Author's Note: So I promise not to ruin anything before you read this, but this is what I call a "problem one-shot". In other words, for my Shakespeare/drama buffs, it's like a problem play (i.e, Measure For Measure). Not really sure whether this one ends happily or sadly. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this. It's a bit on the longer side! Still, I'm a tidbit confused.

On happier notes, for my Musical Theatre geeks, my singing teacher just gave me "In My Own Little Corner" from Rodgers + Hammerstein's Cinderella which I'm really excited about! Yay! I'm nerd-fangirling!

Day Thirty-Five: Lil Darlin by ZZ Ward ft. the O'Mys

I was trying so hard not to snap. I knew he was testing me. He was always testing me. I wondered if this was all a game to him. It probably was. He liked being in control. He knew I hated it.

And still, I couldn't get out of this horrible situation. We both knew that I could probably never leave him and I could never really replace him.

It sickened me. I tried so hard just to go away and leave, but every time…I came back. I hated it. I loved being defiant. I wasn't sure whether I liked the ramifications they'd bring later (and I always knew he'd end up punishing me later).

As for Toby himself…I thought of him the same way Winston Churchill thought of Russia; he was a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. I couldn't tell whether he actually loved me or if he just loved the game we played amongst the two of us.

As cold and calculating as he seemed, there seemed to be something about the way he'd kiss me or hold me when he thought I was asleep. It was like he was trying to fix something…to ask for forgiveness for something…

So I didn't know why, but I wanted to get back at him for all the anger he caused me. It wasn't really pain, just…anger. I was mad at him for some inexplicable reason. Maybe it was because we only ever saw each other and he only saw me when he got lonely and wanted somebody to mess around with in the dead of the night.

And I was the fool. I always went to his apartment or invited him over to mine and gave him everything he wanted and craved and more.

I stood outside of the door now, waiting for someone to answer it.

Brown eyes answered the door. I felt kind of guilty standing there in another man's apartment.

But I realized that he might have been doing the same thing to me.

"Can I come inside?"

"You can just leave then! I am so sick of you just using me. It's like I'm just here for you. It doesn't matter what I want. You're the only one benefiting from this relationship, or…whatever this is. I just can't take it anymore! You just don't care!"

He looked like he just got slapped in the face.

"I don't even want to be around someone who doesn't give a damn about how I feel. About anything," I added harshly. I knew I'd never follow through with abandoning this relationship. But I was hoping that the mere threat of doing so would get him to show me…some emotion.

I wondered if I was even getting through to him, though. His expression remained completely the same.

"I can't…" I began as I trailed off.

I felt his hands on my wrists. He wasn't hurting me or gripping my wrists violently. He was just holding me. I could've gotten out of his grasp if I wanted to. But I stayed.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

"I don't want you to go."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Really? And I thought a guy like you would've had a thousand other girls he could've slept with on any given night. Haven't you been doing that ever since…this started?" I asked venomously.

He looked me in the eyes. "I haven't slept with anyone else since I met you," he told me evenly.

My body remained just as tense, but I'm sure my eyes got lighter. And that made the guilt grow in me. The previous night was nice, but…I hadn't felt anything. At least with him, I felt…something, whether it be angry fervor or some weird, mysterious feeling I couldn't quite describe.

"I know about you and…" he trailed off. I knew how much sleeping with him would really piss Toby off, considering how much they hated each other. It truly was a nasty, horrible thing to do to him.

I crossed my arms, pulling them away from him. "If you're worried, you shouldn't be," I replied.

"And why? I'm sure he's kind and compassionate and all of that bull," he answered harshly.

I rolled my eyes. "He may be all of those things but…he's no you. You don't have to worry about it," I repeated, firmly this time.

We stared at each other for a few seconds before he kissed me. I pulled away first. I had to ask him a question which was crippling me with its mystery.

"Why do you kiss me when you think I'm asleep? Why won't you kiss me like that when we're awake?" I asked calmly.

He stared at the floor for a moment or two. He shrugged. "I don't know…scared, I guess. It's easier when you don't have to be nervous about the other person rejecting you," he confessed.

I thought about that for a while. "You can kiss me when I'm awake."

He didn't respond. I continued to examine him. "Something else is bothering you. What?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I just spilled my guts to you and…now I don't know how to feel."

"You should feel pretty happy," I said as I tugged on his hair. "I haven't rejected you."

He tried to force a smile, but I could tell it wasn't genuine.

I kissed him again. "Is this reassuring enough?" I asked quietly. "Is this what you wanted?"

He shrugged. "I don't know what I want."

"You never know what you want," I complained.

"Sorry, Spencer, but…I'm still stuck in my own mind."

"Well get out of it. I'm trying to help you here. I'm trying to teach you how to feel and be earnest," I replied.

He nodded. "Fine."

"Rule number one is that you have to relax," I said as I sat down on the bed in his bedroom and patted the mattress between my legs so he could sit down.

He sighed as he sat down and listened to me. I began to rub his back like he often did to me (but without all of the kissing and biting and other actions which would be pretty inappropriate now).

As I felt him begin to relax, I found myself beginning to relax, as well. When I finished, I gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?"

I realized, for the first time, just how lost he looked. It was like he had never been shown that kind of affection before.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "That was…just because."

I was beginning to understand him. I was also coming to terms with the fact that I'd still probably never leave him.

spobylover1237: To be fair, I say that about most of my one-shots. It's usually not because I think I'm a shitty writer, but I just...eh, I don't know. Usually, I'm not that fond of my work. It could be because of the genre (I feel like romance is a bit cliché and kind of limiting), but you know...it could be my own self-criticism. It's seldom that I ever really praise my work (I've been told that I'm "too conceited" before and that I get too cocky or whatever), so when I do, I like to think that whatever I wrote is just incredimazing, but that kind of never happens so...

MizzIsTheFizz:Thank you! And glad I'm not alone with the panic attacks. People look at me like I'm crazy, but I swear to God, I start hyperventilating and I really can't breathe when it happens.

AL3110: Aw, I'm sure you get cute when you freak out! No worries! I have not messaged anyone back anything in like a week and a half, so don't worry about it (but I did send you back your chapter, which I hope you saw!). Seriously, why can I not bring you with me to school. We could like be twins for twin day tomorrow (even though we probably look nothing alike) and I'd be like, "She's my best friend" and you'd be like my bodyguard whenever haters try and hate. And then I'd be like, "Hey, Jahir, don't ever mess with AL, or I may try to break your face. AND I will MOST CERTAINLY cash in that free slap your girlfriend gave me permission to give you." And it would be fun.

eveningshades1107:Aw :( Well, I'm sure it had a great run. The cast at my school just finished their production of Mame yesterday (and it was great; I saw it opening night, on Friday. This kid my friend Julien and I were friends with when Julien went to my school [alright, he's my frenemy, but he used to be my friend] glared at us from onstage because we were laughing at his mustache). Oh, and I'm guessing you'd probably have a problem with me. I can be really inconsistent and I'm really fickle, but I try not to contradict myself too much with double standards and everything. I think it's absolutely absurd people blame the girls for things their boyfriends have done (like, sorry, Caleb, but that was just a dumb move bringing the gun with you to the lighthouse). And on the other hand, I think it's so stupid that everyone else in the fandom wants to blame the boyfriend/girlfriend for something their girlfriend did (like I'm tired of all this Toby Cavanaugh hate for stuff he really didn't do wrong). And while I appreciate the show and I will admit that some of the writing is really great, I hate who it feels like the show is being written backwards. People always claim that the Ezra writing about Alison/being A/whatever is really inconsistent with his story thus far, and I agree, but I don't think it's Ian Harding's fault (especially if the writers didn't know he was A, which I highly suspect). Funny thing about Orphan Black...I was doing my weekly liveblogging on Tumblr and I wrote something about wondering if people were ever like "Huh, that chick looks like that girl that went missing" when they spotted Alison and some people from the OB fandom where like, yeah, and then they tagged someone named Beth and I still have no idea what they were talking about, but you know, whatever works). You and I should talk in Spanish. I need help. I'm in Spanish III right now (I have no idea how your world languages work in your school, but in my school, there's Spanish I-V and V is the highest. Most of the people in my Spanish III class are Juniors [I'm a Freshman and there are four other Freshmen and we probably have the highest grades in the class] so I'd say we're doing pretty well. I'm learning subjunctive now and I absolutely HATE it, especially since my mother says it's not really necessary to use subjunctive in Spanish and she really doesn't use it that much either. Like, ugh, why?).

Alright, the next one-shot is already completed, so I will upload it tomorrow. It's based off of Don't You Remember by Adele and if I were a dancer (ooh, I used subjunctive!), I would choreograph a ballet-lyrical routine to this song because it's so pretty. And I would just really love an excuse to wear a pretty tutu and some pointe shoes :)

Please leave me a review and also, being as I'm almost done with the one-shot after the next, I do need some of my readers' help. Tomorrow morning, I have an hour-long prep and I'd like to get writing done, so if you guys have any idea what I should do with "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele, it would be much appreciated! Please leave me a review about that or PM me about it, if you prefer! It would be extremely appreciated! -Kayson