Entry #5
I am starting to grow a strong fondness towards Alfred. Whether that be a good thing or bad thing I am incapable of knowing.
Lately, I've been feeling... different about him. Sure, he still irritates the bloody hell out of me, but there's more a feeling than despise and annoyance. Is it interest? Desire? A strong liking? Love?
Oh.
Shit.
No. No, No. This cannot be happening. Am I... Am I gay for Alfred?
Ever since I was a young lad I knew I was gay. Girls never seemed to interest nor appear attractive to me. My brothers would often introduce to me to a variety of different girls to see if any would 'float my boat'. I swear, it was like they new every single type of girl in the world. I was pushed towards tall girls, short girls, thin girls, thick girls, colored girls, white girls, nerdy girls, athletic girls, foreign girls, native girls, older girls, mature girls, childish girls, introverts, extroverts- you name it. Yet, none of them satisfied me.
It wasn't until I met Francis Bonnefoy. God, I had fallen head over heels for that boy. I felt butterflies flutter about in my chest whenever I saw him. My cheeks heated up whenever our skin touched; whenever I felt his gaze fall on me. I felt an attraction I felt that I never felt towards any girl. That is how I found out I was a walking bloody rainbow.
That's exactly how I feel towards Alfred right now.
In all honesty, it terrifies me... Francis was the last person I ever loved. That love died the day I got the news he was killed in a fatal car crash. Ever since then, I was afraid of loving anyone else. What if they, too, met that end? I don't want to love Alfred then find him dead. My current job doesn't help with the odds anyways.
However, I can't help myself for what I feel towards Alfred... I want to kiss him. I want him to pull me into his arms and cradle me all night long. I want to wake up beside him knowing I'm his lover not just his roommate. I want to feel his bare body pressed against my own underneath the warmth of our blankets as-
Eggs, Milk, Paper plates, a sponge, more tea bags and tea cups, apple-
Damn. Alfred just walked up behind me so I had to cover up what I was writing by writing a shopping list. I told him to never do that; he knows how I hate being startled.
Maybe I am just over thinking this all. Maybe it is just a temporary crush. Besides, I don't even know if he is gay... He seems to handsome to be available for me.
I better end this here. I don't feel comfortable writing this love nonsense with him in the room now. Hopefully I will come to a conclusion with my heart and Alfred. Whether I love him or not, I don't want anything harmful to happen to him. Harm always comes in my wake when my heart chooses to love. I can't bring that upon Alfred.
- A. Kirkland