Sebastian casually swiped a flute of champagne from a passing waiter, forcing himself to sip at the pale liquid slowly rather than downing it all in one go like he was so very tempted to do. At events like these – he was pretty sure this one was the "2012 Ohio Political Meet and Greet" - alcohol was always readily available even if you were completely underage. It was usually the only thing that made these mind-numbingly boring events even halfway bearable; God knows how many of them Sebastian had been forced to attend along with the rest of his family since his father had become State's Attorney two years ago. Normally at these events Sebastian and his sister camped out in a corner playing the "let's see how drunk we can get without the parents realizing" game for most of the night. It was fun.
Not tonight though. Tonight he was going to finally bite the bullet and ask Kurt Hummel out on a date.
Ever since his conversation with David the other day (oh who was he kidding, ever since his and Kurt's ridiculously hot session of call-it-anything-but-sex at the party) he hadn't been able to get the other boy out of his head. Not that he hadn't tried, of course. He had wanted to forget all about Kurt, Christ had he wanted to. Sebastian didn't do dating, and even if he did, Kurt-fucking-Hummel wasn't exactly his usual type. And after his conversation/brawl with Matthew he'd been even more determined to get Kurt completely out of his head.
But despite all of his best distraction tactics it seemed he was well and truly on the hook. He had gone through his own twisted version of the five stages of grief – denial, bargaining, anger - and now it seemed he had finally arrived at some sort of acceptance. Kurt had gotten under his skin, and suddenly the persona of "detached man-whore" that had served him so well for the past three years just didn't seem to cut it any more. He wanted more; he wanted everything. He wanted Kurt.
And of course, once Sebastian had accepted that he and Kurt were an inevitability, he wasn't about to do things half-assed; Sebastian Smythe never did anything half-assed. He was well aware that dating Kurt would mean him embracing Kurt's way of doing things, not vice-versa. So the next step was to go on a date; a proper, honest-to-God date, with a movie, and dinner, and a kiss goodbye on the front porch (and definitely not sex, because he was pretty sure that wasn't what most people did on a first date). Sebastian wiped his suddenly clammy hands surreptitiously on his trousers. Fuck, why did the prospect of something so perfectly innocuous terrify him so very much?
The answer to that question, of course, was currently standing on the other side of the room. Sebastian had forgotten that since Burt Hummel was now a member of Congress the Hummel household would also be attending these shindigs, and so had been caught completely off guard when the first thing he saw upon entering the room was the boy who had occupied the majority of his thoughts for the past week and a bit. When he had first laid eyes on Kurt (in his immaculately tailored suit that somehow seemed to outshine every other garment in the room while still being perfectly, appropriately, traditional) he had almost dropped the canapé he had just been handed. Because, fuck, the prospect of asking Kurt out had been scary enough when the boy was completely abstract. Having him here, in the flesh, was nothing short of traumatizing.
Still, there was no backing out now, hence the small sips of alcohol (because there was nothing wrong with a little Dutch courage in a situation like this) rather than the hefty swigs that were oh-so tempting right about now; he needed to be completely on top of his game for what was about to happen next. This was not going to go badly; he wasn't about to let past experiences fuck this up for him, not this time. He just needed to march on over to where Kurt was standing and tell the boy how he felt, just like he'd planned.
Putting his glass down on a nearby surface he took a deep breath. Right, time to get this show on the road. Walking purposefully over to where Kurt was standing – where he was drinking what looked like orange juice and watching with a small smile on his face as his father said something to make the group of older men around him laugh – he waited until he was less than a foot away before giving a small cough, making sure his features were schooled into something that resembled easy charm before speaking.
"So how are you finding your first foray into Ohio's elite?"
Kurt twisted suddenly towards the sound of Sebastian's voice, clearly not having noticed anybody approaching. When he recognized Sebastian his eyes narrowed, small creases forming on his brow as he took in the sight of the boy in front of him. "What do you want, Sebastian?" he replied curtly.
Sebastian resolutely ignored the warning bells that started to fire in his head at Kurt's steely response. This was just what they did, the bitching and banter, and if it felt a bit off, well, it was probably just Sebastian projecting his nerves onto their interactions. It was fine; he was fine.
"Easy there babe," he said casually, holding up his hands to placate the other boy. "Don't bite a guy's head off for trying to make conversation. After an hour here you'll be begging for the company of somebody who's under 50."
Kurt raised an eyebrow, cocking his head to the side as he observed Sebastian. It kind of felt like he was a bug under a microscope; Kurt's gaze was so piercing. "And by that I'm guessing you mean yourself?"
Sebastian shrugged, "Why not? Unless you want to spend your evening hobnobbing with sweaty-MacPaulson over there?" He nodded his head to his left, where the rotund son of Senator Paulson had cornered Sebastian's sister. Sebastian made a note to go rescue her as soon as he was done here; the younger boy was probably the most boring person Sebastian had ever had the misfortune to meet.
He watched with satisfaction as a small grin flitted across Kurt's face, only for the briefest of instants before Kurt's ice mask was back in place. Still, it was his opening, probably the best he was going to get. So Sebastian took it, taking Kurt's arm to pull him into a quiet corner and diving in, before the part of his brain that was still adamant that this was a terrible idea that would only end in another George situation could make him change his mind.
"Actually, that was kind of the reason I came over here." Gone was the cocky bravado of a moment ago, replaced with quiet sincerity and an earnest gaze that refused to break eye contact. Their interactions were usually so full of innuendo and counter-bluffs that Sebastian couldn't risk Kurt thinking that this was simply one of those conversations. He needed Kurt to realize that he was deadly serious about this. He paused for a second, and when Kurt didn't say anything, watching Sebastian in tight-lipped silence, Sebastian pressed forwards, the words tumbling from his mouth thick and fast.
"Look, I know that we're not exactly each other's usual types. Hell, I've spent most of my life trying to avoid the assholes of this town, I never everthought I'd gravitate towards somebody who walks around with a Marc Jacobs bulls-eye literally painted on his back, but I just can't help myself any more." He paused, giving a small cough as he almost tripped over his tongue in his haste to just get it all out in the open. "And I know that everybody at Dalton will probably tell me I'm crazy, dating someone from McKinley, and my mom will probably throw an absolute fit that I'm not going after somebody destined for Harvard Law, but I can't stop thinking about you and, quite frankly, you've completely ruined all experiences at Scandals for me. So, I don't care if I'm being a hypocrite, after all the shit I've said about the single life being the only life worth living, especially to Dave, and fuck he's never going to let me hear the end of this, but honestly, I really don't care any more." He ran out of breath there and stopped to suck in a much needed inhale. "I guess - I guess what I'm trying to say is, we've been doing this dance for a while now, and I think it's time we did it properly. Officially I mean." Sebastian let his voice trail off into nothingness; he had said his bit in what was probably the longest, most convoluted speech of his life. Now it was Kurt's turn to say something. Hopefully something reasonably short so that they could maybe skip some of the formalities and engage in some light making out and/or groping tonight. That would be acceptable right?
Kurt simply stared at Sebastian as if he had suddenly grown a second head. Sebastian couldn't help fidgeting slightly under the intensity of the gaze, but he refused to break eye contact. After what felt like the longest minute of his life Kurt shook off the hand that still grasped his arm and his lips twitched upwards in a sardonic smirk that left his eyes completely cold. "Let me make sure I've got this right. You, Sebastian Smythe, are asking me, Kurt Hummel, out on a date?"
Sebastian toyed with his cuff, dropping his gaze for just a moment. "I kind of thought that was obvious." Crap. Everybody else made it look so easy. What had he missed?
"And that was your version of a heartfelt declaration of affection? Really?"
Sebastian scowled. Couldn't Kurt tell he was trying here? They could go back to their usual snarking in a minute, but couldn't he at least take this bit seriously? "Alright Princess, I'd like to hear your version, let's see if you can do any better."
A short, sharp bark of laughter erupted from Kurt's throat. "Oh Sebastian, what on earth makes you think I'd ever want to ask you out?"
With that short sentence, spoken with such utter disdain, the whole world stopped turning for Sebastian. His head snapped to the left and to the right, and for the first time during their conversation he looked, really properly looked at the boy in front of him. There was none of the fire in his eyes that usually accompanied their verbal sparring, none of the looseness of his posture that showed he was engaged and at ease. This wasn't Kurt playing along, this was Kurt taking their conversation seriously, just not in the way Sebastian had expected. He opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out, but that didn't matter anyway because Kurt was speaking again.
"Hmmm. What to say?" He paused for just a second to make sure Sebastian was listening to him before continuing. "I understand how difficult it is, especially for someone like you, to just approach somebody and put yourself out there like this, and I suppose I can respect you for having the guts to do that. And, honestly, if you were just about anybody else I would say something about you being a lovely person but that I'm just not looking for a relationship right now, let you down gently, you know? But I can't do that with you, Sebastian. I just can't, because you? You're a complete and utter asshole."
And okay, that hurt. That hurt a lot.
Sebastian felt his whole body stiffen as Kurt's words bled into his skin, burrowing deep into his chest and making something crack inside of him. This was not how this was supposed to go. Yes, he could be a dick, but so could Kurt when he wanted to be. That was why they worked so well together, bouncing off one another without getting too offended at what the other offered up in combat. At least, that was what Sebastian had thought. Maybe he was wrong about how things were between him and Kurt. After all, it wouldn't have been the first time he'd completely misread a situation like this.
"You know, you're not so perfect yourself, Princess," he spat the last word, his voice completely devoid of the usual lilt of endearment that usually accompanied the term.
Kurt gave a scoff of laughter. "Yes, because I'm the effeminophobic bastard who thinks that he's God's gift to man and can't keep his God-damnnose out of other people's relationships."
Sebastian frowned, caught off balance by the tangent that Kurt's attack had suddenly taken. "Wait? Is this because of David and your friend? Because I'm sorry if she got hurt, I am, but you have to understand, I was only looking out for David. I just didn't want him to get hurt by a girl who doesn't care for him as much as she should-"
"Her name. Is Mercedes." Kurt's voice was practically trembling with barely concealed fury. "How dare you? How dare you get involved and ruin two people's lives and then try and justify it as 'looking out for your friend'? You really are a piece of work you know that?"
Sebastian knew it probably wasn't wise, given the circumstances, but he just couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Don't you think you're being a bit over dramatic? I hardly ruined their lives. They're big kids now; they'll survive."
"Is that what you told yourself about George?"
And just like that, it felt like all the wind had been knocked out of him. How on earth had this gone so wrong, and why the hell was George now part of their conversation? He gave a furtive glance around to make sure their argument wasn't garnering attention (and thankfully everyone around them was still deep in their own conversations), before hissing, desperately "Can we - can we just leave George out of this, please Kurt?"
"Why? Does it make you feel guilty, that someone else knows how you screwed him over?" Kurt was sounding almost hysterical by this point, his voice getting higher and higher as he jabbed a finger angrily at Sebastian's chest. "You led him on, you manipulated him, you ruined his chances of going to the college of his dreams and then, if that wasn't enough after everything else you did you him, you went and broke his heart!"
Sebastian closed his eyes against the onslaught, forcing himself to breath normally, to not overreact. Kurt's accusations were bringing back so many unwanted memories he thought he might drown in them. Yes, okay, he hadn't been blameless in that relationship, but he hadn't been the only one at fault; had he? It was all such a long time ago, and he had done such a good job of blocking it from his memory, but now here Kurt was dragging up old scars, and Sebastian found he no longer had any idea what was fact and what was simply his twisted remembering of a really dark time in his life.
"That's not exactly how it went down," he muttered, as much to himself as to Kurt, too stunned to defend himself properly. "George wasn't exactly blameless in everything either, you know."
"Oh go on, sugar coat it, if that's what you need to do," Kurt laughed scornfully. "You can dress it up however you want, I know the truth about you Sebastian." He crossed his arms defiantly, as if daring Sebastian to contest what a worthless human being he really was.
And Sebastian, Sebastian was done defending himself. So completely done. People were starting to stare but he was finding it hard to care. All that mattered to him right now was himself and Kurt; everything else was wall dressing at this stage.
"You know what, fuck this," he seethed, his voice deadly cold. "I might not be perfect but at least I can admit that I'm flawed. You stand there with that holier-than-thou smirk like you're this angel in a world full of parasites - well sorry to burst your bubble sweetheart, but nobody in this world is perfect, not even you." He paused, chest heaving with the force of his emotion. His fists clenched and unclenched by his side as he forcibly schooled his voice into something calmer. "You know what, I almost pity you Kurt, because when you finally realize that the world isn't as black and white as you think it is you're going to fall so hard. At least I never had that. I've always known what shits people could be. You - you have a nice life, Kurt." Without waiting for a response he spun on his heel, about to make for the door. There was something stopping him though, something still unsaid that needed to be vocalized.
He paused for a second, before turning slowly back towards Kurt. He spoke lowly, quietly, making sure every syllable was crystal clear. "Thank you, Kurt. Thank you for showing me what an idiot I was for thinking that anything could ever happen between someone like you and someone like me. I promise I won't make that mistake again."
And then his feet were carrying him out of the room, out of that stifling building with its probing assaults that hit just a little too close to home, and away from those piercing eyes that had once been so full of excitement during their interactions but were now only filled with utter contempt.
Where had it gone so wrong? Sebastian was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question as he violently slammed his car door shut behind him, jamming his keys in the ignition and twisting them with way too much force, but he ruthlessly squashed down the single word that was swimming round his head, because George couldn't still be fucking him over, he just couldn't. Hadn't he paid his dues already, hadn't he suffered enough at that boy's hands?
When he pulled into his drive thirty minutes later he had practically exhausted himself with all the pent up emotion that was currently coursing through his body, but at least he had a plan. Maybe he and Kurt were done, maybe they would never be anything more than what they had been already had been, but he was damned if he was going to let a ghost from his past dictate his future any longer. It was time, after three long years, for the truth to come out.
He took the stairs up to his room two at a time, filled with newfound determination. He didn't even bother to switch on his overhead light as he crossed the room to his desk, opening his laptop with a definitive click that seemed very appropriate for the situation. Once it was powered up he opened a browser, took a second to compose himself, and then began to type.
Vibrating with anger got Kurt most of the way through the party; it was easily disguised as nervousness when he was forced to speak to someone, and if he sometimes answered a bit too forcefully, well, no one seemed to notice. Carole shot him the occasional quizzical glance, but other than that he thought he pulled things off pretty well, considering the inner turmoil he was feeling.
Who the hell did Sebastian Smythe think he was? Walking up, just walking up to him after everything he'd done and everything that had happened and asking him out - the bald-faced hypocrisy of it was unbelievable. And the arrogance! Sebastian had been so sure of himself, as if there was no way Kurt could ever turn him down. That was what made Kurt angriest. The implication that all Sebastian had to do was dangle his own pretty self in front of Kurt and he'd magically forget the loyalty he had to Mercedes. And George. So George wasn't perfect, maybe he was inconsistent and flighty and maybe he and Kurt weren't a good match for one another after all. That still didn't mean he deserved to be treated the way Sebastian had treated him.
So anger held him up through the end of the party and outside the hotel, collecting their car, settling in the back seat to listen as his dad and Carole talked about people they'd met and conversations they'd had.
They were about halfway home when the anger finally began to burn itself out and left in it's wake was something much more problematical for Kurt.
Sebastian wanted him.
Sebastian Smythe, who never dated anyone, whose relationships lasted twenty minutes (as Kurt knew from personal experience, the angry part of his brain reminded him) had offered to put it all aside and try something he'd never done before. Just for Kurt. Despite his best efforts to stop it, Kurt found himself imagining what that would have been like. Being the one. Going out to dinner or a movie or a Dalton party. Turning heads as they walked in together. Whispers following them around rooms. Who was that guy? Who could possibly be so special that he could make Sebastian Smythe want to give up his wild ways?
But no. No. It didn't matter how much of an honor it might seem (to other people, never to Kurt, there was nothing honorable about somehow winning Sebastian's affection), Sebastian was an entitled, unprincipled asshole and Kurt had been perfectly right to reject him.
But by the time he was climbing the stairs to his room the enormity of what Sebastian had done was starting to hit him. And he was starting to regret - not saying no, definitely not, saying no had been the right thing, the only thing to do - but maybe regretting the circumstances that had forced him to say no.
By the time he opened his door and flipped on the light in his room Kurt was coming back full circle to anger. How dare Sebastian do this to him? How dare he offer himself that way, knowing that there was no way Kurt could accept? Knowing that he himself had created the situation that would keep Kurt from even considering it. How could he dangle that possibility before Kurt, letting him imagine what-ifs that were, ultimately, impossible?
Kurt flopped down on his bed. He hated this, this unsettled feeling. Feeling like he'd somehow done something wrong when he knew he hadn't. He sort of felt like crying - wished he could cry - because at least that would be a release of some kind. Otherwise, he didn't know what to do with the keyed-up energy that was making him feel like he needed to dance around or sing at the top of his lungs until he exhausted himself.
He was just on the verge of trying the singing thing - after all, it wasn't like he'd never belted out Broadway standards in the wee hours of the morning - when a quiet chime from his phone told him he had an e-mail. He reached automatically for it and thumbed it on.
Please Read. From Sebastian. The e-mail stared at him. He couldn't even figure out how Sebastian had gotten his e-mail address. David, he supposed. He might have texted it to David at some point when he was trying to talk to him.
Well there was no way he was reading any e-mail from Sebastian. He opened it and immediately sent it to the trash. As it was sucked down into the little trashcan on the screen the first words impressed themselves on Kurt's brain. Kurt, Please don't delete this e-mail. That's the only . . .
He dropped the phone onto his desk and marched resolutely away from it, into his bathroom, to get ready for bed. He wasn't going to read the e-mail. He didn't owe Sebastian Smythe anything. Not a single thing. No.
Please don't delete . . .
Sebastian had put him in a terrible position and there was no way he was going to let him do that again, via e-mail this time. No.
...the only...
No.
Kurt . . .
With a groan he dried his face quickly on a fluffy towel and practically leapt for the phone, collapsing on the bed just as he managed to get the trash folder open.
Kurt,
Please don't delete this e-mail. That's the only and last thing I'm going to ask of you. There's nothing here to embarrass you, no more propositions or declarations. Believe me, I've learned that lesson. But you accused me of things tonight and I deserve a chance to defend myself. You owe it to me (although you probably don't believe that) to listen. And you owe it to yourself.
First, Mercedes. I don't know your friend. But I know David, and I know David was falling head over heels for her. I don't know if his family would have accepted her or not but I know he was ready to put it all on the line to find out. David is more than a friend to me and if there was a chance in hell that he was going to lose that bet you'd better believe I was going to tell him. You may not like hearing it, but to an impartial eye . . .
Kurt laughed out loud, bitterly, at that. Yes, very impartial indeed. And Sebastian had nothing at all to gain by separating David and Mercedes. His own prejudice had nothing at all to do with it. Kurt had been perfectly right to delete the e-mail. He should stop reading right now.
But he didn't.
...to an impartial eye it looked very much like she enjoyed him but wasn't in any danger of losing her heart. If I was wrong about that, then I'm sorry. But I'll never apologize for protecting my friend from that kind of heartbreak. Never. The only thing I regret is not taking my own advice when it came to you.
And that brings me to George.
Kurt stopped reading again; he had to take a moment to try to understand. Not taking my own advice when it came to you. That sounded like Sebastian putting himself in David's place. Like he was saying that Kurt couldn't have cared for Sebastian the way Sebastian cared for him. Was he trying to say he might be as infatuated with Kurt as David was with Mercedes? That he should have known Kurt could never return his feelings? That was impossible. Sebastian, Sebastian was the one who'd lost his shit when Kurt said something about "next time" and who'd grabbed the first willing guy he could find to wash away the feel, the taste of Kurt. The part of pining lover didn't and would never fit Sebastian. Was it just some kind of trick to make him feel bad?
I don't know what's going on with you and George and I have no idea if you'll even believe what I'm about to tell you, but I will not take responsibility for what he did any more. So here it is. You can do what you want with it.
It was halfway through my freshman year at Dalton when George started to notice me. I had just turned 15, I'd just come out, and George was a senior. One of the stars of his class. I was so overwhelmed and flattered that he was paying attention to me. Everyone wanted George, and he wanted me.
He had rules right off the bat. He wasn't really out, so we had to keep it a secret, he said. His parents would freak out if they knew he was gay and they might pull him out of the school. That was the last thing I wanted so I agreed. We'd meet in empty classrooms, or broom closets. I lost my virginity up against the wall of the janitor's office and I sucked cock for the first time behind the locked door of a science classroom, terrified that someone would peek in through one of the windows or bang on the door. There was one perfect weekend, just one, when his roommate went home and we stayed in his room for two whole days. I felt so grown up and so in love. I just knew that eventually he'd have the courage to come out and we could show everyone that we were together.
It was during that weekend that George told me he needed my help. He wasn't doing well in trigonometry, and if he couldn't pull a decent grade he'd be out of the running for the scholarship he needed to go to OSU. I was such an idiot. I offered to help him study. Needless to say, that wasn't what he wanted.
You may not believe this, but I was a good kid back then. I followed the rules. I did what people expected me to. And everyone liked me. The teachers and staff loved me. It would be easy, he told me, for me to get into the office, find the teachers' computer codes, and print out the final for his math class. Who was ever going to suspect me?
Pressure was building in Kurt's chest and throat and he really wanted to stop reading - to completely reject all of this as another of Sebastian's lies. But he couldn't figure out why Sebastian would make up something like this. He'd already said he was giving up on Kurt wanting to be with him. There was no need to spin him a story about a guy he wasn't even seeing any more.
He played me like a fucking violin. How much he needed my help. That I was the only one he could trust. That if he lost out on the scholarship God knows where he'd end up after he graduated. Maybe in another state. We'd never be able to be together. And of course, I remember this one was literally while I was on my knees between his legs blowing him, if I loved him I'd be willing to do whatever it took to prove that. I knew, maybe not consciously but I'm sure that at that moment I knew what he was doing because I nearly vomited; I had to run to the bathroom for water and to try and collect myself. And he was just pissed because he didn't get to finish.
But I did it. Of course I did. I needed to believe that he really wanted me and I guess somewhere I knew that if I didn't do what he asked we'd be over. I snuck into the office when most of the secretaries were at lunch. I found the codes in a desk drawer. I printed the test.
I got caught, of course. It never occurred to me that a school like Dalton had security cameras and other ways of protecting themselves against things like this. I still want to think that it never occurred to George either. He's an asshole, but for whatever stupid reason I like to think that he didn't knowingly send me in to get caught. But that's what happened. Then there were meetings, my parents were called in, talk of expulsion. The one thing they couldn't figure out, though, was why I'd stolen a test for a class I wasn't even in. They hung that one in front of me like a carrot. They offered to just suspend me if I told them who'd asked me for the test. My parents insisted that I tell. But I never did. I was just stupid enough to think that as long as I didn't betray him, George might still want me. And just stupid enough to hope that he'd come forward and save me.
Tears were welling in Kurt's eyes, because he saw George clearly now, he understood what he'd said to Sebastian, the real impact of the accusations he'd hit him with. How could he have misunderstood so completely? He'd been right where Sebastian had been - letting George pull the wool over his eyes. Except he was a senior, Sebastian had been a freshman, newly out and so young. It wasn't fair. Kurt had been bullied plenty, but his tormentors were obvious, jocks in letter jackets with sneering faces. There were no implications between them and no emotional betrayal. What Sebastian had been through - Kurt wasn't sure he could have survived it.
In the end, it was David who saved me. David was the only person who knew everything. My one confidante. He begged me to tell them about George but I wouldn't. So he did it for me. He barged right into a meeting between my parents and the dean and told them everything. When I found out, I attacked him. I screamed at him, called him a traitor and worse. I didn't speak to him for months. And he took it. Somehow he got that I was taking all the anger I had for George out on him. And he let me. And later, when I came crawling back to apologize and beg him to forgive me, he just told me that's what friends do. And that's why I will always protect David in any way I can. Always. Even if it means hurting your friend.
Even after David's big confession I refused to back him up and name George. I don't even know, at that point, if I still had some shred of hope that he'd still want me or if it was just stubborn pride. Without my word they couldn't pin it all on him, but my parents threw their weight around enough to hammer out a deal. I wouldn't be suspended or expelled, my record would stay clean, but I would "withdraw" from the school for two years. My parents agreed to send me away, as long as I could come back for my senior year and still have the prestige of having graduated from Dalton Academy. I don't know who had the bright idea of just having George take a different trig test, but of course he failed it and lost out on his scholarship. I guess at that point they knew he must have cheated on the first one. I don't know if they ever put it in his record. By then I was in Paris and I wasn't speaking to David yet so I didn't have any source of information. I tried to talk to him once before I left but he just walked away from me, completely cold. And that was when I knew that's all it had ever been about. I mean yeah, he probably enjoyed having his own little willing sex toy, but the real point had been that test. After that I never saw George again. Until I turned around and found you smiling at him at that stupid party.
Kurt couldn't breathe. It was all hitting him at once, like a brick to the head. How stupid he'd been. How very, very far out on a limb Sebastian had gone for him. Coming over that very first night, when he didn't have to, facing down George just to make sure Kurt was okay. All the things he'd ridiculed Sebastian for, his promiscuity, his attitude, were things George had taught him. Defenses he'd built up when he was just fifteen, fifteen, to protect him from ever being hurt like that again.
And then he'd put all of that aside, everything he'd learned to be, for Kurt. To offer himself. The chance he'd taken - and Kurt had thrown it all back in his face.
I don't expect you to believe me. I know you think I lie as easily as I breathe (and that's probably true), but David knows everything and I'm going to tell him that I told you so if you really need to you can ask him. If that's what it's going to take to keep you away from George.
And don't worry. You won't hear from me again. Believe me, I've learned that lesson. Now we can both go back to the way we were before, thank God, and forget any of this insanity ever happened. I meant what I said tonight, Kurt. Thank you. For reminding me of things I swore I would never forget.
Sebastian
Kurt buried his head in his pillow and sobbed. Sobbed at the images in his head, pictures of what had been, what could have been, what would never be. Sebastian had said he pitied Kurt for the fall he would take when he realized what people were capable of. But this fall was so much worse. Kurt knew how awful people could be. He'd lived it. Not in the exact same way as Sebastian, but he had. But he'd never suspected how awful he himself could be. He'd never suspected that anyone could care about him enough that he could hurt him so casually, with hardly a thought. That he could destroy any chance they might have had before he'd even realized it had existed. And for that he cried.
And then, when tears were finally done, he picked up his phone again. He didn't care that it was well after midnight. If he didn't answer, well, then he'd wake up in the morning to one hell of a message.
Not Sebastian. He couldn't call Sebastian. He knew as surely as he knew anything that that was over. For Sebastian to make an offer like that, against every instinct he had, and be shot down? Kurt knew that there was no coming back from that. Sebastian was lost to him.
But he could call George.