*I do not own Sons of Anarchy, Kurt Sutter, unfortunately does.
A/N So I think it is safe to say that it has been awhile. It is incredibly hard to be inspired to write about a couple that ended so tragically and unnecessarily. The show is missing the richness of the dynamic between Jax and Tara, and it is hard to watch when there is literally zero redeeming qualities about this man and world anymore. But I have convinced myself that the best way to make myself feel better and alleviate what I am considering a great injustice, is to keep this couple alive in my world and portray their character to the best of my abilities. I have decided to continue work on my other story, and hopefully they both will be better than before. Thanks so much for anyone who has stuck around for all this time, and any advice, tips, suggestions, ideas, or constructive criticism is always appreciated. I hope you enjoy.
Trouble in Paradise
Ryanna P.O.V
After hanging up with my dad, I shoot Tommy a quick text to let him know about the incoming bogey and to warn him to be prepared for anything. From the moment I woke up this morning, nothing has made sense. Mom would never just leave Dad out of the blue, but she did. It has to be more than just an argument because honestly those two fight all the time. The only thing that could really be the root of our current displacement, is the one thing that I pray to every god available is not the case, my father would not have cheated on my mother…
Even as I am denying this, I know that it must be true. Mom has always taught me to never let a man disrespect you. Never let them hit you, never let them treat you like dirt, and never let them lie with another woman. I know my father has cheated on my mother before, but it was way before I was even born and everyone talks about how loyal my father is to Mom now. If he is capable of cheating on her like this, after all this time, I don't even know that I can look at him the same.
From the distance, my well-trained ears pick up on the sounds of motorcycles approaching our drive, and I know my mom has heard them as well if the cursing is anything to judge by. Even still, I remain seated, measuring out the sounds of their heavy footfalls making their way to the door, seated even as I hear the tentative knock on the front door. I just can't shake the ominous feeling that my entire life is about to change, and that scares the shit out of me. In the background, I can hear Tommy yelling to Mom that he's got the door, and I can just barely make out the cut of his figure as he rushes to the door, throwing it open and greeting our father. Shaking my head and scooting back from the table, I say one more quick prayer, "Dear God, please don't let my family fall apart. Amen. "
Tara P.O.V
I could hear the motorcycles coming, after all these years I could even tell which bike belonged to which biker, but I didn't need to rely on my body to let me know who was knocking on my door. Abel would be there, eager to see his siblings and myself. He would be concerned and hesitant because he already knows why I left, and I'm sure he thinks a part of me is pissed at him as well. Happy would be there as well, loyal to his president and club, but fighting his loyalty to me. An unnecessary struggle because at the end of the day, despite how close we are, Happy is always and will always be a club man. And of course, he would be there front and center, Jackson Nathaniel Teller, a king among his court of leather bound knights.
The conversation will be all too familiar, he'll act sorry and repentant until he realizes that I'm not buying into his bullshit. Then, he will tell me how much he loves me. Confident that an "I love you, so much babe," will repair the damage he has once again brought upon me. We have been down this road before…I shake my head in disbelief, anger swelling through my veins at the prospect of seeing him. Getting out of bed and walking over to the mirror atop the dresser, I look at my reflection, and honest to God if I don't look like a woman scorned.
Walking quickly to the bathroom, I turn on the faucet and proceed to wash my face off quickly, seeing the black remnants of mascara swirl down the drain as if I were exorcising my demons. I don't rush through my time, knowing Jax wouldn't dare come to me without some sign that I was ready to see him. Glancing over my appearance and noting the improvement I suddenly feel that I am ready. Armored with the knowledge that I could not be swayed by false pretenses and poetic declarations, confidence surges through my countenance and I am standing taller than I have since I was sent those fucking pictures. Sucking in a deep breath, I leave the safety of the bathroom and head into the kitchen where I am sure everyone is waiting. Turning down the hallway, my assumptions are confirmed when I am suddenly face to face with the most important people in my life. Jax is sitting at the head of the table, Happy at his right and Abel on his left with the remaining seats filled haphazardly by Tommy and Ryanna. The voices, though not loud to begin with, quieted to a deafening silence as all eyes in the room turned to look at me. After a quick cursory glance to make sure that Abel and Happy were indeed unharmed, my eyes locked with his and I was gone.
Tunnel vision is what they call it, when you can only see one thing in your line of sight. All I could see was Jackson Teller, falling into the depths of eyes usually guarded, I knew that this was his way of letting me know the sincerity of his regret. When a man who is capable of great and terrible violence allows you into his heart, it oftentimes becomes unthinkable to deny him in those fleeting moments. As difficult as it is to shut off the parts of me that love him so inexplicably, I refuse to stand there and be wooed back into some sense of complacency. And so I close my eyes, take a moment, and re-open them with every intention of protecting myself against the emotional onslaught. Taking stock of the situation I see that everyone is frozen in their seats, their eyes unable to tear away from the train wreck that is my relationship. Thinking to prevent the inevitable if only for a moment longer, I turn towards Abel and call him to me. He gets up hesitantly, as if afraid of what I will do, and approaches me solemnly. Had even an ounce of me been angry at Abel for not stopping his idiot father, I would have absolved him of any sins in that moment. It killed me to see my son afraid of me, of what I would do, and so when he stopped inches in front of me, looking every bit a man, it was all I could do to wrap my arms around his waist and hold on tight. His arms wrapped around my back in seconds and I wasn't holding a grown man, but my baby boy again. Leaning my head into his neck, I whisper "I love you," and close my eyes for a moment when he whispers the same.
After a while, I untangled myself from Abel and walked around the other side of the table, grasping the shoulders of my other babies along the way. Stopping in front of the man who had become like a brother to me, we looked at each other expressing more without words than we ever could have done with them. Split seconds later he was out of his chair and hugging me briefly before herding my children out of the kitchen. We would have time to talk later, but I needed to address Jax before I ran out of my courage and just fell apart completely. It was much easier to play strong when my every nerve wasn't on fire with the awareness that the love of my life was only feet away, and yet he had never felt so far away. It was as if I was looking at a doppelganger, someone who looked exactly like my husband, but who held none of the same characteristics that made him uniquely him. Sitting in the seat that Happy just vacated, I couldn't speak. My mind was racing a mile a minute trying to reconcile the man across from me with the man from those gruesome photos and shit just wasn't adding up anymore.
Opening my mouth to speak, I found that no words would form. The anger that had nourished me for days was mysteriously absent once in the presence of Jax, and nothing that I had planned to say seemed right anymore. So, I was quiet. He was quiet. Everything was quiet. It seemed as if the universe knew that this moment was so pivotal that it could ill afford any distractions, and so it silenced the world. Just as I thought that we would be stuck in this endless, deafening limbo, he finally spoke. At first it was just my name, "Tara," he said softly. I knew he was trying to get me look at him, but I found that it was easier to stare at the chip in the upper left-hand corner of the table than to turn towards his voice. In these moments, I truly despised myself, despised how weak I had become in his presence, how my voice was reduced to nothing.
Jax P.O.V
The minute Tara appeared in the doorway, all our conservations ceased. Every eye in the room was drawn to her, and as she made her rounds greeting Abel and Happy and confirming that they came back to her in the condition they left, I found that I physically couldn't stop staring at her. Even if I hadn't already known that she found out about my cheating, it would be glaringly obvious that she was pissed to high hell at me. Her spine is ramrod straight and all her generally warm, comforting habits seemed racked with tension. I become aware that the kids have filed out of the room with Happy acting as shepherd, and I watch as Tara sits in Happy's vacant seat. She won't look at me again. "Tara," I call softly, repeatedly. I know that she can hear me, and yet she keeps herself closed off from me. "Tara, please just acknowledge me here babe." I am pleading. Desperate. Scared. She scoffs and finally looks up at me, her eyes guarded, hiding the parts of her that I need to see.
"You know," I said somewhat stupidly, but I'm at a loss as to how to even start this conversation. Tara stares at me blankly for a moment before reaching into her pants pocket and pulling out her cellphone. She fumbles around with it before finding what she was looking for, and then with a withering glare she slides it toward me, crossing her arms in front of her chest when it has been delivered. We are silent for heartbeat, then as I look down at the phone screen and see the incriminating photos, she speaks to me for the first time. The only thing she has to say to me as I look down at the fucked up evidence of my fucked up betrayal is, "Yeah, I guess I know." Sliding my eyes from the phone and back to Tara's stone cold face I am suddenly struck with this gut wrenching uneasiness, I don't know how we can come back from this, what if she can't forgive me?