Chapter Nineteen:

I've just thrown my scarf around my neck and pushed my chair back underneath my desk when the phone rings. The sound makes my chest tighten. No one ever calls my work number just to say hello, not even Alex, and I'm too emotionally exhausted to deal with anything else today. For a moment, I'm tempted to leave and let it ring through to voicemail, but my conscience gets the better of me. I pick up the phone. "Benson."

"Olivia?" It's Alex, and her voice loosens some of the knots in my stomach. "Bad news first: Petrovsky dropped the charges against Barnett. He's probably at home packing his stuff right now."

It's disappointing to hear, but not unexpected. Our case is worthless without Sam's testimony. I lean my hip against the desk and sigh. "I'm sorry, Alex... but you said 'bad news first'. I hope that means there's good news, too?"

"I see why they made you a detective. Yes, there's good news too. I've got a surprise for you. Can you meet me at Linda Cavanaugh's house in ten minutes?"

My eyes widen in surprise. I knew that Alex was going to try and convince Petrovsky to sign off on a search warrant once Barnett's case was dismissed, but I was realistic about her chances: she didn't have any. "You actually got the warrant? Whose desk did you have to crawl under to pull that one off?"

It's a running joke between us, and I know Alex isn't offended, but when she laughs, something is off about the sound. I can't tell what it is. "You don't want to know. Meet me at Linda Cavanaugh's house, and bring Elliot with you. We need to move quickly and find those tapes before Barnett flees the state."

I glance over at Elliot's desk, but even though he's still on duty for the new couple of hours, he's nowhere to be found. "I'll track him down. He can't be far, he was just in here a minute ago. We'll meet you there as soon as we can." I pause. "Make sure you don't go in without us. I don't want Linda Cavanaugh trying to hit you again."

"I can't blame her for that. If Sam had been my son, I probably would have tried to hit me, too."

I frown. "You just got that butterfly bandage off your head, and I don't want you wearing anything worse. Wait for me and Elliot, okay?"

"Okay, but hurry up. We have a few hours at most."

I hang up the phone, although it feels strange to end the conversation without an 'I love you'. Elliot still hasn't come back to his desk, so I leave the bullpen and hurry out in the hall to look for him. I nearly run into him on the way to the elevator, and he looks surprised to see me wearing my coat. "Hey, where were you, El? We gotta go."

He lifts his hand to show me a fresh styrofoam mug. "Coffee. What's up?"

I push past him and head into the elevator, trusting that he'll follow me. "Cabot called. She wants us to meet her at the Cavanaugh's now."

"She got a search warrant?"

I nod as the elevator doors shut behind us. "Yeah. Must have called in a big favor."

Elliot snorts. "Damn, who's desk did she have to crawl under to get it?"

"That's exactly what I said. She didn't tell me, but if it's Petrovsky, I don't want the surveillance tape." We spend the rest of the ride to the first floor in silence, but excitement and hope are already budding in my chest. Alex actually did it. She's given us a chance to fix this mess of a case, probably our last chance, and I'm not going to waste it.

The drive to Linda Cavanaugh's house doesn't take long, even this late in the evening and without our siren. Elliot makes the extra effort to weave in and out of traffic, and once we're finally parked on the street beside the apartment complex, both of us take the stairs at a trot. We arrive just in time to see Alex force her shoulder between the open front door and the wall, preventing it from slamming shut with the weight of her body. I can see Linda Cavanaugh's face over her shoulder, and the expression there can only be described as disgust.

"Damn it," I mutter. "I told her not to go in alone…"

If Alex can hear me, she doesn't let on. She continues staring straight at Linda Cavanaugh. "The only reason I'm here is to find evidence against the man who hurt your son." Her voice is low, but so insistent that it sends a shiver down my spine. Elliot starts to move forward, and I place my hand on his chest to hold him back. I know Alex, and she needs to handle this on her own. "I'm more than willing to accept blame for what happened to Sam, but do not let Roy Barnett get away with what he did."

Linda Cavanaugh doesn't respond. She turns away without a word and retreats back into the apartment. It's an obvious dismissal, but she leaves the door open behind her. Alex's shoulders slump, and this time, I'm the one who steps forward. I take a risk and brush my hand against hers when I stop next to her. "You okay?" I whisper. She nods, but doesn't look at me. "Any restrictions on the search warrant?"

Her eyes dart to the side. "Nope. Whatever you can find." There's more I want to say, but now isn't the time or place. Reluctantly, I pull away from her and step inside. Linda Cavanaugh isn't anywhere to be found - probably hiding somewhere at the back of the apartment - and the place feels strangely empty as I look around.

"Bedroom first?" Elliot asks.

I nod my head. As usual, he's read my mind. If the videotapes are here, they're probably in Sam's room, where his mother would be less likely to find them. "Let's go. We're already on borrowed time."

It's never pleasant going through someone else's private things, but with Sam, it's even more unsettling than usual. His room still seems lived in, with a pile of dirty clothes on the floor and school binders on top of the desk. There are snowboarding posters on the wall and a line of trophies above the bed. My heart sinks. Sam won't be sleeping here tonight. He'll probably never see this room again.

Elliot clears his throat, and I turn to look at him. He's still standing by the door, and judging by the look on his face, he's thinking the same thoughts. "I'll take the closet," he says after a minute. "You check under the bed."

I drop down to my knees, but the only thing beneath the bed is a layer of dust on the carpet. I check under the mattress next, then inside his pillowcases as a last resort, but still no luck. With a sigh, I move on to the nightstand. The top drawer is full of magazines, and I flip through them halfheartedly.

"Liv…"

I drop the magazines and whip around to face Elliot. "Whatcha got?"

"Dunno."

He steps back out of the closet with a small brown package in his hand. It's sealed, and there's a small label in the top lefthand corner. I smile when I read the name, and Elliot does, too. "Return address is Barnett's."

Elliot rips the package open and tips it over the bed, sending a shower of styrofoam over the covers. Four black cassette tapes drop out onto the mattress. They look old, but not damaged as far as I can tell. I let out a sigh of relief while Elliot picks them up and tucks them into his arms. "Ready to go and pay our friend Roy another visit, Liv?"

"You bet. I think he might need a little help packing."

. . .

Alex is waiting for us when we step off the elevator at One Hogan Place. She's still paler than usual, but she looks more relaxed than I've seen her in weeks. She smiles when she sees me, and I smile back. "Hey. Barnett's being processed, and the tapes we found are going through evidence as we speak. We've got him."

"I knew you would. Here." She steps to the side of the hallway so that the other people getting off the elevator can pass by and sets down her briefcase. That's when I notice the thin manila folder tucked under her arm. She holds it out to me. "This is everything I have concerning Roy Barnett's trial. Evidence, witness statements, drafts of opening and closing arguments. Along with the tapes, it should be enough to put him away."

My smile vanishes. "Why are you giving this to me? Aren't you going to need it."

"I want you to have a copy." Alex bends down to pick up her briefcase again, refusing to look at me. Something isn't right about this, but I can't bring myself to ask what it is. This is the first time I've seen her at peace since Sam's suicide attempt, and I don't want to ruin it. She reaches out and presses the folder into my hands, letting our fingers brush for just a moment too long. "Humor me, Liv," she says. "Keep it."

If Elliot notices the contact, he doesn't show it. "Sure you don't wanna join us for a beer, Counselor? You've earned it."

Alex takes a step away from Elliot and shakes her head. "No," she murmurs, "but thank you for the offer. I think I should go home and get some sleep, now that I finally feel like I can."

I reach out to pull her back, open my mouth to ask her to stay, but she's gone before I can even speak, disappearing back into the elevator we just left. The doors close, and I let out a sigh of disappointment. I had expected Alex to be triumphant now that Barnett was in custody, or at least relieved, but her behavior had been strangely subdued. I turn to Elliot, still clutching the folder against my chest. "Was it just me, or is something strange going on with Alex?"

He shrugs. "I think she's just relieved. You know she blamed herself for what happened to Sam. This is closure for her."

"Yeah, I guess…" But I'm still not certain as I follow Elliot into the bullpen.

Fin is waiting for us at my desk, and Elliot waves him over. "Good news. Barnett's being processed. We're heading to Mulligan's to celebrate."

"You're probably not gonna want to do that."

My smile vanishes, and so does the last of my good mood. Something is very wrong here. I set Alex's file down on top of my desk and fold my arms over my chest. "Why's that?"

Fin nods his head once at the door to Cragen's office. "Dad's mad."

I turn around, and immediately wish I hadn't. Cragen is standing in the doorway. His eyes are narrowed, and his jaw is tightly clenched. "Get your asses in my office. Now." Elliot and I look at each other. There's nothing else we can do. Slowly, we trudge past Fin and into the jaws of Hell. Whatever we did, it's got Cragen's hands twitching like he wants to reach for the alcohol he keeps for us in his bottom drawer.

We step inside his office, and he slams the door behind us. "You searched the Cavanaugh residence without consent. Barnett's attorney's on the horn with every city official he can think of, screaming 4th Amendment violation."

At first, the words don't make sense. They jumble in my head, and it takes me several seconds to sort them out. When I finally do, I still don't understand. "What? We didn't need consent. Alex had a search warrant…."

"Try again."

My throat stops up. Cragen fades into the background, and I hear Alex's voice instead. 'You're right. I haven't lied to you before… and I think I know how to fix this...' She lied to me. The phone call, the visit to Linda Cavanaugh's apartment, the warrant for the tapes. All of it, just to get us in the door.

My mind races, trying to make excuses for her. Maybe she couldn't bear the thought of letting Barnett get away. Maybe Sam's suicide attempt pushed her over the edge. Maybe she lied to protect me. All those things are probably true, but as coldness spreads out from the hollow pit of my stomach, I realize that none of it matters. She lied to me, to Linda Cavanaugh, and everyone else, and I'm the one who gave her the idea.

Cragen steps out from around his desk, but I can't bring myself to look at him. "Are you saying Cabot told you she had a warrant?" I flash back to the folder on my desk. Barnett's file. That's why she gave it to me. She knows she won't be the one trying his case. She'll be...

"Don't remember," Elliot says from beside me.

"Don't give me that crap. You better start saving your own jobs and stop covering for the ADA."

I bite down on my lower lip. Alex is going down for this. There's no question. Nothing I say can fix this, and if I'm right, Alex doesn't want me to try. I know what I have to do. "She didn't actually say that she had a warrant…" It's the truth, but saying it makes me feel sick anyway.

"But she specifically told you to meet her for a search, implying that she had a warrant." Cragen buries his face in his hand. "She's out of her damn mind."

Elliot catches my eye. He knows what I know, and from the look on his face, he isn't going to let this go, either. "Captain, it was a good faith search. As far as we knew, she had a warrant."

"Elliot, good faith doesn't cut it when Cabot is lying to you."

Hearing Cragen say it aloud, hearing him call Alex a liar, is too much for me to bear. "She did that to protect us," I blurt out. No matter what she's done - to me, to all of us, to herself - I can't let Cragen tear into her.

Cragen just rolls his eyes. "What are you now, her lawyer?"

My fingers curl into fists. "Those tapes showed Barnett with half a dozen other boys. If we hadn't found them, we never would have been able to re-arrest him, and we never would have known about his other victims!"

"And if a judge throws those tapes out, we know nothing."

I don't answer. I can't answer. Cragen's right, but I refuse to admit it. I turn and leave his office, throwing off Elliot's hand when he tries to stop me. I know I haven't been dismissed, but I can't stay here.

I'm not sure where I'm going at first, but by the time I step out onto the sidewalk in front of the building, I know where I have to go. Alex's apartment. She's the last person I want to see, but some part of me knows I need to. I don't need an explanation from her. I already know why she did it. But until I hear her say it, until she looks me in the eye and admits that she lied to me and used me to soothe her on conscience, this whole mess is going to feel like it's my fault.