Carlisle
"Esme?"
"I don't know how much more of this I can take." She whispered.
I sighed and walked over to the bed. I sat down and pulled her up so she was sitting beside me.
"It's so much harder than you think for me to be happy every single day."
"I know it's difficult for you, but you still do it, or at least act like you are, and that makes me very proud of you."
"I was expecting you to me upset that I don't tell you when I'm having a bad day."
"Well, I used to be, until I realised that nothing I do is going to make you tell me next time. I notice sometimes, Esme, but I don't bring it up because you try so hard to overcome it on your own."
She put her head into her hands.
"Not a good day?"
"This has made it a thousand times worse than it already was. I've tried so hard to be strong for you and Violetta, and then Bella, and I'm exhausted."
"Shh, I know. And now the other full vampires know because they are no doubt listening right now." I said, pulling her onto my lap. I held her to me and kissed her head.
"How do you do this?"
"Do what?"
"Stay so patient and supportive, and always stay calm, and be able to deal with what has just been discovered."
"We knew she was suicidal Esme, we just didn't know if she would ever go through with it or not."
"But we just found out that she was willing to take her own life away because she's having a bad…few days."
"You've been there before, darling. Think of it from her point of view. She never really believes us when we tell her that we love her. She thinks Mason is with her just for something to do. She thinks she's worthless, useless, she thinks she's inferior."
"How do you that?" She asked softly.
"The morphine wasn't exactly ineffective. It took a hell of a dose, but she was high, and she was answering my questions truthfully. I took advantage of it."
"What else?"
"She isn't even scared of the Volturi anymore. She just doesn't care what they would do to her anymore if they got the chance. She does know that you think she is important, and she does love you so much. That's positive, too. Actually, she has no idea what to call you anymore. She was going to start calling you mum, but she didn't know how you'd take it because of your past. I told her you would love it, but she has her doubts."
Esme sniffled and kissed my cheek, "You're too good to me."
"I'm not good enough." I whispered, kissing her lips tenderly. She kissed me back and put her arms around my neck. I hugged her back and she buried her face into the crook of my neck.
"I love you." She said, her voice muffled.
"I love you too, my love."
We stayed like that in silence for a few minutes before she pulled away and stood up. "We should probably talk to her then."
"She wants to wait for the wolves to leave first. Or at least the ones that don't live here."
"They'll know anyway as soon as Mason phases and thinks about it…"
"I don't think she thought about that at the time."
"What are we going to do Carlisle?" She asked me quietly, playing with my hands.
"I really don't know, Esme. I guess we just have to make her see that she is worth something. That she is important to all of us. That she can't leave us."
"She promised. Last time I asked her about it. She promised she wouldn't leave us."
"Things change Esme."
She nodded and pulled me up.
We walked down the staircase slowly. Alice flashed to Esme and crashed into her. The wolves were leaving the house. They called out their goodbyes to us. Esme kept her voice as level and happy as she could, but there was a dark edge to it.
"Have a good night." I called to them.
Leah and Seth returned to the kitchen to help Renesmee and Jacob clean up. Mason and Violetta were in there too. I walked in and stood by the archway, "Are you ready to explain, Violetta?" She stopped what she was doing and lifted her head. Her back was to me.
After a few seconds she nodded and turned around to face me. She stared at me for a few seconds before walking passed me and into the living room.
I followed her out and returned to Esme's side to support her if she were to break down.
The kitchen went silent. The whole house was completely still.
"Real subtle, guys." She said to the wolves and Renesmee in the kitchen.
I hadn't noticed Mason had actually moved to the living room. He was standing in the corner, watching over Violetta.
"Well, I'd like to start by thanking Carmen, for telling them." She glanced at Carmen, her eyes empty.
"I'm sorry, but they needed to know."
"They did not need to know three quarters of what you sent in that text. You said you wouldn't tell them unless it would cause harm to myself or another."
"When did you get Esme's phone?" Edward asked her.
"When you were all distracted by Paul and Emmett's bickering."
"I hope you didn't look through her and Carlisle's texts…" Rosalie said.
Violetta stared at her, "I didn't."
"Right, sorry, wrong time."
She looked at Esme and I. "Are you going to sit down or are you just going to stand there and stare at me like you want to kill me yourself?"
I glanced at Esme before moving and sitting down beside Eleazar and Carmen. Esme followed me and I held her hand. She squeezed it and smile thankfully before returned her attention to Violetta.
"Okay, so I don't know what Jasper or Edward have told any of you, or if they have at all, but they're probably blowing it way out of proportion."
"I said exactly what you were thinking." Edward said.
"And feeling." Jasper added.
"Well…" She cleared her throat and didn't know what to say. She thought about it before she looked like she got an idea.
"That works too, you can do that." Edward nodded.
"Cool." She stood up and walked upstairs quickly.
"That was a good explanation." Emmett said.
"She can't say it out loud, so she's going to write it down and I'll read it out to you guys for her."
She appeared back down the stairs and started writing against the table.
A while later, she finally put the pen down and handed the piece of paper to Edward.
Edward cleared his throat and skimmed through it quickly.
"I'm sorry if it upsets or offends anyone." Violetta said quietly.
"The past creeps up on me at very unfortunate times. And it stays from hours, to days, to weeks, to months. It lasted a year once before I was able to genuinely smile again. I've come to the point where I literally cannot bring myself to believe anything positive I am told, no matter how desperately I want to. You tell me you love me? It's nice to hear sometimes, but nothing can ever stop me from seeing nothing but lies, but someone saying one more thing just to make me feel better, but being told what people think is expected from them. Living without real parents for decades takes its toll on you. Having a man that claims to be your father to his friends and family, but when you're alone with him, you are nothing but trash to him. You are not a daughter. That is not how he sees you as he rapes you every night. I got pregnant twice, and both times I had an abortion, much to my regret now as I wish I had those children to give to Esme and Rosalie. I have never known what real 'love' feels like. Does it make you feel special? Because sometimes, sure, Carlisle or Esme or Mason will say it, but do they mean it? Because I feel nothing. I haven't felt anything for months. Pain, pain and more pain. Physical, mental, emotional. That's all. I don't remember the last time I can say that I was happy and smiling at my own will. Truly laughing, because to be honest with you, no one in this room has heard me legitimately laugh. Partly because it's embarrassing and I don't want you to, and partly because it would have to be forced anyway.
This world, it's not what everyone cracks it up to be. It's dark and full of shadows that haunt my dreams. It's filled with countless human swho lose their lives to people much like us every day. Full of animas who suffer through the same experience. Sure, no one really acknowledges the pain they go through, do they? Or you kill them quickly, because that's the most humane way. I went hunting with Jasper once. I asked him to reflect what the animal was feeling straight to me as I hunted it.
I can tell you now, if he reflected it all, I have had 10 times worse. Nothing will ever feel the same to me again, in any way you can think of, I have been damaged.
Who wants to live in a world where nothing good ever comes to them? I sure don't.
You all have your mates, your sisters, or brothers, or children, or best friends. I have a few people who haven't even known a year that claim they love me, yet I don't feel any different. I have a father, who even though I have forgiven for leaving, still shows in my dreams every night, walking out the front door, leaving a note and violet beside it.
Dad, I am so sorry for everything I have already put you through. It isn't fair on you, and as long as I stay here, it will continue to be unfair on you.
Mum, I am sorry for coming from somewhere you wished to forget, and bringing it all back. I am sorry for the hospital visits, and the constant distance I continue to try to put between us, just so I don't get as hurt as I had been.
Carmen, I am sorry for putting all that weight on your shoulders, for making you deal with it all when I could have just told…I don't know…I deer before I killed it. At least it wouldn't be three pondering what to do with the information that they try to understand, but simply cannot fathom.
Eleazar, I am sorry for putting that all on your wife, and for the hospital visits, and for making your stay here more difficult, complicated, and more dramatic than it needed to be.
Jasper, I am sorry for releasing what I let myself release onto your shoulders but as you may have figured, I try to keep you in the light. I cannot drag you down with me, especially since you can already feel it happening.
Edward, you have the most information than anyone ever has from me. I'm sorry that you particular gift didn't just reject me, and left you with my difficult mind filled with nothing but darkness and sorrow. I am sorry for giving you a hard time, too. That was so very wrong of me.
Rosalie, Alice, Bella and Emmett, I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am for walking into your lives, unexpected, for the most part (Alice, I'm looking at you) and ruining it all. Tearing your family down again and again, taking you all with me. It isn't fair for you all to have to deal with this. I try to keep it together until late, when Edward and Jasper are occupied, so none of you have to deal with any of it through them.
Kate, Garrett and Tanya, I am sorry for ruining your stay here, for making it a very dull week, apart from the start (on the weekend where Garrett found great delight in my misfortune of my father killing me when he found out about...well...yeah). I hope that if I am able to hold myself together, at least until you aren't actually inside the house, that the light may come back into everyone's lives.
Leah, Seth and Jacob, I came into your family, you vampire and wolf families, and I ruined a lot of it. I fought with Renesmee, but I tried to keep myself tamed, to calm myself when I felt the slightest bit agitated or irritated. I have tried to keep my distance from the 3 of you. I don't know how it must feel to have someone so dark to walk into your bright lives and tear it all down. I am so sorry.
Renesmee, I am sorry that you have had to put up with my impossible mood swings and jealousy. I wish I was enough for them, but you are the hybrid they need in their lives to bring light into it. To make them content with their lives and what they consist of. I am sorry for ruining your grandparents, who I am 110 per cent certain love you with every fibre of their being. Blood means nothing.
Mason, I am so sorry that you had the misfortune to imprint on me, a nobody. I may not know what it feels like to be loved, but I know what it feels like to love. I do love you, and I do wish I could bring you happiness and the life you deserve. Unfortunately, that isn't possible with my current state. I'm not strong enough to tell you that I want you to stay away from me, because I don't. But I recommend, for your sake, that you distance yourself from me, and you really think about what you want. If you do, you'll realise that it isn't me.
Please tell the pack that I am sorry for walking into their lives.
"At some point, you have to realise that some people can stay in your heart, but not I your life."
This quote is not for me, but for you.
If you were smart, you'd let me go, and build your lives back up to what they were before I arrived and destroyed them.
P.S- Alice, I know what the world can do to a girl that only sees beauty in it. Stay you, and do not ever let anyone make you forget the beauty the world consists of in your life, and used to consist in mine. I used to be like you. Bubbly, lively, always happy. Don't make the same mistakes that I did.
Edward finally finished reading. "I don't understand."
"All of that is the reasoning behind my desire to die." Violetta said very quietly.
"Even I get that…" Emmett said.
Edward skimmed though it again. "But, you don't ruin our lives. You don't tear us down."
"Really? Because several times I have heard the women in this house sob for hours. I have heard all of you guys talk together about how this whole thing is killing you. I think you forget sometimes that I can hear things just as well as you can. With your ears, anyway."
The whole room fell silent. Esme had moved closer to me, finding comfort in my touch. Everyone looked miserable in this instant.
"Jasper, stop trying." Rosalie said quietly.
"Yeah." He whispered. "Figured it wasn't working."