Wow! I just pissed off a few people. Guys, I'm sorry I made things hard for you to read them but I'm so grateful of everyone's responce. You made me feel very special. And I'm so happy that we can agree and disagree at the same time. Your reviews and follows and favourites were very special. Thank you.
I know many of you think that I exaggerate things, that stuff like that don't happen in real life, that a person would not stand an abusive relationship like Santana's and Leslie's or even that Brittany would have moved on with her life.
Well if Brittany had actually moved on, I wouldn't have a reason to write the story! ;-) And you know that in my stories Brittana is endgame. Period. There's no doubt about that. I'm not writting this story to actually have you wonder whether they will end up togerher or not. I'm actually writing it for the journey they have to make towards a fulfilled and content life.
So you may think that I exaggerate things but I can assure you that yes, a person cannot easily find their way out of an abusive relationship especially a mentally abusive like that. And I'm talking from experience here, because Santana's journey to find her strength and demand her rights in life is actually my journey to do just the same. So I'm really trying to voice my thoughts through that story so I can help myself.
And there actually are relationships like that. I'm talking from expereience again.
Thank you all so much, people!
Chapter 11: Like the blink of an eye
Time works in mysterious ways. People say time heals. But you'll find other people thinking the exact opposite. You'll find them believe that time hurts instead; especially time apart from people you want around. That time surely kills. But the thing is that some day in the future the pain may subside and everything that will remain is time; just time, unending, cruel time. And memories; time leaves them behind as a sign, a footprint that yes, he passed from there. If you can't find a way to handle your memories, they will haunt you down your entire life. If you actually find a way to handle them, means you finally found peace.
But all in all time works in mysterious ways because it's actually a reality for some people that no matter how much time passes, their thoughts and feelings, their previous state, remain untouched, strong and imminent through everything.
And now time may seem scary but it's actually only moments. It can be counted by any measure you feel comfortable. It can be minutes, hours, months or years, or it can be counted in suns or in rains or in a child's age or it's just a blink of an eye. It can be counted in blinks. Blinks are the worst. Because time passes by but you realize it when it's actually too late. Not that you would be able to bring the moment back, but you would actually have the chance to react. If your time passes like a blink of an eye, you don't react, you don't choose, you don't decide. You just go with the flow.
Santana blinked once and she was standing in the middle of a small stage watching Brittany go away leaving her behind to her mess, to her miserable life, to life without her. Everytime Brittany left it was like someone turned off the lights. Now the lights are off or did they even turn on at some point? She didn't know. She just stood there frozen. She literally didn't know what to do she had no willpower to decide this move or the other, so she blinked. She just blinked and when she opened her eyes she was waiting in the dressing room right outside the hall where her wedding would take place waiting for Brittany to come and get her and walk her over to Leslie. She was ready, wedding dress and all. But she couldn't for the life of her remember how she came here. She just remembered herself watching Brittany go away; nothing, absolutely nothing else. She blocked everything out. If she had the time to think it more over, she may have had decided that this state was maybe better. If life can pass like that without realizing it, then it would be over soon, and then this blackness that had found a place inside her it would be over. And everything, everything would be over soon. Because she really wanted everything to be over, this state was so suffocating and she felt like she had been in that position in the past but she couldn't remember when. If she had time to think. But she hadn't, because someone knocked the door. She didn't answer; maybe she had lost her voice too, like her freedom. But the door opened anyway and Brittany entered the room closing the door behind her.
Brittany was in all her glory; more beautiful than ever in her long black dress with her long blonde. Brittany was looking at her more mature and sad than she'd ever seen her. She entered the room and it was like someone sucked all the air and instead of dying by the lack of oxygen she felt more alive than ever. However, that life that abruptly entered her she pained her everywhere from her body to her soul. She thought "oh my god, it really hurts to be alive". Brittany just stood there looking at her but Santana couldn't figure out what this stare meant and then all of a sudden she found her voice.
Santana: What day is it?
Brittany: It's Saturday.
They talked like that for a bit; like they forgot how to speak to each other.
Santana: Oh…
Brittany: It's the day of the wedding.
Santana: Oh…
Brittany: It's actually time for it. I came to get you.
Santana: Oh…
Brittany: Are you ready?
Santana: I don't know. I guess.
Brittany: Ok.
Suddenly a thought formed in her mind. It was like her brain start working again. It started to form thoughts and opinions. A wave of desires and thoughts and feelings filled her. She woke up so suddenly that she voiced her first thought afraid she might lose it again.
Santana: I don't want to go, Brittany.
But Brittany remained expressionless closed to her own pain but panic started filling Santana.
Brittany: Then why are you going?
Santana: (she started pacing) I… I don't know. I don't even know how I got here, dressed and ready. But I don't want to go there, Brittany. I don't want to get married to Leslie. (She stopped and looked Brittany)
Brittany: Ok… Are you still going though?
Santana: I don't know. I guess? (She felt mad suddenly) Don't ask me anything more. That's the only thing I know. I told you all I know.
Brittany: (she nodded) Ok. I heard you. But It isn't much of a use since you are still going so… shall we?
Brittany offered her hand to Santana so they could leave. But Santana took a step behind.
Santana: No wait! I told you I don't want to go! How am I supposed to go there since I don't want to?
Brittany: (She sighed slightly annoyed) I don't know Santana. You tell me. You are the one that keeps doing something that you don't want to. You are the one that lives someone else's life. Not me. I may be sad but at least I'm honest to myself. You are the one that is back to the fucking closet!
Santana felt like hit her suddenly on the head.
Santana: To the closet? What are you saying?
Brittany: (she started yelling) Yes! That damned closet that keeps following us around all the time! I'm so tired of your closets Santana, of your fears, of your need for someone to pull you out and show you once again where the light is! I'm tired Santana! Make a fucking decision!
Brittany stopped panting heavily. Santana's face was calm like she didn't listen Brittany yelling her lungs out.
Santana: I know where the light is. I've always known.
Brittany: Alright then! Why don't you go over there?
Santana: You are the light. You have always been the light. And when you are not here there's no light to go. So I just lost my way.
Brittany didn't stop yelling feeling more upset than ever. So Santana joined the yelling match.
Brittany: Jesus, Santana! How many times we have to go over it again and again? I've never left you. I never will actually. It's not something I could do even if I wanted to. And I really wanted to sometimes.
Santana: But you weren't here.
Brittany: Why does it matter? Oh my god, Santana, it's the same conversation again and again; the same insecurities. Accept it that I can't make you happy and get it over!
Santana: But you are the only one that can make me happy!
Brittany: Then why are you marrying that bitch? Why you've been with her for five years? Why did you lose yourself?
Santana: I'm telling you! Cause you weren't here!
Brittany: Fuck! (Brittany took a vase from a nearby table and actually threw it on the wall smashing it.) What does that have anything to do with our actual feelings? I was working Santana! I was working! And I was doing what I dreamed to do. You are the one that became something you despise!
Santana: Don't you understand? I can't do anything properly if you are not around! Yes, I made a mistake not waiting for you to come back before I break up with you. But then you never came back. I was lost! Lost! I am lost! You've never told me again that you love me. I haven't heard a single fucking "I love you" since the day we broke up. You left me like that.
Brittany: You know, Santana, I'm actually a person with feelings. You can just ask things to be done your way. You have to acknowledge my feelings. You left me too, Santana. Do you remember that? And not just this time. Every fucking time you wanted to crawl back to your closet and hide there, you were leaving me, you were leaving me outside. And I was trying so hard to pull you out but you would just crawl back inside any chance given. You got to stop hiding, Santana. You got to stop 'cause I can't help you anymore. I'm almost thirty and I lost so many years being alone and miserable. It's either living or not for me now.
Santana: (With tears in her eyes now she reached and took Brittany's hands in hers) I want to be with you, Brittany. It's the only thing I've ever wanted. I've never wanted anything else just that. I don't want to go in there. I want you. I just want you.
Brittany: I've heard that before. You got to come to me then; by yourself. I'm not helping you anymore. I've helped you all the other times and the truth is that you never find your whole power, your whole self just because I was always there to catch you, to show you the way. I'm done with that.
Santana: (she was crying and shaking her hand) No… please…
Brittany: (She was crying to) I'll be at the end of the road Santana. If you want to be with me you got to walk the road alone. It's your own journey to finally discover yourself. The only thing I can promise you is that I will be at the end of the road either you reach the end now or when we are eighty years old. I will be waiting.
Santana: Why would you do that?
Brittany: Because there's no else for me too but you. And I'm in a position to know that for sure 'cause I traveled the world and met so many people but nothing changed this inside me. No matter what kind of life I met or lived, I would always long for a life with you.
Santana: I don't want to go there. I really don't. Let's get out of here.
Brittany: (She shook her head and cried even more) I can't do that. That would be me helping you to avoid a situation, to avoid a problem that needs to be solved by you. No, that is not the life I dreamed with you. I didn't dream our life running away from our problems. I want to face them. And I want you to face them too. Leaving a woman at the altar is coward. If you want to leave her, do it the right way. Face her and let her know how things are for you. Not like that. I don't deserve that. After so many years I deserve to have all of you, strong and sure about yourself. We've already run away so many times.
Santana: But I don't want to.
Brittany: Then do something.
Santana: What? I don't know what to do.
Brittany: (she smiled) You'll figure it out.
Santana: So are you going to leave me like that again?
Brittany: You don't listen to me, do you? I'm not leaving you. I'm just letting you go. Somehow I sense that you'll find you way once I let you go. You'll find your way back to me. I'm letting you go. I'm not leaving you. I will never leave you.
Brittany raised her hands and cupped Santana's cheeks. She tried to smile to give her some hope but the pain inside her was so unbearable. Because everything se said was true but watching Santana getting married would always be a death of her.
Santana was lost in her mixed feelings and her frustration. She couldn't yet understand Brittany's words. She huffed and stepped away from Brittany's touch.
Santana: Alright then. As you wish. (Even though she knew that was nothing Brittany wished, but she wanted to hurt her so much now that she didn't just accept to walk away with her) Let's go.
Brittany felt a sharp pain inside her. At some point she truly believed that Santana would go to the other room and break things off with Leslie. But that didn't happen. And her words would have to come true. She had to let her go.
They joined their hands tightly. And they blinked.
When Santana opened her eyes she found herself at the altar beside Leslie who was smiling at her sweetly.
When Brittany opened her eyes she found herself sitting between the Lopezes who were holding her hands tightly through their tears.
Santana was startled at the sudden view of Leslie. She couldn't remember how she got there. So she blinked again.
Brittany was startled that the sadness that she saw on the Lopezes. So she blinked again.
When the opened their eyes again they were in a big hall with people dancing around them and sense of joy crashing hard at them.