It Takes Time

By: Le tired

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or its characters, blah blah blah, etc.

Rated: M.

Author's Notes: I HAVE RETURNED. After 2 years. Yowza. Apologies to anyone who actually waited around, but I had good reason. I nearly died, had an emergency surgery that turned into a few more emergency surgeries, got to have septic shock and be on a ventilator and be in the ICU for a month, had blood clots go to my lungs, lost a good portion of my small intestines and one of my ovaries as well. I had to quit my job that I loved and move back in with the parents, and I've spent a huge portion of my time repeatedly learning to walk, then run again, and lift objects, and train my GI system to process solid food again. I still can't eat raw vegetables, I have a giant zipper scar running down my stomach, and I probably can't have children unless I use in vitro fertilization. Oh, and I had to break ties with my fiancé of sorts (we did the promise ring thing, but then he said he never really meant it).

SO…HitsuMatsu fiction, lovely as it is, kinda had to take a backseat, and I hope y'all won't hate me too much for it. And for anyone who recognizes me from my tale of woe, hey and congrats on finding my fanfic and don't judge me and my writing too harshly!

…okay, in more story-related news, this is one of the prerequisite angst chapters (can't have romance and drama without some tension!). Pretty mild, I would say, compared to some other fics I've read, but it's meant to start bringing more attention to what I perceive would be the biggest challenge to Hitsugaya and Matsumoto's romantic relationship. A lot of other fics make the conflict about how one character still loves someone else (Gin/Hinamori), and while that's definitely a factor which I still touch upon because it's important, I think the problem actually boils down to a more basic, internal issue: communication. I think Hitsu and Matsu are depicted as real good at understanding one another and all that unspoken chemistry is what I love about them, but what I've also seen is that they're all about supporting the other person through actions and not words, and not causing him/her any trouble on their behalf. They don't share their problems or more negative feelings and just try to deal with shit on their own (*coughDiamondDustRebellioncough*). It's testament to their considerate and selfless personalities and why, I believe, they do so well as friends and teammates, but it's going to be a limiting factor going forward as romantic partners. Again, it's less dramatic than a love triangle and there aren't going to be episodes of mega crying and shouting and love confessions, but I think it's a more realistic problem so I decided to go that route. How successful I am, we shall see :P.

Okay, I wrote too much so I'm skipping my replies/thanks to the reviewers this time…there'll be a giant response section in the next chapter instead! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this update!

Chapter 28

Matsumoto sighed contentedly and settled back into the sofa as she reached out to turn on the television with a click of the remote control. Behind her in the kitchen, she could hear dishes being clinked around as her captain cleaned up. Come to think of it, he'd asked her to help wash the dishes…but that was too tiring, and he was clearly still overwrought with the damage to the kitchen to really care about her slacking. Shrugging, she returned her attention to the television.

There were some good fashion shows on, and Matsumoto was enjoying herself thoroughly, when her taichou plopped down on the opposite end of the sofa, arms crossed.

"Everything all right, taichou?" She dipped one hand into the bag of chips she'd found lying about the apartment and fished out a chip. She bit into it with a crunch.

"Fine," Hitsugaya grunted, staring ahead but obviously not really watching the television.

"Do you want to watch any program in particular, taichou?" Matsumoto licked delicately at her fingers after finishing the chip.

Hitsugaya didn't answer. Instead, he looked over at her, frowning. "How can you still eat after just having dinner?"

"It's dessert, taichou," Matsumoto replied easily. She stretched lazily, then climbed on all fours over to lay her head on her taichou's lap.

He lifted his arms reflexively to make room for her head, but then glared at her, his unspoken irritation at the breach of his personal space evident. "Do I look like a cushion, Matsumoto?"

"Whaaat? I'm tired, taichou," Matsumoto whined, nuzzling harder against him. She loved the wintry, masculine scent her taichou always seemed to carry about him. "After slaving in that kitchen for so long, I think I deserve some proper rest. Have some sympathy, taichou!"

Hitsugaya pursed his lips, clearly trying to stop himself from arguing (because he knew he'd lose eventually). Finally, he sighed and snatched up the remote control to distract himself by flipping channels. Matsumoto smiled, and took his actions as a sign to cuddle more comfortably up against him.

They were affably silent for a few minutes. Finally, Matsumoto spoke up curiously. "Ne, taichou, was everything ok this afternoon?"

Click, click, went the remote. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…" Matsumoto hesitated, not sure how to word the question. "After I left, Yamamoto-soutaichou asked you to stay and talk to someone…" She tried to keep her voice light, knowing it was already a touchy subject.

She could feel her taichou's body stiffen, though he continued clicking away with the remote with admirable calm. "Aa, it was Hinamori. She woke up recently, it would seem."

"That's good," Matsumoto responded noncomittally, noticing out of the corner of her eye the way her taichou's free hand was clenching. She was immediately reminded of the time he'd squeezed her wrists during the massage. God, that had hurt...in more than one way. "I hope she's doing all right."

"She's…fine." There was a huge gap between those two words uttered, filled with so many unspoken words and emotions. Although she knew they weren't forthcoming, Matsumoto waited, hoping against hope Hitsugaya would open up to her.

When he didn't, she simply sighed and turned over to watch the television as well. Hitsugaya had finally stopped clicking, settling on a soccer game. How boring. Well, the soccer players could be pretty cute.

Well, she wouldn't have to worry about being dumped just yet. Not that she'd been that concerned about it—in fact, it hadn't even occurred to her at that moment, Matsumoto realized. If there had been such any sort of romantic interaction between Hitsugaya and Hinamori as she'd envisioned earlier, her taichou would have surely acted differently. Probably a lot goofier. Instead, tonight, Matsumoto picked up a hardness to him and the air around him. It wasn't obvious; she couldn't really put a finger on any particular giveaway sign. But over the years of knowing him, it would seem she'd developed a sixth sense to Hitsugaya's inner state. He was holding himself just a little more stiffly, his brow creased just slightly more. His eyes…ah, those beautiful clear blue-green eyes…were looking into some troubled distance that he felt he would have to walk alone.

It made her heart thump in a sickening fashion as it sunk in that whatever had transpired earlier that afternoon had hurt her darling taichou. And she hadn't been around to support him.

A hundred screaming thoughts ran in a whirlwhind through her mind. What indeed could Hinamori have said? Hitsugaya-taichou was such a forgiving and understanding person (and granted Hinamori even more allowances with his temper than he did with others), and Hinamori was a polite and sensitive girl—it was hard to think up a realistic scenario that would lead to Hitsugaya being this upset. After all, Hinamori attacking Hitsugaya was an accident. Matsumoto was positive the two of them still shared the same strong affection they possessed for one another. It wasn't like they were going to insult or anger one another openly. The only way Hinamori could have hurt Hitsugaya was by inadvertently saying something…something about Aizen maybe?

It was the only idea Matsumoto had—that the innocent fifth division fukutaichou was still holding onto some feelings for the crazy bastard. Which was pretty hard to believe, given the cold and hard facts of what he'd done…until you realized Hinamori had been in love, and such an emotion can easily overthrow all the facts in the world.

Matsumoto understood. But, sneaking looks at her taichou while feigning one-eyed yawns, she wondered if Hitsugaya had been able to grasp that concept through his pain. Even if it hadn't been a deeply personal wound, she suspected it would be difficult for him to comprehend his friend's reaction. She had no doubt Hitsugaya loved as passionately as the next person did—the problem was, he hardly allowed his emotions to sway his thought process or actions, for fear of doing the wrong thing. He was too selfless in this respect, she thought—when love itself was often at times inherently a selfish emotion. You would sacrifice all for the one of your affection…but what of others that you've by definition placed after your love?

Matsumoto had no answer. Before she met Hitsugaya, she would have said that Gin came first, above all else, without hesitation. She owed her life and happiness and all that she was as a person to Gin. Nothing, not Soul Society itself, could equal his worth. Or so she'd thought…but after working with Hitsugaya-taichou, something in her must have changed. Hitsugaya changed her. Otherwise, she wouldn't have drawn her zanpakuto to counter Gin's that night before she had time to think about it. She wouldn't have knelt there, feeling the cracks in Haineko resound through her, and yet braced herself to follow through with her threat to fight the person she loved most in the world.

It hadn't been for anyone. Not Hitsugaya-taichou—she hadn't awakened to her feelings for him at that time. But…she had realized that there was something perhaps even more important than whatever she shared with Gin. She'd realized there were other things in the world precious to her. And one of those things was the basic sense of right and wrong that had come alive in her, burning so hotly even all her love for Gin couldn't compare for that moment. It had left her with only one choice. Or maybe there had been no choice all along.

But love was different for everyone. Some could see through the blinders better than others. Matsumoto could hardly blame poor Hinamori when she herself had also been deceived by Gin—maybe not as badly, but then again, she hadn't been used as actively in their plot, had she?

It was a lot to think about, and Matsumoto was almost positive Hitsugaya hadn't thought about it in that light. Hell, he most likely hadn't allowed himself the proper time to process the event and indulge in any sadness or hurt he'd felt. Most likely, he'd channeled all of it into anger and plans to solve the problem by killing Aizen. Another glance at her captain's clenched jaw and Matsumoto confirmed it for herself. Yep, he'd blocked out everything but the anger.

She thought about covering his hand with hers and telling him that it was all right—she'd be here for him. He could confide in her, pour out all those bottled, frustrated, and tormented feelings of his. He could be himself around her, she would be his support.

But…they were just too far apart. Or maybe she was just a coward. Either way, Matsumoto balked at the idea and couldn't bring herself to do it. She and Hitsugaya-taichou had been close friends (though he'd deny it for sure) for decades now, but this new element of their relationship was still fresh. And before they started down this path, she was fairly certain Hinamori had been off-limits for discussion. She wouldn't have been too happy if Hitsugaya brought up Gin. Ha! She wouldn't be too happy if he brought Gin up now, either. It'd just be so awkward…because she couldn't deny still being in love with another man as well. Plus…the pain was still there.

Matsumoto sighed, careful not to keep it quiet so her astute taichou didn't pick up on it. There was still so much she and Hitsugaya had to say to one another. But when would they be ready? Would they ever be ready?

Ahead on the blaring television screen, the black and white ball found its way to the goal, and the crowds went wild cheering.

Matsumoto closed her eyes.

Toshirou was feeling somewhat antsy getting ready for bed. It occurred to him, now that Inoue was gone, one of his last excuses regarding intimate behavior between him and Matsumoto had gone up in smoke. Given their recent trend of engaging in sexual shenanigans every night, it seemed more than likely Matsumoto would want similar attention from him tonight. And as embarrassing as it was for him, he couldn't deny that he didn't feel the same want.

Usually.

Tonight, he…didn't think he was up for it. It was lousy of him, he supposed, and unfair to Matsumoto, but the shock of seeing and talking to Hinamori hadn't worn off. His heart remained a leaden weight in his chest, and the sensation spread from there to the rest of his body and limbs. Hinamori would never be the same. His most precious childhood friend—the old Hinamori that he knew—was dead. Killing Aizen would bring him even more satisfaction than ever now, yet even as he imagined the life leaving the bastard's eyes in his bloodied face, he also saw Hinamori's stricken expression. She'd never consciously blame him, he didn't think, but what could you feel for the person who killed the man you loved? Especially after you'd essentially begged him not to?

Their friendship could very well be dead too. Years and years of training and fighting to stay at her side, and this was what it had come to. Toshirou felt downright sick.

A quiet click alerted him to Matsumoto's exit from the bathroom. He looked up as she entered, ready in case she was trying the only-wearing-a-towel scheme like last time.

But she was dressed comfortably in pajamas.

Toshirou relaxed a little.

"Are you ready for bed, taichou?" Matsumoto knelt down, a safe distance away from him, and smoothed out some wrinkles on her bedsheet. "Thank you for setting out the beds."

"It's nothing." He wondered if he should say anything, to let Matsumoto know he wasn't in the mood before she got excited. He didn't want to disappoint her. But what was he supposed to say? Hands off the goods tonight, Matsumoto. I'm thinking about Hinamori. Yes, that would go over well.

"Something on your mind, taichou?"

Always. A million and one things. None of which I know how to broach. "Not really. I'm just…tired." Would she get the hint?

Matsumoto smiled, one of her sweet smiles that always left him with a confusing, fluttering warmth. "I know, taichou. You've had a long day, what with learning Aizen's plans and…talking to, er, people. Ahem. Make sure to get a lot of good sleep tonight!"

With that, she lifted up her covers and crawled under, back facing him.

He stared at her, surprised at how easily that had gone. It was hard to believe, but it appeared he was getting a free pass for tonight. What a stroke of luck!

Pulling his own covers over his body, Toshirou lay down and continued eyeing Matsumoto's supine form next to him. Was it luck, really? She was giving him way more distance than usual. Even if she knew he was too tired to deal with her, it wasn't like Matsumoto to back away so entirely. She'd still be teasing him, prattling on about pointless things that only enraged him. Matsumoto was never this polite unless she thought he was seriously upset and needed peace of mind.

Could it be…she'd guessed his inner turmoil regarding Hinamori? But how? She'd been long gone from the room when Hinamori had her outburst.

Feeling a strange guilt, Toshirou turned over so he could no longer see his lieutenant, though there was no blocking out her deep, even breaths. Why does it matter how? She must have guessed. Matsumoto wasn't stupid. In fact, she was almost preternaturally astute when it came to detecting people's emotions.

And understanding them.

She'd known how he was feeling long before he'd thought of it, and wordlessly, selflessly given him the emotional support he needed. As she always did. Toshirou's guilt intensified.

Again, he wondered, was this something he should try to address aloud with Matsumoto? It had to be hurting her. But wouldn't it just hurt her more to discuss it? To admit even her presence and affection wasn't enough to chase away his demons? It wasn't like there was anything they could do or change. He'd just be rubbing salt into a wound. In the end, wanting to talk was just a selfish way to make himself feel less lousy as a person without actually altering anything.

He'd make it up to her. Somehow. Maybe. In his morbidly imaginative mind, Matsumoto's miserable face appeared beside Hinamori's, mirroring his friend's sorrowful expression, staring at him with a mixture of disappointment and betrayal. True, Matsumoto had never looked at him even remotely like that, but Toshirou felt it was only a matter of time before he said or did something that would finally extinguish the vibrant joy in her. Just like he had for Hinamori.

Sure Aizen had had more than a hand in that, but there was no denying Toshirou had stuck his nose in the matter and investigated while the other captains shrugged sadly and went about their business. He locked Hinamori up and kept prying when he didn't have to. Someone else maybe would have led the charge, eventually. Ukitake and Kyoraku, for example, did intervene at a later point. It didn't have to be him who started hostilities against Gin or barged into Central 46 and came across Aizen.

He had done all these things to protect Hinamori, and he was unquestionably in the right. It was absolutely right to kill Aizen, and he had every intention of doing so, even though it meant disrespecting Hinamori's request. There would be no capturing Aizen, no imprisoning him or trying to rehabilitate him, if the decision ever came down to Toshirou. Aizen was a dead man. That was who Toshirou was, those were his principles—Aizen had committed too many sins, and he could only pay for them with his own life. Right and wrong came before personal feelings, even those of a best friend.

Toshirou hoped that made him a good, righteous person. At the same time, he was pretty sure it also made him kind of a jerk.

He wasn't good at making people happy unless he was saving them from Hollows and for the most part, he was okay with that. People who liked him like Matsumoto or say, Ukitake did so of their own accord, through no initiation or encouraging on his part, because of whatever strange madness within them compelled them to like just about everyone they met.

He of course appreciated it, sometimes more than he let on, but since he had no idea how he'd obtained their good will, he also had no idea how to maintain it or ensure it continued. He knew Matsumoto knew this about him, which was why she was so good at telling him what she wanted to make her happy (sometimes even when the situation really didn't warrant it, like when they were on their jobs) and why he tended to just go along. He himself didn't really feel like he needed anything from Matsumoto, so long as she stayed by his side the way she always was. It was efficient and uncomplicated, the way they worked. So long as Matsumoto didn't get bored, she always got what she wanted (provided it was within reason of course), and he didn't have to make much mental effort to please her.

...It felt like a hollow reassurance all the same.