Author's Note: Mock exams and Japanese assessment went just fine, just have a presentation tomorrow and then I can have a break from college, whew! More time to spend on my lovely Shizaya couple~.

These chapters are getting longer and longer. I JUST CAN'T STOP WRITING. MY BOYS HAVE A LOT OF FEELING OKAY. Just checked the overall word-count for this story. It's over 25,000 words already, and we're not even a quarter of the way there yet. Are you guys sure you're ready for this? BRING. IT. ON.

There was no reply from the man on the other end of the line following Shizuo's brief apology. He guessed he hadn't really been expecting one straight away. There had been something in Nakura's words, they'd just struck a chord with him somehow, and he had regretted asking immediately. He didn't really know why he had apologised. Was it for asking, or was it because he was sorry that Nakura had been through something that had obviously left him the way he was today? Shizuo didn't know. He still didn't know what had happened to the other man, only that something had happened, and from the tone in Nakura's reply, he wasn't going to be pressing the matter until he was sure that the other man was ready for that, until he had calmed down or whatever he needed to do. Shizuo had waited for an hour before accepting that Nakura wasn't going to reply that night, at which point he had switched off his computer and let it be. That was fair enough, it was all about compromise, wasn't it? Nakura needed some time, and Shizuo was willing to give him that if it was what he needed. It was what friends did, wasn't it? It was what lovers did?

That had been the night before last, but Shizuo wasn't going to press like he did before. This wasn't just a case of him being impatient. He'd clearly touched on something that Nakura didn't want to be touched upon, and now he had to deal with the fallout of that. Not that it mattered, it was his job right? Well—perhaps not a job. They weren't together, not anything like that, nothing remotely close to that. Love didn't work that easily. It didn't work that way or that smoothly or that quickly. It took time, and the two of them had only known each other for a month, or perhaps a little over that. It wasn't enough time to fall in love, was it? Shizuo didn't really know. He'd never been in love before. He didn't even know what it was meant to feel like. Was it supposed to be like in all those cheesy movies, or was it something else, something different that years of love poems ad novels still struggled to capture? He'd had to study poems at school; he had thought they were stupid then, sappy. Now? Now they seemed to make perfect sense, seemed to be just what he was looking for, hoping to feel himself. Funny how things can change in such a short space of time, eh?

If he was honest, he didn't know what he felt about Nakura. It was such a foreign experience to him that he wasn't sure what he was even meant to feel at this stage. Shizuo Heiwajima in the world of online dating, the very idea was laughable, and yet he was doing it, and as far as it had gone, he was enjoying it too. It was an odd thing, to be talking with a man like this. He wasn't sure what their relationship was. They were friends, weren't they? He didn't know. Nakura knew everything about him and yet he still knew very little about Nakura, and they'd never actually met. Can one be friends with someone they've never met, let alone fall in love with them? Shizuo was beginning to think that maybe Nakura was right, maybe they should meet and he should just abandon all reservations and throw himself in head first. It wasn't as if the fall would hurt him, Shizuo's body didn't feel pain after all. He'd been shot, and stabbed by that crazy kid with a million crazy pens, that hadn't hurt, and yet- he had the feeling the sting of love would hurt more. If he felt pain that is, which he didn't.

Tonight he had left the computer off – any emails would appear on his mobile too, so he could see if Nakura had replied – choosing instead to head out to Ikebukuro and wonder the streets. He hadn't bothered to change out of his uniform, but he had crammed in the box of cigarettes and the lighter that accompanied him everywhere. One was tucked between his lips now, nestled there like an old friend, smoking curling sensually out of the tip. It had been a while since he'd just gotten out of his apartment and walked. Just walked, in the night and under the lights. It had been before Nakura, certainly. Shizuo always seemed to waste away the night – and quite often any free time he had in the day – talking with the other man, picking apart the world and chatting about plays or novels that Nakura insisted that Shizuo had to see.

It was chilly out, now that winter had finally swept in to grip the city, and Jack Frost seemed to delight in covering the trees outside of his window with little droplets of slightly frozen dew each morning. The light had already been chased from the sky by the arrival of the moon and stars that were barely visible over the light of the city. It was so bright that one might even make the mistake of thinking it was still daytime, and every building was lit up in such a way that they themselves looked like stars. Walking in the eerie glow of the fluorescent street lights, Shizuo wasn't sure what he looked like. They seemed to light up his skin in ghostly tones, bounce off of the gold of his hair and send it shooting back to compete with the stars themselves, such a princely, romantic image for a cold monster such as he. Even in this late hour, the streets were still busy. They were not nearly as crowded as they were in the daytime, but handfuls of people still hurried past, chatting and laughing as they headed to and from work and the like. Trains still rattled around, the sound of cars and vans nearby, though this would die down soon when the night-time really hit, and the inhabitants of the daytime hid away in their homes, letting the creatures of the night come out to play. Shizuo was certain that as he walked down the hotel avenue, lit with the bright and cheery lights of hotels and motels and seedy little inns, that he heard the braying of the Headless Rider's bike a few streets away. The blonde couldn't help but let his lips twist in a brief smile that fell as soon as it rose; Celty was always out at night, and Shizuo always enjoyed running into her. There was something soothing about the way she spoke, and she didn't need to have a physical voice in order to calm Shizuo down and hold his respect for her. He half wondered what she would have to say on the matter of Nakura – chatting with people online that he'd never met. Would she agree with him, or disagree, tell him that it could only end badly?

It was always so quiet at this time of night, and Shizuo found that this was one of the best times for him to think, because there was nothing to wind up his temper, except for the occasional appearance of little ticks that he sent flying away with vending machines or fence posts. Tonight was one of those nights where he was just allowed to think, and his brain seemed to be taking advantage of it, though the way it was heading, Shizuo wasn't sure if that was good or not. Nakura, that's what it kept talking about. Nakura, Nakura, Nakura. What other thing could it be thinking about? He had thought that he was making the right move by asking him what was wrong, by trying to find out the reason why Nakura had been so guarded, because there had to be one, there just had to be. Nobody's past was perfect, no one was without their flaws, and that meant there must be something in the other man's life that was wrong, that was bad, that was— maybe not everyone saw sharing in relationships as a good thing. This wasn't a relationship though, it wasn't anything, so Nakura didn't have to say anything, but there was something there, there had to be, some wish to be understood or some other kind of cliché bullshit that Shizuo had seen on daytime television programmes far too often. Maybe he had offended the other man in a way that he had not intended, or maybe it had just been too soon to ask something that deep, though Nakura had seemed to have no trouble doing so before. Funny how things can change when the tables turn. Shizuo had been captivated by Nakura early on, had learnt to trust the man with just the span of a few emails and teasing comments his way. He was attached, though in what sense or what context he didn't know, and yet he knew that Nakura didn't necessarily feel the same way. Who was Nakura? The man was a mystery, one that Shizuo wanted to figure out and yet knew that he couldn't on his own, he needed help, he needed Nakura to drop clues here and there to follow, like some sort of epic treasure hunt.

Was this what love felt like? The desire to know someone else so truly that you— that didn't seem right, no, no, it didn't. Shizuo still wasn't sure. He liked talking to Nakura, he was flattered – and embarrassed – by every suggestive comment the man sent his way, and yet he didn't think he loved him. He had no trouble in going to that bar, in letting that man take him in that way, touch him the way he did. He hadn't felt any guilt for that, because the notion was ridiculous, he and Nakura were— would he have felt guilty if he loved Nakura? What would happen if he went with another man now? He wanted Nakura to reply, but he knew it wouldn't be a big deal if the other man never did. Shizuo would accept that, he would mourn the end of their relationship as friends or acquaintances or whatever and that would be that, back to the drawing board once again. No, that couldn't be love. Love was one of those feelings that made you feel as if you were going to die without them by your side, it was one of those feelings where you hated the idea of them being with anyone else, it was one of those feelings that messed with your mind, turned it upside down. Shizuo didn't feel any of that, and yet—

When his phone vibrated, signalling an email from Nakura, his mouth still curved into a smile that was reserved solely for the other man. He still didn't hesitate to flip open the little gadget and read what he had said as quickly as he could. The very fact that he had replied after that was a good thing, right? It was a sign that he was doing something right, that he hadn't messed up this shot at love or friendship or anything like that just yet.

'Sorry I'm only just replying, Shino~
You know me – busy, busy, busy!
I actually went out to a little club last night.
Only just got back in, if you know what I mean~?

Didn't mean to give you the cold shoulder.
How have you been? Did you miss me?
Anyway~ I'm ready for your next question now.
Better make it a good one, I'm feeling honest tonight~
x '

The email was such a giant leap, even Shizuo could tell, such a giant shift in their relationship. It was still that same teasing tone that Nakura always had, and yet even he could see the undercurrent of seriousness masked behind the words and the little '~' and the kiss at the end. A kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Did Nakura want to kiss Shizuo? Shizuo was pretty sure he wouldn't complain. This wasn't love though, this wasn't, it couldn't be, and it was too soon, wasn't it? It was too soon and Shizuo didn't feel anything like the way he was meant to feel in love. He didn't seem to feel a thing for Nakura's less than subtle hint that he had sex the previous night. Was he meant to feel jealous? He didn't know. What did jealously feel like? He wasn't angry. He was elated, strangely proud of his Nakura for working above his fear and replying, and not just replying, but doing so the way he did. He wanted Shizuo to know him, didn't he? That promise of honesty and the reminder of Shizuo to ask whatever he wanted, that wasn't just for show. He was making progress, wasn't he? It was almost funny. When Shizuo had first joined, he had no idea the ways of love or sex. Nakura had been the one to tell him all about it, had guided him through like a teacher, like a guardian angel. Now it seemed so funny that these seemed to have swapped, that now it was Shizuo guiding Nakura through, gently easing the man into what was expected in society like leading a child by the hand. Funny, so funny, even because Shizuo still didn't know really what society dictated they had to do; what he knew was not from experience, but from what he had read in books or seen in cheesy romance movies.

This must be what love was like, but Shizuo didn't know, in fact he was oblivious to it all, oblivious to the beginnings of love and trust that had somewhere popped up in the virtual connection between Nakura and Shinozuka, of himself. He didn't know, not even remotely, just continuing on as if there wasn't something starting to sprout between the two of them. He didn't know.

Shizuo smiled.

He couldn't help it as he opened up the reply button so that he could send an email back, to let Nakura know he was there, reassure the other man that he wasn't running. Would that remain the same when Nakura found out who Shizuo was? Maybe, maybe not, but he hoped it would, because Shizuo knew he would never find another friend like Nakura in the course of his lifetime. Was this was love was? Was it? He didn't know. He certainly didn't think so. Love didn't feel like this, did it? Because Shizuo was a monster, and monsters don't love.

'Would you let it go to your head if I said I had missed you?
Sorry, stupid question – of course you would.
You sure you're okay for more?
I'm not as nosy as you, you know.

I'm proud of you Nak.
x.'