That was quick!

I wanted to thank all of you for your reviews, follows and favorites and of course your patience, so what a better way than an update!

(((((Laura)))) I guess the only way to thank you is to update the story. It's a win-win. I cannot thank you enough...

Chapter 8: Watching but not really watching

Santana was sitting on the couch watching TV. Not really watching. Just sitting there completely indifferent to her surroundings, to her apartment full with packages and gifts and shit, to her over-energetic fiancée, to her fiancée's too loud and obnoxious friends screaming and roaming around the apartment so busy with the wedding preparations as if the queen herself is getting married. Santana always hated Leslie's friends. They were loud and boring and fake. They were nothing like her friends. Her friends were completely authentic and funny, and caring and so different from anyone else. Yup, her friends were the best. She couldn't understand how Leslie could stand her friends. But hey, everyone's different but she and Leslie have different taste of people that's for sure. Santana never really cared about their different opinions and tastes in life. She was with Leslie because she was a nice girl and she really respected her and like her but mostly because she was everything she wasn't, everything her friends weren't, everything Brittany wasn't. She wanted to forget who she was with Brittany. But now every difference between them would rise obnoxiously in front of her poking her to pay attention. How could she? She couldn't raise her eyes and see that she is a bout to marry a person that she is nothing Santana ever wanted in life. She always wanted genuine people around her, brave, and risk takers and sweet and talented and she always dreamed a life around music and art. She wanted the life she met in that choir room with those people she used to hate so much because she couldn't be so carefree like them. She wanted… she really wanted a life with Brittany because Brittany was all those things and so much more. And because she loved her, god she still loved her so much. No matter how she had gone from herself she just couldn't distanced herself from the love she had for Brittany. How could she raise her eyes and see that she's about to spend her life with the complete opposite of all that? That she is the complete opposite from what she wanted to be. She feels like a failure. She kind of is. And ashamed. She fought so hard to find herself and then she drowned him. So instead of facing all that she just sits on the couch, watching TV but not really watching, trying to mute the screaming, trying to forget she' s getting married in four days, trying to forget how unhappy she feels and how long has been that she felt herself and happy.

Leslie: Santana!

Leslie's voice was loud and startled Santana.

Santana: Yes!

Leslie: I've been calling you for five minutes.

Santana: Umm sorry I was… uhh watching TV.

Leslie: And you didn't hear me?

Santana: Sorry.

Leslie: Whatever. Where's your wedding dress?

Santana: Huh?

Santana was sure she heard something about a wedding dress but Leslie's friends were screaming excitedly so loud she missed it. She frowned.

Leslie: I said where's your wedding dress? Who has it?

Santana: God! Could you please tell them to keep it down? They're driving me crazy!

Leslie: They're happy, Santana. Something that you're clearly not. And it's not even their wedding.

Santana just wanted to open the door and disappear.

Santana: (she screamed) Are we going to fight for just about everything every fucking day until the wedding? Jesus! I'm working double shifts to cover your absence from the office because you are preparing for a fucking royal wedding here! I'm exhausted! Tell them to shut the fuck up!

Leslie: (she screamed too) YOU chose to work instead of preparing for your wedding. Because you are fucking indifferent and act like a total ass! So YOU shut the fuck up!

Santana: Don't speak to me that way cause I'm leaving now.

Leslie: You don't speak to me that way dammit! Who do you thing you are? You are leaving? That's a good one. To go where? Nobody wants you. Here's your home. The people you want, Santana, would rather travel around the world than be with you.

Santana was boiling. She was a minute before she slapped Leslie. And the thing was that they had come to this point many times these last months. She felt so fucking tired and fed up.

Santana: Shut your mouth, Leslie.

The truth is Leslie's word stung because deep inside her she was always afraid that they were true. But the thing was that from the beginning of their relationship Leslie would always make Santana feel that nobody, especially Brittany, wanted her and that she was the only one that cared about her. At some point that went inside her mind and stayed there.

Leslie: Stop acting like a baby and tell me where your fucking dress is?

Santana kicked the coffee table still boiling with rage and sat in front of the TV again.

Santana: Don't know. Don't care.

Leslie: Fine. I'll call Quinn. You are marrying me, Santana. You are marrying me either you like it or not.

Leslie left and Santana sat there speechless. How could she say that? Was Leslie willing to marry her even if she knew that she may not want to marry her anymore? That's sick. No, she just said that because she was angry. No, Leslie wanted to marry her because she thought that Santana loved her. And she did. She truly did. Just not enough. Not enough to marry her, to have a content life with her, to even have an orgasm. She was pretty sure she was faking orgasms for five years. But that was her secret. Nobody had to know. And maybe Leslie was right. Maybe she was the only one that cares for her.

Leslie entered the living room again dialing Quinn's number.

Brittany: Hello?

Leslie: Quinn?

Brittany: Uuhh it's Brittany…

Leslie felt like her heart stopped. Brittany was in NY? She was praying that day would never come. Now she was afraid she would lose Santana's control. However, she put her fake politeness on and answered watching carefully not to mention any names yet. Santana though she had noticed how she paused.

Leslie: Oh hi! Hi! How are you?

Brittany: I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

Leslie: Fine. Really anxious about the wedding but I'm good.

Brittany: Nice. I'm glad.

Leslie: So you're back?

Santana was sure by now that Leslie wasn't talking to Quinn. And now her suspicions came true. She was talking to Brittany. Her heart broke into million peaces and her mind just spread and got lost somewhere inside her. Any other time she would jump of the couch and grab the phone to talk to Brittany but not now, not today.

Brittany: I am. (She paused) It's the wedding.

Leslie: Of course. And you are staying there?

Brittany: I am. I'll send someone for my things.

Leslie: Good.

Santana wanted to kill everyone and kill herself too. She now realized that Brittany was staying with Quinn. She wondered if Leslie had this particular conversation in front of her on purpose. She felt so manipulated sometimes by Leslie.

Brittany: So you wanted Quinn?

Leslie: Uumm yeah… is she free?

Brittany: She's taking a shower, but hold on a minute.

Leslie heard Brittany walking, opening a door and then talking to Quinn. "Q, it's Leslie on the phone". Quinn answered something and then Brittany talked to Leslie again.

Brittany: Les, here's Quinn. Bye from me.

Quinn: Hi, Leslie.

Leslie: Hey.

Quinn: What's up?

Leslie: I was wondering who has Santana's wedding dress?

Quinn: Me. Why?

Leslie: Well we have to bring it here. I want to have everything ready. Our parents are coming tomorrow and we have to spend time with them. There won't be any time for stuff.

Santana wanted to kill herself for just about everything.

Quinn: Umm ok? Why though? Isn't she getting ready at my place with us?

Leslie: No. I've changed my mind.

Quinn was now suspicious and slightly irritated.

Quinn: YOU changed your mind?

Leslie: Yes. It's better to get ready together, here. We don't need to get separated and we don't want that.

Santana groaned. She never agreed to that. But she never agreed to anything. She just let everyone do whatever they wanted. Now she was forced to obey to Leslie's decision about where she is fucking getting ready. Plus Brittany was in NY.

Quinn: Oookaaayy. Then send someone to pick it up.

Quinn was really mad now that Leslie was bossing Santana so much she wasn't about to make anything easy for her.

Leslie: Fine. I let you know.

Leslie was really angry again.

Quinn: Yeah you do that. Bye.

Leslie: Bye.

They hung up together.

Santana was watching TV but not really watching. Leslie was standing behind her boiling with rage. She had to fight Santana AND her protective friends. Plus Brittany was in NY.

Leslie: Brittany is here.

Leslie was expecting for Santana to get up excited grab her keys and go find Brittany. Just like any other time. But that didn't happen. Santana didn't move a muscle. She was utterly defeated. Leslie had won one more time. She just sat there emotionless. Then Leslie nodded as if she agreed with Santana's reaction and left the room. Then Santana let a tear to escape. And that took a burden from her, the fact that she could still cry, she could still somehow react and have a damn different opinion. She was relieved.

Her phone then buzzed. She checked it and saw Brittany's name. She wished she could be happy about that but she wasn't.

Brittany: Hey homegirl! I just arrived today. I would call you sometime tomorrow. So don't be mad at me. Xx

Santana answered the only thing she found truthful inside her.

Santana: I could never. Xxx

But then something forced her to take a risk, something very strange inside her.

Santana: Do you love me?

The answer came two minutes later and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Maybe Leslie was right. And a life where Leslie was right didn't sit well with her. And then she cried again.

Brittany: Of course.