Author's Note: I'm sobbing because...cheesecake.

Day One-Hundred Nine: If Only by Gin Wigmore

It was really dark and dank in there.

I could tell you every little detail about the view of the room from the starched, tense bed I slept in those nights at Radley. That image will forever be ingrained in my mind, like a scar that'll never fade; the memory will always be there.

And I remember being lonely.

There was this feeling of yearning and an ache for company. There were hunger pangs for a friend, a confidant, or really…anyone.

I realized there was something really wrong the moment I lost you. The moment I really lost you, forever. Because even though I know that you were a part of them, I still will always believe there was a part of you that was always with me.

I realized something was wrong with me. I didn't know if it was depression. I didn't know anything anymore. I only knew two things. I wanted answers. And I loved you.

Maybe I knew a third thing, too. I knew I couldn't do anything—overcome A, make it out of Rosewood, or even survive—on my own.

That might've been the first time I ever admitted to myself that I needed help. I wanted your help. But you were gone.

So I looked around the room. I wanted a sign of life. Maybe a sign of hope? I looked and looked through every corner of that room, and I saw nothing. I just had the visual of the girl I so loathed in the same exact spot as me.

It was like she was there, sitting in that damned chair, taunting me. She was smirking at me. I could feel her ghost smirking at me with that smug, remorseless look on her face.

I'd really like to get up and hit that stupid ghost, but I knew it wasn't there. Besides, if I caused a scene like that, they'd put me in a straitjacket and certainly lock me up here for life. They'd never believe what I saw…what I knew…I don't even know if Aria, Emily, and Hanna would believe me.

I just wanted them to see things from my point of view, for once! I just wanted someone to see what I saw and feel what I felt before they passed judgment. Maybe I should've listened to you when you were around…you were the one so slow and so cautious to pass judgment on other people. I wish I had learned that lesson from you.

But I was too stupid, too ignorant, and too proud to ever listen and take it all in.

And now…you're not here anymore to listen to what I have to say. I have to pretend to speak with you, internally, or I have to act like you can hear me from the afterlife. I wish I could break past that frame of mind, but I can't.

Maybe if I wasn't so fucking crazy, you wouldn't have turned against me. Maybe—just maybe—you would've been willing to risk everything to be with me…not that I deserved it. At least, that's what would've happened in a perfect world.

I wished you were still alive and at least tangible. Then and there, I could only picture you sitting in front of me—another sign that I was truly fucking crazy. But in my mind, you'd be sitting there and listening to everything I said. For once, I would feel…accepted. That was how I always felt with you, but after finding out about your betrayal, I began to second guess everything you ever said to me. But I think that maybe I shouldn't have. I knew that it could've all been a story, but I didn't want to believe it all to be a lie. I didn't believe it was a lie; not really.

But the one thing I'd always wonder…could you hear me? Could you see me? Could you feel me? Was your love strong enough to do all of that and transcend the barrier between the afterlife and the mortal world?

I still don't know. Maybe I never will. I guess now, I just have to stand on my own. A little bit of me wanted to stand on my own.

But most of me thought about what you would do if you saw me now.

If only you were still around.

LittleBittyAbby: I hate when all people write is "please update" because it gives me nothing to work with; I guess I just assume you read it and liked it, but that doesn't really give me anything to improve. Even if someone doesn't give me constructive criticism (which a lot of people actually don't), I at least like to know you really read it/what you liked/what you didn't like. For me, it was a year I think on March 30th. And I didn't even realize #oops

Sarah:Nope, this one was actually perfect. But thanks for thinking that :) Glad you liked it and hope you liked this one.

MizzFizzRizz: There's ONE jazz dancer in your entire studio? I took ballet/tap/jazz when I was a baby (from when I was probably either 2 or 3 until I was like 6/7, I think) and then I took tap/jazz when I was 10. The dance teacher was nice, though. It was a small studio, and I went with a friend and she had a lyrical class before our tap and jazz class, so I'd dance in the back with them. It's kind of like I took lyrical for a year, too :) By the way, I was dancing in my basement yesterday (like a doofus) and I GOT A DOUBLE PIROUETTE and I've been dancing for like 2 months. I'm so happy. My friend Michelle has been dancing since forever and she says that SOMETIMES she can get a double pirouette. Of course, her technique and flexibility and everything else is way better than mine, but I did it! And I looked in the mirror when I do a la secondes and my arms actually look to be quite parallel to the floor (which I'm very surprised about). Oops, tangent. Well, at least you made it up to the kid.

Guest (I'mTooLazyToLogIn): I like your "name". Very innovative :) Well...I know Spanish, so I guess that's kind of cheating since the syntax is kind of similar, but don't feel bad; I used Google Translate for most of it (and a girl in French III for the rest of it). At least you learned something!

AL3110: *sigh* you have literally not experienced life. Cheesecake does NOT taste like cheese (and what cheese are you talking about? American? Swiss? Provolone? I'm confused), unless the cheese you are talking about is cream cheese, which it is primarily made up of. It's like cream cheese but much sweeter and OMG THEY HAVE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE CHEESECAKE AND THAT IS LEGIT MY FAVE. Oh, get over it, you baby. It's delicious. I promise you. *sigh* alright, but when you realize how awkward it is, you're going to WISH you had taken my advice and told your dad. Please just tell your father? Please? You can see a better show. Like, a really good one, like Phantom or Chicago (which I heard is a bit racy but certainly better than BOM) or even Wicked. But I wanted to see Wicked with you. No, wait, go see Newsies! That one is good. Or If/Then. But you might not see Idina. No, don't go see If/Then without Idina...I might see If/Then with Idina *sobbing* It took me like three minutes to remember which song of hers that was from. That's how tired I was last night.

I hit my double-pirouette which I am SUPER DUPER EXCITED ABOUT. I didn't realize how nerdy that just sounded. oops. As you can see, I'm getting back into dance and stuffs.

The next one-shot is Miles by Christina Perri...which I still have to finish...

I haven't had to finish a one-shot to update since like...I can't even remember. Before #33, that's for sure.

Alright, well, please leave me a review/follow/favourite! I love seeing e-mails about FanFiction! -Kayson