Chapter Twenty Three:

"Olivia?"

I lift my eyes to look at the woman sitting in front of me. She stares back with a concerned expression on her face, forehead creased, the edges of her lips tucked down in the merest hint of a frown. She crosses her legs like Alex does, but that's where the resemblance ends. She's older and shorter, with thick dark hair, and to be honest, she's a little less icy on first impression than Alex can be.

"Olivia, are you all right? You haven't said anything for the last few minutes."

I shrug my shoulders. It's not that I don't want to cooperate. I got a recommendation from Huang first thing yesterday morning, and called Doctor Astor on my lunch break a few hours later. When she told me she had an opening the next day, I jumped at the chance. I'm not usually the type to run away from my problems, but now, staring up at her, I'm not sure what to say.

She's a stranger. She doesn't know me or Alex. She doesn't know what we've been through together. She doesn't know what the job does to people like us. And I can't help but wonder how my story will sound when I'm telling it to someone completely uninvolved. Part of me is afraid that I'll come across as… damaged? Evil? I'm not sure.

"Sorry," I mumble, twisting my hands in my lap. I'm too emotionally drained to pretend I'm not nervous. "I guess I'm just not sure what to tell you. I don't know what will help me feel better."

She leans forward in her chair. "One step at a time. You've told me a little about your job and your relationship, but you haven't said anything about why you're here. Are you feeling anxious? Depressed?"

I am feeling both those things, but I decide to go with the word that's practically screaming in my head. "Afraid. I'm here because I'm afraid. But I can't decide whether I'm afraid of being hurt, or whether I'm afraid of hurting someone else."

If Doctor Astor is surprised, it doesn't show on her face. "Someone? You mean Alex?" I nod. Alex's name was the first one on my lips when I had walked in the door. She consumed my thoughts, even though we haven't seen each other in two days. "Why do you think you're going to hurt her?"

That isn't a question I want to answer, but I start talking anyway.

Everything comes pouring out. The story winds in a long, disorganized thread, and I jump back and forth several times, but I'm desperate to fill the silence. I couldn't give Huang any concrete details, and no one at work even knows I'm dating Alex except for Elliot. This is the first time I've actually been able to talk about her, about us, or about what happened with anyone else. I talk about how we met. About how happy I was to be with her. About how she makes me laugh and smile, and about how much it frightened me when I found out about her fantasies. I'm surprised at how liberating it feels. The ball of tension in my chest pops, and I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

"...And at first, I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, I was conceived through rape. I saw what it did to my mother. How it destroyed her, how it made her hate me. So I felt betrayed. How could she like it? How could she want something like that to happen to her?"

Doctor Astor keeps listening, so I keep talking. Her eyes stay fixed on me. I hesitate when I get to the next part. The part when I realized that I enjoyed Alex's fantasies, too. Some of my relief fades. My jaw clenches, and I dig my nails into my palms. "...but afterward, I didn't feel bad about it. I just felt bad about not feeling bad. And I wanted to do it again."

I stare into her eyes. Try to peer into her brain and see what she's thinking about me. She doesn't look disgusted, and she doesn't seem to be judging me. Kind of like Huang. Maybe all therapists have a 'face' they can put on. If Huang knows her, that probably means she's worked with a lot of sick people. I'm probably not the worst she's seen. "What's the situation now?" she asks. "Are you still experimenting with this fantasy?"

I dig my teeth into my lower lip. I'm not sure how to answer. "Sort of? Two days ago, we… I…" My heels kick nervously against the bottom of the couch. "She lied to me about something important. Something that could have cost both of us our jobs. I got angry, and… she told me she liked it, says I didn't hurt her, but…"

"But you don't believe her." Doctor Astor finished the sentence for me. "Can you tell me why not?"

"She lied to me before. Why not about this?"

She stares at me for a long moment. "Do you think she's lying?"

I think back. Alex's face swims in my head. She's looking at me, and her eyes are soft and full of trust as she gazes up from between my thighs. The knot of tension in my chest chokes up tighter. "No," I mumble. "I don't think she's lying. Not about this."

"Then why are you so afraid that you've hurt her?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Because I see the same thing every fucking day when I go to work. The abusive boyfriend that pushes too far. Sometimes he doesn't even know it."

Doctor Astor sits back in her chair and pulls out a notepad and a pen. My stomach clenches. I don't like the fact that she's suddenly decided to take notes about me, but I can't bring myself to say anything. "We're going to try a thought challenging exercise." She draws a line through the middle of the paper and turns it around to show me. "On the first side, we're going to list the reasons why it's useful, even helpful, to compare yourself to a rapist. On the other side, we're going to list the reasons why it's harmful."

Suggestions for the first side are easy to come up with. "Because it helps me police my behavior. Because it makes me cautious, makes me question my choices, makes me stop and think. Because it means I'll never turn into the same monster my father was…" I pause. Except maybe I already have.

She holds up her hand. "I'm going to stop you right there. Why do you need this thought, 'I could be a rapist', to take those steps?"

I swallow, but the sore lump in my throat doesn't move. "I… guess I don't," I mumble.

She turns the chart back around. One side is crammed with words. The other is empty. "Now, tell me why this thought is harmful."

I have to think about my answer for a long time. The harder I try to grasp, the more words fall away. "Is 'it makes me feel like crap' a valid answer to the question?"

Doctor Astor nods. "Yes, your feelings are a valid reason to let go of that thought. Anything else?"

"It hurts Alex when I have those thoughts, too. I know it does."

She flips the pad of paper around and starts writing again. Then, she passes it over to me. "All right. Read through that, and hold up your hands like a scale. Which side do you want to give more weight?"

I stare down at the paper. Even though one side is cluttered and the other only has two bullet points, I know which one I have to pick. I ignore the sick, guilty feeling in my stomach and stare at four letters in the center of the second column: A-L-E-X. I sigh. "Us. Me and Alex. We have more weight."

Doctor Astor takes the notepad back and rips off the sheet of paper. Then, she folds it up and passes it back to me. "You have good instincts, Olivia. More people should question themselves the way you do, but I think you've pondered this particular question long enough. You have a good reason to let it go."

I smile. "I have the best reason."

. . .

"So, how's she doing?" Elliot asks as he leans against the wall beside me.

I don't turn to look at at him. My arms stay crossed over my chest, and my eyes remain fixed on the large, wooden double doors of the courtroom. I haven't actually seen Alex in the past three days. We've talked on the phone, but our schedules have kept us apart. I think she's doing it on purpose, trying to maintain some distance at work just in case Cragen decides to punish us for her "mistake".

"Not great," I say after a while. "Not terrible, either. I think she's just relieved that it's over."

"She thinks it's over?" Elliot asks. I can hear the surprise in his voice. "I thought there was a good chance Petrovsky would trash all our evidence?"

I shake my head. "Not with Alex arguing. She planned this too carefully. Just watch. In another minute, she'll come strolling out through those doors to tell us the tapes are in."

It actually takes another two minutes for court to adjourn, but aside from that, my guess is right on. Alex isn't smiling when she exits the courtroom, but her shoulders are squared instead of slumped, and she looks as sleek and sharp as ever. Her glasses are perched perfectly on her nose, and she doesn't have a hair out of place. Only the dark circles under her eyes that her makeup doesn't quite hide give her away.

"The tapes are in," she says when she reaches us.

I push off the wall to greet her, resisting the temptation to pull her into a hug. I've missed her terribly over the past few days. Being close to her again makes my chest ache. "Good. I knew they would be. But what about you?"

"Petrovsky acted like I killed her dog. One more enemy to add to the list."

"You took a big chance," Elliot says. The rest of the thought hangs in the silence between us. She took a big chance on us, not just herself.

Alex has the decency to look repentant. "You were never in jeopardy. I made sure of that. This will all fall on me."

"You still should have told us," he says, but when I look over at him, I can tell his resolve is weakening. He thinks she did the right thing. Even though his trust in her is shaken, his respect for her has probably doubled.

Alex's mouth tightens. I'm barely quick enough to catch the flash of guilt in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," I whisper. I know it isn't the whole truth.

"I am sorry you were ever in the middle of this. But you're right. I'm not sorry about the rest." She switches her briefcase to her left hand and shoves her glasses further up her nose, turning away and facing the other end of the hall. "I have to go. I have an arraignment."

"I'll walk you," I offer before she can escape. Perceptive as always, Elliot gives me a quiet nod of approval. He pulls the front of his jacket closed and heads for the back security exit, disappearing through the crowd. I turn back to Alex. "You don't really have an arraignment, do you?" I ask once he's out of earshot.

"No." She gives me a weak smile. "Just an hour for lunch… but I'm not particularly hungry. I have a meeting with Liz afterwards."

I flinch. "This is it, huh?"

"Yeah, this is it. In a few hours, I might not have a job anymore."

"You know it doesn't matter, right? Not to me, anyway. I wouldn't care if you took a job at the worst fast food place in Manhattan."

Her small smile grows a little wider. "What about a garbagewoman?"

"Double showers."

"Defense attorney?"

"As long as you don't work for Trevor Langan's firm. Then we'll have to break up."

She laughs and passes me her briefcase. The spark is back in her eyes. It might come and go again over the next several days, but at least she's showing signs of life. "Come on, Detective Benson. Why don't you buy me lunch? You can tell me how therapy went and keep me distracted before I go into the dragon's lair."

I reach into my pocket and clutch the folded piece of paper there. "Okay. Sounds like a plan."

. . .

AN: Hi guys! My unannounced hiatus is over. There's one more chapter of this story to go, and it'll probably come out on Halloween. Speaking of Halloween, I've got a new book scheduled for October 31st: And Once More Saw The Stars. Please follow raedmagdon on tumblr and facebook and keep an eye out for the promotional materials! It's a fully illustrated novel with beautiful drawings by Octosquiddle, and I'm SUPER excited about it. The plot involves a demon traveling through the nine circles of hell with her lover to get her soul back. :D