It Takes Time

By: letired

Chapter 1

It was difficult to pinpoint exactly when Matsumoto thought she began developing feelings for her taichou. If she wanted to be honest, it could easily have been the first time she decided to tease him by burying his face in her heaving bosom, expecting a blushing and stuttering pre-adolescent. Instead, he had firmly extricated himself from her grasp with an irritated frown and little more than a dismissive, "I mean it, Matsumoto, stop goofing off and get back to work!" tossed over his shoulder as he returned to his own desk and papers. They had been working together for less than a year at that point when she'd finally felt comfortable enough to mess around with him like that, thinking he was still a kid at heart and was only so overly strict and serious in order to appear more adult in front of the other Shinigami. She had wanted to lighten him up a bit, to show him he could be himself at least around her. Instead, at that moment, she realized this was Hitsugaya Toshirou: serious, dedicated, and professional (and not the least bit intimidated by breasts). A real man who she could even be attracted to.

Of course, at that time, she had Gin. Or rather, even though a day didn't pass where she didn't sneak an appreciative peek at one guy or another, the only person she really thought about was Gin. It was sad, when she allowed herself to think about it; they had never been romantic with one another, but that smile and casual offer of friendship so long ago still shone out in her memories of an otherwise mostly dark and hazy childhood. To her, Gin meant happiness, Gin meant change, Gin meant no more loneliness. Just thinking his name made a strange tingling warmth spread through her and nestle reassuringly in her heart. People thought he was mean and sneaky or creepy at the least, but she knew him and his kindness. And that had been enough.

Or so she had thought. Before he'd turned traitor and cast aside everything she believed in, and had grown to love and cherish. Things she thought he had also loved and believed in. Worst of all, he did it in that easygoing way of his, as if it were an afterthought. Smiling. Never telling her. After the memory of meeting Gin for the first time, witnessing the confrontation between Gin and her furious taichou was her next most powerful memory. And a far less pleasant one. The earth-jarring clash of Hyourinmaru and Shinso and the resulting explosion of reikai had taken her breath away and left her empty. Even then, a part of her still couldn't believe that Gin could be in the wrong, but then she heard him mocking Hitsugaya, and she knew that something was different. Gin was an enemy now.

After that, it hadn't been hard for her to act. And when she saw Gin attack the unconscious Hinamori, her hand did not falter in the slightest as she met Shinso with Haineko. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice was close to sobbing, Why Gin? I can't fight him, but it was distant and one she could not indulge. She was the 10th division fukutaichou, and she would do her duty.

It was when Gin had left with Aizen and Tousen and things had settled down as much as they could under the circumstances that Matsumoto allowed herself to break a little. She cried all night, then drank all of the following night…and the next night, and the night after that. She probably would have remained in that state of pathos longer had it actually not been for Hitsugaya. A part of her had originally resented him, first illogically blaming him for initiating the investigation and fights, somehow imagining that if Hitsugaya-taichou had not accused and attacked Gin, the latter would never have turned. Next, she resented him for having saved Momo. Sure, the girl was unconscious and injured, but she was still in Seireitei; he had successfully protected the one he loved. Either way, the anger did help keep away the despair.

More than that, however, Hitsugaya helped by being himself. He continued to perform his duties unerringly. He never brought up Hinamori and, as far as she knew, he never allowed himself to become affected with thoughts of her. No drunken bouts of self-pity, no crying, no wallowing of any sorts. And she knew how much Momo meant to her taichou. She had no doubt somewhere inside he too was suffering and vulnerable. And it was this thought, this knowledge that brought her back to reality. She was his fukutaichou, it was her duty to support and protect him. Mature beyond his years or no, she was still older, she should be watching over him, caring for him like an oneesan would. What sort of a fukutaichou was she if she started bringing down her superior? It was the only time in her life Matsumoto was actually a little embarrassed at her own drinking and wondered if Hitsugaya knew how she was spending her evenings.

So she cut back on the drinking, only doing it for social and celebratory occasions. The sudden tears or miserable thoughts she couldn't do much about, but she assumed (and told herself fiercely) that they would get better over time. Which they did. Strangely enough, Hitsugaya seemed to have a pretty good understanding of how exactly she was feeling, perhaps because he was experiencing similar feelings himself. Matsumoto could have been deluding herself, but during the initial aftermath, she thought the taichou yelled at her less for coming in late and napping on the couch. Several times he told her to just take the day off. She looked for sympathy or pity in his face, but the most she could detect was concern and that, she couldn't even tell if it was meant for her or the amount of paperwork to be done.

Finally, one day, when she was feeling more like herself, she strolled in, about an hour late, to do some work, but actually just wandered aimlessly about in the office. "You know, taichou," she finally said when Hitsugaya merely continued perusing some documents, "we really should get more pictures to hang on the walls. This office isn't cute at all! Ah, I know! I can go shopping for some cute portraits! Maybe some drawings of flowers in this corner, and oh! I know a place with pictures of puppies--"

"Before you worry about that, do your paperwork, Matsumoto."

"Ahh that's no good, taichou. I only woke up, I can't get started on work right away."

An exasperated sigh, but he didn't push the issue further. Normally, Matsumoto would have cackled internally with glee, then sprinted out the door for some shopping, but today, she wanted to see exactly where her taichou's generosity was coming from and how long it would last. "Ne, Hitsugaya-taichou…"

"What, Matsumoto?"

"…want to come shopping with me?"

"No."

"Why not? It'll be fun! Ah, we can shop for clothes too!"

"Absolutely not."

"But taichouuu…"

"Can't you see I'm busy? If you really want to go, then go!" Irritation was present in his voice now. She only had to push a little more…

"Taichou, you look like you need a break too. Geez, just look at all the papers on your desk!"

"…the reason I have so many is because you never do any of the work here!!" He finally looked up to where she was sitting sideways on his desk, leaning forward with her breasts hanging amply at his face level. Even though he was never impressed by the breast-squishing, Matsumoto still enjoyed it, and she decided this was the perfect opportunity for a bit of fun.

"Aww taichou, don't be mad!!"

"Mmpf!!" He quickly wriggled out of her arms and stood up, knocking over his chair in the process.

"Stop that!"

"You're so cruel, taichou! A lot of men would love to be in your position!"

"I don't care! Go find those men, then! I don't have the slightest interest in your oversized breasts!!"

He was so cute sometimes, she couldn't help thinking, taking in his face flushed from shouting, the snowy-white hair, the way his few bangs curled above his eyes. His eyes, though, were never cute. They were definitely something more. Heavy lidded eyes that shone with a clear brilliant shade of green that never wavered. She avoided looking directly in those eyes too often because they were always so sobering. But it was too late this time, and she heard her laughter die down and realized she was now looking down distantly at his desk.

"Taichou…you've been a lot nicer to me these last few days." When no response came, she continued, idly tracing one index finger across the desk's wooden surface. "You were really going to let me go shopping today, weren't you?"

More silence. Finally, "You're of no use here if you're not going to do your job. I'd rather you go elsewhere where you won't bother me." His voice was resigned, but light, with no rebuke.

"But you always pushed me before. You wouldn't let up until I sat down and did something. Why did you stop?"

He had turned his head, looking fixedly away from her and at the doorway. "You did well during the Aizen incident. I figured you deserved some rest." He paused ever so faintly, as if to take a breath. "It's been difficult for everyone, and I know you were close to Ichimaru Gin." The way he said it so carefully conversationally, he could have been telling her not to spend so much of their budget buying new clothes. Somehow, it made talking that much easier.

"Yes. He was my best friend. I thought we'd stay that way forever...I never thought he would do something like this." She slid off the desk and plopped heavily down onto the couch. She was still looking down, now into her lap. A strangely comfortable silence stretched out between the two of them and somehow eventually her melancholy dissipated once again. "Ah! But I know it's not just me. Kira misses Gin too, and Shuuhei was pretty upset about Tousen, and Hinamori—ah!" She stopped not entirely in time.

She expected Hitsugaya to maybe clam up, maybe walk away to start up his paperwork again, or even to yell at her about bringing up Hinamori. Once again he surprised her by merely closing his eyes and sighing. "Yes, she'll miss Aizen whenever she wakes up."

"You…you can't be happy about that, taichou."

"No, who would be? But things are what they are. Wishing they were somehow different doesn't change a thing. Besides," he said, opening his eyes again, "this isn't over. Aizen is still out there with the Hougyoku, doing who knows what. We have to be ready to fight. For those who cannot."

And that's why you keep going, Matsumoto thought, realization and admiration hitting her. Not out of duty or pride, but because you can see the big picture of all this. And you, me, we're all just a tiny part of it, we're not important. What's important is to protect this world. And you've always seen and remembered this.

Hitsugaya must have seen some sort of understanding in her eyes. He straightened up a little, bent to pick up his chair, then sat back down, pen in hand. "Well then, Matsumoto, are you going to do some work or not?" He looked straight into her eyes. This time, she looked straight back and smiled.

"Mm. I think I can do some now."