"So," John began, "is there anything you want to tell me"?
"It hardly matters what or if I want to tell you anything, you're going to ask anyway," Sherlock said, still hiding his face behind the mug. "So just go ahead."
"Why did you leave the wedding early?" John asked, surprising Sherlock and even himself.
"Out of everything that I said yesterday, you want to know why I left your wedding early?" Sherlock questioned, feeling for once, that repetition was not as dull as he usually deemed it.
"Yes, because I don't understand," John replied, his voice laced with emotion.
Sherlock scoffed.
"Don't take the piss, Sherlock, I'm being serious. One minute you're talking to me and Mary, and the next you're gone.
"Well, all my duties as best man had been fulfilled, you had no need for me there."
"Yes, I did! You're my best man, Sherlock. My best friend."
Sherlock was trying hard to reign in his emotions but it was difficult with John trying to tear at the walls he had put up. He didn't want to tell John how lonely he'd been feeling lately. He didn't want to tell him how sad it had made him to not be able to dance at his best friend's wedding. He didn't want to tell him that he had left early in fear someone would notice his loneliness and do nothing about it. "You have Mary now… and the baby, you're hardly going to need me."
John pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. He forgot sometimes just how vulnerable Sherlock could be, especially when it came to relationships, of any kind. Behind the rough exterior laced with genius and insults was a man who just wanted a companion. "This child and Mary are not going to replace you," John said encouragingly. "Where is this coming from?"
Sherlock remained silent and avoided looking at John. He knew that, as much as he didn't want to, if he opened his mouth he would tell John everything.
"Sherlock, talk to me," John encouraged as he put his hand lightly on Sherlock's knee.
"There is nothing to say, John," he replied irritably.
"The hell there isn't!" John snapped. "You can't expect me to believe there's nothing wrong when last night you came home and got drunk."
"Plenty of people get drunk, John. You know that better than most, it's no big deal," Sherlock said, wincing at his own words. He knew that any mention of Harry, no matter how subtle, was a low blow, but he was starting to get defensive.
John's hand slipped off Sherlock's knee and clenched into a fist. He knew why Sherlock had said that, but it didn't make it any less upsetting. But he trudged on, knowing that the detective's reaction meant John was getting closer to finding out the real reason behind everything. "It's a big deal when you think you're hallucinating. And you act perfectly normal about it and then…," he gulped in another breath before continuing, "and then you tell me all the stuff that happened while you were away."
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Spare me the sentiment, John," he replied harshly. He could no longer control the words coming out of his mouth. All he wanted was to tell John everything that had happened and everything he was feeling, but a part of him would not let him. And that part clearly thought that the only way to avoid telling John everything was to be as horrible and unpleasant as possible.
"The second I came back you were at my throat, literally I might add, and you refused to speak to me. At least until your pride prevented you from ignoring me further because I pulled you out of that fire. Even then you questioned what I'd done while I was away. What exactly did you think I was doing, John?" Sherlock's voice had grown louder and louder with each word. All the pent up emotions were pouring out and there was no stopping them.
John was shocked at the outburst. He'd never seen Sherlock like this before. To others he would have seemed angry, but John knew him better than anyone, and he wasn't angry. Sherlock Holmes was hurt.
The detective stood up suddenly, took off his dressing gown and pulled his t-shirt up. "This is what I was doing," he said, showing John the scars that littered his back. "I was captured, and questioned, and tortured, and starved and you know what for? For you. For you, and Mrs Hudson, and Lestrade. Because you're three of the very, very few people in this world who tolerate me- maybe even like me. And because if I hadn't jumped and left and chased Moriarty's network all across the globe you would all be dead by now. And I was never going to let that happen. Ever."
John stared at Sherlock, frozen in place. He couldn't stop imagining all the things his friend had been through, couldn't stop imaging what it would take to leave scars like that after such a long time.
He shuddered.
Sherlock went on.
"I couldn't let anything happen to any of you so I did what I had to to keep going. I couldn't think about the fact that you would be disappointed in me because I relapsed. I couldn't think about the fact that the overdose meant another mess for Mycroft to take care of. Or that you were here alone. Or that I was alone. Or," his voice cracked, his emotions finally getting the better of him. "I couldn't think that I'd given in to the biggest disadvantage I could think of."
Before he even had a chance to process everything Sherlock had just said John asked, "What disadvantage?"
"Love," Sherlock replied softly. "As much as I've tried to distance myself from people and from emotion there have been a very select few which I have been unable to distance myself from. The few people who accept me for who I am and don't try to fix me. I couldn't let anything happen to any of you, no matter what the cost."
John's mouth had fallen open at Sherlock's admission, never having expected to hear something like that come out of his best friend's mouth. He was left frozen and speechless.
The lack of response was too much for Sherlock, who was buzzing with uncertainty and fear. He was so angry at himself for having said everything, for having done exactly what he hadn't wanted to. John's stillness was the last straw.
He raced across the flat and fled to his bedroom, slamming the door shut and leaving a stunned John in his wake.