It was a busy day in the Mishima household. The bedrooms were empty, the living room was vacant, even the bathrooms were inoccupado. So why is it busy, you ask?
"Kazzy darling, pass me the paprika!"
"Where is it?"
"Top shelf!"
"I'm looking on the top shelf, and I don't see no paprika!"
"It's THERE! Would you just look harder?!"
"It's NOT- oh, here it is. Behind the salt, heh heh."
"You idiot..."
Yes, the kitchen was bustling with the perpetual movements and back and forth banter of the happily married couple, who was preparing the romantic dinner they had planned for so many weeks. Jun was making her legendary duck soup and steamed dumplings, and Kazuya was even pitching in with a helping hand surprisingly.
"Baby, keep stirring while I- S-SLOW DOWN! You're sloshing it all over the counter!"
"I'm sorry, honey! My hands aren't as tiny and delicate as yours. Sheesh!"
"Okay okay, I'm sorry. Just take the dumplings out of the steamer please."
After a few hours of mayhem and messes (mostly on Kazuya's part), the dinner was finally complete. Kazuya widened his eyes in awe as Jun laid it out on the table. At that moment, his mouth couldn't stay dry even if he was dehydrated.
"Oh hell yes. Baby, that dinner looks sexier than you right now. No offense." Kazuya proclaimed, avoiding eye contact with Jun for multiple reasons. The main reason was his distraction by the heavenly feast on the table.
"I dunno whether to be offended by that or not, but whatever." Jun said, rolling her eyes. She put on a cute smile and walked over to her chair, leaning against it.
"Will you seat me, kind sir?" she asked with a tiny giggle.
"Why certainly, madame." Kazuya said in a cheesy polite voice. He walked over to Jun's chair and pulled it back slightly. Taking her hand, he gently sat her down and pushed her chair forward.
"Thank you, sweetie." Jun replied, planting a kiss on his cheek.
Kazuya placed some utensils on Jun's side and then placed some on his. Then, he prepared to sit down as well. He couldn't wait another second to sink his teeth into Jun's succulent roasted duck. The steam of her pork dumplings filled his nostrils and made sweet love to his insides, which were warming up from the sweet, inviting aroma of the meal.
Kazuya pulled his chair back. And just as he prepared to sit...
"I'M HOOOOOOME!" a voice boomed throughout the house. Kazuya and Jun nearly leaped out of their chairs when they heard the very familiar, obnoxious, unfortunate voice. They simultaneously banged their heads against the table when they heard it.
"Kazuya... he's-"
"I know. Just be patient."
"We are not gonna let him ruin this dinner. We've been waiting for too long!"
"Just let me handle it."
Kazuya left the kitchen and made his way to the living room, where a very unwelcome guest had made himself comfortable in the recliner. The awful odor of his old bunion infested feet were only matched by the smell of his sweaty armpits full of gray hair. There was only one person who could be this vile and have no qualms about ruining someone's evening...
"I didn't know you were back so soon, pops." Kazuya muttered. His hand on his forehead.
"Yeah, well bingo sucked. Wang fell asleep and drooled all over my card, so I swapped with him. Then as it turns out, my card was the first winner! Wang won a two year supply of Gold Bond and I didn't get bear crap! Ain't that a fuckin bitch!"
"Dad, please... my wife's in the kitchen. She can hear you."
"I don't give a moldy ass! Hey, somethin smells good. Y'all been cookin?"
"N-NO!" Kazuya blurted.. "No, we haven't. Look, if I give you some money will you just go stay at a hotel or something? You can find you a nice 80 year old piece of ass or even younger if you-"
"Sorry but Heihachi Mishima is not going anywhere, boy! I've already gotten comfortable, and my old wrinkly ass intends to stay here for the rest of the- WHAT IS THAT GODDAMN SMELL?!"
Tired of wondering what that sweet, beautiful aroma teasing his nostrils was, Heihachi got up from the recliner and made his way to the kitchen. As soon as he entered the kitchen, his eyes widened when he saw the kickass dinner that had been prepared. Jun looked at him with an awkward smile and a wave.
"H-hi, Daddy Mishima." Jun said with an uncomfortable chuckle.
Heihachi was at a loss for words right now. In fact, his old black heart was breaking in two right now. How could his own son and daughter-in-law prepare such an amazing dinner and leave HIM out?!
"Son... Miss Kazama... I am truly offended." Heihachi said.
"Why?" Jun asked. She yelped and leaped from her chair when Heihachi brought his fist down on the table and cracked it down the middle.
"M-M-MY TABLE!"
"YOU KNOW WHY!" Heihachi bellowed. "How dare you prepare such an awesome feast and not even tell your own father!"
"Pops, this is a ROMANTIC dinner." Kazuya replied. "And last time I checked, there was no love of ANY kind between us."
"Oh yeah? Well daddy deserves some kitchen lovin too! What about all the years I had to take care your sniveling butt?"
"Um... you never took care of me. In fact, you threw me off a cliff. You should be grateful I even let you into our house!"
"Honey..." Jun chimed in. "There's more than enough for three. Let me just-"
"NO!" Kazuya screamed. "This is MY dinner! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!"
"Not anymore it's not!" Heihachi yelled. Without warning, he snatched the pot of duck soup off the table and took off out of the kitchen.
"H-HEY!" Kazuya screamed. "Return this duck soup this instant!"
"Suck my shriveled balls!" Heihachi retorted, flipping Kazuya off. With a growl, Kazuya started to chase his father around the house.
"Honey! Honey, please!' Jun begged. "You're just making things worse!"
But Kazuya didn't listen. He continued to chase Heihachi all around the house, the duck soup sloshing around in his father's arms. Heihachi threw shoes at his feet to hinder his movement, then decided to aim pillows at his face. But no matter what, Kazuya kept pressing forward.
"Damn you old man... you are not ruining our romantic evening! I want that duck soup and I want it NOW!"
"Sorry, boy! You're gonna be feasting on spam and saltines tonight!"
Heihachi rounded a corner and set down the pot, preparing for an ambush. He could hear Kazuya's footsteps fast approaching. With a snicker, he drew his head back. As soon as he saw Kazuya's blood red eye poke out, he unleashed his head like a catapult.
"Surprise, motherfucker!"
Kazuya was dazed by the intense skull bash. As he stumbled around trying to regain his vision, all he could see was four blurry Heihachis running away laughing. That's all he saw before everything went black.
ONE HOUR LATER
"Baby? Baby, are you okay?"
After a one hour coma, Kazuya's eyes finally shot open as he leaped out of bed and got into stance.
"WHERE IS HE?! I'll strangle him with the sagging skin of his nutsack!"
"Honey, he's gone. Please lay back down..."
Kazuya wanted to go after him, but his throbbing head helped him reconsider. With a groan, Kazuya laid back on the bed and Jun placed an ice pack on his forehead. All he could do was lay there and weep for the loss of their beautiful, tasty dinner.
"Did... did he take all of our dinner?" Kazuya asked.
"Yes... he stole the whole pot of duck soup. Five minutes later, he came back for the dumplings. I would have stopped him, but I was more worried about you at the moment. I thought you were dead."
"That bastard... I'm so sorry he ruined our evening, Jun."
"It's okay, honey."
Jun gave him a small peck on the temple and crawled into bed with him, resting her head against his neck. She put her hands on his chest and gently traced his muscular pecs. Already, Kazuya was feeling better.
"You see honey, we don't have to worry about it. And you know why? Because the universe takes care of people like that. Bad people like your father always get what they deserve in the end."
"Ughh... I'll take your word for it. Wanna go to sleep?"
"Yeah, let me get the light."
"Jun? Will you rub my forehead until I fall asleep?"
"Of course, sweetie. And in the morning, I think a big breakfast will fix you right up."
"Oh, thank you... I love you so much."
And that night, Heihachi DID get what he deserved. While he did get to enjoy a delicious meal of duck soup and steamed dumplings, the diarrhea that ensued afterwards was the most painful, excruciating experience he would ever experience. He fell asleep on the toilet of his hotel room that night, his asshole burning and the extra roll of toilet paper far out of reach.