And it was everything but pleasant.

The Firewhiskey. Someone had told Lily to stop drinking but she hadn't listened. She had been drunk… Merlin, how far did it go? She suddenly wanted to go outside and Alice had made James accompany her… They hadn't gone outside and they'd found Amelia and Sirius Black coming out of a broom cupboard…

And she had almost kissed James.

Again.

James.

Lily turned her head and that's when she first saw him. He was lying on the couch opposite hers, still asleep and wearing his robes from last night. He hadn't been that drunk. Why had he stayed down here?

"Do you really think I'm leaving you like this?"

Had he spent the night on that couch - for her sake? No matter how hard she tried Lily couldn't even remember falling asleep down here. Perhaps she'd been too tired to go up to her bedroom. And if she suffered from memory loss…

What else had she said? What else had she done?

The headache was getting worse and now she was feeling slightly sick, too. She had to get out of here before he woke up, she had to think… She needed to explain and give him a reason why she'd acted out like that for she couldn't possibly tell James the truth, that Amelia's words had hurt more than she ever thought possible.

She said that he'd moved on. From her.

But James was under the impression that's what Lily wanted. Actually, Lily had thought that, too. Up until recently. Why was everything so complicated?

She sat up and looked down. Luckily, she hadn't taken off any of her clothes… The mere thought of undressing in front of James, pathetically drunk whilst he was perfectly sober, was humiliating and too embarrassing to even acknowledge.

Lily's feet had barely touched the floor before James started stirring. Damn. For some silly reason, she couldn't take her eyes off him. He looked rather peaceful. At least no nightmares seemed to have haunted him last night…

James opened his eyes and looked right at her.

James

Lily Evans was probably the only person alive who could still look amazing after a whole night with alcohol in her system. Sure, her hair was rather untidy and since she hadn't bothered to remove her make up around her eyes she resembled a panda… A very cute one, though. She looked so tired and James had a feeling this was her first real hangover - ever.

Still, there was something he liked about this Lily. For once, she didn't seem to have everything under control and the exhaustion made one think she was actually truly relaxed.

It was rather ironic, really. Lily Evans, the one getting too drunk at a party and James Potter, the sober gentleman helping her to bed. It was like they'd switched positions without even realizing.

"Good morning" he said, sitting up slowly. "Sleep well?"

No hangover for him this time. Thank Merlin.

For a short moment Lily just stared at him and James had a feeling she was trying to figure out exactly what had happened the previous night. Memory loss could be terrible if you had the feeling you might have done something rather stupid...

Was a second almost-kiss stupid? Far from, in his personal opinion…

Lily didn't answer his question.

"My head…" she mumbled. "I feel sick…"

Without thinking James stood up and hurried to his own bedroom. He opened his trunk and grabbed a small, blue vial before heading back downstairs. Lily was in the same position, her eyes closed and her head leaned against the wall. He felt rather sorry for her.

"Here" James said, handing her the vial and a small glass. "A few drops should help"

Lily examined the vial carefully and her eyes narrowed. James almost began to laugh, it was so like her not to try anything without having all the information first.

"That's not poison" he told her, smiling as he nodded towards the vial.

"Then what is it?" Lily asked.

James hesitated for a moment before he replied.

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I can guarantee it will take away the headache, though. The sickness should go away in an hour or two"

Of everything he'd just said, Lily seemed to have heard one thing and one thing only:

"You're not sure? You're taking this and you don't even know what it is? James, that could be dangerous! They could put anything in here!"

The Lily Evans he knew was definitely back. He rolled his eyes impatiently.

"Don't be stupid, Lily. Do you really think I would take it if I'd just found it, lying around on the street?"

Before she had time to reply he added:

"I got it prescribed, there's nothing to worry about"

Her green eyes widened slightly.

"Oh" she said. "So it's from a healer then?"

James nodded. That seemed to do the trick. Lily grimaced.

"Well… Anything to get rid of this pain… Cheers!"

She swallowed a few drops of the clear blue liquid and James watched as her face suddenly relaxed and she closed her eyes, obviously enjoying the feeling. He knew it all too well by now. Why hadn't he thought of using it after that embarrassing night with Amy Baker?

She opened her eyes again.

"That's… amazing" Lily mumbled, taking a closer look at the vial.

James smiled. It was a good feeling, helping her out. She deserved it more than anyone else he knew.

"I know" he said.

Lily handed him the vial and laughed slightly. It was obvious she was already feeling a lot better.

"So… I didn't realize they could prescribe potions to cure a hangover! Everyone should have one of these"

James could literally feel how his smile faded and he forced himself to look her in the eye as he replied:

"It's not particularly for hangovers. A close friend of my parents works as a healer and he fixed it for me after… after everything that happened" He was tired of not being able to talk about it without hurting. "If you have nightmares every night the lack of sleep will eventually give you a headache, trust me"

Lily looked deadly serious now, too.

"You shouldn't have wasted any of it on me then" she said softly. "You obviously need it more than I do"

James shrugged slightly.

"It's not as bad as it used to be" he admitted. "Depends on what the day's been like"

Depends on whether I get to spend time with you.

"Besides, you looked like you could really use it today"

"Well, now that I'm feeling better…" Lily began and changed position on the couch. "I could also really use a shower. Or maybe you want to go first?"

James shook his head.

"It's fine, you go first" he said.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely"

Lily stood up and smiled widely at him before she turned around to leave the room. It was not until she'd reached the stairs that she stopped.

"James…" she said quietly and he had to move slightly closer to hear her.

"Yeah?"

He hoped he sounded more unbothered than he felt. How much did she remember?

"I don't remember everything that happened last night…" Lily started. "But thank you. I haven't forgotten you taking care of me and I'm… I'm really grateful for that"

"It was nothing"

"Not to me" She was looking right at him now. "To me it was not nothing"

And then, without waiting for his reply, she continued towards the bathroom.

James barely had time to think about what she'd just said before there was a loud knock on the portrait leading into the common room. Only a second later someone knocked again and then, Sirius' voice came from the other side:

"OPEN UP PRONGS! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, WE COULD HEAR VOICES…"

Rolling his eyes, James went to open the portrait. Outside was Sirius, Alice, Remus and Peter, all grinning at him.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The next second they were all over him, hugging and shouting and laughing. James could see Remus carrying several gifts wrapped in green paper and Alice was holding a cake…

It was too much and he didn't want any of it. But he couldn't say that now. And the feeling that had started to grow in James would only get worse as the hours passed by.

He had forgotten his own birthday completely. That had never happened before.

"Merlin, I can't believe you're 18!" Sirius exclaimed and they all hurried into the common room. "You're getting really old, mate"

"Oh that's right Sirius, 'cause you're so much younger" Remus pointed out sarcastically and Alice laughed.

"Oh, we're going to have so much fun today!" she exclaimed. "All of us!"

Peter began cutting up the cake and no one seemed to listen when James said:

"Thank you, but I really don't feel like…"

"And speaking of which, where is our beloved Lily?" Sirius said and then called throughout the common room:

"EVANS! BEING DRUNK LAST NIGHT IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT SHOWING UP ON YOUR ROOMMATE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

"This is not a party" James said quickly. "And we're not roommates…"

"No?" Alice interrupted him. "Looks like someone's been sleeping on both these couches, if you ask me"

They all grinned at him and James hated feeling embarrassed.

"That's… I couldn't just leave her down here…"

"Of course not!" Sirius said. "Besides, everything that happened last night is forgiven, no matter what it was…"

"How did it go with Amelia?" James asked, suddenly remembering. "Did you actually shag in a broom cupboard?"

"Nope, she was smart enough not to. Lucky thing, Filch might have found us…" Sirius barked with laughter. "No, we found some place else…"

He wore a smug look on his face and Alice pretended to vomit.

"Thank you, that's enough. I don't need the details... Now where's Lily?!"

"She's in the shower, I'm sure she'll be here soon" James muttered, sitting down next to his friends on the couch.

Lily didn't need to know it was his birthday. No one did. Besides, it would only be weird now that he hadn't told her before the others showed up… What kind of person forgot his own birthday?

"Cake?" Peter asked James, mouth full already. "It's really good!"

"No thanks" His smile felt more like a grimace. "I'm not hungry"

He hated days like this one. Ever since July they had been nothing but angst and pain and anger. Christmas. Birthdays. Other holidays. It was all nothing but a reminder of how everything had changed. He usually spent his birthday with his parents. They used to meet up somewhere, go to a nice restaurant and spend the whole day together. As a family.

James had no family now and this was his first birthday without the only two people in the world who had always loved him unconditionally.

He remembered the watch he'd been given for his seventeenth birthday. When he'd asked his mother how much it was she wouldn't say… He remembered how he loved blowing up balloons with his father when he was younger. He remembered how both his parents had arranged huge celebration parties for their only son but how James himself had always, in secret, liked it better when it was just the three of them.

Would it always be like this? Would he never be able to enjoy a birthday again? If not, parts of his life were ruined… And the memories hurt too much to think about. They always did.

"What's going on here?"

Lily

To say that she was surprised to find Sirius, Alice, Remus and Peter down in the Heads' common room was an understatement. Lily stared at her friends, the cake and the gifts that no one had opened yet.

"What did I miss?" she asked and Remus was the first one to speak up:

"It's James' birthday! Didn't he tell you?"

Lily turned to look at James who had gone rather pale. She raised her eyebrows at him.

"No" she said. "No, he did not"

"I…" His voice sounded strangled. "I didn't realize"

There was a long silence before Sirius laughed loudly.

"Didn't realize? What do you mean, you didn't realize? How can you not know it's your birthday?"

"It's not that big of a deal" Lily said, feeling a strange need to defend James. "I'm sure I've forgotten mine a dozen times…"

That was a lie but no one but Alice knew that. She gave Lily a weird look which she ignored.

"Well…" Peter said. "It's not like James not to remember. Last year you suggested we'd all walk around with these signs, so everyone at Hogwarts would know, remember?"

Sirius, Remus and Alice all laughed. Now, James seemed to be the one suffering from a hangover. He closed his eyes briefly and whatever it was he was thinking Lily knew one thing for sure:

He didn't want any of this.

"Did I?" James ran his hand through his hair, faking a smile Lily saw right through. "Yeah, maybe I did…"

Peter nodded eagerly.

"Yeah, it was after you came back from meeting with your par…"

And then, finally, realization dawned upon Peter's face and he shut up. His mouth formed into a small "o" and Sirius and Remus both stopped laughing. And Lily remembered. James' birthday, how could she forget? All these past years he'd made sure to tell everyone but now he'd actually forgotten about it. He used to leave school and meet up with his parents for the day, hell, even she knew that.

But this year would be different.

Her heard swelled with pity and grief. It was impossible to tell from the look on James' face what he was thinking. He nodded towards the cake and the gifts:

"Thanks a lot for this guys" he said. "I… I think I'll just go and get some air… "

"James…" Lily started quietly but he merely gave her a quick smile.

"See you all later" he said and disappeared through the portrait hole.

There was a heavy silence.

"Why do I always do that?" Peter finally asked. "It's always me, I always say the wrong things and it's not the first time I've brought his parents up even though I know he hates talking about it… I… I didn't mean to, I just…"

"It's not your fault, Wormtail" Sirius muttered. "We should have known he'd react like this, it wasn't necessary to cause such a scene…"

"You were only trying to make him happy!" Alice interrupted him and placed her hand on Sirius' arm. "You didn't know this would happen…"

"We could have guessed it, though" Remus said dully. "James always spent his birthday with his parents. Always. This is the first year he'll… Well, I just don't think he knew how to react. It was too much at once and we should have thought of that"

Then, Lily lost her patience. She didn't have the situation under control and it worried her. There were no spells or books that could take away James' pain. There was nothing to be done, unless perhaps…

"Did anyone ever talk to him about them?!"

She raised her voice slightly and the others fell silent.

"Sirius" Lily turned to look at him. "You knew mr and mrs Potter, didn't you? You used to stay with them during the holidays!"

"I know" Sirius nodded slightly. "And I've tried but he just won't listen…"

"Then make him!" she exclaimed. "He has to talk to someone or he'll never be able to accept what happened! It's the only way for him to move on with his life, don't you get that?!"

None of them said anything but Lily knew what had to be done. She was just waiting for the right moment.

James

"Are you sure you want another one of those, boy?"

The old man who owned the Hog's Head looked rather suspicious as he poured James another drink. He wasn't planning to get drunk. The Firewhiskey was just a way to escape, if only fort a short while. It was downright stupid and James knew it. But still.

He snatched the glass he had already paid for from the pub owner's hand and took a small sip. It didn't seem to help the slightest. He felt just as bad as he had this morning.

"Is it really part of your job description to question your guests?" he snarled.

The man looked slightly taken aback and James figured there was something familiar about him. Those eyes… Where had he seen them before?

"Easy there, you don't have to answer unless you want to"

"Good, I don't"

To James, that was an obvious end to the conversation. The pub owner, however, did not seem to think so.

"I recognize you" he stated. "From the papers"

This did not exactly make James feel any better. His aunt had done everything to keep him out of the papers (even though they wrote about what had happened to his parents) but apparently, she hadn't succeeded. James had avoided reading the Daily Prophet for quite a while now and he had no idea what photos of him they had published.

"Congratulations" he replied shortly and pretended not to get surprised. "Do you want an autograph?"

It was impossible to tell whether the man realized he was being sarcastic or not. He merely stared at James who couldn't bring himself to look away. If he hadn't been the only guest at the Hog's Head he might have been able to come up with a better reason to remain silent.

Now, he and the pub owner were the only two people in here and there was nowhere he could run off to. Hogwarts was definitely not an option…

"I'm sorry boy. About what happened" he finally said, his voice perfectly calm. "I lost my parents too, many years ago now, and I know how it feels"

James let out a short, humorless laugh.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. The problem is just, it's never true. You can never know how another human being feels. Got it?"

"Ah. What a lovely day for a butterbeer!"

James jumped at the sound of the voice and turned around in his seat. Albus Dumbledore was standing in the doorway, looking more cheerful than ever. He nodded towards James before he walked right up to the bar and said to the pub owner:

"Hello Aberforth. Will you be so kind and give me two butterbeers, please?"

Aberforth glared at Dumbledore for what seemed like an eternity before he accepted his money and prepared the drinks. He gave them to Dumbledore who, without hesitation, handed one of them straight to James. Aberforth left the room and slammed the door shut behind him, right as James said:

"I don't want this"

"Well, then just leave it there. You might change your mind"

For a moment, Dumbledore looked the way Aberforth had disappeared and James couldn't help but notice a look of concern on his face.

"Besides…" the headmaster continued. "I do not think our dear pub owner will get back anytime soon"

"He doesn't seem to like you very much"

James had reminded himself that this was not school. Out here, he could speak to Dumbledore like they were equals and the man would simply have to live with it. And he was too tired to act nice anyway. He felt like breaking something, or at least hit it very hard.

"Oh and he has every reason not to" Dumbledore replied calmly.

Before James had time to ask what he meant he changed the subject:

"I had a feeling I might find you at some place like this today, James. Happy birthday"

There was no point wondering how Dumbledore knew. He just did. As always. James didn't say anything.

"After a major loss…" the headmaster began quietly. "Days like today are always the hardest ones, at least during the first year. Christmas, birthdays… Those days when it was so obvious you'd be together"

"Severus Snape knows what happened to my parents" The words left James' mouth before he had time to stop them. "You could get it out of him and we can finish this once and for all"

After a long silence Dumbledore raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Surely you don't think you're finished with it just because we find the people responsible for the attack?"

James didn't say anything. He knew Dumbledore was right and he hated it. It wouldn't make a difference. It would still hurt, still tear him apart from inside…

"Grief is like the ocean" The headmaster sounded thoughtful. "It's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it's overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim"

"I'm done trying" James hated how his voice broke. "There's no point to life if I'll never feel better, if I'll never be able to move on…"

"Look around you, James" Dumbledore interrupted him gently. "You feel abandoned but you have friends at Hogwarts. Friends who appreciate and love you for who you are. Take advantage of that. Don't shut them out. Let them come near and see what you're so afraid of showing. Let them see the real you"

The headmaster's glass was already empty. James could only bring himself to stare at him as he stood up, before placing a hand on his student's shoulder.

"Be brave and give yourself the closure I know you deserve. You're not alone"

Then why did it feel like it?

Lily

"Where have you been all day? We were really worried, Sirius and the others have been searching the school…" Lily drifted off for a moment and couldn't believe her eyes. "Are you drunk?"

She stared at James as he slowly walked into the Heads' common room, apparently relieved that his friends had left. Without a word he sat down on the couch, leaning his head backwards and closed his eyes just like Lily herself had done that very same morning.

"I'm not drunk" he said quietly, without looking at her. "I've had some Firewhiskey, that's all…"

"So the party last night wasn't enough for you?"

"No" His voice sounded weak. "No, I guess it wasn't"

Lily crossed her arms, glaring at him. She didn't want to be this person but what choice did she have? Obviously, somebody needed to look after him.

"I know it's none of my business and I don't mean to sound like your mother or something but…"

"My mother's dead" Lily hated the look on his face at that moment. "And my dad's dead. My whole family's dead, come to think of it. I don't even have any of the house elves left. So forgive me, Lily, if I don't feel like spending the day we always spent together, eating cake and opening gifts just to pretend like everything's fine"

She didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. Lily sat down next to James on the couch, though, and waited for him to continue. There was no excuse for him to stop now. And she knew he needed this.

"I'm sick of playing games"

"Then don't" Without thinking Lily put her hand on his, and he opened his eye and looked right at her. "Don't play any games, don't shut me out"

There was a long silence.

"Tell me about them" Lily said softly.

"Why?"

James truly looked like he had no idea why she would say that. Lily hesitated for a moment before she replied:

"Because I'm curious. And because I never got the chance to meet them"

James remained silent for so long Lily almost thought he'd forgotten she was there, in the room with him. Then he took a deep breath.

"My dad would always say that if I wanted you to notice me… I would have to change my ways and stop fooling around with Sirius and the others"

Lily froze. She hadn't expected this. She knew that James had been basically obsessed with her for the past couple of years, but this…? He'd talked about her with his parents. That ought to mean something.

Of course it does. He loved you, that's what it means.

Why hadn't she seen it before?

"My mum thought you seemed extremely clever for your age and when I told them how you stood up for Snape… They looked so disappointed when they realized what I had done, at that moment I think they felt like I could never truly deserve you"

Lily didn't say anything. For each word James said, he seemed to relax even more. The painful expression on his face vanished and his voice became clearer.

"I always hated disappointing them… We could laugh about all the letters they received from professor McGonagall but I know they didn't really find it funny. They were both aurors and I guess no one could understand how they'd managed to raise a son who rather focused on playing pranks than his studies"

"My mum told me again and again that my grades showed I had potential, that I could do whatever I wanted if I just tried hard enough. I guess I didn't really believe her. It's a shame they didn't live to see me become Head Boy. Quidditch captain was one thing, but this…"

James looked around the Heads' common room.

"I know they would have been so happy" he said quietly. "And I wanted them to experience it, I owe them after everything they've done for me and now I'll never be able to re-pay them. You just think that you'll have loads of years to do that, I had never expected to become an orphan before my eighteenth birthday"

Lily could feel the tears in her eyes but she didn't bother wiping them away.

"That's just not the way it's supposed to be. And I still… I miss them so much and I can't… I can't…"

James drifted off and Lily knew he needed help. Help to finish what he'd started.

"What's your dad's favorite color?"

"Green" James replied, almost immediately. "And he was really good at Wizard's Chess, we used to play a lot during the summers…"

Lily smiled. She had seen James play in the common room and she'd never been able to deny that he was really talented.

"He's the one who taught you?"

"Yeah"

"What about your mother?"

James was quiet.

"My mother…" he began. "My mother was extremely kind and talented and beautiful. She looked out for the weak and hated when somebody got hurt. She had all these flowers in our garden that she took really good care of and my dad used to joke and say that those flowers meant more to her than he and I did. She was funny and she… She tried so hard to see the best in people even when they didn't deserve it"

James drifted off and then he looked right at Lily.

"She was a lot like you"

As Lily looked into his eyes she almost forgot how to breathe. At that very moment one single thought was going on repeat in her head:

She wanted to kiss him. Right now.

There was a soft knock on the door, barely audible hadn't the room been so quiet. Always something in the way… Lily cursed silently under her breath as James stood up, walking towards Godric Gryffindor's portrait. She could hear how he opened it.

"What are you doing here?" James hissed.

She had never heard his voice sound so toxic and… furious before. It caught Lily's attention and she came to join James by the entrance to their common room. What she saw made her think she was actually dreaming. This couldn't be real. Not after what had happened last time they spoke… Not considering what she'd said… And now… What did he want?

Lily blinked again and again but it did not seem to be happening in her head. Severus Snape was standing right there, looking rather pale as he mumbled under his breath:

"Happy birthday Potter"