Chapter 4

"She isn't here."

Simon jumped visibly and turned around to find Alex standing directly behind him. He swore he'd not heard her creeping upon him at all, almost as though she'd glided soundlessly through the air.

"What?" he breathed, clutching his chest. Hos heart was thumping at double-speed from the surprise but he just about stopped himself from thinking he was going to have a heart attack. He was pretty sure Gene's world didn't do those. Not for DCIs anyway.

"Kim," Alex said with a tight smile, "I've been looking for her too."

Simon looked down and felt his cheeks starting to burn. He nodded slowly and his shoulders drooped.

"I just wanted to see if she was OK," he said awkwardly.

Alex nodded.

"I know," she said, "me too."

Simon became very aware that they were being watched. Fresh from his altercation with Jake he had made an attempt at checking on Kim. He felt so many different kinds of guilt for bringing the face that had previously been used by Jim Keats into Fenchurch East. Even though James was a very different man he knew that every time his friends looked into those eyes they'd see the monster who'd scarred them all. With no idea where he would find James, he decided to check on his best friend to see if she was alright before setting off to track him down but he'd found an empty office and a sneaky Alex making him jump out of his skin. Now he was being observed by Em, who was sharpening the station's pencil supply for the eight millionth time, and Kim's DS, whom he was sure had been winking at him at least twice a day since she'd started work there.

"Sorry, Alex, I'll just," he cleared his throat and lowered his eyes, taking a step past her but Alex spoke to halt him.

"It shouldn't have been your responsibility." She watched him stop in his tracks and turn around slowly.

"What shouldn't?" he asked.

"Telling us," Alex looked at him seriously, "That should have been Superintendent Fletcher's job. It wasn't fair on you."

Simon closed his eyes and gave a slow nod.

"I thought he'd told you," he admitted, "when I came in, I thought you would have been told already."

"We hadn't," Alex told him, perhaps a little unnecessarily, "it was a shock."

Simon looked down again.

"I know," he whispered.

"Fletcher made a poor decision," Alex told him, "we should have had the chance to process the news."

Simon stared at her, unsure why she was being so measured and so reasonable. Alex had more reason than most to hate Keats. She'd suffered so much abuse at his hands in so many different different forms over the years, and yet here she was; standing right before Simon with no screaming, no swearing, nothing.

"He's not the same person, Alex," Simon began, "James isn't Keats. He beat it, he beat the monster -"

"I know."

Simon stared at Alex, waiting for the catch. There had to be more. He couldn't accept her calm and flat response.

"What?"

Alex swallowed and took in a steady breath.

"You already told me all of this, Simon." She hesitated as Simon seemed confused. "The day he broke free," her words were quiet so as to avoid nearby ears, "beating the darkness, being a man, I've heard it all before. I can only take your word for that."

"You'll see it for yourself, Alex," Simon assured her, "every day. You'll see how different he is."

"Maybe," Alex seemed so cold and so distant as she spoke. That unnerved Simon a little. "I hope you're right."

"I am."

"Gene's the one you have to convince of this, not me."

Simon closed his eyes.

"Fuck," he breathed out, "how do you suggest I do that?"

Alex shrugged and the first hint of warmth showed through since the start of their conversation.

"That's your job," she said with a tiny smile, "I'm sorry. I've already done as much as I can do." She noticed Simon looking confused and continued, "I calmed him down after your announcement. He was threatening to go down to the canine department and set the dogs on the pair of you. By the time I'd calmed his temper I noticed Kim had gone." She glanced past Simon into Kim's office. "I've been back to check three times but no one's seen her."

"Do you think she's OK?" Simon asked and Alex shrugged.

"She's Kim," she said. That was as good an answer as any.

"Alex," Simon drew in his breath and ran his tongue around his lips slowly, "Alex, thank you. For... for being so reasonable about this -"

Alex halted him with a shake of her head.

"I'm not being reasonable," she said flatly, "I'm being the better person. Or trying to." she looked at Simon seriously. "You forget sometimes that we've seen it too." she saw Simon's confused frown deepening and sighed. "The human. That other side to Jim Keats. James. You remind us we've seen it but then forget it and give us the sales pitch again. I saw him too, Simon," she moved closer and whispered shakily, "in the hospital, his own tape playing out. We met James then, for the first time. And he's been back, just for a few moments, every now and again. But," she flinched visibly and Simon began to worry, "we've also seen that same face you brought in this morning wearing a dark glare or an evil smirk or a smug glance. We've seen that face deliver punches and assaults and devastation in its words and actions. I understand that the devil might have checked out but the room still looks the same after he's departed."

Simon swallowed hard and felt himself trembling just a little.

"What do you mean?" he whispered.

"I mean," Alex continued in measured tones, "that as much as I want to believe James is all sweetness and light and as much as I hope, for your sake, that his new position here works out the way you both want it to I need you to remember that the face you kiss goodnight is - on the surface - the same one who glowered at me as he abducted me, drugged me, assaulted me without a second thought." She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions in check, "so please, Simon, if you see me flinch, or you see Kim turn her back or Robin leave the room, don't judge us for that. As much as we might try, now and then those memories are going to be too hard to control."

"He's not the same -"

"- man, I know," Alex interrupted, "we've been over this, Simon. Flashbacks don't listen to reason. Triggers don't always look at context. If we look at James and see Jim Keats for a moment, please remember it's not on purpose. At least, I would hope I wasn't."

Simon stared at the floor and nodded slowly. Her words made a lot of sense to him.

"I guess you'd know this better than most," he said with nervous laughter and Alex shuddered.

"The other me," she whispered, "Yes." She shook her head and gave a slightly bitter laugh. After returning to her own body in 1995 she'd had to face up to all the things 2000-something Alex had done, running amok in her body. She looked at Simon again. "Yes, I do know. I know what it's like to wake up and know someone's been taking my body for a joyride. I know what it's like to have people staring at me and talking behind my back about the things I did when I was..." she rolled her eyes, "having a funny turn." She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, "James is going to need you. You are going to have to be strong for him."

"I will," Simon nodded.

"Then why aren't you with him now?"

Simon hesitated. It was a good question.

"I have loyalty to all of you, Alex," he said, feeling anxious and torn, "I need to make sure all of you are alright and I need to make sure James is, too. I don't know where to start or who to go to first."

"Do you know where James is?"

Simon shook his head.

"No," he sighed softly, "That's why I started here. Trying to find all of you before I tried finding James. He could be back home for all I know."

"Then," Alex stepped back and waved Simon through, "I suggest you find him." Simon held back, feeling confused and Alex rolled her eyes. "For goodness sake, you've been trying to sell this to us all morning. If this man is worth your time and energy then you need to find him before he throws in the towel, before he's even started."

Simon hesitated, then gave a certain nod. Alex was right.

"OK," he said. He took one step forward then stopped and glanced at Alex. His heart sped up as he made a confession, "Alex?" he swallowed, "I'm so scared."

"Scared? Of what?"

"What do I say to him?" Simon shook his head, "how do I even begin? The reaction you all gave him -" he hesitated as he felt a little guilty, "no offence... but it was brutal. He's probably terrified right now. He's a scared man, Alex. He doesn't know who he is yet. All he knows is that he's never had a chance."

"He's not getting one on my watch."

Simon jumped several inches in the air and gave a yelp of surprise. His eyes turned to see Gene who was standing in the corridor, the darkest expression across his face.

"Gene," he whispered.

"Your bottom buddy needs to sling his hook," Gene told him angrily, "or, if he needs someone to sling it for him, I'm happy to do the job."

"No," Simon found the burst of strength he'd been struggling to locate and marched forward, "No, Gene. This might be your station and your world but you're not the only person breathing this air. This isn't your call."

Gene stared at Simon, his expression unreadable.

"Are you challenging me, Shoebury?"

Simon felt his resolve waver but stopped it from crumbling beneath him.

"No," he said firmly, "because this is not your call."

"Really?" Gene wasn't used to being challenged in this way, whatever Simon said. He stared at Simon's expression, watching the drops of fear threatening to burst through his resolve, but no matter how much he glared Simon didn't withdraw from the fight. Eventually he took a step back and nodded.

"Alright, Shoebury," he began.

Simon stared, expecting a follow up remark or some kind of snarky comment or even a violent visit to Kim's filing cabinet but to his surprise he was serious.

"Really?" he asked incredulously.

"Bloody hell., Shoebury, you invite the devil into yer pressed linen sheets but you're scared of a little one-to-one with the Manc Lion?"

"Frankly, yes!"

Gene closed his eyes and gave a cross sigh.

"I'm seriously regretting me decision to let you have yer two minutes of airtime," he growled. "That's all you've got. Two minutes. So make them good." He shook his head to the right. "In my office."

Simon took in a deep breath. His heart was racing but he had no choice. He'd come this far. James needed this. He needed his job and he needed this chance. This was the best way to clear the path for his future to unfurl.

"Thank you," he said quietly. He started to move swiftly to the doorway, sending Alex an awkward smile as he did. Alex watched him go, slightly shaking her head. She wasn't sure what chance simon stood, selling his case to Gene, but she also knew he had no option but to try. No matter how she felt about the man who'd once been Jim Keats she also knew that falling in love with someone wasn't a choice. He needed to stand up for his relationship every bit as much as she'd fought for hers with Gene over the years.

Her eyes turned to Kim's empty desk and she sighed as a shiver of panic spread through her veins.

"Where are you, Kim?" she wondered.

~xXx~

A/N: I had tried to get this ready to post on monday night for the 23rd May but I've been suffering a lot of blackouts this week so I wasn't able to finish it in time. Today is a good alternative to post it. It's been six years since my whole world changed with the writing of my first chapter. At the time it was only ever supposed to be a one-shot to iron out the flaws that I felt the finale of Ashes to Ashes had. It was the first time I'd written in a decade and I remember how hard it was at the time to force out those words at the start. I spent the whole day writing, on and off, and little by little it became easier and the words started flowing.

Six years later those words are still flowing, albeit slower than they had for some time. If 23rd May was the true birthday of my fics then 26th May is a good back up since Ffnet made me wait 3 days after opening my account to post the fic. 6 Years ago today, Out of the Window went up as a oneshot and now Real Cool World exists as a tome of text somewhat terrifying in scale. Writing these stories has saved my life and brought me an entirely new one; it has brought new friends to my door, helped me to conquer my own past and – most importantly of all – played a pivotal role in the deepening of my relationship with my best friend as we fell in love. The Robin to my Kim.

Although my work is slow now, it will carry on. I could never leave this world unfinished. Thank you all for sharing it with me x