Author's Note: You're too proud to say that you make a mistake; you're a coward till the end. I don't want to admit that we're not gonna fit. No, I'm not the type that you like; why don't we just pretend?

Yes, AL, I did that for you. Happy now?

Day Sixty-Eight: Back to December by Taylor Swift

I just finished taking a sip of my espresso when I saw him in my peripheral vision. I put down the small cup immediately. I was eager to talk to him after all this time.

"Hello, Toby. How are you?" I inquired politely.

"Fine. How are you, Spencer?"

But I couldn't see his eyes and I knew he wasn't fine.

"I'm fine," I said weakly. "Um…how is your mother?" I hadn't seen Mrs. Cavanaugh around Rosewood at all since a few months ago. In fact, I could scarcely remember the last time I had seen either of his parents. "How is work?" I asked.

"It's been going well. I've been busy the last few months," he told me.

I nodded and I wanted to cry. Even though we were barely a foot away from each other, there couldn't have been more distance between the two of us. It was never this cold between us. And it hurt that much more because I knew why. I knew I was the one to hurt him the last time we saw each other.

I was crying as it rained outside. The sky was black and the pavement was glittering. It looked pretty, but all I could think about was how miserable I would be after this.

I don't know why I did it. I was mostly scared, I guess. I must've started noticing it when the cold crept in for the fall. Now the December wind was biting on my skin. I was too scared to love him, even though somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew he already fell for me.

"Spencer, wait!"

I shook my head sadly, still facing away from him. I looked up as the sky seemed to split from above. It began to pour. As I started sobbing, I dropped the bouquet of red roses he had given me. I was going to save them, but now I realized…what was the use? They would just die anyway.

"I'm…I'm sorry," I croaked out. It took a lot for me to admit it. I was always too proud and…almost arrogant to admit to guilt. "I'm really sorry for what I did to you. I know I can't fix it, but…" I trailed off.

I was about to go a step further and tell him that I missed him desperately. But I didn't.

I couldn't go to bed that night. I just kept thinking about that night and every other time I mistreated him. I didn't even say happy birthday to him a few months ago. Emily called me to remind me, but I was too sad and selfish to pick up the phone.

I wondered what he was doing, if he thought of me, too.

And then I started to think of all the good times we had together. I remembered summer and how we could just spend hours driving without a care in the world. I was falling for him, though I hadn't realized it until a few months later.

Even recalling him smiling at me gave me butterflies. He was always so good to me and comforted me.

And I was so cold to him.

I tried hard to conceal the tears as I walked away. I had never felt so humiliated before, especially by my own family. But of course, they'd jump at the chance to humiliate me if it meant keeping the reputation of Melissa intact.

"Spencer, wait!"

I just sniffled and continued to walk. I especially didn't want him to see me cry.

"Spencer," he said more quietly. He was catching up. I tried walking faster, but a few seconds later, his arms were around me. "What happened?"

"Just stop, Toby. I need to be alone," I answered weakly.

He was almost surprised to see me so upset. "You don't have to put up a wall with me, Spence. I love you, even when you're crying. And I know you're not perfect. But you're perfect to me," he offered.

I looked up at him and tried to smile, but it was hard. So instead, he just pulled me back into his embrace and tried to console me.

Those very thoughts roused me from this half-sleeping state I was in. I knew I had to say what I was too proud to say earlier.

I knocked very quietly on the door. It brought back a lot of memories.

After waiting about three minutes for any response, I was about to turn around and go home, sure it was over for good.

But just as I was about to leave, I heard shuffling behind the door, like someone taking the chain off the door.

I looked down self-consciously. Now that I was about to see him face-to-face again, what was I going to say?

The door opened and he looked surprised to see me. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I just…I didn't say half of the things I needed to say earlier when we met. I didn't tell you…" I hesitated. But I knew if I didn't say everything now, I never would. And if I never did…all of my wishful thinking and mindless dreaming was in vain. I knew it probably was mindless dreaming, but there was always hope. "I didn't tell you about how horrible these last months have been. And I know how selfish and horrible and awful I am for telling you all of this now. I know you've probably moved on and this is pointless, but…I need to tell you all of these things. I…I did love you. And I wish I realized that when we were together. Well, I…I did realize that, but I was too scared to tell you how I felt. And I didn't realize that you were mine. And I just wanted to tell you…those were the best months I can remember…maybe in my life. If I could go back and tell you everything I'm saying right now, I'd do it, but…I can't. Sometimes I go back and change it in my own memory and think 'What if', but I know there's no point. But I don't think I could go another day without telling you all of this."

I peered at the clock inside his apartment.

"And I'm sorry I woke you up at three in the morning to tell you about how stupid I am, but I just needed to say it," I explained quietly.

I was about to turn and leave, but before I could, he said, "Well, what would you say if I told you I had moved on?"

I sighed. I could feel this deep, dull pain in my chest. "I guess I would say…I'm happy for you."

"But you're not."

I was silent before I shook my head. "No."

He nodded. "What would you say if I told you…that I still had feelings for you? And that…I still love you?"

I tried not to get my hopes up. But it didn't stop me from feeling butterflies in my stomach. "I swear I'd be better to you. And…I'd never let you go."

He thought about that. "I don't think I've gotten over you," he confessed quietly.

"Really?" To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

"And you really hurt me, Spencer. I still don't understand why."

That also broke my heart. "I honestly don't know why, either. I was too scared to admit that I love you, I guess. I've always been kind of scared of being in love," I admitted. "But I'm not anymore."

Eh, it was better than I expected.

spobylover1237: Thank you! And ha ha, no, I am definitely not that great. Trust me, some of the stuff I write is really terrible. But thank you for the support. I wanted to know because I'm writing a book I'd like to publish sometime in the not-so distant future.

eveningshades1107: I don't get why everyone is so concerned with who someone would like to sleep with. Like, really? Is it any of your business how many people one person has slept with (well, I guess it is some of your business if you happen to be sleeping with them)? I don't think so. It goes hand-in-hand with homophobia. And also, I don't get why it's such a double standard; a guy talks about how many girls he's slept with and he gets a high five and pat on the back, but if a girl's number is more than like five or something, she gets shamed and called a slut and a skank or whatever. It's so stupid.

tobyequalshottness: Eh, I guess I wasn't feeling happy that day. Oh, I know I wasn't. I had to go back to school the next day (which really sucked) and there was no explicit happy ending, so I was like "Whatever." I get really lazy.

MizzIsTheFizz:Glad you liked it. Yeah, apparently Mackenzie (and Maddie) take singing lessons at the studio (not sure how legit that is, but whatever) and now Mackenzie is making an album. You know, how convenient after Brooke released an album. I kind of feel like Abby is doing it to spite Brooke, because why does a nine year-old need to release an album? Oh, and it gets better! Apparently, now Payton is making an album! This just gets better and better! You're dating? Whaaaat? And aren't you thirteen? Okay, I'll stop trying to act like a prude, but still whaaaat. I don't get any prompts ever :(

AL3110: I still have no clue what you are talking about. And didn't Troian sing a song called "Skinny Love"? Idk, that's what I thought of when you said it. Wait...with what? Because I've never heard either of those songs and I didn't read TFIOS yet.

FabsirellaPrincessOfPopcornia:Thanks :)

The next one, which I am extremely excited about, is the next one. I will be using The Violet Hour by The Civil Wars as my muse, and that's great. I highly suggest you listen to the song and then read the one-shot. It's much more dynamic that way. I really used the composition of the song as my idea (since it's instrumental). And it's just a beautiful song you should definitely give a listen. And then see if you could picture it all.

No, really. If you don't listen to it, at least tell me, okay?

And I'm tired and I want to go to bed but it's only like nine and if I go to bed now, I'll be really tired in the morning. I don't know what I'm saying. I wished today was Friday. And also, gross and kind of TMI, but I have a sty on my eye and it's very painful and icky-looking and painful. I don't like it. How does it go away? My grandma said to put a tea bag on it, but...hmm...idk. My mom said to heat up a jalapeño pepper and put it on the sty, but I don't think I have one. Boo, this sucks. -Kayson