AN: So here's another little chapter. This one gets into Carol's head about this particular day so we see a little what it's like in her mind.

Plenty, plenty more to come, though! We've got a lot that's going to happen…right now we're sort of setting up and getting settled into this new era.

I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!

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While Andrea so generously offered to do the dishes for Carol, Carol stepped into the little room that she'd made into a sewing room…though Daryl had said it had been "advertised" as a home office when he'd bought the house…and got things ready to finish up the dresses that she had to turn out.

Josephine Greene had almost retired from sewing, but she'd left her clients to Carol and Carol was eternally thankful to the woman for her careful instruction. She'd taught Carol enough that she brought in almost as much as Daryl did doing everything from tailoring to custom work.

Andrea helped Carol as much as she could and got a cut from whatever she did…not that Andrea needed to work at all. Merle supported them quite well, though Carol suspected that the business he was involved in might very well have some elements that weren't on the up and up. But he'd worked his way from door to door salesman to a partner in the business.

It wasn't surprising though. What Daryl's brother lacked in formal education he made up in charm, charisma, and shockingly good common sense…all of which he only employed when it was to his benefit.

Andrea and Merle were happy. Andrea had come into the company as a receptionist, but it hadn't been long after that and she'd become Merle's personal secretary…and then his wife…and then it seemed that before you could so much as congratulate them on their marriage they had welcomed Merle Jr…the oldest of their boys. And from there? From there it had simply been one child after the other.

Carol knew that Andrea was tired of having children. She'd cried forever about it the last time she'd found out she was pregnant. But she couldn't say anything to Merle because his boys were his pride. He showed them off to everyone as though to say "look what I did…I made this…and these too." Merle would never even dream of hearing her out about doing something to avoid more of them…and so one part of the Dixon clan continuously multiplied.

And Carol did her best to comfort Andrea over the fact that she couldn't stop having children while she spent most of her time on Sundays asking forgiveness in her prayers at church for the envy that she felt for her sister in law.

It was hard to be sympathetic to someone who didn't want the children that they kept being given…strong, healthy, happy boys…when the only thing Carol felt like she needed to make her life the best life that anyone could imagine was to have a baby. Everything in her body ached for one and her mind was consumed by it so often that she couldn't hide it from Daryl.

And she tried to hide it, because part of her feared her own mind.

She feared her own mind because it was a place that was dark and didn't really feel like her own. She had a life once…a life that she could barely remember. It was a life that maybe she didn't want to remember, and what she did see in her memory came only in flashes or blurred pictures. It came in dreamlike sequences even if she was awake. And she saw herself and she saw what she thought she remembered, but it always seemed to her that she saw it as though she were seeing something happen to someone else…not to herself.

She'd been engaged to be married to a man before. A man who must have been something of an awful man…her memories of him never showed her his face, but she remembered him correcting her. She remembered him twisting her arms, bending her hands and fingers back…she could remember things like that despite their distance.

He'd left her, too, at an institution. He'd left her because he thought she was crazy…and she feared sometimes that she was crazy and that was why there was so much of her mind that she didn't understand and so much of it that she was afraid of.

She tried not to think about it. It didn't matter. The life that she'd forgotten, or at least forgotten for the most part, wasn't important. It wasn't really her life. It was someone else's life, even if that someone else was simply a younger version of herself.

Now she was married to a man that she loved more than she could even explain to anyone. He was a man that she was sure was perfect, or as close to perfection as humans could ever dream to come. He was kind and he was gentle and he loved her. He made her laugh and he laughed with her…he didn't fuss when she cried and he didn't try to control her the way that she knew that some women's husbands did. She wanted to work and she did. She liked driving and he'd taught her to drive.

Whatever she wanted, he made it come true to the point that she knew that she was spoiled. She was careful not to even mention that she liked things because, somehow, Daryl always made them appear for her. The only thing that he'd never made appear was the child that she wanted…and that wasn't his fault. It was hers. No matter what the doctors said…no matter what the specialists said…no matter what Daryl said…she knew that it was somehow her fault that they never had a child. And maybe it was something that she'd done in that past life that she couldn't recall. Maybe she was being punished for it…or maybe she was being punished for her secret bitter envy of Andrea and Merle's family.

Whatever the reason, it was the one thing she wanted that she couldn't ever have.

And the spoiled child inside of her raved and ranted that it wasn't "fair" to be denied that when she wanted it so badly…the spoiled child inside of her simply wasn't satisfied with everything that she did have because it wasn't everything she wanted.

She'd have traded any of the things that Daryl bought her…any of the nice things that other women commented on and envied…just to hold her baby in her arms. But that wasn't how it worked.

And so she tried to smile and nod and never let on how bad it bothered her when the older women clucked at her for not having children as though it was something that she'd chosen to do. She tried to ignore it when she heard other women…most of them with their children…tell her how wonderful motherhood was and how much she was missing out on. She tried to ignore it when she heard some of them say how wonderful Daryl was and how she should be happy to give him the children that he deserved.

She tried to ignore it all, but she couldn't really. And she was afraid that one day it might all come out…or it might drive her mad…if she wasn't already.

"Carol Ann," Andrea called coming through the house, "I'm going to feed Allen and put him in the bassinet…but can I put Hank in your bed for a nap?"

"That's fine," Carol called back. "Or you can make a pallet in here for him…if you're scared he might fall."

Andrea appeared in the doorway, both boys crying and tugging at her, one on her hip and the other hanging around her legs.

"That's probably a good idea…is there any of the medication I left here the last time? I think both of them could stand a dose and I could stand for them to be quiet…" Andrea said.

Carol shrugged.

"I don't know where you put it," Carol said. "If you left it here, it's here…there aren't any other kids here to take it."

As soon as she said it, Carol recognized how it came out and it flashed into her mind that maybe she ought to apologize for the way that she'd spoken…but she didn't.

Andrea didn't say anything. She stared at Carol…and Carol didn't have to look at her to know it…but then she spoke more to herself than to Carol.

"I think I left it in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom…I guess that's the best place to look," she muttered.

Carol sucked in a breath and continued what she was doing, finally ready to sit down and start working on the dresses. They had to be done today and that meant that they would be done. She was never late with her work…it was something that she prided herself on. She was fast and she was good. That was something she had.

She listened, each time the machine she worked at stopped humming, to the sounds of Andrea trying to get one boy down while the other cried, obviously needing or wanting something from her. She could help her…and often times she did…but today she was too low for that. She was too busy trying to put on the face that she was fine and that she wasn't heartbroken…she was too busy trying to be those things to keep from crying and screaming and having the fit that she wanted to have that it should be her…she would be happy to hear her children crying for her attentions. She would be ecstatic to hear them fussing because she wasn't paying them enough attention because she was busy with another.

But she wasn't going to have a fit. She was going to hold it together and she was going to apologize to Andrea for snapping at her rudely. And she was going to make dinner for Daryl…pork chops because that's what she had in the kitchen to make…and she was going to help him study for his test when he got home…and this day would end.

And tomorrow would be a good day…a great day. Today had simply started out with disappointment and that was why it was harder.

Carol got up from the machine, feeling a little calmer simply from having talked herself down, and went about making a pallet for Hank to nap on out of some extra blankets that she had in the linen closet. She was coming back with the last one to soften the pile and bumped into Andrea, carrying the little boy who seemed to already be falling asleep against her chest, his thumb stuck in his mouth.

"You don't have to do that," Andrea said, following Carol to where she was making the pallet.

Carol smiled and shook her head.

"I don't have to," she said, "but I want to. It should be comfortable for him…I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"What?" Andrea asked, feigning that she hadn't noticed the act. "I didn't take it that way…promise."

"Can I lay him down?" Carol asked, offering her arms out.

Andrea eased the boy over to Carol. He came willingly because she loved the boys as much as she could. She took care of them from time to time when Andrea needed the help. It wasn't their fault that she couldn't have children…and she did love them.

Carol eased him down on his pallet while Andrea went to work then, and she tucked him in and sat beside him on her knees for a moment, trailing her finger around his face while his eyelids fluttered, the fever Andrea had mentioned being noticeable to the touch.

And once again…like she did every time that she kept the boys…Carol said a silent prayer that it would be her. That one day she'd make up for whatever it was that she'd done…whatever it was that had offended God…or whatever it was that made her barren…and she would be tucking her own little one in to sleep in the bassinet that they kept at the house, or on a pallet, instead of one of her nephews.