Chapter 6

"Still no sign of her?"

Alex somehow managed to jump and do a full 180 degree turn in the same instant. She'd been a million miles away, lost in her own thoughts when the voice came from the doorway. It wasn't even her doorway, but then that was the whole point of the question.

"No," Alex tried not to sigh but a little one came out as she forced a smile, "I've been checking."

Simon seemed a little nervous himself.

"Not like Kim," he said uncomfortably, aware James's arrival had been the catalyst to her disappearance, "have you checked the usual places? Robin's office? The canteen?"

"Yes, and yes," Alex let her breath out slowly and started to walk towards Simon in the doorway, leaving behind Kim's wall of pictures and achievements which she'd been studying attentively. Somehow Kim and Robin's anti-beard awards had travelled through time with them. "I'm sure she's fine."

"You keep saying that," Simon pointed out and Alex bit her lip.

"Yes," she sighed, "I do, don't I?" She couldn't help worrying. She had a protective instinct when it came to Kim and Robin. Quite aside from her extra-curricular activities with Kim they had formed such a bond through the time they'd known one another that Alex wanted to make sure no one caused them any pain, which was easier said than done. Since Kim had discovered she was pregnant Alex had been even more protective of her. She didn't want to admit that Kim's absence was worrying her so the best way to deny it was to ignore it altogether. "Where's James?"

Simon's brow furrowed as he rubbed his eyes.

"Don't know," he said quietly, "I'm about to start looking for him. I wondered if Kim was here. I wanted to talk to her first. She's the only person I still need to... to..." he shrugged, not sure how to label what he'd been doing.

"Put the spin on?" Alex asked, somewhat cheekily and Simon gave a strained laugh.

"It's not spin, it's fact," he said and Alex nodded, somewhat darkly.

"I know," she said tightly, "but as I'm sure you know, we need to see for ourselves."

"It would help if I could at least find him," Simon commented.

"Have you actually looked yet?" Alex asked, met with a silence and gave a sigh. "Why not?"

Simon shook his head.

"You know why not," he said, "nothing's changed in the last fifteen minutes."

"Go and find him," Alex urged Simon, "he'll be there, somewhere."

Simon nodded as he spoke

"I know," he said softly, not sure of that at all. If James was still on the premises, which he very much doubted, then Simon would have to face up to the fact he'd left him to fend for himself whilst he smoothed the path over elsewhere. He hoped he wasn't going to have to make a choice between those two options very often because he was already drowning in guilt and he couldn't find his armbands.

~xXx~

James shuddered involuntarily as he stared at the figure in the doorway. The light was against them so he had to strain to make out their features but as he stared a little more closely he felt something starting to twitch and jump in the back of his mind.

"Do I know you?" he whispered with a genuine question. As he spoke, the figure shifted a little and their features caught the light a little easier, binging a dark sense of anxiety across James's shoulders. His face took on the greyness of a man who'd waged a thousand wars as he whispered, "I know you."

"Yes," Kim nodded slowly as she took a slow step forward, determined to overcome the instinct to turn and run that had set in from the moment she's caught sight of him; the man who owned the same face she'd seen glowering and gloating at her over and over again, "you do." She paused and bit her lip, feeling her heart speed up from the wisp of fear that sat on the edge of her memory, not quite intruding but making its presence known. "You do. You know me." She stopped in front of him and peered down at him, unable to equate the small-looking, feeble soul she'd heard crying aloud with the force of horror and fear who had terrorised all who stood for good and right. "Do you know..." she hesitated anxiously, "how you know me?"

James looked at her.

"N-" he began but almost instantly his expression changed. For a horrifying moment Kim thought someone had shot him in the chest, such was the pain that crossed his features.

"Are you OK?" Kim asked quietly, carefully adding, "James?" to the end of her question

James didn't know how to respond and sat still and silent for quite some time, pinned into place with fear. There were fragments of memories just out of reach but they brought with them such strong physical sensations that he felt like he was being ripped into pieces by a pack of savage dogs.

He couldn't handle it; didn't know how to, couldn't stand the pain, then out of the thunderous clouds of darkness a tiny fragment of light shone through, blinding the wild-dog memories that threatened to rip him to shreds, then scaring them back into the dark. He stared at Kim as a strong, vivid memory played through his head.

"I remember you," he whispered. He swallowed very hard, his knuckles showing the strain as he clasped the back of his chair tightly, "you were there... in the hospital."

Kim blinked, more confused than ever.

"What hospital?" she whispered, "when?"

"My tape," James's mouth grew dry and he could barely form coherent sentences as the memory played on; "they made me watch it... I was... dying." He shuddered violently and shook his head, "but you were there. And the others... they just... stared," his gaze met Kim's and held it as he continued, "but you," he swallowed, trembling visibly by now, "you held out your arms," he watched Kim's expression as her lip wavered, "and you hugged me. You didn't mock me or yell or... or anything, you just..." he spluttered, finding it impossible to finish his sentences. He choked on spittle, gasping as he tried to rein in the mix of confused emotions that were gnawing through him before he finally managed to choke out a question. "Why?"

Kim swallowed very hard, her tongue skimming her lips as they dried out fast. She remembered that day, she remembered it all too well. She doubted any of them could forget.

"Why what?" she whispered, hoping her voice was audible.

James was still shaking, and visibly so as he replied.

"Why did you do that? Like I was... like I deserved it? Like I was," he felt himself shudder involuntarily, "human?"

Kim's mind didn't even have a chance to think about her answer, in much the same way as she'd had no chance to think about her actions back that day.

"Because you were," her voice didn't shake, even though her body did, "you were as human in that instant as you are sitting here today."

Her words couldn't have surprised James more.

"You don't see him?" he whispered as Kim shook her head violently.

"No."

James swallowed.

"Everybody else did," he barely strung his sentence together, "they looked at my face and saw him."

"Well I'm not everybody," whether she meant it to or not Kim's voice sounded a little cross with the whole idea of it, "I can't be." She found herself shaking her head slowly, "not if I want to stay sane. Not if I want to survive this." She could see James's lips moving, trying to ask questions out loud that she didn't want to hear so she knew she had to become coherent fast. "They looked at you," she held her voice steady, "and they saw it. The monster. The other part of you -"

"He's no part of me," James voice rose for the first time, disgusted with the idea of it.

Kim changed her head-shaking to a nod briefly.

"Well, good," she interrupted her own flow, "Good. I'm glad to hear you say that. Because that's the only way you can survive this, too. The only way to keep yourself sane." She licked her lips and closed her eyes as she pulled her thoughts back on track. "They looked at you and saw him. It." She growled with anger at the memory of Jim Keats, "that monster. The one who used your life and your body to run amok in this world, and others." She found herself panting slightly as her breath disappeared, "I can't do that. I can't do that, because if I have to look at that monster's face every day for the next thirty years when I come into work all I'll see are the memories and flashes that I've been trying to bury for the past year. They want to see 'him' because they need someone to lash out at... something to channel all their anger and revulsion into so they don't want to look at you and see you... a man... because they'll have nowhere to channel all that hate. All that hurt."

James swallowed anxiously. He could hear sense behind Kim's words but there was so much he still couldn't make sense of.

"And what about you?" he whispered, "what about your hate and hurt?"

Kim rubbed her eyes roughly, partly to stop herself from letting any errant tears escape and partly to give herself something to do; a distraction from her words as she tried not to let them affect her.

"Oh, they're there," she whispered, "believe me, they're not going anywhere. But mis-focused anger is what started this in the first place." She could see confusion on James's face and tried to give a short-hand version of the thoughts racing round and round in her mind. "You came to this world before; younger, a bitter man. You let what happened to you corrupt you and wanted to lash out at the world. The result... the result was the monster who inhabited your body for the past few decades. You made a deal with the devil and he took control. Eventually there was nothing left of the man you used to be. The man..." she let out her breath and tried to calm herself, "the man you are again." She looked at him, shaking imperceptibly, "throwing all my hatred and fury at you isn't going to get me anywhere and it's not going to help you. I'll never heal from what -" he hesitated. She'd come so close to saying 'what you put me through'. It was so fucking difficult to know how to phrase anything to do with Keats now, "- what happened," she continued eventually, "if I keep looking for reasons to remember." She moved a little closer, relieved James didn't reel back in fear. "So when I look at your face I don't want to see him. I want to see someone different. Someone human. Someone I can't blame for everything that happened to us. I want to see a man on his first day, not a monster coming back to haunt us again, and again, and again." She closed her eyes and wiped her hand against the leg of her jeans, then held it out towards him, trying as hard as she could to hide her nerves. "So, hi." Her words sounded stilted but they were sincere, "I'm Kim Stringer. Good to meet you."

James stared at her hand, scared that it was some sort of trick. He expected her to form it into a fist and punch him or to be hiding a hand buzzer that would give him an electric shock if he dared to touch her but neither happened as he eventually reached forward and clasped his shaking hand around her own. He felt a little like a child shaking a big, scary adult's hand for the first time, like he wasn't really sure how to do it. His handshake felt extremely weak compared to the one he received from her but it was genuine from both sides and that was the only important thing about it.

"Hi, Kim," he whispered. He cleared his throat and tried to talk a little louder as he continued, "My name's James. I'm Simon's new DI." She coughed, "DCI Shoebury's, I mean."

Kim felt a little awkward for so many reasons. The handshake was still sitting between them; despite Kim releasing her hand James seemed reluctant to let her hand go as though the moment he did she would start behaving like the others had to him, but she couldn't stand there with one arm out all day so she pulled hers back a little roughly and he let go.

"I heard," she said, clearing her throat. "About you and Simon."

James felt his anxiety return almost as soon as it had started to wane.

"Is... that OK?" he asked, not altogether sure why it wouldn't be, "Oh god!"

Kim frowned.

"Oh god what?"

"I don't know!" James flustered. He realised that he'd been so scared about the reactions he'd get for working in the station that he'd forgotten to be nervous about the reactions he'd get to being in a relationship with Simon.

"Stop panicking," Kim held up her hand, "you might get a few homophobic insults from the Guv but aside from Marci's intranet gossip circuit -"

"The what?!" James felt his anxiety rise again.

"You're not going to get any hassle for who you're with here. Not any more."

"Oh," James bit his lip, "good."

He'd barely had a moment to relax before a seemingly angry Kim loomed up in his face and a fist appeared from nowhere.

"However," she began, causing James to shriek, "I'm going to give you one warning and you'll do well to listen to it. You hurt Simon, just once, just one teeny tiny time and you're going to need a different stretcher for every bone in your body. Is that clear?"

James screamed and scrambled away.

"What happened to everything you were saying?!" he cried, "All the stuff about not blaming me? Not thinking I'm the same as him?!"

"I'm not saying this as your colleague, I'm saying this as Simon's best friend," Kim told him sternly, "he's been through a lot, none of it good. He's spent a very long time alone and miserable, through no fault of his own." If truth be told she still felt a little guilty about that from time to time. "Simon deserves some happiness. He deserves someone who'll make him happy. He seems to believe that man is you." she stared him in the eye. "Don't let him down."

"I won't," James's head shook, "I won't. I wouldn't."

"Good." Kim closed her eyes and her posture changed. The threat was gone, for now. James was. However, very sure that Kim had Simon's back.

"I'm glad," he said quietly.

"Glad of what?" Kim frowned.

James didn't even realise he'd spoken out loud. He looked at her nervously and whispered.

"That he has you watching out for him." He fidgeted nervously in his seat, "I won't hurt him. I swear."

Kim stared at him and nodded slowly.

"Good." she hesitated, aware very suddenly of the silence that had fallen between them. She shuffled on the spot and slipped her hands in her pockets. "So...?"

James blinked.

"What?"

"So are you going to sit here on your own all day, investigating the dust under the desks, or are you going to come out of there and remind Simon he actually has work to do?"

James hesitated, his pulse rising from the thought of facing the rest of the station. The angry screams and furious glares he'd received that morning left a scar upon his new life. It was going to be hard to get beyond that barrier. But as he thought about Kim's warning he realised how many friends Simon had there... what they meant to him... yet even so he'd risked them all for their relationship and a chance for James to have a life of his own. That kind of courage helped James to make his decision, and as Kim held her hand out to help him to his feet there wasn't much of a decision left to be made.

"I can't really say no, can I?" he gave a nervous half-laugh and climbed to his feet.

"No," Kim told him, "you can't." she nodded towards the door. "You've already missed half your first day. Don't leave your DCI to do his own filing." She rolled her eyes. "Aside from anything he'll take all year about it." There was a tiny smile at the side of James's mouth. "Come on. Go."

James nodded with a strange feeling of warmth rising through his chest. He could still feel those ravaging dogs of guilt barking away in the back of his mind but if one of the people he'd scarred the most could see past the features he wore then maybe, in time, the others could too. That was a future worth fighting for.

With another nod he walked toward the doorway and passed Kim.

"Yes, Guv," he said.