Hi there! I apologised for my delay... life is hard sometimes...

Thank you all very much for you support.

And... ((((Laura))))) Thank you so much! Best compliment ever! I mean you don't even know!

Chapter 7: Four months later

Four months had come and gone relatively quickly. But who was counting anyway? Neither Santana nor Brittany afforded to count those four months.

After that dreadful weekend Santana left Lima completely broken, full of doubts for everything in her life, utterly miserable and never came back to see Brittany again. Their communication of course had found its normal pace again. Almost normal. They would call each other two or three times a week, share their news and that would be it. No talks about past feelings, past mistakes. No talks about a past life long missed. They would just try to make their way through a present with an unsteady friendship and an undying love.

Santana had so much anger inside her. But she couldn't decipher to whom she was angry with. The thought alone that she could actually have a life with Brittany all those years but she didn't -because what? She didn't wait long enough? -it was actually killing her. Worse than killing her. Made her wish she would be dead. No, it couldn't be right. She waited long enough and she was pretty clear with Brittany from their high school years even: she doesn't do distance. No, Brittany was just bluffing. Cause she was jealous. Jealous. Brittany was jealous. Was she jealous all these years? She actually waited for her to break up with Leslie so she could come back. Back. Back to her. No, no, no. That was too much of a burden for Santana. She made her choice long ago: A mediocre life with little loneliness and the remembrance of the greatest of loves than a lonely life with a constantly missing girlfriend, going to bed with doubts and jealousy and waking up alone in a different time zone. No, that was what she had decided and Brittany had agreed, hadn't she?

Santana was driving herself crazy. But Leslie was testing her limits even more. Deep in her wedding preparations she had become even bitter for Brittany and even more obnoxious to Santana because she wasn't helping at all. No, she wasn't helping at all because she couldn't care any less. And that was also killing her, the fact that she couldn't care for her wedding with a girl she loved for five years now. It was killing her that somewhere in her hometown there was a Brittany who broke a leg when she heard that she was getting married. It was killing her because suddenly after their talk she clearly knew, roles were reversed, a broken leg would be the least she would have done to herself.

With all those thoughts at hand she was drowning herself in work for four months.

Brittany wasn't feeling any better but she was surely more composed. From the very beginning of their relationship, Brittany was always the one who knew her truth, who wouldn't deny who she was and what she wanted because she was afraid. She knew she was in love with Santana back in high school years before Santana admitted the same. She knew when Santana broke up with her the first time she would never love anyone else. She knew when Santana broke up with her the second time she would never have a relationship with anyone else. She knew now after their talk that she wouldn't help Santana find her way back to her because for once in her life Santana should do things by herself without being afraid of the consequences. Even if she never finds her way back to her. But Brittany was used to pain and loneliness. Especially loneliness. For five years she traveled around the world without friends or family. Dancers, musicians, technicians, people would come and go, they would stay for a few months and then they would go back home to their families. But no Brittany. Brittany would never come back for more than four days every year. Constantly on the road, alone, with her memories, waiting for Santana. So Brittany knew this life pretty well. She had waited for Santana her entire life. Unfortunately her love wasn't enough to draw Santana form her fears and reservations. Not now, not ever.

So yes for four months building to Santana's wedding she was in deep pain but in a familiar one. She had a plan and that's what it was keeping her going. She would heal her leg completely; she would get over with this damn wedding and then back to the stage. But she would stay in NY for a year. She would try to have a more stable life, with friends and family, and somehow with Santana. But it would be only a year test drive. Then back to the road.

Now a week before Santana's wedding she's heading to physiotherapy with Quinn beside her. These past few months of psychotherapy were hard and painful but it gave her a goal and for that Brittany was grateful. She was walking pretty well again. Now she had to attend a professional dancer's physiotherapist so she could get back to the stage. Quinn used to visit her in Lima a lot these past four months. She was a loyal friend. Brittany was grateful for that and she was feeling that because of Quinn she would manage to stay in NY and build a life less lonely.

Quinn: You need to come to NY.

They were walking side by side slowly across a park.

Brittany: I will.

Quinn: I mean now. You have to return with me.

Brittany sighed heavily.

Brittany: Quinn…

Quinn: Brittany, the wedding is in a week. You have to come and try on dresses and help with preparations and bachelors and all that crap.

Brittany sighed again.

Quinn: Listen, I know. I know how hard it is. And believe me I don't agree with her decision to have you walk her down the aisle.

Brittany: It's the right decision.

Brittany remained stoic and composed.

Quinn: How could you say that?

Brittany: We need a closure, Q. We finally deserve a damn closure. And that's what it is. I'll give her to the person she chose to marry and I'll finally let her go. Once and for all. This game took way too long to finish. We were kids and now we reach our thirties. Enough is enough. When something is not meant to be then it's not. We need a closure.

Brittany sighed heavily again. Quinn paused for a while.

Quinn: Never, I mean never, there will be a person or a situation that will persuade me that you and Santana were never meant to be. Or that you shouldn't be together. Or that you don't love each other.

Brittany: Of course we love each other. It's a curse we have to live with.

The kept on walking in silence for a while.

Brittany: How are they? How is their relationship? How's Santana with her?

Quinn frowned with the question.

Quinn: Why do you ask? You don't know?

Brittany: Honestly? I don't. It was an unspoken rule that we don't talk too much about Leslie. I suppose that would also count for any relationship of mine. But there wasn't any. So no, I don't know a lot. She never called me to complain about any disagreement that they had. She never told me about Leslie's likes and dislikes. She never asked me my opinion about her. Nothing. We were always talking about us and work and stuff like we always do. The times I was back, I did live in their place since I didn't have anywhere else to live and that was my last residence, but I used to stay for only four days tops and Santana was all over me, not leaving me for a second. Not that I complained of course. So I would see Leslie at dinner, have small talk and stuff. I never had the chance to have an opinion about her, to really know her. She was polite, I was polite, and Santana was impatient.

Quinn: Impatient?

Brittany: For us to finish dinner so she could be with me alone.

Quinn: Did… during that time… I mean… you and Santana, did ever…

Brittany stopped her abruptly.

Brittany: No of course not. How can you say that? Besides I would never be again just a fuck for Santana. That time is long gone.

Quinn: Yeah… sorry. Well you may be surprised but I don't have a better picture of Leslie and their relationship either.

Brittany frowned.

Brittany: How come?

Quinn: I'm not going to tell you about the time you and Santana broke up.

Brittany: No. Don't. She may have suffered, but she chose it.

Quinn: Okay. Well she brought us Leslie one night on our weekly meeting with Rachel. She was very nervous. Leslie was really polite and… well you know how Leslie is… she has that over the top politeness that you feel it is kind of fake… you know?

Brittany: Yeah…

Quinn: Well that was the night of dropping bombs. Firstly she came all awkward and said: "mmm hi…. Uuhhh… this is Leslie… we.. we are dating". I mean she took about three hours to form a sentence and when she did she gave us a stroke to remember. In that dinner she also told us that she dropped NYADA and she was planning to attend Law School.

Brittany: I knew it. I just knew that Leslie had something to do with that awful decision. I mean Santana in law school? Santana? When I heard about that our fight was even bigger than our break up fight. Even my pain was bigger. I couldn't accept it.

Quinn: Honestly? I don't think it had anything to do with Leslie. I believe that everything in her life has to do with you. They start with you and end in you. Without you in her life she just lost herself. And I think being with Leslie and becoming a lawyer was a way to keep her distance of that part of her that was all about you. And because you were her whole life, she just had to change life.

Brittany: It's not my fault Quinn. She would always break up with me when I wasn't around. That can't be right. I mean what? Does she love me only when she sees me?

Quinn: She's the most insecure person walking on earth you know that. And you were the only person who believed in her. I know it's dump but every time you would choose something different from her it was an instant rejection in her mind. And she couldn't take it any longer.

Brittany was furious now. She was shouting at Quinn.

Brittany: Fuck you, Quinn! You can't blame me! She wasn't the only one that felt rejected or lonely. Hell she had all of you, I was completely alone. She may have package but I have too. I was always there for her. Always. But what did she do when I left behind at high school? Broke up with me. What did she do when I tried to do something with my life? Broke up with me. I swear to you Quinn she may be the only person I've ever loved in my life but I can't live that way. Not a day in my life. Loneliness is better. And hell I have free law services for all I care. If she can't be my partner then I can't be hers. You can't blame me! You just can't.

Brittany was so upset that started to walk abruptly causing pain to her leg and stumbled. Quinn was quick to catch her.

Quinn: Britt! Be careful! Come, come sit here.

They sat on a bench. Brittany had tears in her eyes.

Quinn: Sweetie, I've never said anything about blaming you. I just said that I understand where she comes from. She fucked up things big time. I know that. You both did. You were so stubborn that you never came back to fight for her or kick some sense in her. You were both young with a big love and big egos. But now… now she's making a mistake, Britt. She can't marry a person she doesn't love enough to commit her life with.

Brittany: It's what she chose. Obviously she loves her enough to marry.

Quinn: Come on. Don't fool yourself. You've asked about their relationship. Well I've never come to witness it. After the night we met her. Santana never came to our meetings with her again. She never went nowhere with her. The only thing she did was to invite us over to their place for dinner once or twice a month. That's the only time we see Leslie. I usually forget about her cause Santana never talks about her, never brings her around. We know nothing about their relationship. Santana is always sweet and polite with her around us but she is not the Santana we know or the Santana she was with you. You can't sit there and tell me that this is a happy relationship or that Santana is happy and content. After she broke up with you she tried to stop living.

Brittany: And when she broke up with me I've never enjoyed anything in my life again. I couldn't enjoy people's friendship, sex, dancing. She ruined everything for me. Cause everything is her. She wants to stop living? I won't stop her. I can't go back to her just to save her you know? If we were ever to come back to each other we would have to be ourselves. And she isn't. I can't save her this time.

They stood in silence both shedding their own tears. Brittany took a deep breath and stood up.

Brittany: Come on. We're going to be late.

Quinn: You still have to come to NY.

Brittany: Okay. I'll come with you tomorrow. Can I stay at your place?

Quinn: Of course. I'd be happy to have you.

The walked the rest of their way in silence.