Another week had passed; another cold, lifeless weak void of all things Ludwig. Feliciano thought he was going to get sick from the radiation if he kept his phone to his ear for any longer. He'd lost count of the amount of times he'd called Ludwig. Each and every time, it rang and rang but there was never an answer. That didn't stop Feliciano from getting his hopes up every time, and it didn't stop his heart from nearly combusting every time he heard his voicemail.

The world lost its color in a matter of days. Feliciano's school life had reverted to what it was like before he met Ludwig. Not a day passed without some kind of incident. Not only that, but somewhere along the line what seemed like the entire student body figured out that he and Ludwig were dating. This only gave them more ammo. It wasn't that he didn't expect them to know. Really, he didn't care if they knew. Let them know. Let them say whatever they wanted and do whatever they wanted to him. All they did was reinforce the numbness that was spreading throughout Feliciano's body like an ice storm. When they insulted him, he didn't hear it. When they hit him, he didn't feel it.

Feliciano wasn't sure what hurt more- Ludwig being away, or having no idea if he was all right. The worry ripped him apart every night as he lay in bed and he was left to sew himself back together every morning. Sleep was becoming somewhat of a foreign concept. When he did sleep, he was only met by nightmares. Nightmares filled with death, warped images and of course, Ludwig.

It seemed like Gilbert was making more appearances at Feliciano's house than he was at his own these days. There was never much of a purpose to his visits. Usually he just rang the doorbell, walked in, collapsed on the couch or the kitchen table and rambled about his plans to find his brother. These plans never made much sense, since he was sleeping about as much as Feliciano. When he came over, Feliciano tried to get him to eat something. He wasn't very good at doing that these days, either.

"I'm just saying it's possible." Gilbert's words were barely audible. He was face down on one of the couch cushions. "You know how dumb he can be!"

Feliciano sighed as he put a bowl of pasta on the table next to him. "Gilbert, I kind of doubt he's hiding somewhere in your house." He said gently. "You don't give Ludwig a lot of credit, do you? He's not dumb!"

"Yeah, well, this is super dumb of him!" Gilbert flipped onto his back and picked up his food. "Not that I care." His words went from a shout to a mumble as he shoved a forkful of pasta in his mouth.

"It's pretty obvious you care! When was the last time you slept, Gilbert? You look like you really need a siesta."

Gilbert sat up. "For the hundredth time, I don't understand your Italian mumbo-jumbo. I slept…uh…" He trailed off and rested on head on the couch behind him. "Wow, head rush."

Feliciano frowned as he watched him close his eyes, an inch away from the sleep he desperately needed. No matter the lengths he would go to deny it, Gilbert was falling apart. Ludwig didn't have a lot of people in his life; that much was true. That didn't change that the people he'd left behind were sinking in the quicksand he'd left in his wake, fighting desperately not to get sucked beneath the surface.

.

Another three days had passed, and Feliciano was in bed. He spent most of his time in bed these days. He was in limbo, somewhere between being awake and being asleep. He was in that limbo more often than not these days. He had his phone wedged between his shoulder and his ear, as listening to the ringing and Ludwig's eventual voicemail had become a ritual. At this point, he was sure he was only calling the number to hear his voice. Hello. You've reached Ludwig Beilschmidt. Leave a message. I will call you back.

That unnatural formality that was Ludwig's signature was haunting. The promise he makes yet never keeps at the end of his message was even more so. Feliciano felt faint every time he heard it. Every time he heard that same "hello," he almost let himself think that it was Ludwig picking up this time. It never was.

When Feliciano didn't hear that hello, he snapped out of his limbo and sat up. Was his number finally disconnected? He jumped out bed and began to pace around his room. No, it couldn't be. Ludwig's number was the only thing that was left of him; it was the thread his sanity was hanging on to.

When Feliciano heard a click, his heart stopped beating. He couldn't think, he couldn't hope. When he heard a sharp, gruff sigh on the other line, his breath was stolen from his lungs. "Hello?" He whispered. He waited, the air shattering around him.

The voice that followed was quiet, broken. "Feliciano, you need to stop calling."

Feliciano's knees went weak. The room turned inside out and the reality he thought he knew burst open and fell apart at his feet. He fell to his knees and rested a hand on the floor to steady himself. For a moment, he thought he was hallucinating. These words were Ludwig's, but at the same time they were not Ludwig's. They were too cold.

"Ludwig?" His vision began to blur and his inhibition suddenly faded. He had Ludwig on the phone. This was no time to be timid. "Where are you? Oh my God, Ludwig, we've been so worried! Your brother and I, I mean! You need to come back, right now! Gilbert can come get you! Are you okay? Have you been eating?"

"Feliciano…"

"I'm sorry I ran away the other night! I know I should have stayed but you told me to run so I did but I'm really sorry and I just need you to come back!"

"Feliciano…"

"School has been terrible everyone is so mean to me and they know we're dating and I don't know how! I don't care that they know but I thought you should know and-"

"Feliciano, shut up!"

The words hit him like an avalanche. Never, ever had Ludwig raised his voice at him. He sounded like everyone else, everyone that pushed him around in the hallways and kicked him when he was down. Just a couple weeks ago, Ludwig was singing to him. Now he was yelling at him. Feliciano felt a lump in his throat as he leaned against the side of his bed. He stopped talking, putting the million questions he had aside.

"Sorry," muttered Ludwig. The word didn't sound sincere, but his next did. "You need to stop calling, Feliciano."

Feliciano bit his lip, needing the pain as something to focus on. He refused to believe his words. "What?" He said. "Ludwig, what's going on?"

Ludwig sighed again. The silence was terrible. "I'm not coming back."

Feliciano wasn't in his body anymore. This was another nightmare, the worst one he had ever had. It had to be. When he pinched himself and felt pain, his body went numb right after. "Ludwig, you aren't making sense. Of course you're coming back." His voice was quiet and shaking. He couldn't be sure whom he was trying to convince: Ludwig, or himself.

"I don't think you are understanding me. What happened the other week, it woke me up." This did not sound like Ludwig. It sounded like a prerecorded speech. "We are both confused. What we were doing…it wasn't correct."

Feliciano's heart was nonexistent. All that was left was a cold, empty space between his lungs. His chest heaved with pain, his stomach warped with nausea. Whoever was speaking to him wasn't Ludwig. He gripped the cross necklace to remind himself this was real, to bring himself back to time when things made sense. "Ludwig, your father…he's wrong." He said. "You know I love you."

"You don't love me. Not in the way you think."

Daggers pierced Feliciano. Never had ten little words hurt him as much as these had. "No, I know how I feel! I love you, Ludwig! In that way!" He knew his words were childish, but he didn't care.

"Feliciano, you need to move on from this. You need time. You'll meet a nice girl and all of this will be forgotten." His voice was calm. Much, much, too calm.

"Why are you doing this?" Feliciano could hardly speak through his tears. He had cried enough to fill a swimming pool these last few days. He was so, so sick of crying. "You said gender wasn't an issue before, I-"

"I was wrong." The declaration sounded almost like a command, as if Ludwig was demanding that Feliciano believe him. Feliciano was starting to. "I thought I knew everything, and I was wrong."

This wasn't real. Feliciano gripped the front of his hair, trembling in disbelief as the room spun in circles around him. "You need to come back. Gilbert is falling apart." He thought back to Ludwig's poor brother nearly fainting from exhaustion. "Everyone is falling apart without you."

"I am sure he will live. I won't be his burden anymore"

Feliciano felt a bubble of anger rise in his chest. "Why are you being so stupid?" He exclaimed, channeling Gilbert in his words. "Your home is here. Your father was wrong and you need to come back! Gilbert and I love you!"

"I'm going to say it again." Frustration rose in his voice as he spoke. "I know this must be very confusing for you, but you need to forget about me. Talk to some girls or something."

"I don't want a girl! I want you!"

"Please don't make this harder than it needs to be, Feliciano!" His voice was raised again. This wasn't the Ludwig he knew. This was a hollow shell of what he was just a couple of weeks ago.

Feliciano wrote a novel in his head, filled to the brim with everything he could say. Panic set in as he realized he was under a time constraint. He needed to come up with something, anything to say that would fix this. His worst fear was staring him in the face, threatening to destroy everything he thought was going right. "What happened to calling me Feli?" He whispered. "What happened to all we did? Did it all mean nothing to you?" He thought back to that breathtaking night in Ludwig's bedroom on his birthday. "What about all we have together?"

Ludwig didn't say anything for a good twenty seconds. "Had. Past tense."

"Ludwig!" He cried in desperation. "Don't do this, please!"

There was a heavy, trembling sigh on the other line, but no words. There was a click, then silence. Feliciano couldn't see anything through his tears. He dropped the phone on the carpet as the harsh dial tone continued to buzz. He waited for the panic, for the fast heartbeat and the helplessness. But it never came. He didn't have any anxiety left to give.

Before he knew what he was doing, Feliciano was running to what was now Gilbert's house. His heart had shattered into a million pieces, cutting him up from the inside out, but at least he had something. He knew Ludwig was alive and out there, somewhere. Even if he never saw him again, even if Ludwig never looked at him the same, he would do everything in his power to get him home.

He ran across the streets like an escaped lunatic, not pausing for anything or anyone. He was nearly hit by a car but managed to escape it. He didn't even hear the blaring of the horn by a disgruntled driver. Feliciano arrived at Gilbert's barely five minutes later. He was crying, breathing heavy, dizzy, sick…he looked like he had escaped from a mental institution. Not bothering to wipe his eyes or even catch his breath, he banged on the door like someone was chasing him.

Gilbert didn't waste any time. He threw the door open within ten seconds. "What's going on? Oh my…Feliciano?" He took in Feliciano's appearance and pulled him inside. "What's going on?" He said again.

"Gilbert!" He exclaimed, breathing too heavy to continue. "Oh my God, Gilbert!"

"Deep breathes, kid."

Feliciano did what he was told. With his breathing still labored, he found the strength to continue. "Ludwig…called."

"Yes!" Gilbert threw his fist in the air. Once he realized his action, he dropped his arm. "I mean, oh. I knew he'd come around. Where is he? I'm feeling nice, so we go get him now."

"No, you don't understand." Feliciano couldn't breathe. The tears refused to stop falling. "He said he's not coming back. I don't know where he is."

A flash of pure, intense pain washed over Gilbert's face in a millisecond before he grimaced. "Are you kidding? What exactly is he trying to pull?"

"It's not only that…he said…he said it's over."

Gilbert didn't appear to understand. "What's over?"

"Us!" Feliciano was not sure how else he could explain it. "He said what we were doing is wrong and something about him waking up and that I should talk to girls!" He paused, realizing he wasn't making sense. The grief pulled at him and refused to allow him to communicate. "But I don't want to talk to girls. I don't even know how, but that doesn't matter, I… I just want him to come back! I need him to come back!"

"Don't even worry about it. Ludwig is talking out of his ass." Gilbert's tone implied confidence, but his eyes counteracted it. "Listen, Feli. I know I give Ludwig a ton of crap. He is really stupid sometimes, but the truth is he's really smart. He's smarter than me, really. Don't tell him I said that!"

Feliciano almost smiled, but he couldn't.

"Ludwig isn't so dense that he'd throw you away. Since the very first day he met you, he. Would. Not. Shut. Up! It was always Feliciano, Feliciano, Feliciano. Since he's known you, he's been smiling a lot more. Finally laughing sometimes. Plus he's been talking to me! Before you came around, Ludwig said, like, two words a day. I was starting to think he was mute!" said Gilbert, finally smiling ever so slightly. "He's got his panties in a bunch right now, but he'll come around once he realizes how ridiculous he's being."

Feliciano wished he could believe him, but he couldn't. Ludwig said what he meant and meant what he said. Why would he be an exception, after all the happened? Why would Ludwig sacrifice all he knew, sacrifice the acceptance of his father, for some silly, weak high school boy? Feliciano looked to Gilbert for answers. He was helpless to say anything else.

Gilbert sighed and his smile disappeared. "Look, we need to stick together on this one. We're going to find him. I know we will."

"I really hope so…" Feliciano said, squeezing his hands together. Deep down, he knew nothing he did or said would change what was going on. Defeated, he turned towards the door. "Sorry for bothering you."

Gilbert grabbed his shoulder. "Don't be dumb. We have some information now, that's a good thing! Hey, come on, look at me." He said. Feliciano turned around. "Your house must be awfully boring. If you ever want to stay here, you can. We have a guest room. You could even stay in Ludwig's room, if you wanted to."

Feliciano nearly said yes. With no Ludwig and no Lovino, all he could do was stare at the walls in his house, trapped in his own racing thoughts. One thing stopped him from taking the offer. From the bottom of his heart, he knew Ludwig's house would be worse. Filling the space that was supposed to be filled by Ludwig, sitting in the room that so many things had happened in, it would be too much.

"I think I should go home." Feliciano said, adverting his eyes. He offered a slight smile. "Thanks for the offer, though."

"Don't worry about it. Hey, if you're up to it, why don't we talk to Alfred tomorrow? This might help with their case."

"Okay." He responded. "I'll come around one?"

"Awesome."

.

Alfred nodded, hanging onto every word as Feliciano tearfully recounted the events of the previous night. He told him everything, from his unusually angry tone to his demand that Feliciano forget about him. He told him about how Ludwig told him to talk to girls. He even told him that he didn't want a girl. Only Ludwig.

When he had woken up that morning, Feliciano barely felt real. For a split second of madness after waking up from yet another nightmare, he believed that their phone conversation had been part of it. Reality hit him like a brick in less than a minute.

After Feliciano finished, Alfred only shook his head. "How awful." He muttered, pushing his frames higher on the bridge of his nose. "Believe it or not, I've seen this kind of thing before. I have a few questions, that okay?"

Feliciano and Gilbert both nodded.

"Did Ludwig mention anything about being bothersome? Like, he thought you'd be better off without him?"

I won't be his burden anymore. "Yeah, he did." Feliciano said. "I told him that we were falling apart with out him and needed him back, and he said he won't be a burden to Gilbert anymore. I don't know what's wrong with him; he's crazy! He's not a burden to you, right Gilbert?"

Gilbert shook his head, sighing. "No. Never. I gave him a hard time sometimes, but he's my brother! That's my job, isn't it?" He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head yet again.

Alfred nodded sullenly. "And you said he's withdrawing from you guys? His attitude has changed?"

Feliciano nodded again, panic rising in his chest as he stared into Alfred's increasingly worried eyes. He looked away from Feliciano and began to rummage through that cluttered drawer of his. "I really hate to do this, but there's something I'm obligated to give you guys. Don't take it too seriously, we only have one phone call to go off of…" He stopped himself and pulled out a pamphlet. "At least take a look at it."

Feliciano nearly ripped the paper from his hands. When his vision focused enough to read the title, his breathing left him. No. No. Gilbert leaned over his shoulder. He gave no sarcastic remarks; he didn't say a word. He only stood there, his mouth hanging open. The blunt title was staring them in the face, kicking them in the gut. Alfred looked at them apologetically. What he had given them was a trifold pamphlet, the ominous black block lettering reading Warning Signs of Suicide.

"Don't take it too seriously." Alfred repeated. "I only gave it to you because it's my job, and…"

"Ludwig would never do that!" exclaimed Gilbert. "He would never do that to me, to Feliciano! Gott, he's not that damn selfish!"

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "It's really not cool to think of this as selfish."

"Whatever! The point is this isn't Ludwig. My God, none of this is Ludwig…" Gilbert stopped himself, gripping a handful of his white hair in his hand.

While Gilbert yelled, Feliciano read. He flipped through the pamphlet and mentally checked off the signs Ludwig had shown in the devastating phone call. Thankfully, there weren't many. However, the fact that he had shown just a couple was enough to send fear shooting down his spine. Gilbert was right; none of this was Ludwig. The thing that worried him is Feliciano didn't know exactly how much Ludwig had changed.

.

The one-month mark rolled around. Feliciano tried to call Ludwig only once before he realized that his number had finally been disconnected. He wondered if he would ever hear his voice again. Life had turned into an endless sea of grey, of lifelessness. The one spark of color was when Lovino finally called. He hadn't mentioned his birthday, but Feliciano was over it. He had bigger things to worry about these days.

Lovino was likely getting even more suspicious. Feliciano put on an Oscar winning performance, making sure to keep his voice chipper and keep the questions rolling as they spoke, but Lovino knew him too well. He must have asked if he was okay ten times during the ten-minute conversation. Feliciano answered with artificial cheerfulness every time. Yes, he was okay. No, he had no idea why Lovino would keep asking. Yes, Ludwig was fine. Everything was fine, fine, fine. Feliciano was beginning to feel like a robot.

School was a nightmare, but Feliciano wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't. Everyone could have suddenly loved him and it wouldn't have affected him one bit. He didn't care anymore. If one of those punks beat him to death, at least he wouldn't have to face another night alone with himself, tossing and turning and crying and remembering before finally drifting off into a nightmare-filled sleep.

Gilbert came to his door on the one-month mark on the dot. Feliciano didn't think much of it, thinking he would just ramble on for a while, take his food and eventually pass out on his couch as per usual. Something about this time was different. Instead of barging into Feliciano's house as soon as the door opened, he stood in the entrance like a wounded puppy.

"Gilbert?" said Feliciano.

"I know this is a terrible time, but I was rummaging through one of our closets for hints to where Ludwig might be…well, I found something. Not really a hint, but I thought you'd want it."

Feliciano blinked, his face void of any emotion. What could Gilbert possibly have? "What did you find?"

"It would be better to just show you." Gilbert pulled a small white square from his pocket. It was slightly bigger than a deck of cards.

Feliciano wasn't ready to look at it. He had no idea what it could be, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He looked into Gilbert's eyes, pleading for help without speaking one word. Gilbert only nodded. Feliciano finally took the item from him. Before he flipped it over, revealing whatever it was and whatever emotion consequences would follow, he hesitated.

Taking a deep breath, he flipped it over. It was a photograph of what looked like a field. Deliberately going as slowly as his eyes would allow him, he scanned the picture from left to right. There was an oak tree, a clear blue sky, and a field of green grass. His eyes had nearly reached the end of the picture when he saw them.

There on the photograph, frozen in time, were two children. A blonde boy and an androgynous brunette, holding hands as they looked into the sky. There was a slight blush on the blonde's face while the brunette looked like he didn't have a care in the world. An unruly curl stuck out from the rest of his hair. The blonde had a set of beautiful, painfully familiar blue eyes.

Feliciano's hand started shaking. He couldn't make out the photo anymore, he didn't want to. All those weeks ago he had torn his house apart looking for exactly what he was holding, thinking it would bring him some type of joy. He had given up, thinking he didn't need it after all. I have Ludwig, that's all that matters….

His eyes met Gilbert's, who looked as apologetic as he had ever been. "I know this was a really shitty time, but I found it and…"

Feliciano cut him off. "I know. I know what you were trying to do. I know you meant well. But I need to be alone now." His breath caught in his throat as he spoke. He knew exactly what was to come.

"Feliciano, I-"

"I'm sorry, Gilbert!"

He couldn't stop himself from slamming the door in the poor guy's face. Feliciano stood by the door for a moment, staring at the photo even though holding it burned his skin. Then reality came crashing down and he was hit with an indescribable, gut-wrenching need that caused him to drop the photo and tear upstairs. He couldn't look at it anymore. He couldn't be reminded of every kiss, every shared moment and everything that could have been. Every emotion he had tried to forget came rushing into him and every cell in his body screamed for Ludwig.

When he finally reached his bed, he buried his face in his pillow and screamed at the top of his lungs like he was being cut open. No, being cut open would be far less painful than this. The rest of his body screamed with his lungs like it was shutting down, giving up on him. Once it hurt too much to scream anymore, Feliciano resorted to punching the pillow with everything his frail, torn-apart body had. "Stupid Ludwig!" He yelled, ramming his fist into the cushion.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…

"Stupid, stupid, selfish Ludwig!" He punctuated each of his words with a punch to the pillow. "How. Can. You. Be. So. Stupid!"

You make me happy, when skies are grey…

He was crying again. Goddammit, he was so unbearably tired of crying. He wanted to laugh, to smile. He wanted to be wrapped in Ludwig's arms. He wanted to tell jokes that were so terrible that he couldn't help but crack up. Why did this have to happen? How dare he, how dare Ludwig? How dare he walk into his life, change everything he had ever known and then walk away like it was nothing?

"Was I nothing to you?" Feliciano was sure he was going mad, asking the air around him questions no one could answer, but he didn't care. He was so dizzy he felt drunk. Why did that stupid pillow keep moving? "Stupid Ludwig…"

You'll never know, dear…

He hit the pillow with less force. "Stupid, beautiful Ludwig…"

This time, he barely tapped the pillow. "Beautiful, sweet, wonderful, shy, smart, stupid Ludwig…"

How much I love you…

Feliciano didn't have the energy to lift his arm anymore. He didn't have enough energy to keep his head up, either. He barely had the energy left to live. His eyes were closed before he hit the pillow. Tears continued to roll down his cheeks as his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest. Feliciano was sure the poor thing would give out soon. He gripped his cross necklace for dear life.

No matter how stupid Ludwig was being, he had changed Feliciano's life. That was something he couldn't change, even if they never saw each other again. Forgetting Ludwig was impossible. Ludwig was carved into what was left of Feliciano's broken heart. Forever.

Please don't take my sunshine away…

To be continued...