Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kakashi and Tenzou's emotional make up session did NOTHING to encourage Kakashi to behave at therapy. It was the total opposite. He felt so thoroughly elated it was like he had no reason to be there at all.
Nevermind that the incident could totally happen again.
What are you talking about? Kakashi had ALL the things under control.
"You STILL haven't told me what it was that instigated you to attack someone you OBVIOUSLY care about." his therapist practically growled, leaning forward in her chair so far it was a miracle she hadn't toppled out. It was ten minutes into their session and the jounin was, as he was known to do, dicking her around.
Kakashi craned an eyebrow. "Obviously? And how do you know that?"
A large, sassy, knowing smirk spread across Ami's face like melted butter. It made Kakashi's skin positively crawl.
"I heard you and Tenzou outside my door yesterday. You should have heard how you said his name. Maybe I can repeat it..."
Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "Is mocking your patients part of therapy?"
"Tenzzoouuu" Ami imitated in what Kakashi thought was a TERRIBLE rendition of his voice.
"Wrong." He stated flatly.
"Oh, but it was right. It matches perfectly with the data I received on you. I'm sorry if you think this is cruel, but I really need you to understand that I can TELL WHEN YOU'RE LYING."
Kakashi winced and poked a finger into his offended ear. "Loud."
Ami seemed to physically gather her wits as she fixed up her hair and switched the position of her legs. "Now. Let us really get going, shall we? I'm going to be frank with you, as it seems you need it. You don't actually care about this Tenzou, or ANY of your friends, if you aren't willing to fix a potentially lethal issue that directly affects them."
Kakashi stared at her in not at all disguised anger.
"You are making quite a few very bold statements when you really know nothing about me."
"That statement applies to anyone in your exact situation. You almost seriously hurt him, and you aren't willing to get to the source of why that happened so you can prevent it?"
Kakashi had nothing to say to that because she was damn right and he knew it.
Tense silence stretched on for a few seconds before Kakashi broke it.
"The issue...is not how little or how much I care."
Ami waited for him to continue with an impatient, tight lipped expression that clearly stated she knew an excuse was coming.
"I simply have no desire to let a complete stranger into my head when I won't even let my friends near there."
"That-" Amy began with obvious satisfaction. "- is pure ego. Nothing else but ego. You are letting your ego get in the way of the health and safety of your team and friend."
Kakashi glared at her so heatedly he was honestly a little impressed she didn't burst into tears.
"You're going too far."
"That is the point of therapy."
Kakashi once again, and far too many times for his liking, had no response to that. Instead, he gripped the end of the arm rest of his chair so tightly the wood cracked and splintered under his hands. With a very gentle, almost inaudible exhale, he slowly let go and folded his hands in his lap.
Ami looked unimpressed. "Are you quite finished?"
"Yes."
"Shall we continue?"
"If we must."
"We must."
"Then, obviously, yes."
Ami sighed and flipped open her notebook again. Kakashi had never hated an inanimate object so vehemently. "Alright. We are still at the point where Tenzou told you you could always turn to him for help and you...?"
"Snapped."
"Yes. Got that. We are trying to get to the root of why you snapped. At that moment, PLEASE, share with me what it was that you felt."
Kakashi stared long and hard at his arch nemesis, The Therapist. As much as he hated to admit it, she had made some pretty valid points. Points that made him feel like The Fucking Shittiest Pile of Crappy Shit That Was Ever Shitted Out By A Living Being. This was NOT his ideal way of figuring himself out, but he might as well look at it as 'too damn bad' for him. He had waited this long to get help, and now, this is where it lead him.
To Bitch Face.
"Fear." Kakashi admitted shortly.
Ami, with much credit due to her, looked somber and wrote a small note in her book. "Okay. Do you know why you were afraid?"
"I don't want to get close to people."
Ami wrote away frantically and merely glanced up at Kakashi as a signal for him to keep going. He gripped the chair again and forced himself into his Ultimate Discomfort Zone.
"I lost my entire family. Including my team and my Sensei. It wasn't fun."
His therapist nodded to herself as she finished off the last of her notes. She looked right at Kakashi, her face solemn and serious. "So. You were afraid because you felt you were getting too close to Tenzou?"
Kakashi wanted to mock slow clap for her but he kept himself under control. "Yes."
"Thank you for your honesty, Hatake-san. Now, we need to move forward a bit. It couldn't be just fear that compelled you to act against your will, to the point where you had no control over yourself. At what point did you feel you couldn't predict your own actions?"
Oh god, this was literal agony. He tried to remember a time when he was physically tortured and it legitimately did not measure up to this. He would rather throw himself into Ibiki's willing arms than go through another SIX MONTHS of this incredible horror.
He closed his eyes tightly until he mustered up the will to continue. "It was slowly happening as we spoke. We were alone in the locker room after training. We were just having casual conversation. Lately...any interaction with him sets me off."
Ami obviously thought this was pure gold as she was scribbling so wickedly fast Kakashi wondered if she had some kind of ninja training.
"I know this is hard, but please describe what you mean by 'sets you off."
Kakashi almost snickered to himself at how filthy that sounded, but he remembered to stay at least partially mature. "I...am overcome with...something."
Ami looked up at him with a flat stare. "What something?"
The jounin glared in frustration. "Is that really all your job is? Just put a question mark after everything I say?"
Ami looked like she was going to snap back, but reigned herself in and stood up straighter. "I'm sorry. I just need you to be more descriptive. We know you're afraid of intimacy-"
"-Wow, that was never mentioned at all, ever, at any point-"
"-and we know you feel this fear when you interact with Tenzou, but we need something that will paralyse you to the point of receding into your subconscious."
"Going...where, sorry?"
"Just tell me what happened." Ami grumbled.
As was customary with the copy-nin, there was only so much 'sharing' he could do before some kind of mechanism snapped in his brain and the Communication Train derailed. Said train was now off such rails and rocketing towards the side of a mountain at break neck speeds.
"I'm done sharing for today." Kakashi ground out evenly, crossing his arms over his chest to signify just how done he was.
Amy turned around and glanced at the clock."We have thirty more minutes."
Kakashi merely shrugged in response.
They stared each other down for the umpteenth time in two days.
Kakashi won this round. He strolled out of the office a beautiful twenty eight minutes early with Ami flinging Hokage like threats after him as he went.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Tenzou was reading an architecture manual in the common room when Kakashi waltzed in looking far too proud of himself than a session of much hated therapy warranted.
"Good afternoon, Senpai! You look well."
The sweet, bright smile on Tenzou's face warmed Kakashi's heart. And then...just as suddenly, turned it to ice.
His entire face went white as the horrible, numbing dark something starting swirling in his gut. Tenzou could obviously tell something was wrong, so he placed his book down on the bench and slowly stood.
"Senpai...? What's wrong?"
"Ah..." Kakashi responded shakily, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing them with his fingers. "Nothing. Sorry. What were you saying?"
"I...said you look well."
The pained look on Tenzou's face, much to Kakashi's horror, seemed to calm the waves of panic that were surging in his chest.
"Therapy went well." he stated simply, completely horrified with himself. Was he starting again? Was Tenzou in danger? This is how he'd felt before he snapped, when he couldn't handle seeing Tenzou's bright face. It was one of the things he liked about Tenzou the most, and he was losing it. Losing it to whatever the fuck was wrong with him.
He zoned back in to reality to see Tenzou had taken a few steps towards him. He threw up his hand. "Stop."
Tenzou did. He stared silently, as if he knew that talking would make it worse. Kakashi took a few deep, calming breaths, but it did nothing. He needed to be away from Tenzou.
"I've got to go." he murmured, before disappearing without another word.
The mokuton user stood in the now empty room, his arms limp at his sides, obviously unhappy. He turned and walked dejectedly back to his book. He picked it up, held it to his face, but did not turn a single page in the next 30 minutes.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kakashi whisked himself away to his house and laid on his bed, pillow over his face.
What could it be.
Why was he like this.
Was he evil? Was he inherently bad? Was it inevitable that he'd turn on his friends?
Or was he just incapable of love?
He was broken. Shattered in so many places that maybe he was impossible to put back together.
As much as he hated to admit it, he needed that therapy. He needed to take it seriously.
Fuck.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The next day Kakashi hit the sparring room hard. He kicked the crap out of ten of his ANBU comrades before he agreed to leave the arena. It was pretty clear he wasn't in the greatest mental shape, as the wake of groaning bodies depicted quite obviously.
He walked into the kitchen and poured an entire glass of water over his head. He didn't know what to do with himself.
"As nice as seeing you wet is, I can't help but think it out of place."
Kakashi merely glanced to the side to acknowledge the young ANBU woman who had entered the kitchen. Her name was Mina, he'd worked with her before.
"I'm hot."
"Yes. I know. But now the floor is wet."
Kakashi glanced down. "Oops."
A troop of ANBU flitted into the kitchen. Most of them went about their business, but one took a very keen interest in Kakashi.
"Hey there, Kakashi-taichou." The random ninja greeted with a cheeky grin. He leaned on the counter next to the copy-nin, his demeanour far too familiar for Kakashi's tastes. He could almost smell the other ninja's brain burning from his over-zealous hotheadedness.
"Heard you're ah...talking to a 'doc'?"
Everyone hushed and turned to pay attention to their conversation. Kakashi felt a sliver of murderous rage creep its way into his chest. He did nothing to show his rage on the outside, however. Kakashi was a mask of careless clam.
"That's definitely top secret. You should know better as an ANBU."
The man in question, who Kakashi didn't even remember, laughed obnoxiously to himself. "Right. My bad. I just thought it was weird that someone who is supposed to be leading people into dangerous missions can't even tell the difference between real voices and the voices in his head."
Everyone stared in horror at Kakashi for his reaction. Clearly, they knew the jounin captain better than their uppity comrade did.
"I find it funny that someone with absolutely no talent managed to worm his way into ANBU. I didn't know the higher ups took sexual favours. I thought we fazed that system out years ago..."
Someone spit out their tea. The nameless ANBU looked furious.
"You're one to talk about 'sexual favours', Hatake. Do you keep that little rookie around for his skills with wood?"
Everyone screamed and leaped up as Kakashi whipped out a kunai and flung it, with zero hesitation, straight at his opponents head.
A loud "THUNG" sound rang through out the kitchen. Kakashi's kunai had hit, funny enough, wood.
The crowd turned en masse to face the entrance of the kitchen. There Tenzou stood, his hand pressed to the ground, his embarrassed flush still fresh on his cheeks.
Awkward, strained silence filled the space. The only thing that could be heard was the loud panting of the dude who had almost had his brain skewered by a kunai.
"I guess his skill with wood does come in handy, doesn't it?" Kakashi stated far too casually. He strolled around the wooden barrier, the small crowd parting like the sea for him as he went. He flicked the offending ANBU in the nose, grabbed his kunai, gently took Tenzou's arm and walked calmly away.
The rest of the ANBU waited until the pair were out of earshot before they bolted up and proceeded to tell their comrade with a death wish how much of an idiot he was.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The two travelled together in dead silence. Tenzou was utterly unsure of what to do, despite the plethora of questions he had for his Senpai. Kakashi seemed eerily calm and collected, considering he'd nearly killed someone not five minutes ago.
With a small little gulp, Tenzou decided to go for it. "S...Senpai...?"
Kakashi looked down at him. "Yes?"
"What's going on?"
Kakashi stared in silence, his eyes vacant. "I need help."
Tenzou did not seem surprised by this answer, but he did look determined.
"I can help you, Senpai."
For the first time that day, Kakashi smiled. "No, Tenzou. You can't. But thank you."
Tenzou frowned, obviously frustrated that he wasn't going to be of service to his Senpai. There was no pity in his gaze, no dramatic sadness. He didn't seem to judge his captain at all for what he was going through."Do you think those therapy sessions could help?"
Kakashi closed his eyes, still loathe to admit it despite everything. "Yes."
His kouhai nodded in understanding. "Okay. I hope so. You don't look happy, Senpai. I've never seen you like this before."
Kakashi glanced down, suddenly keen. "Have you noticed anything different about me before now?"
Tenzou nodded, his face concentrated. "Yes, a little. It seems you've been acting weird for a while, but you don't really tell me what's wrong, so I couldn't tell if you needed help." Tenzou glanced up, his face betraying a slightly wary caution with what he was about to say that made Kakashi sad. "I want to help you, you know. If you'd tell me, I'd help."
Kakashi stopped, grasping Tenzou's wrist and stopping him as well. He stared down at his younger companion, his eyes betraying nothing. He noticed Tenzou looked a little frightened, and he hoped he never saw that expression aimed at him again.
Without a word, Kakashi bent down and scooped Tenzou up into a tight hug. He felt the mokuton users muscles tense, but relax when he realized he was safe. More than safe.
"Tenzou...whatever happens, please remember this." he breathed, the scent of Tenzou's long hair filling his senses. He briefly reflected on how surprised he was that Tenzou hadn't cut it yet...but he was glad. He really liked it.
"Okay..." was the tiny answer, and Kakashi pulled away to notice Tenzou looked like he was absolutely mesmerized. His mouth formed a little 'o', and he was staring at Kakashi like he just sprouted wings. It reminded the copy-nin that what they shared may have been Tenzou's first hug. It seemed he enjoyed it.
"You know I would never mean to hurt you, right, Tenzou?"
The younger shinobi nodded wordlessly. A warm smile spread across Kakashi's face, silenced by the mask he wore. There was something sort of sadistic about his internal reaction to Tenzou being so unabashedly open with him. He knew it had to do with his innocence, his willingness to follow Kakashi, to be by his side, to do what he asked. It was the control; he had control over Tenzou. His friend was smart, and was getting smarter by the day. Other people couldn't boss him around, couldn't attain the same kind of loyalty. It was just him. That knowledge, that he had Tenzou, was what terrified and also thrilled him.
Tenzou flushed crimson from the extended contact and attention from Kakashi, a sight that snapped the jounin out of his revere, his more sinister thoughts having no place in the current moment they shared. Instead, he chose to capture the image of how utterly adorable Tenzou looked still in his arms, confused by their physical closeness.
"Maybe I'll see you tomorrow at training." Kakashi said before releasing Tenzou completely. The mokuton user looked confused as Kakashi began walking away from him.
"Wait, don't we have a mission debrief soon?"
Kakashi merely waved behind him as a response before he disappeared in a billowy whisk of smoke.
Tenzou gazed at the spot his Senpai once occupied, his confusion replaced with concern. The tiny ANBU placed a gentle hand onto his chest, where it was still warm from Kakashi's embrace.