After fourth hour the following day, Ludwig didn't show up at Feliciano's classroom. He was sure he didn't simply miss him, Feliciano made sure to look around several times. He even waited for a few moments, giving up after a full minute had passed. This was the first time since they'd met that Ludwig didn't show up immediately. Feliciano began to get nervous. The reason Ludwig walked him to class was for protection, so having him not there made him feel as if he was walking to his death.
What could happen in five minutes? Thought Feliciano, glancing around with ever-present paranoia as he made his way to his next class. Nothing had happened to him in a little over a week. That was a record-long streak he didn't want to break.
Two minutes into the passing period had passed and everything was fine, so far. Feliciano could feel himself growing faint from the anxiety. It didn't seem fair. Was being able to walk around without fear some kind of unobtainable luxury? Where was Ludwig, was he mad at him? Even worse, had something happened to him? The thoughts buzzed in this mind like mosquitos, refusing to leave him alone.
Feliciano adjusted the position of his arms in the struggle to hold all of his books. He had skipped going to his locker, bad things always seem to happen at his locker. But these books were so heavy, why on earth did they have to be so heavy? He looked down at them, lost in his own personal gripes. He only looked up when he felt himself run into something.
"Watch where you're going, idiot!" A voice exclaimed. That something had turned out to be a someone; a very large, angry looking someone.
Feliciano took a step back and nearly lost his footing. "Oh! Sorry, I was just-"
His apology was cut off when the person slammed his hand into his books, knocking them out of Feliciano's arms and onto the floor. This unexpected force caused Feliciano himself to fall down with them. There was a burst of laughter. Feliciano turned scarlet and his heartbeat filled his ears. He gathered his books up as quickly as possible and dropped a few again in the process.
All of the eyes on his felt like laser beams that ridiculed his every move. A series of insults from various people were slung at him like knifes. He flinched when someone in the slowly growing crowd around him hit him with a wadded up paper. Anxiety and humiliation rose in his chest as tears threatened to spill out of his eyes. Taking great care not to lose his grip on the books again, he quickly got up and ran to his classroom. The laughter continued on behind him.
As naïve as it probably was, Feliciano was really starting to believe that all of this was behind him. Even though the incident was not as ugly as it could have been, it served as a rude awakening for a couple of things. One, without Ludwig there to protect him he was powerless; and two, he still walked around with a target on his back. He couldn't decide which of the two upset him more. Feliciano laid his head on his desk in defeat. He made a mental note not to tell Ludwig about this.
He spent the rest of the class period lying on his desk, barely moving and not even really thinking. He knew it was unreasonable to expect Ludwig to be there for him all the time, but he couldn't help but wonder where he was. Feliciano hoped he hadn't somehow angered him. That was the last thing he needed. At least it was time for lunch soon, which was something he could take comfort in. He left the classroom the second the bell rang and was only half-surprised when he smacked right into Ludwig.
"Feliciano, I apologize. I was finishing a test and couldn't get to you on time. Did anything happen?"
"Nope! Nothing!" Feliciano said, smiling. Maybe he was getting better at lying, he had been doing it a lot lately.
Ludwig looked at him suspiciously, but appeared to shrug it off. "Alright. Are you ready for lunch?"
Instead of responding Feliciano grasped Ludwig's hand. He craved the contact more than anything. Ludwig looked at him as if he had grown a second head. "We're in school, Feliciano. Aren't you worried?" He whispered quickly as they fast-walked away from the crowd.
"No, Ludwig. I'm not worried." He said. "What more could they possibly do to me?" He gripped his hand tighter, not caring what the consequences might be. He felt manic, impulsive. If he was going to get beaten or harassed anyway, he was sure as hell going to make it worth the pain.
They hurried out of the crowd. If anyone was staring, Feliciano didn't care. They slipped out the back entrance not far from the classroom. Finally, they were alone. His emotions completely taking over, Feliciano stood on the balls of his feet and kissed him. He didn't care that they were inches away from the school.
"What are you doing?" Ludwig exclaimed, taking a step back.
His words stung. Feliciano's burst of confidence fading; he dropped his head and looked at the ground. Ludwig grabbed his forearm and pulled him gently away from the building until they had made their way to their usual spot.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Feliciano. But you must realize we're at school, this kind of thing can be dangerous." He said, looking at him apologetically.
"Why can no one do anything around here?" Exclaimed Feliciano, throwing his arms in the air. "It's like a prison or something!"
Feliciano was feeling something he rarely ever felt. His blood boiled as his heart rate sped up to an unpleasant pace. His face was flushed, his jaw clenched uncomfortably. He was sick of this, sick of everything. Walking around in constant fear wasn't anyway to live. Feliciano sighed and willed himself to calm down. Ludwig could only watch in horror. Then, Feliciano broke. He threw his arms around Ludwig and pulled him close with shaking breath.
"What's wrong, Feli?" asked Ludwig gently. "What brought all of this on?"
Feliciano took a deep breath. "I'm just tired. Very, very tired."
Ludwig looked at him with suspicion. His suspicion soon turned to obvious worry as he looked at Feliciano, who was holding onto him like his life depended on it. He placed his hand on his head and ruffled his hair.
"Everything is okay. I'm here." Ludwig said. A million questions sat evidently behind his eyes, but he didn't say anything. "Let's sit. You'll feel better if you eat something." He continued.
Feliciano broke the embrace reluctantly and lowered himself to the ground. He tried to tell himself everything was okay, but deep down he knew that it really wasn't. After a couple minutes of eating in silence, he decided to speak up.
"What did you do when people were picking on you?" He asked as he played with the grass. "Like, how did you deal with it?"
Ludwig stopped eating and sat still as a stone, eyes fixed on something in the distance. His jaw clenched in the unmistakable way. "I told myself that it wasn't going to be forever." He said. "I also focused on the things that were going right in my life instead of all the things that were going wrong."
Feliciano nodded. That was what he did; it only made sense. "Did you ever fight back?" He asked.
Ludwig shook his head. "No. Well, that isn't completely true. I did fight back. Once." The corner of his mouth twitched ever so slightly.
"What happened?"
"Remember when I told you I once had a concussion?"
Feliciano's stomach tightened. That wasn't a pleasant mental image. He felt a sudden wave of guilt, feeling badly that he brought up the sensitive subject. He ripped a handful of grass from the ground and let it fall to keep his hands busy. The grass was soon replaced by Ludwig's hand grasping his.
"Don't worry about it. The past is the past." He squeezed Feliciano's hand once. Then he sighed, still staring into the distance. "Besides, in the end it brought me to you."
Feliciano was hit with the sudden realization and the rest of the world fell away. The air around him froze. His mind filled with flashbacks as he considered the notion. Was that really true? If it wasn't for Ludwig having being bullied, would he not of stopped to help that day? If Feliciano hadn't been jumped, would he never have met him at all? The possibility was mind-boggling. All of that pain and suffering could have been the very things that lead to his happiness. For the first time in what felt like forever, Feliciano smiled.
"Maybe sometimes the most beautiful things come from a tragedy." Feliciano was shocked as soon as the words left his mouth. It sounded like something out of a poem.
Ludwig chuckled slightly and grinned. "You're right, Feli." He said. "You are absolutely right."
Feliciano leaned against Ludwig and rested his head on his shoulder. When he was with him, nothing else seemed to matter. Everything simply fell into place and his worries felt irrelevant. Ludwig had become his rock to hold onto when he was being swept away be the current. He was someone he could always count on being there.
"Te amo, Ludwig." He said with a sigh.
"Ich Liebe Dich, Feliciano."
Somehow, they understood each other.
Near the end of lunch, Ludwig broke the comfortable silence. "Would you like to come over today after class?" He asked.
Feliciano nodded immediately. "Yes, of course! Any reason why?"
"I would like to spend time with you." He said with a shrug. "Plus, Gilbert keeps bugging me about when you're going to come over again. He seems to really like you."
A bubbling feeling a joy rose in Feliciano's chest. The fact that Gilbert liked him already was a terrific sign. Heaven forbid Ludwig's brother dislike the person he loved, it would be catastrophic. He was excited to visit again, but that house contained so many emotions for him. The last time he was there, he walked in with confused emotions and walked out with a relationship. God only knows what would happen this time.
"Ok, Ludwig! I'm looking forward to it." He said.
Ludwig nodded. "Excellent." He checked his watch and frowned, like always. "It's about time to go in."
"Before we go back…can you…" Feliciano mumbled, looking away as he trailed off.
He was cut off when Ludwig pressed his mouth against his and effectively knocked the air from his lungs. They were away from everyone else now, safe in their secret utopia. Love wasn't dangerous here. Everything in the universe felt perfectly in place. Ludwig's presence made the sky seem a little bit bluer and the sun shine a little brighter. Feliciano sighed why they reluctantly pulled apart.
Ludwig's cheeks were lightly flushed. "Don't be upset, Feliciano. There will be plenty of time this afternoon."
Feliciano nodded and walked with Ludwig towards the building, his bad mood nothing more than a distant memory.
.
The carefree mood didn't last long. The car right over to Ludwig's house was unusually silent. Ludwig appeared to be lost in thought, his lips pressed into a tight line. His hands gripped the steering wheel like his life depended on it. Feliciano stared at him, unsure what could have brought on the sudden mood swing. "Everything alright?" He asked.
"Yes." He said almost too quickly, his eyes unmoving.
"Don't tell me you have something else to show me," said Feliciano jokingly. Surely his life wouldn't change every time he went to his house, right? He wasn't so sure when instead of giving an immediate response Ludwig hesitated. Feliciano's eyes widened. "You do, don't you?"
"No, not exactly." He said. "It's more that I wanted to prove something to you."
Feliciano wondered what on earth he could mean by that. Ludwig had a habit of being way too vague, which at times made him very hard to understand. He couldn't imagine what Ludwig would possibly have to prove to him, he had already done so much.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"You'll see."
The rest of the car ride passed with Feliciano pondering the statement. The air in the car was unmoving and tense, neither of them saying a word. When he walked through the door of Ludwig's house, Gilbert met him almost before he had time to get inside. As per the usual, he was grinning manically.
"Feliciano! He brought you back!" He exclaimed. "Not sick of him yet?" He pointed his thumb at Ludwig.
Feliciano laughed and shook his head. His antics were refreshing. He wondered what it would be like if Lovino was more like Gilbert, wild and eccentric instead of aloof and serious. He immediately dismissed the idea. It was far too strange. He looked to Ludwig, who was standing by the door even more tensely than usual. He had completely ignored Gilbert's comment.
"Are you okay, Ludwig?" Feliciano asked for the second time.
He seemed to snap out of a daze. "Fine."
Gilbert narrowed his eyes dramatically and stared directly at his brother. "You're even weirder than usual. What's up?" He began to poke his cheek repeatedly like a child would. At least Feliciano knew he wasn't imagining things.
Swatting his hand away, Ludwig shook his head. "What are you talking about?" His eyes were fixed on the wall behind them. He didn't seem to be looking directly at anything at all. It was as if he was staring through it.
Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Feliciano, he's broken."
Feliciano opened his mouth to speak only to be cut off by Ludwig. "No, Gilbert, I actually wanted to talk to you." He said. "Now."
Feliciano turned to him quickly. "Do you want me to leave? I could go upstairs." He grew more and more confused with every second that passed. Why would Ludwig invite him over if he needed to speak with his brother?
"No, this includes you too." He said. "Let's all go sit down."
"What do you want, Ludwig?" Gilbert whined. "This is stupid! If you want to tell me something just say it already!"
"This is important!" Ludwig nearly shouted.
Feliciano tugged at Ludwig's sleeve. "What's going on? Did I do something, Ludwig? I really hope I didn't do something!"
His blue eyes narrowed. Ludwig sighed heavily and brought his hand to his forehead. He looked as if he was about to explode. Feliciano stared at him helplessly, his eyes darting around the room for some type of unspoken clue. His pulse quickened in the midst of the uncertainty. Gilbert was still grinning. He seemed amused by his brother's irritation.
"Come on!" He said.
"FINE!" Ludwig shouted, throwing his hands in the hair. Feliciano recoiled. This was strange, the entire situation did nothing but confuse him. Ludwig took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he seemed calmer. Gilbert and Feliciano both stopped speaking, even stopped moving. They waited for him to continue with complete stillness.
Ludwig hesitated. "Gilbert, I have something to tell you concerning Feliciano." He said slowly.
Feliciano inhaled sharply. His chest leapt at the words. He hadn't expected the conversation to have anything to do with him. He looked to Ludwig questioningly, lips parted as if to say something but remaining silent. Ludwig looked at him and nodded, as if to say 'it's okay.' It took everything Feliciano had to not hold his breath in suspense.
"What about him?" Gilbert said, his lip curling upwards slightly. "You're confusing me."
Ludwig fixed his hair again, more haphazardly this time. "If you would only listen to me for a moment…"
"Spit it out already!"
"Feliciano and I aren't simply friends!" His words were wild and hurried. Feliciano froze. What was going on? Before continuing, Ludwig sighed heavily. "It might seem a little strange to you, but we are…together." He said finally, barely breathing the word.
Feliciano forgot how to breathe. That's what he had meant by proving something to him; his simple comment about not telling his brother had stuck with him. He really did care, the way he hung onto Feliciano's every word really did mean something. After the initial sentimental feelings, Feliciano found that he was filled with fear. The room had grown uncomfortably quiet, the words hanging in the air threateningly. What if Gilbert didn't approve? What if he got angry and threw him out of the house, what if he-
Gilbert didn't miss a beat. He said nothing for a split second, and then laughed. He laughed like he would never laugh again, the room filled with the bizarre chuckle of his. The tension between them shattered. Feliciano gaped at him, his mind going blank. He and Ludwig could do nothing but stand there in stunned silence, not entirely sure what to make of what was happening in front of them. Gilbert only continued to laugh with such intensity it was borderline psychotic. Ludwig clenched his jaw before finally speaking.
"What on earth is so funny? This isn't a joke! I'm serious, Gilbert!"
"Is that was all the fuss is about? I already knew, idiot!" He exclaimed and then laughed again, clutching his stomach.
"What do you mean you knew?" Ludwig asked, eyes wide.
"Remember when you had Feliciano over last time? Yeah, I was outside your door for like, half of that conversation." He said, grinning arrogantly.
Ludwig's eyes widened dramatically, his gaze locked on his brother. He looked like a ticking time bomb that would go off at any moment. "Arschloch!" He hollered, swinging his fist in the air above them. Even though Feliciano spoke no German, it didn't take fluency to know that he had cursed at him. "You had no right to hear that! That was private!"
Gilbert's grin remained intact. "Aw, come on Ludwig. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Plus I'm your big brother! Isn't it my job to know what my baby brother is up to?" He asked, still chuckling. He took a deep breath and wiped a tear from his eye. Finally, he calmed down. "Have fun, you two."
Finally, it was Feliciano's turn to speak. "That's all you're going to say?" He was amazed. He didn't expect anyone to be all that accepting, let alone someone as arrogant and seemingly judgmental as Gilbert. He supposed his had misjudged him. His chest swelled with joy. Finally, there was one less thing to worry about. Feliciano smiled uncontrollably, fighting with himself to not cry out in celebration.
"Nah. Whatever a guy likes is his own business. Plus I like you, Feliciano! I think you're good for him. Get him to lighten up a bit, will ya?" He said, elbowing Ludwig gently in the side.
Ludwig finally cracked a small smile, exhaling in relief. "At least that's out of the way." He said. He turned to Feliciano. "I only wanted to prove to you that I was sure."
Feliciano's mouth fell open. He had risked the acceptance of his brother just to prove something he had asked on a whim. He felt a sudden surge of guilt for putting him in that position, for questioning him in the first place. When he could think of nothing to say, he threw his arms around Ludwig's torso. He didn't care that Gilbert was just a few feet away.
"Isn't that cute." He said mockingly. When Ludwig shot him an irritated glance, he only smirked. "Well, I'm going out. Don't wait up." With that, he grabbed his wallet and phone off the kitchen table and walked out the front door, just like that.
Ludwig smiled. "That went much better than I had anticipated." He said. "Do you believe me now?"
Feliciano frowned. "Of course I do! I never really doubted you!" He exclaimed. His cheeks burned, embarrassed that he came across as untrusting. His doubt had been completely erased in the weeks they spent together. Each day they were together convinced him further that fate had brought them together, and there was no force in the universe strong enough to break them apart. Then, he realized something. Ludwig had told Gilbert, did that mean he needed to tell Lovino? The simple thought sent fear through his heart. Still, he owed it to him.
"Ludwig, should I tell my brother?" He asked. "You managed to tell Gilbert, that means I should do the same thing, right?"
He shook his head. "Don't be concerned about that. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing." He said. "There is no reason to rush."
Feliciano let out a sigh of relief. Even though he felt badly about it, he just wasn't ready to tell Lovino. "Thank you." He said.
Ludwig nodded. "Do you want to upstairs?" He asked, smiling slightly. His voice was warm and alluring, his eyes almost seductive. Feliciano's knees went weak. He froze, his eyes wide. Could he possibly mean-
Ludwig suddenly turned pink, his suave demeanor diminishing. "That…came out wrong." He stammered.
Feliciano laughed. "Come on, Ludwig." He said. He took him by the hand and led him up the steps.
Just minutes later, they were sitting on Ludwig's bed. They weren't doing anything, not even really talking. Feliciano didn't mind. It comforted him just to be with him. What was surprising is they could go long stretches of time without talking without it being awkward, Feliciano felt no urge to fill the time with meaningless small talk. Ludwig had put a CD in the stereo, so they were simply sitting there listening to the soft rock.
"What do you want to do for your birthday, Feli?" Ludwig asked, breaking Feliciano out of his daze. It was only then that he remembered his birthday was only a couple of weeks away now. He thought for a brief moment, and only one thing kept coming to mind.
"I want to spend it with you."
Ludwig grinned slightly. "I think that's a given. Isn't there anything special you'd like to do?"
"Can we eat pasta?"
Ludwig laughed out loud, the sound music to Feliciano's ears. "It wouldn't be much of a birthday without it, now would it?"
"This will be my first birthday party, if you can call it that." Feliciano said, tipping his head back. "I never had enough people to invite when I was a kid!"
"It was the same in my situation. And I've never really been one for parties." He said. "Crowds are not something I'm a fan of. Gilbert, on the other hand, throws huge parties for his birthday."
Feliciano didn't doubt that for a second. He imaged what kind of chaos Gilbert would stir up on his birthday. He couldn't decide if it would be a lot of fun or a completely terrifying experience. Lovino was never a big partier either, so his birthdays always consisted of a small gathering of his closest friends. During these gatherings, Feliciano usually stayed in his room.
"Of course, there's the question of what to get you." Ludwig said, rubbing his chin in contemplation.
The words surprised Feliciano even though he felt he should have expected them. "You don't have to get me anything! It's enough to just spend time with you." What he said was the absolute truth, he really didn't care if he was given a present or not. Being with Ludwig was the best present he ever could have received.
"Nonsense, of course I'll be getting you something."
Feliciano smiled at the floor, feeling shy yet amazingly happy. It wasn't that Ludwig would be giving him a material object; it was that he cared enough to do so. Still, he couldn't help but be curious and maybe a little bit excited about what it would end up being. He took Ludwig's hand in his own, tracing the thin lines on his palm.
For a moment, no one said anything. The radio played on, the soft-rock song filling the empty spaces in the room. Feliciano found himself inching closer to Ludwig, close enough that their legs were touching. Despite the calming atmosphere, his heart was beating out of his chest.
Feliciano knew what people did when they were in relationships, but that's where his knowledge of physical affection ended. But now that he was sitting on a bed, alone with Ludwig, he was suddenly painfully aware of his surroundings. His head was spinning with questions. Was this the time to do something? Should he just wait? This was all terribly confusing. When Feliciano looked at Ludwig, his eyes were fixed on the floor.
"Ludwig?"
"Yes, Feliciano?"
"Is something wrong?"
Ludwig cleared his throat. "I was just thinking." He started, adjusting his hair yet again. "I don't want to make a wrong move."
Feliciano was confused. He tilted his head slightly to the side and stared at him. "I'm not sure I get it." He said "What kind of wrong move?"
He shook his head. "Nothing. I mean, never mind."
This didn't satisfy Feliciano. Surely he had to have meant something by that; Ludwig wasn't the kind of person to just blurt things out that he didn't mean. "Come on, tell me!" He said. He clung to Ludwig's arm playfully, rocking back and forth.
He sighed. "A couple weeks ago, when you said you wanted to slow down? That's fine, of course, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable again."
Oh. If Feliciano wasn't amazed before, he definitely was now. Ludwig must have remembered every little comment, every petty complaint he had ever said around him. He was used to people tuning him out when he spoke; he couldn't count the number of times he had realized no one was listening halfway through a story he was telling. He found himself smiling even wider than before.
The happiness he felt was soon coupled with a flutter of anticipation and just a twinge of nerves. He realized that if Ludwig didn't want to take the lead here, he would have to. Feliciano couldn't decide if the idea excited him or scared him. No matter how tough Ludwig appeared on the outside, he was truly shy on the inside.
Feliciano became aware of how close they were. The area where their legs touched seemed to burn, but not unpleasantly. He felt a familiar shock shoot up his spine. The longing Feliciano had felt when they first met was manifesting itself differently, tugging at his body like a magnet. The difference was this time; he knew exactly what he wanted. Not allowing himself to overthink it any longer, Feliciano shifted his position so that he was sitting on Ludwig's lap, his legs resting somewhat awkwardly on the bed behind him.
Ludwig's eyes widened like a deer in headlights. "Feli, are you sure-"
Feliciano brought his finger to Ludwig's lips. "Shh."
He smiled, watching Ludwig's cheeks flush before he too grinned. Without another moment of hesitation, they kissed. Feliciano wrapped his legs loosely around him, pulling himself closer just slightly. Ludwig tentatively brought his arms behind Feliciano's back, embracing him. The contact was not outwardly passionate. There was no heavy breathing, moaning or clothes hitting the floor. It was a simple act of love.
This continued for a while. While there was less awkward nose bumping and nervous giggling, the moment maintained it's innocent beauty. Feliciano ran his hands through Ludwig's now-loose blonde hair, willing the strands to fall where they may. Ludwig held onto Feliciano's torso with a gentle firmness that said he was scared to break him but even more scared to let him go.
Ludwig broke the kiss for a brief moment and sighed against Feliciano's mouth.
His eyes were still closed. "I love you." He whispered.
Feliciano smiled. Seeing Ludwig breaking out of his shell right before his very eyes was nothing short of surreal. Part of him still believed that everything that had happened was nothing more than a wonderful, blissful dream. Even if it was a dream, even if it didn't last forever, Feliciano intended to hold onto every moment like it would be their very last.
He tapped Ludwig's nose out of silliness. "I love you too, Ludwig." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Can you promise me one thing?"
He looked at him with kind eyes. "What would that be?" He asked. His voice was nearly a whisper.
"Promise me we'll have more moments just like this." Feliciano's emotions were threatening to pull him under the current, his desire to hold onto his rock only growing stronger. Never in his life had he felt happiness like this. At the same time, he had never felt anxiety like this. He saw their love as glass, something fragile that he might shatter with a false move. The last he wanted was the fall back under the water, back into the life he was living before.
Ludwig brought Feliciano's head closer to his and cupped his neck gently in his hand. "I promise." He whispered. "Don't worry."
Feliciano believed him, yet the dull ache of worry settled in his stomach refused to dissolve. He knew he was likely holding on too tight, loving too much, but he couldn't have it any other way. He reached out and hugged Ludwig, fearing that he himself would break.
To be continued...