No Guts No Glory
"And I don't blame you dear
For running like you did all these years
I would do the same, you'd best believe"
The Lumineers - Stubborn Love
Alice was lying on her bed, rummaging through an old fashion magazine when Lily entered the room. They were the only people in there - the others were probably outside enjoying the warm spring weather. It was a lucky thing Alice suffered from a cold on this particular afternoon, and had to stay inside.
Lily would have wanted to be outside too - if it weren't for what she was about to confess to her best friend. Besides, he was probably out there... And what could she possibly say to him? "I'm sorry I kissed you and then ran off like an idiot"? "I'm sorry I'm too afraid" or maybe "I'm sorry your mere presence makes it hard to breathe"?
She couldn't avoid him forever, she knew that. But right now she needed Alice. Just Alice.
"Okay, now you're the one who looks ill" Alice stated, furrowing as she sat up in bed to make room for her best friend. "Did something happen?"
There was no reason to hold anything back. There was nothing to wait for. This was it.
Here it goes… No guts no glory. Why stop now?
"I'm in love with James"
The silence that followed was long. Lily had expected she'd feel lighter now that she'd said it out loud, but waiting for Alice's reaction was the real deal. Her friend slowly folded her magazine and placed it on the floor before the two girls' gazes locked.
"Are you sure?" Alice finally asked. "Can you swear that it's not just a silly crush you'll get over in a week or two?"
"Pretty sure" Lily nodded feverishly. "And since when am I the kind of girl who gets 'silly crushes', anyway?"
In fact, she had never been more sure of anything.
"And please don't ask me when or how or why it happened, because I honestly don't know. It just did"
"Okay"
Alice sounded perfectly calm. Lily stared at her.
"Okay?" she repeated confusedly. "Here I confess that I'm in love with that one person who I've wanted to strangle so many times I lost count and all you have to say is 'okay'?!"
"Well honestly, Lily..." Alice started, changing position on the bed. "... I think that's the reaction you'll get from most people around here"
Lily was too flabbergasted to speak. There were so many things she wanted to say but nothing sensible seemed to come out of her mouth:
"I... You... Why would..."
"It's not so much of a surprise to everyone else as it might be to you and James"
Lily snorted loudly.
"You make it sound like they already knew, like you all knew! But that's not possible because I only realized it myself two days ago and..."
"Yes, I know you did" Alice nodded seriously. "And I don't blame you for taking your time, honestly. James hasn't always been the mature and caring bloke he is today..."
"But that doesn't give the rest of you any reason to think I was bound to fall in love with him!" Lily exclaimed. "I mean, what are the odds? Why James of all people? It could have been anyone!"
Alice smiled.
"Ever heard the expression 'opposites attract'?"
"That's just stupid..."
"It's not!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
Lily gave up, knowing that Alice never would. None of them said anything until Alice spoke up again.
"I know you think I'm baring mad" she said softly. "But you're right in the middle of it, you don't see what I see. I've known you long enough to be sure, Lily. James challenges you, surprises you. He makes you question your beliefs and opinions…"
She drifted off. Lily held her breath.
"Another guy might be different. Maybe he would always agree just to please you and one would think that that would make his love pure, but… James and you are so different and yet so much alike. You're both extremely clever and loyal and… proud!"
Alice smiled.
"It may not always be easy" she said. "But it will be worth it, Lily. And somewhere deep inside I think you know it"
36 hours earlier
"What are you doing here?"
James repeated his question when Snape didn't answer him. He sounded even angrier now and Lily could see how he'd clenched his cheek, obviously convincing himself that attacking Snape right away wasn't the best option. Silently hoping that her presence may have some sort of calming effect on James, Lily moved slightly closer to the two young wizards. She was prepared to jump in between them, should it prove necessary.
"Severus..." was all she managed to say.
James still didn't drop Snape's gaze and the latter merely stared right back at him. Snape looked nervous; Lily had known him long enough to be able to tell. Her face flushed red of embarrassment, thinking about their last conversation.
She'd slapped him in the face...
And what should he think now, when she blushed like this? That she and James had been busy doing something in here? Oh god...
Snape took a deep breath and then he finally spoke, his gaze now resting upon Lily instead:
"I've been thinking... About what you said"
From the corner of her eye Lily could see how James looked at her, raising his eyebrows questioningly. She had told him that she hadn't managed to get anything out of Snape that night. Now it seemed rather obvious that she should have been a bit more specific.
"And?"
Her voice trembled and she hated it. Snape sighed heavily.
"And you were right. I still don't believe Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix can offer me protection"
Lily opened her mouth to oppose but Snape held up his hand to silence her. He hurried to continue:
"But I want to help you in any way I can. Because I... Because it's my only chance of making things up to you"
"Making it up, as in being forgiven for calling her a mudblood?"
For a split second, Lily had almost forgotten that James was still in the room. He glared at Snape, hatred clearly visible in his dark eyes. It used to be the other way around. Snape would be the one doing all the hating and James would just... laugh. But not now. Not anymore.
"James, it's okay..." Lily began and he looked at her as if she'd gone mad.
"Okay?" he repeated, his voice full of disbelief. "Lily, it's not okay..."
"As opposed to everything you did back in fifth year?" Snape cut in, looking right at James for the first time in several minutes.
James opened and closed his mouth again and again but no words came out. A small smile came across Snape's lips and Lily knew this could never end well. Those two had sworn to hate each other for eternity on the Hogwarts Express almost seven years ago, and they were obviously not planning to break that promise now. Not for her or anyone else.
"You said you wanted to help" she said hastily, preventing James from saying something rude in return. "What did you mean by that?"
Several seconds passed by before Snape tore his gaze away from James. When he looked at Lily, his features softened and his voice did not sound as poisonous as before.
"As I said before I was interrupted..." Another spiteful glance in James' direction. "I can not accept your offer which involves running straight to the headmaster and beg for his protection..."
"You wouldn't beg Sev. And he'd be happy to help, I know he would..."
"I'm not ready"
Now, Snape's voice sounded so serious even James seemed to understand that this was not negotiable.
"You... You lot read the Prophet every morning and so you think know everything. Well here's the deal: you don't. The Dark Lord... He has gained even more followers. People talk... Say there's no one like him. He's done incredible things, things that no witch or wizard has ever done before..."
Lily couldn't help detecting a hint of admiration in his voice and she knew why; Snape had always been drawn to power. Maybe because he'd never really had any himself. This did not go unnoticed by James, either.
"He and his followers are murderers" he said and Lily felt like grabbing his hand when she heard how upset he was. "Nothing else"
Snape ignored James completely this time, still looking at Lily:
"The point is, there's no way out. I am not one of them yet but I know things... Avery and Mulciber are not very good at keeping their mouths shut. It would be too dangerous to just drop it all and run. They would find me, their parents would hunt me down. Maybe even worse"
He did not have to say what he meant by that. Lily heard how James muttered a silent "Who cares?" under his breath but she kicked his leg hard, silently hoping that Snape hadn't heard.
"I know now that I can't make you change your mind" she whispered.
"No" Snape said, shaking his head slowly. "Not even you, Lily"
There was a long pause. Lily figured it would be nice to ask Snape to come inside, but James would probably have a fit at the bare thought... Still, they couldn't stand here in the doorway all night.
"Uhm... Would you like to come in?"
Just like Lily had expected, James looked at her incredulously. She mouthed "I'm sorry!" right as Snape passed them by and walked right into the common room. He looked around curiously.
"Don't get too comfortable" James called after him and Lily rolled her eyes. "You're not staying a second longer than necessary"
Snape snorted loudly.
"Believe me, Potter, I wouldn't dream of it"
Once again, Lily felt the need to interfere:
"Uhm... Sev, do you want anything? Tea, maybe?"
James' eyes widened.
"Are you serious?" he asked, sounding rather skeptical. "Tea?"
Lily exclaimed:
"James, he's our guest!"
"He's not a guest! He's a coward, not to mention a soon to be death eater. And I don't trust him!"
It hurt to hear him say those words out loud. Snape - her former best friend, now a soon to be death eater. It was absurd.
"But you trust me, right?"
Lily looked deep into his eyes and for a moment the two of them were alone again. She could see and almost feel how James relaxed under her stare and Lily couldn't help giving him a small smile. He sighed and that was the only answer she needed.
"Then we'll hear him out"
James looked like he still wanted to oppose but said nothing, and Lily was grateful. There was a risk Snape might change his mind and something told her that whatever information he had could be useful or maybe even crucial to James, in order to make him move on with his life.
"I'm fine, thank you" Snape said quietly.
He remained standing even when Lily and James both sat down on the couch. For a short while, nobody said anything. James looked like he wanted to ask Snape to get on with it, and Lily was grateful he didn't have time to, before Snape finally decided to speak up:
"Avery, Mulciber and Rowle were all there that day in Hogsmeade, when someone attacked you from behind"
He nodded towards James who only had time to open his mouth before Snape went on:
"They had kept an eye on you all day and watched when you two sat talking outside that clothing shop" Now, he looked at Lily, too. "When you left they followed you and hid behind one of the school carriages. It was empty at the time because it was so early and no other students planned to go back yet"
"They spied on me all day?" James asked, flabbergasted. "How come we didn't notice?"
"Well, personally I have never considered you and Black the smartest people in this school" Snape replied cooly. "And you seemed all wrapped up in your own thoughts - an easy target"
"You talk as if you were there too" James pointed out, surprisingly enough ignoring Snape's insult.
"That's because I was"
Snape sounded almost bored now and didn't seem to think that these news would shock Lily or James the slightest. Once again, it hurt. And once again, Lily still wasn't surprised. This was his life now.
"They asked me to come. I think they considered it a lesson I could learn something from. That I could study their ways and become like them" Judging from Snape's voice it was impossible to tell what he thought of this. "And they knew that you and I have never gotten along"
Breaking the heavy silence, James wondered out loud:
"So... Did they plan to finish me off or not?"
The idea of three school kids planning to kill a fellow student was, in Lily's point of view, completely mad. But then again, so was the world these days. And Avery and the others had always done exactly what their parents asked of them.
Snape shook his head firmly.
"No" he said. "I don't think they would have been able to handle something like that. At least not yet. No, it was meant as a warning"
"A warning?"
"Yes, Potter, a warning" Snape spoke slowly, as if he were addressing a five-year-old. "Last time I checked, stunning spells were not lethal..."
"I know that!" James said angrily and Lily interrupted their argument:
"Stop it, both of you! Severus, keep going please"
She followed his gaze and noticed she'd placed her hand on James' arm, almost out of pure instinct. Noticing the look of horror on her former best friend's face, Lily slowly removed it while James eyed her curiously. Her cheeks reddened again and it took some time for Snape to regain his ability to speak.
"Like I said, it was a warning. Avery got a letter from his dad a few weeks prior to Hogsmeade with instructions"
"Why?" Lily asked, unable to keep her thoughts to herself any longer. "Why would the death eaters want to warn James?"
"The letter said that they didn't want Potter to think that he was safe, just because he'd been spared that night when his parents were murdered"
Lily could see how James paled slightly at the mention of that night.
"Then why spare me in the first place?" he asked quietly. "Why didn't they just kill me when they had the chance?"
"Apparently, the Dark Lord's plan was to let you live with it as a reminder that your parents' work as aurors would get consequences. He thought your pain and despair might spread the word. At least that's what Avery's dad said"
"And then he changed his mind?" Lily asked, for James didn't seem ready to say anything at all.
Snape nodded shortly.
"He began to consider Potter a threat, Merlin knows why..." He sneered. "But nobody questions the Dark Lord, and Avery and the others' dads were asked to finish what they'd started"
"So... So Avery and the others... Their dads were the ones who..."
"Avery and Alecto Carrow" Snape answered Lily's unfinished question. "Mulciber and Rowle prepared it all. They figured out a way to get passed the safety spells surrounding the house and spied on Potter's parents to find the right moment. But they weren't too discrete..."
"They knew it" James suddenly said and Lily turned to look at his white face. "My parents knew they were being watched. I heard them talk about it... And when they came knocking on the door it was almost like they could tell who it was..."
He drifted off and Lily squeezed his hand hard, as if to say that he didn't need to say more now, not in front of Snape.
"Apparently, the Dark Lord was really angry with all of them for that reason" Snape said slowly. "It could have ruined the entire operation. That's what Avery's letter said. His dad and the others are afraid"
Snape said nothing more. The air in the room felt so thick Lily found it hard to breathe. James was, once again, glaring at the slytherin as if his life depended on it. But she could see right through his anger.
"Are you okay?" she asked him softly.
But James ignored her question. Instead, he asked Snape:
"Can I ask you something, Snape?"
Snape's silence made James continue almost right away:
"Why should we trust you? How do we know Avery and the others didn't send you here?"
Snape rolled his eyes.
"What would they get out of this?"
James shrugged.
"Maybe you're just trying to trick me into thinking that they are the guilty ones when, in fact, somebody else is responsible..."
"They are responsible!" Snape sounded almost desperate now. "If I had any Veritaserum I'd let you use it on me! Avery himself shot the stunning spell at you in Hogsmeade and his dad and Carrow killed your parents back in July. That's it, Potter!"
Lily and James both let the truth sink in and Lily could tell, from the look on James' face, that she was not the only one who didn't think Snape was lying.
"And now they want to kill me?" James asked, his voice so low it was barely audible. "When? How?"
"Avery's dad wasn't that specific with details in his letter" Snape replied shortly, once again sounding like he considered James a complete idiot. "All he said was that they planned to attack when you least expect it..."
"Well that's great" James interrupted him, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "In other words: it could be tomorrow or in a year"
"That's one way to put it, I suppose"
Lily could hear how James cursed under his breath, before standing up. He walked towards the window and stood with his back facing them.
"Then I'll just have to find them first" he said slowly. "I'm sick of this"
Without thinking, Lily let out a snort loud enough to make James and Snape both turn to look at her. Noticing, she raised her eyebrows.
"That was a joke, right?"
None of them said anything. She looked from Snape to James who eyed her curiously, obviously wondering how anyone could ever consider something as serious as this a joke.
"Please tell me you're joking"
Lilt heard that she sounded almost desperate now. Still receiving no response whatsoever, she exclaimed:
"We should go to Dumbledore, that's what we should do! Nothing else, and deep inside you both know it!"
"You've seen the posters of wanted death eaters in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade" Snape said, and Lily suddenly remembered how she and Alice had talked about it the previous summer when buying their school supplies. "Avery and the others are already the Ministry's top priority. Dumbledore can't do anything that they haven't already done"
Lily was desperately looking for a reason to argue, but couldn't find any. Snape was right. If Dumbledore had any chance whatsoever to capture death eaters, surely he would have done it by now?
"Still..." she began, voice shaking. "You can't go after them, James! It's too dangerous"
"So you think I should just sit here and wait for them to get to me?" James inquired angrily. "And do nothing?"
Once again, Lily couldn't find the right words.
"But... You can't..."
"I can't do what, Lily?"
More than anything, Lily was surprised that James Potter and Severus Snape actually seemed to agree on something. That was definitely not something you saw every day.
"It's better to die in battle than get caught by surprise" Snape said.
Lily felt like hitting him in the face for egging James on. James himself seemed to realize how upset she was, for he said:
"Nobody's going to die, Snape"
"Do we have any idea where Avery and the other death eaters are?" Lily asked. "Do you know?"
She turned to look at Snape who shook his head.
"None of my friends know, either. The death eaters all stay hidden. These are dangerous times for them, too. If the Ministry would get ahold of them..."
"Why do you keep sounding as if that's a bad thing?" James asked sharply. "They deserve years in Azkaban for everything they've done!"
But Lily wasn't listening. She felt like somebody else had taken over her body. The Lily Evans she knew wouldn't even consider any of this. It was too dangerous, too spontaneous and too unrealistic. And she never did stuff like that.
But this was James. And then, for some reason, everything had changed. Hell, if he asked her to chop off an arm she'd probably do it. Why? Why?
Because I love him.
The thought hit her so hard it felt like an explosion inside.
His eyes, his arms, his hands, his voice, his back, his face and his way of making her believe nearly everything was possible.
Him.
It was crazy and difficult and yet so easy and obvious. It was just... it. And suddenly, Lily knew there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
James
As soon as Snape had left the Heads' common room and closed Godric Gryffindor's portrait behind him, James could feel the fury build up inside of him. And now it was stronger than ever before.
He started pacing back and forth and for a moment he almost forgot that Lily was watching him. Did Snape really call that "help"?! It was a warning and a great way to spread panic, that's all. What good would come out of it?
What could he possibly do? Where to start? How would he get to them before they got to him?
"This is mad..." he muttered under his breath, not sure whether he talked to Lily or himself.
"James, please calm down..." she began but he ignored her.
"How do we know Snape's telling the truth? Maybe Avery and the others do know where their beloved daddies are!"
Lily rolled her eyes.
"Why would he lie about that? He has no reason to"
"Maybe I'll just confront them in the Great Hall tomorrow morning and..."
"I still think it would be rather clever to pay Dumbledore a visit..."
James groaned out of frustration. For a moment he stopped his pacing and turned to look at Lily. He held his hands out in exclamation.
"You heard what Snape said! Dumbledore can't do anything that the Ministry hasn't already done"
"And since when do you take advice from Snape, Potter?"
Lily had crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. She glared at James in a way that reminded him of every single argument the two of them had had during the past six years. How many times hadn't she looked at him like that? How many times hadn't she made him feel like a complete idiot, perhaps without even realizing?
They were still so different. She was realistic, calm and clever. Everything she did seem to make sense. He was the very opposite. When was the last time he'd looked before taking a leap?
But this is not like every other time, a little voice inside James' head whispered. This time, it's because she actually cares. It's all because she cares.
And I'll never have her.
James sighed heavily.
"You look lovely tonight"
A look of surprise flashed across Lily's face and she raised her eyebrows slowly. She opened and closed her mouth several times but it took a long while before any words came out.
"Thank you, I guess" she said, softly. "But what has that got to do with any of this?"
James shrugged. Honestly, he had no idea. What he'd just said had nothing and yet everything to do with this. And maybe he'd never fully understand why.
"I just thought you deserved to hear it" he said.
Now it was Lily's turn to sigh. Without a warning she walked right up to him and grabbed his right hand. She held it tightly.
"Can you promise me something?" she asked, biting her lip.
"What?"
Lily hesitated for a split moment before she replied:
"Don't do anything reckless. I can't bear the thought of... I mean... I don't want to lose you, okay?"
James felt unable to speak. What did she mean by that? Lily and this confusion she always brought with her... This constant confusion.
"You won't" he finally said, barely recognizing his own voice.
"Good"
She was coming closer and out of pure instinct he drew away. Whatever she wanted it was not what he secretly hoped. There was no way in hell and the sooner he accepted that, the better.
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the Giant Squid!"
The tension broke. Lily cleared her throat.
"Anyway..." she said. "We need a plan"
"We?" James repeated.
He knew that she cared but he never thought she was this into any of it. But maybe it was obvious. Maybe he was just blind when it came to her.
Lily stared at him as if he'd gone crazy.
"Yes!" she said. "Do you really think I'll let you hunt down two full grown death eaters all on your own? I don't want to miss all the fun!"
Her words made James think about what he'd told her that night when she'd had too much to drink.
"Do you really think I'm leaving you like this?"
There was a "we". He and Lily Evans were a "we". And at that moment James couldn't help smiling.
Lily
Alice stared at her as she finished her story. The look in her eyes wasn't like anything Lily had ever seen before. It took a long while before she managed to say anything at all.
"No! Absolutely and definitely NO!"
She was upset, there was no question about that. Lily tried:
"Alice, if you'd just listen..."
"Lily, have you lost your mind?!"
"Please just let me explain..."
But there was no point now that Alice was this worked up. Her face had turned scarlet and she clenched her teeth in a threatening sort of way when she spoke:
"YOU AND JAMES POTTER ARE NOT, AND I REPEAT NOT, HEADING OUT ON SOME CRAZY SUICIDE MISSION!"
Lily couldn't help feeling like she was a child getting yelled at. It reminded her of that time she and Petunia had both accidentally dropped a vase in the living room at Spinner's End. Their mother had not exactly been happy... Alice seemed to wait for a reply so she merely muttered under her breath:
"It's not a suicide mission"
Alice snorted loudly.
"Really?"
"Really!"
"Then what is it?"
She continued without waiting for Lily to say something:
"Lily, you said so yourself: these people are not kids, they're death eaters! They kill people! They killed James' parents and they could kill you! What exactly did you two have in mind, anyway?"
Lily shifted uncomfortably. This was almost the worst part.
"Nothing, yet" she admitted. "I just thought there has to be some way to find them..."
"And then what? Huh?" Alice interrupted her. "Are you and James going to duel against them? That's great, I really hope everything you learned in Defence Against the Dark Arts will be enough"
Her voice was dripping with heavy sarcasm.
Lily said nothing. Instead, she thought about the truth in her best friend's words. She'd spent months reading about these people in the Daily Prophet. She knew what they were capable of. They killed muggles for fun, people like her own parents... She and James didn't stand a chance and she would never risk his life, for anything. How could she be so stupid?
Alice seemed to catch the look on her friend's face for her voice sounded a whole lot softer when she said:
"Look, I'm sorry if I sound rude, I just..."
"No, you're right" Lily said, shaking her head slowly. "I don't know what I was thinking"
Alicw smiled weakly and placed her hand over hers.
"You care. And then, rational thinking isn't always an option"
"It means a lot to him" Lily admitted quietly, thinking about James.
Alice sighed tiredly.
"Well, guess what? Your life means a lot to me!"
The two best friends hugged each other tightly. When they broke apart Alice added:
"Don't you ever forget that!"
Lily gave her a small smile.
"I won't" she promised.
James
"Have you gone completely mental?!"
It was not like Remus to explode like this and first, James almost thought he'd heard wrong. But as he studied his friend's face he could see it written all over him; Remus was really upset. Sirius was not far behind and added, in a lower voice since Madam Pince had snarled at them to be quiet in the library:
"Prongs, please use the brain I know you have and tell me that this is all one fat, stupid joke..."
"It's no joke" James interrupted him, deadly serious himself. "I'll hunt them down before they find me. I have no idea how yet but I'll figure something out. I know I will"
"THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY 'QUIDDITCH'!" Remus exclaimed and for the first time in history, he did not care that a teacher had asked him to shut up. "James, it has the word 'suicide' written all over it!"
"I shouldn't have said anything..." James muttered, cursing himself for thinking that Sirius and the others would understand.
"I'm glad you told us" Peter said seriously. "Now we have a chance to stop you..."
"There's nothing you can do or say that will make me change my mind"
James turned to stare out the window, knowing this whole thing would be a lot easier if he did not have to meet Sirius' gaze. He couldn't lose this battle, he didn't have a choice...
"What about Lily?" The mention of her name interrupted James' thoughts and Sirius' eyes narrowed as they locked gazes again. "Will that make you change your mind?"
James was prepared for this.
"You know how stubborn she is, there's no point trying to talk her out of something once she's made up her mind..."
"So she deserves to die for that stubborness?"
Remus' words cut like knives through James' body. The mere thought, the idea of... He couldn't allow himself to even picture it in his head. Losing her would be like losing himself all over again, he knew that. Only this time there would be no one there to pull him back up again.
"Bring Lily and you'll both end up dead" Sirius added, obviously noticing the effect this argument had on his best friend. "Would you really do that?"
"Of course not" James snapped. "I would never do anything to hurt her. I would never let anything happen to her, she's..."
He drifted off for a second.
"She's too good" he finished before sighing heavily. "Merlin, I don't know what I was thinking"
He felt more ashamed than he ever had in his whole life. Nothing was worth risking Lily's life or well-being. Ever. Because he loved her. He really did. And he'd known it for a while, but it was not until now he'd been willing to actually admit it to himself.
He didn't just fancy Lily Evans. He didn't just want to take her to Hogsmeade or scribble down her name again and again in his notes during class.
He loved her.
Remus interrupted his thoughts once more:
"You're growing desperate James, and nobody blames you for that. But I think that, for everybody's safety, you're just gonna have to let this go. For now. Besides, Avery and the others are the Ministry's top priority and they will catch them. You don't have to do this on your own"
"They'll catch them soon, I'm sure" Sirius filled in. "And then my mother and the rest of my lovely family will get something to think about"
He smirked.
"I'm actually looking forward to it"
Even though it was incredibly frustrating James knew that the other Marauders were right. Now was not the time to get revenge. It was as simple as that.
"I still can't believe Snivellus showed up like that" Sirius said, shaking his head slowly. "What's happening to the world? Are you sure you can trust him, by the way?"
"No" James replied immediately. "But Lily trusts him. And that's enough for me"
There was a short silence, before James added:
"And don't call him that. We're past bullying others, aren't we?"
Sirius stared at him, opened and closed his mouth several times but said nothing. Remus smiled widely.
"I'm really proud of you James" he said earnestly. "And I think we have Lily to thank for some of it"
"Yeah, speaking of which..." Sirius said, leaning backwards in his chair casually while pretending like he wasn't bursting with excitement. "What's going on with you two? Any almost-kisses we haven't been told about?"
"No" James lied, thinking about the previous night. "She just wants to be friends, I've already told you so. And I'm not going to ruin that"
Sirius, Remus and Peter exchanged a glance which he firmly ignored. Then, Sirius mumbled under his breath:
"Yeah? You think she's willing to risk her own life for every single 'just friend' she has?"
"Yes" James answered bluntly. "Because that's what she's like. She always puts others ahead of herself and..."
"She fancies you mate, why can't you just accept that and get on with the snogging already?!"
"Sirius..." Remus said warningly, nodding towards Madam Pince who had just walked by and given them all an annoyed glare.
"It's simple!" Sirius continued.
"No, it's not!" James had raised his voice slightly. "Whatever this is, it's not simple! I don't know why she would do something like that for me but... I'm sure it's just... WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!"
Sirius was smiling, shaking his head slowly as if he considered James completely clueless.
"Wow" he just said. "The old James would look so carefully for any signs that Lily had finally realized what a great bloke he was. This new one... He misses them even when they're right in front of him"
James knew he shouldn't ask, for it would probably just get his hopes up for no good reason. Still, he couldn't help himself:
"What do you mean?"
"I've seen the way she looks at you" Sirius said simply. "It's the same way your parents used to look at each other, the same way Remus' parents look at each other! And that's not how you look at a 'just friend', Prongs, and you know it"
James didn't say anything, for what could he possibly say? Sirius had made up his mind and that was that. None of the others seemed willing to oppose. Could they be right?
James couldn't believe it and still, he could not stop himself from hoping.
"I never thought I'd say this, mate" Sirius said after a long silence. "But you might actually have a chance"
James
He hadn't transformed since July and he could feel it. It felt unreal, almost like a dream, seeing everything through the stag's eyes. James had always loved the feeling when transforming above everything else. He just had to close his eyes and relax and suddenly… he would be something completely different.
Maybe that was why it hadn't worked until now. He hadn't been able to relax. Tonight he needed it. For even though he was still himself nothing was as complicated when he was in his Animagus shape. And for once, he wanted to just… be.
The night was growing dark but James had no trouble making out the path ahead of him. Another perk. He enjoyed the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and the feeling of soft grass under his hooves. He wasn't cold.
It was past nine o' clock at night and no students seemed to be out at this time. And even if they were, James was an expert at hiding. After all, this had been his and the other Marauders' secret for years now. He wouldn't risk it for anything. It was during days like this it meant a whole lot. He could escape.
Some time passed by. Maybe seconds, maybe minutes or even hours. It was difficult to tell the time for it did not seem to matter. James knew that he would get into trouble if he stayed outside too late and after a while he changed back into his human form.
It was at that very moment, when he opened his eyes again, that he saw a silhouette down by the lake. A silhouette calling his name.
Lily
She had gone outside to get some fresh air and to think. She knew that Alice was right and that she could never risk her own or James' life like that. But how would she tell him? He counted on her…
Lily suddenly heard a sound, like a twig breaking, and turned around sharply. Only 20 meters away from her and the bank was an animal, the most beautiful and proud looking stag she had ever seen. It made her think of her own Patronus, which took the shape of a doe. She remembered when they'd practiced the spell back in their sixth year and there was one Patronus that had caught her attention, one that took the shape of a stag and reminded her a lot of this one…
She couldn't believe her eyes, thought she must be dreaming. For a second later the stag was gone, replaced by someone she knew more than well…
"James?"
For a moment he just stared at her. Lily's heart pounded like crazy inside her chest. Had she really just witnessed this? Could it be, could he really be a…? He was heading towards her now. Before she knew it, he'd sat down next to her and it took a long while before any of them said anything.
"You weren't exactly supposed to see that" James finally mumbled, his voice low. "No one's supposed to know, we could go to jail if they find out…"
"We?" Lily repeated, unable to hide her surprise. "You're not the only one?"
James gave her a look which almost seemed apologizing.
"Not exactly" he admitted. "It's me, Sirius and Peter. Sirius can turn into a large, black dog and Peter can become a rat…"
"Hang on" Lily held up her hand, trying to let this new piece of information sink in without fainting. "When did this happen? Are you registered? How did you do it? Why…?"
"By the end of third year" James replied. "But that was long after we found out about Remus' little problem… It took some time to figure out how to do it, it wasn't exactly easy"
Realization suddenly hit her.
"So that's why you did it?" she asked quietly. "For Remus?"
Say what you want about the Marauders, she thought, but Merlin were they loyal to their friends. James nodded.
"To keep him company during the full moons. And to prevent him from doing something he'd deeply regret the next morning. We succeeded almost every time, unless one counts that night when Snape decided to get himself into trouble…"
Lily shook her head slowly.
"Remus told me about that night… But he only said that it was a prank gone wrong and that you saved Snape's life. He never told me how, though…"
"There was nothing heroic about it" James interrupted her. "Sirius told Snape he could find out where Remus was going every month if he climbed into the Whomping Willow. The thing is, when Remus changes… He's no longer himself. He'd kill us without blinking if he got the chance. I pulled Snape back, that's all"
Lily knew that this was too much to take in all at once, but what choice did she have? She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Get a grip. This is just James, admitting that he can turn himself into a stag whenever he feels like it. Completely normal, right?
"And you're not registered?
She already knew the answer to her own question.
"No"
Before she could start going on about how dangerous that was, James hurried to say:
"But I haven't transformed since July, unless one counts tonight. It takes concentration and I haven't exactly had a lot of that lately… And since the only witness tonight was you…"
"I would never tell anyone"
He looked deep into her eyes.
"I know that" he said calmly.
They both turned to look at the lake, where the Giant Squid was playing on the surface. It made Lily think of what she'd said to James back in their fifth year, after she'd caught him bullying Snape once again… She'd said she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid than with him. Now, she desperately wanted to tell him that that was not true. But he'd probably just find her weird if she did…
She decided to change the subject.
"So…" she began, her voice barely audible. "I talked to Alice earlier today"
James nodded slightly.
"And I talked to Sirius and the others" he said.
No surprise there...
"Anyway, Alice got really upset and…"
But James held up his hand to silence her.
"I think I already know what you're going to say" he said and to her great surprise, he smiled slightly. "Remus looked like he wanted to kill me when I told them what we had in mind"
Lily bit her lip.
"I don't know what I was thinking" she whispered, shaking her head. "I mean, we wouldn't even stand a chance and…"
She forgot how to breathe when James grabbed her hand.
"… And I could never risk your life like that" he finished the sentence for her. "I never would. I'm sorry"
"Don't be"
Their faces were so close. Again. How many times hadn't this happened now?
"We should head back"
Lily could hardly believe her eyes when James, avoiding her gaze, suddenly stood up. As he started walking back towards the castle, slowly, she remained in the same position. This was getting downright annoying.
Lily's father had a friend who had moved to America in his youth. Once, he and his family had come to visit the Evans at Spinner's End. The man's daughter had been really shallow and was on the verge of driving Lily crazy, but she had said one thing that Lily simply couldn't seem to forget.
"No guts no glory"
This was ridiculous and she'd had enough. Period.
"JAMES!"
She stood up. He stopped walking and she approached him.
"What?" he asked and something that reminded her of defeat was visible in his eyes.
Lily took a deep breath. A dramatic and yet persistent little voice inside her head whispered:
"It's now or never"
What if that was true? What was she waiting for, really? Better days? She looked at his lips and avoided meeting his confused gaze.
Just do it, Lily. No guts no glory.
"Okay" she finally said, her voice trembling like never before. "Now I'm doing it"
And then she kissed him.
Author's note: Reviews are always appreciated. Thanks for reading! :)