Author's Note: Words, words, words. Gotta go!

Day Seventy-Six: Unapologize by Carrie Underwood

I rested my chin on my knees. I wanted to die of humiliation.

Just now, as I had spilled my guts to my best friend, Aria, I realized how much of an idiot I was.

"Spencer—"

"I'm so stupid."

Aria looked at me gently. But I could tell. Her huge doe eyes were the windows to her every thought.

"How could I tell a guy I've never even been on a date with that I love him? Fucking love him, Aria!" I exclaimed before burying my head in my knees. "But I couldn't stop it. It all just happened. It just spilled out of my mouth. I—"

"Spencer!" she exclaimed finally. "You need to calm down! Why are you freaking out?"

"Have you listened to even half of what I just said, Aria?"

"Yeah, but he kissed you. Are you forgetting that?"

"It was one kiss. And I freaked out over it and made a fool of myself," I concluded bitterly. "And then I said I was sorry," I added with a whisper.

"But you told him the truth. Okay? The truth. You shouldn't be holding it all in or pretending you don't feel anything when you do. You do. And you don't have the time to just pretend you don't. None of us do. Life is too short. You said what you meant and lied and said you were sorry. You told the truth and took it back with a lie. And why?"

I paused. "It was one little white lie, Aria."

"White lies are lies that don't hurt anyone, like saying, 'Hey, that shirt looks totally normal and not weird on you, Aria.' This is not a white lie. You're hurting."

"I don't care, Aria!"

"Yes, you do."

I hated that she was right. A small part of me wanted to deny it, but I knew it was true. I shouldn't have said sorry. I wasn't sorry.

But I got caught up in the moment! Maybe I didn't really mean what I had said to him. Maybe…I just said it in the heat of the moment.

"People say things they don't mean all the time," Aria continued, "but last night, you meant what you said. But you worried he wouldn't feel the same. So you said sorry. Maybe you really couldn't help yourself, but those weren't fake feelings."

I bit my lip. Aria sighed before going back into the cabin where everyone was.

"Hey, Spence?"

I turned around to see Hanna standing there. I only just realized how dark it had gotten. How long was I outside?

"Aria told me all about what happened. Me and…Toby. He wants to talk to you," she said with a slight look of concern.

I hated Aria in that instant for telling him. Then again, if she only told Hanna, Hanna surely would've told Caleb, who probably would've said it to Toby, anyway.

I had to turn around after that. I heard footsteps behind me.

All I could think was that I was about to die.

"Spencer?"

I couldn't bring myself to say anything to him.

"Don't be pissed at Aria. If anything, you should be pissed at me. I mean…you spilled your heart out to me last night and I couldn't even say anything in response. That was a pretty…insensitive thing for me to do," he told me.

I still couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, even. Even if I did feel like speaking.

"And if that's how you feel…you shouldn't have to fight it. I'm sorry for making you feel like you couldn't tell me," he said softly. He gulped. "We could pretend it never happened, if that's what you really want." Even he seemed uncertain about it. "Please, say something. Anything," he pleaded.

"I take it back. I'm not sorry for the kiss." I still couldn't bring myself to look at him, but I said it evenly and firmly.

I took a deep breath and finally looked at him. I felt my heart stop for a second when I saw how blue his eyes were. Today, they looked like turquoise stones Melissa brought back once from a school field trip. I was five when it happened, and I thought it was the prettiest color in the world.

"I meant everything. And we can't pretend I never said any of that stuff; you heard me and you can't unhear it. And…I won't take it back," I said. "I unapologize."

A small whisper of a smile broke out on his face. "You know that's not a word, right?"

I sighed with a small laugh. I felt a bit relieved that things seemed to be…relatively normal. "Shut up, Cavanaugh! We were having a moment."

It was quiet and…calm for a moment. But I had to address the elephant in the room.

"What does this mean?" I inquired quietly.

He shrugged. He was looking at the stars, too. "It can mean…whatever you want it to mean."

I wasn't sure whether to be touched or offended. "What does that mean?"

"It means…I love you enough…I guess as either a crush or a friend…to be with you or to let you go," he told me sincerely.

I thought about it for a moment. "Maybe…we're not ready to make that decision tonight. So will a hug suffice?" I asked.

He nodded with a small smile. This time when he hugged me, I just felt…peace. Not anxiety or nerves. Thank God.

MizzIsTheFizz: This one came out a lot better than I thought it would. To be totally honest, this song was not near the top of the list of my favourites (as far as the songs on the list for these one-shots are). But it actually came out pretty well. I don't think you need to have a Tumblr to even submit something on Tumblr (sometimes I get messages from people who don't even have a Tumblr).

AL3110:No, no, no. Jesus would not say that their dad is dead and I'm pretty sure that Lana said "God's dead; I said, baby that's alright with me." Doesn't make sense. She's the Queen (or the King). Oops. Is it bad I just read that you wrote so she just rides *on* Toby? Bad Kayson...Yeah, I heard the dialogue once and it's poetic in a very twisted way. Did I actually write that? Wow. #ClapsForKayson. That sounds like sheer brilliance. Which I do not have. Lol. Sure, write it. So long as you don't steal it. Well, give me credit.

Spobyforever259:Yeah, I have those days like...always. Like, I could actually take a day off from school and just write all day. I wouldn't mind. I would be so happy. I feel like Mrs. Hastings and Toby had that talk. We probably just never saw it. Mr. Hastings was probably more reluctant (even if he *is* in La-La Land like 95% of the time with his daughter), but I'm really glad they finally came around. They know the Spoby love is real. No, I'm cool with you spamming me. Some other people do it anyway, when they miss a one-shot *cough* Sarah *cough* and I totally don't mind. And yes, she is. I have less than 20 days of school left (and I don't even have bio every day; only 6/8 in the eight-day cycle my school runs on) and she's trying to teach us 3 whole units in that time and we've only covered like four in the entire year thus far. Thanks! And I liked the French, even if half of it was grammatically incorrect or whatever. But there's a girl in my class who speaks French and she said that the French didn't look too bad. That one (and the previous one, Ride) were probably my favourites this far.

LittleBittyAbby:I try to be as diverse as I can, but sometimes it's hard. So I'm trying to find songs that have stories in them themselves. That's why Taylor Swift songs are usually good; they tell a story in themselves (even though I really don't like New Taylor).

Sarah:Whoa, girl. Calm down. Just take a sip of Starbucks and take a deep breath. it's fine. Finals are so much more important than my story :) I have finals in like three or four weeks and I am NOT looking forward to it. I feel your pain.

eveningshades1107: It's rare I have both Sarahs back to back :) Yes, London is super-important. My future canon is that Spencer and Toby go tour around London and Paris and Madrid and like everywhere in Europe and are awesome and stuff. I can't explain. Sorry, I'm rushing. And actually, people in London are very sweet. NYC is the place where people are bound to cuss you out :) I love four-shots and Spemily and Sparia aren't that bad. Spanna is just superior in every way. No, I do not give myself compliments lightly. But the last one was actually good. So I take it you really liked that one?

So I was kind of pissed today. I don't know. Not to be conceited (because clearly by the amount of times I've shamed/disliked my own work, I'm not), but I like to think I'm a better writer than *most* of the kids in my class. Especially with essays. Like, my friend always gets B's and B+'s on his essays and I always get A-'s and A's (which is like unheard of in English). But today, everyone got almost a perfect score when they got their essay tests back and I...got lower than like everyone else. I was kind of mad. But you know...can't expect brilliance when you get like 15-20 minutes to write each essay...so...

I'm eating my cousin's brownie and it's actually good. Like...she's eight and she can already bake and paint nails and crap like...she's better at things and I'm seven years older than her...I feel like I fail at life. Oops.

And the next one is Starring Role by Marina and the Diamonds and before you get all excited...it isn't that good. I don't really have any time to rewrite it, so it's just going to have to suck on its own. Sorry, guys! -Kayson